It's not a good day today.
I am still on MC - and that means my body has been on strike for four days in a row - since Monday. I am actually feeling nauseous - suspect it might be gastric juice.
My head is splitting. I feel terrible. I have no answers to the many things that are going wrong in this world.
A friend of mine got involved with a married man some time back. I believe she genuinely liked him and enjoyed his company. But for the guy - she's really not the first woman he has had an affair with. And no matter how special he had been to my friend, he was still an asshole in my eyes.
It pained me then to see her go through that relationship. There's nothing I can do but to watch her sink deeper, feel more miserable and be constantly drowned in guilt. Spiritually, I felt really tortured with the secret because I was utterly helpless. I wanted so much to shake her and scream in her face. I wanted to slap that guy in the face so hard his mother could not recognise him. I wanted to expose his sexacapades to his wife and make him suffer forever for his infidelity.
But who I am to do that? It wasn't my affair to begin with. My frustrations alone could not justify me destroying my friend and her husband's (yes, she married too...) lives. I felt even worse knowing that any impetuous reaction on my part may lead to unspeakable consequences to that asshole's family. How would the unsuspecting wife feel? What would his little kids feel? I just could not bring myself to do it.
So I locked this skeleton up in a vault. I tried convincing my friend she was not special to him, as he claimed she was. Men who cheat are liars. Is there a need to elaborate why? How far from the truth can that statement be?
I SMS-ed that guy, pretending to be a flirtatious stranger. Showed her his enthusiastic responses. Can't you see? Men always respond to women, whether they are married, single or otherwise. He went on to ask for my MSN addy. I gave it to him, and he actually chats me up every time he sees me online.
Time and again, I proved to her that she was not special to him. Give him another woman anytime, he would still entertain her. My friend was disappointed in him when she knew he was chatting me up, but yet, she could not tear herself away from him.
There was really nothing else I could do.
We never progressed beyond MSN. Most of the time, I hardly entertain him because I have already proven my point. And because, he's married with kids and for Christ's sake, he's fooling around with my friend!
He justified why men cheat on their wives. Every man, he said, probably has 10 boxes in his heart, representing different needs. Most of the time, the woman he married can only fill up, say 70% of the boxes (if you are lucky). And hence, if a man meets someone who can fill the remaining 3 boxes, he will revel in the grafitication of having his desires fulfilled. A man will almost always "subconsciously" seek out the person to complete those boxes the existing woman in his life could not fill.
My friend happened to fill that 30%. But I keep reminding her, she would not be the only one. Many women have filled it before, will fill it and will continue filling it as long as he allows it.
Not knowing that I was a "spy", he continued to chat with me on MSN.
He said I was "like an angel, with wings". He said, "I like you Elvina. You make me laugh." He asked if I missed him whenever we haven't chat in a long while. His last MSN message to me was June 21, 2005.
I stopped entertaining his chats because my friend had broken up with him. I felt that my duty to her was over. I felt liberated and relieved that the bastard is out of her life. I definitely do not want him anywhere near mine.
Last night my friend called. Bad news.
He is very ill. In fact, he is dying.
I heard he was stricken with cancer. Everything happened too fast. He was suddenly diagnosed with liver cancer, and within 2.5 weeks, his liver failed him.
He is now in a coma, breathing through a life-support system.
My friend was crying, because he used to be someone really special to her. And because she finally met his wife - and she felt really bad. She cried because she remembered the times they joked about death; the kind of songs he want to be played when he dies etc.
There's no way my friend could tell the wife that. She could only watch helplessly as he slowly fades away on that machine.
This news hit me as hard as the Pakistani earthquake. I have been in a trance the whole day, reeling from the impact since last night. Maybe that's why I was feeling nauseous. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Don't know what to think. Could not react.
Yes, he may be a total asshole - and I am angry with him for his promiscuous and selfish behaviour. But I don't wish death upon this guy.
I actually feel very sad for him as of this moment. I feel helpless. I am beginning to feel depressed.
I feel like crying - but there were no tears. And my heart hurts real bad. I do not know how to handle death. I don't know even know what to feel about this person - who probably doesn't deserve my attention at all, if not for the fact that he is dying.
And there is nothing I can do about it. Except pray.