I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.
Friday, July 29, 2005
In recent times, I realised that most guys I hang out with for the first time, would come to a natural conclusion about me by the end of the date. For the umpteenth time, including tonight, I hear a guy say to me,"You are funny. You make me laugh."
"You make me laugh?" What kind of comment is that? What am I? Jerry Seinfeld reincarnate? Do I look like a walking joke dispensing machine?
The guy went on to say it was amazing that I wasn't attached. I asked why. He claimed that many guys would love to be with a girl like me, someone who brightens up their day and make them laugh.
Sorry dude - I seriously beg to differ. Which girl in the right mind would be flattered by the comment "You make me laugh"? Since when is it more desirable than "You make my heart flutter?"; "You make me melt" or even something as simple as, "You are very sweet".
Gone were the days when men say that to me. Now I am like a clown to them. I told the guy that when men make women laugh, women fall for them because they think the guy is witty, funny, and can see life in a lighter vein. It puts women at ease.
When women make men laugh, men see them as a great girl buddy to "hang out" with. Someone who they can talk cock to, openly crack dirty jokes, gossip and laugh heartily - knowing that the girl would not be put off. So which men would seriously start seeing me as a romantic interest if all they feel about me is that I make them laugh??
So tragic. I am so in deep shit. No wonder I am so very single. Now that we have demystified everything - why am I not feeling any better?
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
I seem to be a magnet for these people. I wonder why? Is it because I have a problem with relationships myself? Or maybe, I exude that aura of being a guru in relationships? But if I am really that "experienced" to warrant a steady stream of heartbroken souls seeking my advice, why do my own relationships fail?
Maybe that's the REAL answer. I keep failing in relationships so that I can garner enough pain and heartaches to help people through theirs.
But somehow I come to realise that more often than not, people come to me not because they really needed help. Very often, most people with relationship problems already know the answer to what they need to do. They just want someone to verbalize it for them. And I so happen to be universally recognized as the VERBALIZER.
Many times I feel helpless. Time and again I see my friends walking towards the edge of a cliff, and before they leap into a hopeless love abyzz, they want to hear what I have to say. I am usually brutally blunt, and painfully honest. After they've heard what I feel they already know, they went ahead and jump anyway.
Why is it when I say that a guy is not good for you, he's an asshole, he's a player, he will hurt you - and all of you know it, but you still allow yourself to sink deeper into it anyway? I really wonder what value add does a verbalizer like myself bring to the table.
I can list down all the strategies and mind games that the men are playing with my girlfriends; I can accurately articulate their fears and their desires; I am able to predict the outcome and forewarn them of the consequences, armed with evidence of all the danger and warning signals. And yet, after all that halabuloo, the victims continue to allow themselves to be tortured endlessly by the love that they seek.
They come to me in pain. I comfort them and offer them good solid advice. I tell them the truth and paint them the reality. They see the light --- and then they dive headlong back into the dark side. WHY?
What do they get out of confiding in me anyway? And where do all my opinions and viewpoints end up in if they do not play a part in influencing their decisions? And why do I keep doing this if the conclusion is always the same?
I really wonder.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Went to see a second doc at Raffles Medical Group @Causeway Pt....and got MORE medication. I am now basically a walking medicine cabinet. Feeling frustrated, I walked over to the Samsung store. I have always wanted to change my mobile phone...it's been acting up and I can hardly hear my calls. And I think I am the only one left on the face of this earth without a camera phone.
Fell in love with the E730 at first sight. Its sleek ebony cover beckons to me - and fits snugly into my palm. Without a second thought, I traded in my cranky Motorola for it and topped up $550 for this beauty. Quite a hefty investment, but nevertheless... I think it's extremely worth it. Yes my dear friends, I would rather spend all my savings on techie stuff than an LV bag - that's the gadget geek in me.
My new toy comes with an mp3 player, a FM radio, a 1.3 megapixel camera (check out the photo below that I took in my sickly state!) and many other super duper cool functions.
Then the sales assistant whipped out a stack of about 50 mini-perforated lucky draw cards. Top prize was a Samsung laptop. I was like so cynical - one will usually get a "Thank you for your participation" kind of response, so I was quite nonchalant when I drew my "lucky" card. Lo and behold! Turned out that I won a Samsung P250K super slim DVD player!
I mean - how blessed can I be? I have always wanted to buy a DVD player for my room last month, but decided against it because I needed the money for the new phone. All I know is that the Lord's generosity has no boundaries and no words can express my surprise and utmost gratitude!
Matt 6:8: For your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
Thank you Lord for all the blessings...... I may be poor, but I am super rich in the Lord! :P
We both know that any relationship between us now is impossible, and we both know that we have to move on.... because none of us can guarantee what the future holds.
So there goes one of the rarest relationship I ever had in my entire life. One that started and ended on the same day. Someone who needs me, but does not want me. Yet? Or maybe ever. No one knows. As of last night, I learnt that he may not come back after all.
So I am back into the dating game. How tiresome. My friends keep setting me up with guys - whom I could never click with. I don't even know why. All I wanna do is curl up with a gripping novel, a glass of iced cranberry juice, some great jazz music playing in the background - and do some serious reading on my soft comfy bed.
Or I could start blogging regularly - and start updating other parts of my life besides James, the foregone conclusion. Since we are on this topic of blogging, I begun to realise in recent weeks that I have received many anonymous comments. One from a girl, two from guys. I kinda know who they are - especially one who particularly likes to leave his "holier than thou" comments. He thinks he knows what he is talking about, but he's got more serious issues that he does not know of. So he's projecting them onto me - and I really wish he would get over it.
But enough about this boy. Enough said.
I don't mind anonymous comments really. But I find it funny that people leave anonymous comments thinking I do not know where they are from, or who they are. I do know, but I choose not to make a fuss out of it. All I can say is - well, thanks for reading my blog people.
If you ever have the courage to face me, do leave your name and contact number behind. Or at the very least, allow me to email you back -- to thank you for the time and effort that you take to read this load of shit. :)
Have a sensational day.
Friday, July 22, 2005
It started from the day I've decided to let go of everything and anything to do with this guy. It's too painful to like someone and not have him, so I guess it's better to give it up than hold on to a hopeless relationship, friendship - whatver he may call it.
I deleted his handphone number. I deleted all his emails. I practically removed any possible channels of reaching this guy, because I know if I don't do that, I will keep contacting him. It's like I needed to be totally cut-off - so that I can be rid of this senseless addiction.
Anyway I was really tired. I was the one who always took the initiative to message him or call him. It seemed that he never felt the need to do the same for me. I guess after a while, I get tired for being taken for granted. So I decided to stop myself from losing my dignity completely. No friendship or relationship should ever be a one-way traffic.
Sunday came and went. I surrounded myself with friends and activities and got home around 12am. There were no messages or calls from him the entire day. My heart sank. This is it. It's a good thing I chose to gave up, cos this guy completely has no place for me in his heart.
12.05am. A message came through. It was him. He told me he had been thinking about me. I was caught off guard, cos I always thought he never cared. We talked, and cleared the air. And since then, we met up every day for lunch, even the day before he left for Qatar.
Those dates were memorable and very beautiful. He bared his heart and feelings in those 2 weeks like never before, as if he had been bottling them up since the day we met.
I knew he had to go. I knew he could not give me any promises. I knew he may not come back so soon. But I also know I have a place in his heart. And I guess that's good enough for me - for now.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
But I can feel it in the air. It would be a great day today. After an irrational, moody evening yesterday, and a purging of frustrations through my tears, I felt --- cleansed. It was as if I have finally managed to put down those awfully heavy bricks that I have been carrying in my heart for the last two weeks.
Today I felt light. And I felt the chains break away, releasing me from bondage. Sabrina's MSN message struck me -- "We should learn to let go of the things we fear of losing." How very apt and timely.
My friends thought that I was feeling blue over a relationship. Actually, I wasn't. Many times my depression was not a result of ONE event. I don't blame them for not being able to understand. A complex person like myself has multiple layers, and each layer is more difficult to decipher than the next.
It was not about the person anymore. Even the person himself misunderstood that I was holding on because I fell too hard and too fast. I had to explain, but then again, I realised maybe like all others, they hear me, but they do not listen. And even if they do, they would not be able to comprehend the depth of my emotions and how my mind works. I am probably a schizophrenia.
And hence I proceed to elevate myself out of the rut, because I knew no one could help me ever. Like shares in the stock market, I will allow myself to plunge into the lowest possible point, so that the only other way after that would be up.
And that's why the ordinary people would not be able understand the form of my depression.
It encompassed my state of mind then. Plus the events that surrounds it, the past that binds it, the future that inhibits it, and the present that amplifies it. Every time I get blue, it will never be about just one person, one thing, one event - but rather, it will be about the life I am leading, in relation to that person/thing/event. My life looms larger than anything else and takes precedent over every other issue.
Last night was the turning point for those emotional shares. It can only go up today - and I am feeling detached already. Sometimes I amaze myself for being able to feel so passionately one day, and totally cold the next. And the people around me cannot understand the transformation. They just could not believe that it is possible to switch emotions like that.
I could only laugh.
Like what the people at Adidas say, "Impossible is nothing."
It looks to be a wonderful day, and yes, I am so going to enjoy my weekend. :)
Friday, July 08, 2005
I feel an urge to liken my life to the road less travelled. My girlfriend joked once that my life is a series of unfortunate events, very much like what Lemony Snickets would love to write about.
I earned my first salary when I was 12. When most of my friends were enjoying the school and public holidays, I would be working the 10-hour shift for my next school fees.
All my close friends got their degrees right after JC/poly. I waited 7 years to start mine because I needed to save for it.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 14, and had countless of relationships after that, none of which were fruitful till this very day. My closest girlfriends had no more than 3 relationships and were now happily married with kids.
I know of girls who married their first loves, just like it happens in fairytales. Peers who never have to worry about making ends meet. Friends who have warm, happy family gatherings many times a year to look forward to.
And through it all, I saw that I was standing on the road less travelled. I am alone. The days are bleak and awfully long, and the nights are damp and cold. I see many huge boulders in the way. Gigantic fallen trees. Rotting logs. Poisonous ivy. Quicksand.
It's been one long, difficult road. And it's not getting any easier.
There are times when I thought I have reached the end of the road, and I dreamt of fields of lavender stretching like a vast ocean before me.
But it was not to be so.
My walk with the Lord has been nothing less than fulfilling, enriching, nurturing, but nevertheless, very very painful. I chose the road less travelled, and with that, I allowed myself to be tested at every turn.
I have to learn that sometimes giving up something I love for the Lord, may rip my heart apart, but it is nothing compared to Him giving up His only Son for me. I must believe that whatever I went through and suffered, was so I could keep relying on Him for His love, to sustain me on the road less travelled. And I must trust - that whatever He took away from me, He will give it back to me tenfold.
And all I have to do is Believe....and Wait. And so Lord, I wait.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Last night I had dinner with James. Supposedly the "goodbye" dinner. He's leaving for Qatar next week, and he may not be coming back. We cleared the air on how we felt about each other, and agreed that it's best we remain friends.
The long distance, the time difference - ain't just gonna work. All we could feel last night, was an extreme sense of loss and pity. It's that feeling where you have finally found something that you really like a lot, have been searching a long time for, and it's right before your eyes - only to realize you have no choice but to let it go.
Not meant to be. Really not meant to be. The right person, the right place, the right feeling, but the wrong time.
Like a sad Korean romance/drama series, James and I are two people who could have been so happy together, but are forced to go our seperate ways. The sense of helplessness and loss is overwhelming.
But then again, he may not be ready for me, even if he's not leaving. He's got issues with his life, his career, his past - and I may merely be someone who happened to fill that gap for now. Everything about us is uncertain. So maybe it's best we leave it unexplored, and say goodbye for now.
Take care James. I will miss you.
"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."