I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

UNPREPARED

It's not a good day today.

I am still on MC - and that means my body has been on strike for four days in a row - since Monday. I am actually feeling nauseous - suspect it might be gastric juice.

My head is splitting. I feel terrible. I have no answers to the many things that are going wrong in this world.





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A friend of mine got involved with a married man some time back. I believe she genuinely liked him and enjoyed his company. But for the guy - she's really not the first woman he has had an affair with. And no matter how special he had been to my friend, he was still an asshole in my eyes.

It pained me then to see her go through that relationship. There's nothing I can do but to watch her sink deeper, feel more miserable and be constantly drowned in guilt. Spiritually, I felt really tortured with the secret because I was utterly helpless. I wanted so much to shake her and scream in her face. I wanted to slap that guy in the face so hard his mother could not recognise him. I wanted to expose his sexacapades to his wife and make him suffer forever for his infidelity.

But who I am to do that? It wasn't my affair to begin with. My frustrations alone could not justify me destroying my friend and her husband's (yes, she married too...) lives. I felt even worse knowing that any impetuous reaction on my part may lead to unspeakable consequences to that asshole's family. How would the unsuspecting wife feel? What would his little kids feel? I just could not bring myself to do it.

So I locked this skeleton up in a vault. I tried convincing my friend she was not special to him, as he claimed she was. Men who cheat are liars. Is there a need to elaborate why? How far from the truth can that statement be?





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I SMS-ed that guy, pretending to be a flirtatious stranger. Showed her his enthusiastic responses. Can't you see? Men always respond to women, whether they are married, single or otherwise. He went on to ask for my MSN addy. I gave it to him, and he actually chats me up every time he sees me online.

Time and again, I proved to her that she was not special to him. Give him another woman anytime, he would still entertain her. My friend was disappointed in him when she knew he was chatting me up, but yet, she could not tear herself away from him.

There was really nothing else I could do.





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We never progressed beyond MSN. Most of the time, I hardly entertain him because I have already proven my point. And because, he's married with kids and for Christ's sake, he's fooling around with my friend!

He justified why men cheat on their wives. Every man, he said, probably has 10 boxes in his heart, representing different needs. Most of the time, the woman he married can only fill up, say 70% of the boxes (if you are lucky). And hence, if a man meets someone who can fill the remaining 3 boxes, he will revel in the grafitication of having his desires fulfilled. A man will almost always "subconsciously" seek out the person to complete those boxes the existing woman in his life could not fill.

My friend happened to fill that 30%. But I keep reminding her, she would not be the only one. Many women have filled it before, will fill it and will continue filling it as long as he allows it.





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Not knowing that I was a "spy", he continued to chat with me on MSN.

He said I was "like an angel, with wings". He said, "I like you Elvina. You make me laugh." He asked if I missed him whenever we haven't chat in a long while. His last MSN message to me was June 21, 2005.

I stopped entertaining his chats because my friend had broken up with him. I felt that my duty to her was over. I felt liberated and relieved that the bastard is out of her life. I definitely do not want him anywhere near mine.





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Last night my friend called. Bad news.

He is very ill. In fact, he is dying.

I heard he was stricken with cancer. Everything happened too fast. He was suddenly diagnosed with liver cancer, and within 2.5 weeks, his liver failed him.

He is now in a coma, breathing through a life-support system.

My friend was crying, because he used to be someone really special to her. And because she finally met his wife - and she felt really bad. She cried because she remembered the times they joked about death; the kind of songs he want to be played when he dies etc.

There's no way my friend could tell the wife that. She could only watch helplessly as he slowly fades away on that machine.





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This news hit me as hard as the Pakistani earthquake. I have been in a trance the whole day, reeling from the impact since last night. Maybe that's why I was feeling nauseous. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Don't know what to think. Could not react.

Yes, he may be a total asshole - and I am angry with him for his promiscuous and selfish behaviour. But I don't wish death upon this guy.

I actually feel very sad for him as of this moment. I feel helpless. I am beginning to feel depressed.

I feel like crying - but there were no tears. And my heart hurts real bad. I do not know how to handle death. I don't know even know what to feel about this person - who probably doesn't deserve my attention at all, if not for the fact that he is dying.

And there is nothing I can do about it. Except pray.

23 comments:

Righteous said...

............

There's many things which we can't expected.

Although he is my enemy, I will save him if he need help.

This goes the same for this man.

Let bygone be bygone, let the ashes becomes the fire once again.

Let the fire to warm your wounded heart.

And let time once again, to cover up the fire.

Since this guy is dying, let him know that you are forgiving him so that he can Rest In Peace....................


May heaven bless him to his last jorney........

Richard said...

Hmmm ... you have been busy blogging your life away these past few hours.

You are angry at this man because he is unfaithful. Yet, you do not seem to have the same anger toward your friend.

(correct me if I'm wrong) You view her as a victim.

In my mind, she is as guilty as the man. In courtship rituals, the man pursues the woman, but in the end, it is the woman who chooses the man. The woman has the final authority and choice to 'consumate' the relationship.

My own take on relationships has always been different. It was fidelity from the start. In my mind and in my heart I knew I would always be faithful to my wife (even if I didn't know who she would be). So casual relationships (just for fun) were not part of my life.

My approach was always to ask myself, "If I was married, would what I am doing now, be considered infidelity?" If the answer is yes, then I would not do it.

I know this is not the attitude of most people (or is that all people?). Somehow, they feel they can get into relationships, be intimate, and then move on, sealing and hiding away this part of their life. How can you be fully intimate and open with your 'beloved' if 'intimate' parts of your life must be locked away?

I do not feel anger towards the man or to your friend. I only feel sadness. Sadness for the transgression of faithlessness, of the lies to cover it, of the breech of trust, and, finally, because it makes me feel even lonelier (are there none in the world like me? or am I the only one?)

I think two quotes from one of my favourite philosophers is in order. These are from Marcus Aurelius' 'Meditation':

"Waste no more time arguing what a good person should be. Be one."

"What is no good for the hive, is no good for the bee."

Take care.

Anonymous said...

well pretty confused as in how would she know abt this guy had been sick?i think perhaps you are in the dark though she mentioned that he is out of her life and yet they still in contact? Isn't that contridicting? Normally if facts can't wake your friend, you shouldn't be that hero to show her that look..this is how your guy react to me.
Being blinded by love is hard to get a clear vision unless her heart already stop beating for him.
It's a complicated thing when it somes to relationship. Tons of singles are not attached and those married are still MBA?

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Richard: Not many men think like you. At least not the men I know. Even the women nowadays have no qualms about cheating. Maybe that's why I am still single. Can't tell who's true anymore.

Kudious said...

爱情没有谁对谁错

女的可能一时被爱情冲昏了头
男的只想趁活着时好好的玩罢了

Bored Dad said...

I agreed with Richard totally.

Elvina, don't loose heart, not all man are like this. You will surely find one that will not cheat nor flirt. May be some day I will put in my blog of some real life stories, that will show you there are indeed man out there who will remain faithful and loyal to his wife.

I feel sorry for your dying friend as well. Since he is dying, then let everything that he had ever done, let them be dying with him as well..

Meanwhile, let's all pray together for this guy.

GhOsT said...

What is the world coming to?

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

thank you bored dad for your encouragement...

humblewarrior said...

Sometimes things are not as bad as you think... Do look forward to a brand new day =)

Righteous said...

I agreed.

Today is better than yesterday.
Tomorrow is better than today.

The day after tomorrow is better than the day on tomorrow.

Shine your life with lights everyday.

NP said...

It is natural for women to like men who are married and have kids. It's something inborn and instinctive, where your body unconciously tell you go to for the best genetically endowed man i.e. men who have already been "endorsed" by other women (their wives) and who have already proven to be able to father healthy kids! Yah, sound so crude, but that's the ugly reality in the animal world, of which humans are part of.

Elvina, you are really like an attenna gone haywire, picking up all the static electricity in the air, and crackling up over them. Every small thing make you angry, sad, "feel like crying"! So dramatic! I won't be surprise if you turn out to have lots of metal in the chinese 5-element zodiac (jin, mu, sui, huo, tu). People like you benefit from meditation. It helps calm the senses and help you learn to block out unnecessary external stimuli. You should really give it a try (it's not against your religion, is it?)...

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

i think it is. haha... so i guess better stick to prayers. kind of like ur analogy of me - antenna gone haywire. maybe i am... too much of a sensitive bitch. :)

Booker said...

Attraction cannot be controlled. But do tell me if I am wrong, the guy in question is a typical "bad guy" isn't it? Most women attracts to men whom they cannot control, cause well, most men during courtship acts like a complete slave.

Its not really your friend's fault in my opinion, like I said before, attraction cannot be controlled. But she should not had started with the guy.

Anyways, maybe this is his karma. To have cancer. Maybe he will turn over a new leaf. It may be too late. But at least if he does change, he may find peace.

Ricket said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ricket said...

I have a sister in law who had an affair, husband was furious, went to confront him to settle things.

months later she had another affair with another guy...

only now the husband retaliate by seeing another women.

strange world... no sense of moral

Cowboy Caleb said...

What a sad tale.

Mickell said...

Hi Elvina, i pray you get well soon :)

Mickell said...

i say death to all scumbags who screw other people's wives including those who have wives of their own. If they are not assholes, what r they?

SugarBoyfriend said...

hmm don't fully agree... not all guys lap up female attention.

Guys will be guys. If a guy tells you that he can never be attracted to anyone else.. then he is just a liar. Every guy is subjected to temptation.. unless of course you got langa face. The only difference between the faithful ones and the non-faithful ones is whether or not you can resist the temptation and not act on it. Even the most decent guy I know has cheating thoughts once in a while... but he is able to control the urge so he ends up being faithful.

Have learnt from past experiences never to interfere with my friends' love life... be it with a married man or a cactus plant. People have to go through these things to satisfy their own needs and desires... and more importantly to grow and learn from such experiences... hopefully at the end of the day it makes them stronger.. else they will try again some other time.. which is why i feel we should leave them to their own devices.

Just my two cents worth... take care

Mel said...

I believe everything happens for a reason. Don’t let the actions of others bring you down. There is good in this world, that’s what I tell myself everyday.

Right now, think your main concern should be taking good care of yourself. Rest, drink lots of water and rest again! Get well soon.

Strange...listening to Puff Daddy 'I'll be missing you' as i type this....

np said...

Huh? Meditation is against your religion? I thought meditation is secular? eg. you sit still, relax, close eyes and be mindful of your breathe moving in and out of your nose, without think about anything else. The aim is tho help to calm the mind and train it to be aboe to concentrate on one thing instead of being distracted by the surrouding. Another way is for example to fixate on an object (eg. a blue circular disc). Then you focus your whole mind to think about the disc and nothing else, the aim is again to calm the mind and train its concentration power.

You mean like that also against christianity? I am not trying to be sarcastic. really surprised! I thought after having an ex who is a Christian, I already know enough about Christianity!. Just out of curiosity, how come such secular activity is not allowed in your religion?

(Of course, one can also make meditation religious, as in, instead of your breathe or a secular object, one can focus one's mind on chanting buddhist or catholic hymns, where one go "ah mi tuo fuo "in the former, and "mary, mother of jesus..." in the latter, and use some beads/rosary etc. Therefore, I am under the impression that while meditation itself is non-religious, one can choose techniques which are either secular or religious depending on one's belief. I am wrong?)

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

NP: I think people tend to misunderstand Christianity as a religion with many restrictions.

To put it into clearer perspective, it is not so. Many Christians add these restrictions upon themselves.

In areas of worshipping ancestors and holding incense and all, we don't do it clearly because as Christians, we do believe in only one God, and should not bow or worship any other false gods, idols, humans or any being that is not the Lord himself.

For meditation, I correct myself. It's ok to meditate. But Christians meditation is like you say, slightly different from what other people's view of meditation.

Today, meditation is generally seen as a practice of the New Age movement.

This comes primarily from its association with Transcendental Meditation. Transcendental Meditation (TM) was developed by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi of the Hindu religion and is steeped in Hindu philosophy. The "yogi" in the TM founder's name indicates his status in Hinduism. Courts in the US have ruled that TM is not a secular discipline; it is Hindu religion.

Christian meditation: One important thing the Bible tells us to do is to think about God's Word. Our thoughts determine our behavior and so what we think about is very important. That is why God wants us to think about His Word, or meditate on it.

What should we focus on in Christian meditation? "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8, NASB).

So yes NP. I should spend time meditating. Thanks for the advice. :)

sÞ¡ηηєє said...

sad to say, the way i read this ...

takes 2 to clap for anyone to get into an affair. big fuck about feelings and attraction. it's 'ai mai or not'.. ;)

in any case........ i alwiz believe...
寧可人負我﹐好過我負人。

my sincere advice to every gender of the humankind.