I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.


Monday, October 17, 2005

Soulmates

The notion of soulmates fascinates me.

Does every one have a pre-destined soulmate?

What is the possibility of us finding that person?

Will the soulmate be the person we eventually marry, or do we go ahead and tie the knot, knowing very well that our partner may not be the soulmate that we are looking for?

Is it possible that we will go through our entire life not ever knowing who our soulmate is?

Could it also mean that if we miss a chance to be with our soulmate, we will never find another one again?

It is wonderful to know that a person like a soulmate exist. Someone who probably knows you more than you know yourself. Someone who knows what you are feeling just by being near you. Someone who knows what you are thinking of - even when you don't say a word. Someone who surprises you by doing the same things you are thinking of doing. Someone who knows exactly how you want to be loved. Someone who is always there - even when he's not physically there.

But if truth is that there can only be one soulmate for every person in a lifetime, then it would be tragic for someone like me. Because, deep inside me, I know I have found my soulmate - and lost him I did too.

Dan begged to differ. He felt that a person's soulmate would ultimately have to be the person you marry. Your wife or husband should be your soulmate.

The issue now is the word "should". Of course, given an ideal situation, who wouldn't yearn to fall in love with someone, who so happens to be the soulmate you have been searching for all your life, and end up in perpetual marital bliss?

I hate to stress this - but that is really an ideal situation.

More often than not, the person we fall for may not even be that soulmate. Could jolly well be an abusive boyfriend, a liar, or an incorrigible womanizer. Same goes for the one we marry.

I told Dan that I believe I have already found my soulmate in Leon. He asked me if Leon was that person for me, why did he end up cheating on me?

The answer is in fact, very simple. Leon might be my ultimate soulmate, but he wasn't the perfect partner. A wonderful lover might not necessary be your soulmate either. Having a soulmate as your eventual partner is an ideal situation, remember?

Leon was a soulmate in many ways.

He always seemed to know when I was feeling down and never failed to be there for me - no matter how late it was. He would be the friend to shoulder all my burdens and worries. He was the patient boyfriend who put up with all my flaws and shortcomings. He felt my pain even when I didn't say a thing. He laughed when he saw the twinkle in my eye. Many nights, we would sit in silence, and communicate with each other using nothing but non-verbal cues. Time and again, he would overwhelm me with his ability to read my mind in a way no one else could.

Leon also knew what made me tick. There were times when he would call - just when I was feeling lonely. When we were only friends, he knew exactly when I would be needing company - and he would avail himself on those days. As good buddies, we would spend special occasions like Christmas, Valentine's Day and New Year together simply because both of us were unattached.

When we were a couple, he would indulge in my whims and fancies - such as shopping for groceries, cooking and baking - like what any old loving couple would do in their retirement years. Occasionally, he would suddenly grab my waist - right in the middle of the supermarket aisle - and lead me into a slow dance, cheek to cheek - to the melodies of the piped-in music. And yes, these are exactly the kind of surprises he knew would thrill me to no end.

And that was the kind of soulmate Leon had been to me. He only fell short because he could not be the faithful partner that I wanted.

But that does not mean he could not be faithful at all. It only meant that the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with - just wasn't me. In fact, he is still very much in love with the girl he left me for - 5 years ago.

I know - because I saw their loving photos on Friendster. And they really looked very happy together.

Now that my soulmate has come and gone - where does that leave me? Does that mean any guy that I end up with in the near future will always fall short of being my soulmate? With Leon being the benchmark, is it even possible for anyone to read me like he can? In so many ways?

Maybe I should stop searching for a soulmate - because I might just be setting myself up for more disappointments than anything else.

Maybe what I need is someone really sincere.

Someone who sincerely loves me with all his heart and soul. And even if that person is not a soulmate, it does not matter anymore because eventually, true love that binds two people will take precedence over the fluffy concept of "soulmates".

The lesson of Leon should be enough to prove that having a soulmate who could not be true to you - is as good as not having him at all.



"Friends will keep you sane,
Love could fill your heart,
A lover can warm your bed,
But lonely is the soul without a mate."
- David Pratt

13 comments:

SugarBoyfriend said...

Think if he left you then maybe he was not your soulmate to begin with. Think the connection you had with him, as you described, is commonplaced in many relationships.

If you subscribe to the theory of a soulmate... .then there can only be one soulmate out there for you, and chances are you haven't stumbled on him yet...

Chin up :)

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Unfortunately sugarbf, not many people can have that kind of connection with me as I have described. I am a very difficult person to understand and love, and people who know me can attest to that. If not for the fact that a person is a soulmate, it's quite impossible for him to connect with me on that level.

Like I have explained, he may be the soulmate - but not necessary the life partner. Having a soul mate as a life partner would be perfect, but perfection is hardly attainable in this world.

Not impossible, but difficult.

Anthony said...

人比人, 气死人

sÞ¡ηηєє said...

When he's found, it's not necessary joy.

When he's unfound, it's not necessary sorrow.

Just let things go naturally. You'll find the one you need eventually :)

Mini_viv said...

Sometimes we should just learn to let go of the past and move on. I once found my soulmate and I thought he's the one for me. Like what you mentioned that soulmates can communicate non-verbally, comfortable with each other when we sat next to each other in silence. I used to think that he's my 1st and last man in my life but now he's married and has a beautiful baby girl. For I'm once the shoulder that he cried on when he faced divorce and been through ups and downs with him. Perhaps the whole process makes me think twice about having him as my life-time partner. Looking back at the times we once love each other deeply till now we are still good friends.
I think love is to know the one I love is happy and I'm contented to have him walked through part of my journey once. I'm happy for him that he's leading a new life that he wants which is a family of his own, though he looks happy on the surface and I know that he loved me, there's no way to turn back time when I made that decision that both of us to move on and end this special relationship we had build up together. He once said that through me he learnt to be a better man and I'm thankful to him that I've learnt to treasure my current relationship even more.
I believe people do change constantly. Today both of you may think that you are meant for each other, when one has make a step further but you are still at the same spot, that's when both of you start to look at things differently.
It's no doubt that soulmates are hard to come by, I believe that there will be someone out there who is fated to be your soulmate. It's a matter of whether you regard him or her as one. Letting go of the past ain't an easy matter and one shall not shadowed in the past but should learn move on. Always have faith in yourself and that someone who's waiting for you to discover his or her other side.

SugarBoyfriend said...

Elvina... based on your posts and reasoning.. can tell that you are sentimental and matured... maybe just open up a bit more lah..

think to be able to have someone as intellectual as you to talk to is already very rare... so no worries.. sure can find one.. and he will be lucky to have you lah...


eeeeyuh very mushy liao.. better stop :P

Chris said...

Just move on, it' more colourful in the front, no expectation and there won't be disappointment. If u are still standing there, you are staying in the past(history).

You have the time (get wat I mean)... for the future.

God Bless

Richard said...

Wow! What a beautiful post!

I feel almost embarrassed to comment on it – as if I had stumbled upon your naked stillness, but … then again, wisdom and smart social graces are not usually mine.

I like this post because I think it is the first thing I have read about you that exposes you. Other times you have written, I see hurt, pain, anger, bitterness, and vulnerability, but this time … I see only you.

I do not believe in soul-mates, nor destiny (even if one of my pending blogs is titled “Free Will is an Illusion” – it may never see the light of day. sigh).

I believe that two sincere people can find themselves in this world and make a relationship work. As I got older I realized that finding such a person was rare. I have encountered two people I thought were perfect (the first was unrequited, the second I married) – this alternately makes me feel cursed and lucky – I only expected to fall in love once.

Your description of Leon is beautiful. I am certain you still love him. I would even hazard a guess that you think of him daily (several times). The problem with love is that is cannot be destroyed, it can only be set free or transmuted into something ugly and evil (like hate or bitterness). I don’t buy the argument that love fades. I know divorced people who are very acrimonious towards each other (the love has been transmuted) and others who are still great friends (there never was love – passion, maybe, but not love).

Leon pushed all the right buttons with you. He ‘completed you’ (to borrow words you used in an earlier post) – he also betrayed you. I am sad.

You know what you want and you know that seeking it will leave you exposed. You expressed it plainly and innocently in this post. You want someone who knows how to push your buttons, how to stroke you, how to feed you, how to take care of you, how to make you laugh, how to make you sing - how to complete you. I know there are guys out there who can do this. But … and this is were your vulnerability and defences come to play… what if he is lying to you (using you, milking you, like the ant uses the aphid)?

I have no solution for your pain … for your love of Leon. If I did, I would share it with you. Let Leon go. Let him lead his own life. You will never forget him. You will never stop loving him – it is both the blessing and curse of love.

Enjoy your friends. Be cautious in any new relationship, but believe that somewhere out there someone is waiting for you. He will demonstrate it though his kindness, his gentleness and his concern. He will exult you and nurture you and help you to grow. How will you find him?

You will not find him in a whirlwind romance, nor an earthshaking moment, nor a consuming passion, but you will find him through his soft gentleness. (Very, very loosely adapted from 1 Kings 19:11-13)

I assumed my chances for love were lost, until one evening, after dining with Sofia, as we walked in the park, I recognized that she who walked beside me was one I believed I could share the journey of my life with. For two months I tested her, prodded her, learned all I could to ensure I was not mistaken – then I asked her.

DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER!

My purpose of this comment is three fold:

(1) to let you know I was deeply moved by your post.

(2) To reflect back at you what I think you are feeling and saying. I am NOT trying to tell you what you feel, or what you think. I AM trying to say in my own words what I think you have said in so many of your posts.

(3) To offer encouragement and support.

Take care.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Oh wow. Thank you all for such heartfelt comments. Never knew a simple post on my humble past love story would generate so much emotions from everyone.

Mini Viv - I know how you feel and I thank you for standing by me always. I am fine, and yes I shall look forward.

Chris/Sugarbf - Thank you too. Appreciate your silent support, as always... :)

Richard: What can I say!!! You are almost my shadow blogger! Haha.. With every post, you have tons of stories and nuggest of wonderful advice to offer. Everyone simply loves to see what you have to comment on next, because you so much to give.

I am glad to have found a friend in you - even if it's only through the blog. And I am happy that this post has touched you and some others in its small li'l way.

I know what's past should stay in the past. I am happy - simply knowing what I have possessed before - and that's good enough for me.

Well - the only way I can go now is forward, so yes, I shall await the next LUCKY man who's so fortunate to snare my love hahaha.....

this j said...

I actually quite impressed with this Leon. I doubt if many people's ex has such nice things to say about them: He only fell short because he could not be the faithful partner that I wanted. Then again, you are being too magnanimous, as usual :) Some other woman would have said: "He does not even have the most basic quality that I expect from a man: to be truthful and faithful to me". Then, yet again, you may not have been with him long enough to see all the other shortcomings. Every relationship (including that between children and parents, students and teachers, human and god etc) need to pass through 3 stages: blind acceptance, doubts/quarrels, acceptance with a better understanding. If the two of you were nearly always doing all the romantic stuffs as you described and have never gone through any really major dispute, then you guys were probably in stage 1 only. Stage 1 is always very beautiful to remember, but it really doesn't mean much...

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Unfortunately we have been through all of that - the quarrels, the arguements and the fights. Just that I have decided against using this entry as a thrashing session. :)

mel said...

The dear lady of the house kindly asked me to post this little nugget that I happen to believe in here so there you go. It’s not really about finding soulmates but more like being with someone through the good times n bad. Maybe after an argument with yr partner, u wanna call it quits or something…well, maybe this might help. Kinda puts things into perspective, if u know what I mean. Don’t let the small things bother you…things usually have a way of working out.

“Sometimes love and destiny pull you in opposite directions. Sometimes loving somebody means you can’t go to the places you wanted to go, or live the life you should lead. When everything sensible inside is screaming at you to plant that final kiss and say goodbye, sometimes the best thing to do – the only thing to do – is to hang on to that love with all the strength and fervour your soul has to offer. And change your plans. Tread a different path, and discover that, in the end, it all worked out just the way it was supposed to. And you couldn’t imagine it ever unfolding differently. Love’s funny that way.”

BTW Props to anyone who can tell me who said the line…heh

Now if you ask me what I think about soulmates, I refuse to believe in them. Cos the alternative is just too terrifying…someone said to me once that soulmate is actually the opposite sex version of you, if u r a guy, it’s a gal who is just like you in everyway and vice versa, but I digress..

Anyway the idea that there is someone just for u out there in the vast unknown…or is it limited to some kind of weird geographical restrictions? So maybe what if somebody’s soulmate is halfway across the world, they r destined never to meet? So what’s the point? What if u r married with kids n u meet yr soulmate tomorrow? Good reason enough to leave yr family? Don’t be surprised, its been used more than once to end a marriage.

Anonymous said...

I love your writing style..It seems effortless and have that tinge of melancholy to it..It somehow reminded of the nightworld series books from my childhood, the author, L.J smith wrote about soulmates..a near perfect descriptions of yours. You should read it..Think you might just love her.