I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Purging Ritual

I woke up feeling groggy. Must be the sleeping pills I took last night to help me get to sleep.

But I can feel it in the air. It would be a great day today. After an irrational, moody evening yesterday, and a purging of frustrations through my tears, I felt --- cleansed. It was as if I have finally managed to put down those awfully heavy bricks that I have been carrying in my heart for the last two weeks.

Today I felt light. And I felt the chains break away, releasing me from bondage. Sabrina's MSN message struck me -- "We should learn to let go of the things we fear of losing." How very apt and timely.

My friends thought that I was feeling blue over a relationship. Actually, I wasn't. Many times my depression was not a result of ONE event. I don't blame them for not being able to understand. A complex person like myself has multiple layers, and each layer is more difficult to decipher than the next.

It was not about the person anymore. Even the person himself misunderstood that I was holding on because I fell too hard and too fast. I had to explain, but then again, I realised maybe like all others, they hear me, but they do not listen. And even if they do, they would not be able to comprehend the depth of my emotions and how my mind works. I am probably a schizophrenia.

And hence I proceed to elevate myself out of the rut, because I knew no one could help me ever. Like shares in the stock market, I will allow myself to plunge into the lowest possible point, so that the only other way after that would be up.

And that's why the ordinary people would not be able understand the form of my depression.

It encompassed my state of mind then. Plus the events that surrounds it, the past that binds it, the future that inhibits it, and the present that amplifies it. Every time I get blue, it will never be about just one person, one thing, one event - but rather, it will be about the life I am leading, in relation to that person/thing/event. My life looms larger than anything else and takes precedent over every other issue.

Last night was the turning point for those emotional shares. It can only go up today - and I am feeling detached already. Sometimes I amaze myself for being able to feel so passionately one day, and totally cold the next. And the people around me cannot understand the transformation. They just could not believe that it is possible to switch emotions like that.

I could only laugh.

Like what the people at Adidas say, "Impossible is nothing."

It looks to be a wonderful day, and yes, I am so going to enjoy my weekend. :)


isabel said...

yes dear,unfortunately, the only people who can help us emotionally is ourselves,the most any1 outside can do is to create an environment conducive to ur emotional recovery but it is the person in question that can help himself,ppl can do anything for u,give u a million bucks,a hot guy who loves u,but if u dun wana b happy,ud b afraid of losing the guy,etc& simply refuse to allow urself to b happy. So thats the right spirit babe! u r not scizophrenic,they r unable to understand u because they do not have the depth& complexity u encompass, they may try to listen but they may not be able to comprehend.its tough being superior,who says its got no downsides?

Bee said...

i just saw a mirror....

Alex Choi said...

"We should learn to let go of the things we fear of losing."

Reading your blog is great, learning this quote will actually help me overcome the stress I'm having now. Keep up the good blogging. :)