My emotions are awfully raw today. I could not focus - and I felt like I am in a perpetual daze. I never thought a heart could weigh so heavy. It was practically lying unmoving at the pit of my stomach and there was nothing I could do about it.
Last night I had dinner with James. Supposedly the "goodbye" dinner. He's leaving for Qatar next week, and he may not be coming back. We cleared the air on how we felt about each other, and agreed that it's best we remain friends.
The long distance, the time difference - ain't just gonna work. All we could feel last night, was an extreme sense of loss and pity. It's that feeling where you have finally found something that you really like a lot, have been searching a long time for, and it's right before your eyes - only to realize you have no choice but to let it go.
Not meant to be. Really not meant to be. The right person, the right place, the right feeling, but the wrong time.
Like a sad Korean romance/drama series, James and I are two people who could have been so happy together, but are forced to go our seperate ways. The sense of helplessness and loss is overwhelming.
But then again, he may not be ready for me, even if he's not leaving. He's got issues with his life, his career, his past - and I may merely be someone who happened to fill that gap for now. Everything about us is uncertain. So maybe it's best we leave it unexplored, and say goodbye for now.
Take care James. I will miss you.
"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."