I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Year In Rewind

2005: A year of heartbreaks, non-committal relationships and whirlwind romances.

2005: Made many new friends online, and found my rightful place in the blogosphere.

2005: An influx of private guests checking into Hotel Solace.

2005: The year I stepped out of my shell and allowing myself to take a leap of faith.

2005: Went on my first date in 5 years. Felt that it was time to move on.

2005: I graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Management Studies, 2nd Upper Class Honours.

2005: Extremely stressed by family and other personal problems which led to chronic gastric problems.

2005: Insomnia infiltrated my life for the first time in 15 years.

2005: Discovered that I was really a bad judge of men.

2005: Became a love counsellor for some of my girlfriends. Saw more heartbreaks, more tears, more depressions.

2005: Realized that I am hitting the big Three-O soon. Not prepared.

2005: Experienced helluva emotional upheavals - caused by friends, family and close ones. Learnt that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sort myself out in time.

2005: Launched Singapore Fashion Festival 2005. I am finally a full-fledge fashionista. Need to practice pronouncing tongue twisters such YSL Rive Gauche, Longchamp, Christian Lacroix and Plein Sud.

2005: Completed the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Now for the movie......

2005: Plunged into non-stop work assignments since the re-org on Oct 2005. Completed some major projects which will bear fruit in 2006.

2005: Made some money through my CPF investments. My agent is darn good.

2005: Number of single girls in my social circle increased. What happened to all the men?

2005: Drifitng away from the Lord. Need to reflect and return.

2005: Started wearing accessories and slight make up. Never felt the urge until the accessory-crazy girls in my new company started to overwhelm me with such gifts - in a desperate attempt to make me one of their kind. I am now officially a fashion accessorizer, the unknowing victim of the "Accessories Make Me Look Hot" all-girl squad.

2005: I am naughty but nice. Sensual with spice. Love me and you have my utmost loyalty. Piss me and you're dead.

2005: My good friend is dying from cancer. He's wilting away by the day. I am losing him soon.

2005: I miss my dad but I haven't visited his tomb in 2 years. Why?

2005: I am often misunderstood. Am I speaking in a different language from everybody else?

2005: I may not be the best friend ever. But I do try my best.

2005: If I sound pessimistic, that's because I am. If I sound optimistic, that's because I am trying very hard to remove pessimisim from my life.

2005: I finally started having savings. Thank God for bonuses.

2005: New Year is a mere few days away. Forgive, forget and move on. Nobody's going to wait for you or me. I don't want to be left behind. Do you?

"For last year's words belong to last year's language.
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~ T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

2005 Xmas Bitch Party!

This year, I had one of my best Christmas ever.

Traditionally, I celebrate Christmas with three other girlfriends every year at my home. We will meet for dinner, proceed to my Casa de Yishun with loads of snacks, fruits and drinks, and watch DVD till before midnight. At the stroke of 12, we will be exchanging gifts under the beautiful Xmas tree, with carols belting out from a Christmas compliation CD through the speakers. After which, we will set up the mahjong table for an ardous challenge of maximizing our winnings through the little complicated tiles.

This Christmas eve, I decided to make it slightly bigger. The party venue was changed to a friend's house because I needed a larger space. I invited some friends who already knew my girls through other social functions (such as dinner and my weekly Friday night chill out sessions!) and extended the invite to these friends' friends as well as their spouses.

I even created an e-invite to make this intimate party "official". Thrilled me to no end - 'cos I love organizing events and parties for my good friends. Here's how it looks like:

Just in case you were wondering, I didn't draw that. The graphics were the creative works of a designer called Gavinwm. Ya,ya.... I snitched the artwork for this invite. *guilty as charged* (but hey, at least I give credit when credit is due ok?)

To complete the mood of the party, my dear friend lugged a huge Christmas tree, a mahjong table and set as well as a foot massager to the new venue! I could never thank him enough for such thoughtfulness. My girl friends were warmly pampered with the foot massager while they were watching DVD movies such as Spanglish, Jerry Seinfeld Live in Broadway and 40 Days and 40 Nights.

I spent an hour decorating the Xmas tree and must say I was pretty proud of it. It's almost like Robinson's standard ok? :P

The spread for the night was oooh so divine.... Check this out:

- Roast Ham
- Vegetable Platter of celery sticks, carrots, broccoli and cauilflower, aspargus, tomatoes, baby corn and golden mushrooms.
- Avocado and Garlic and Chives dips
- Curry Chicken and fresh baguette
- Sushi platter
- Chicken and Beef Satay
- Fried Mee Goreng
- Yangzhou Fried Rice
- Sambal Sting Ray

Red and white wines
Irish Cream
Soft drinks
Coffee and Tea

For entertainment, besides DVDs and mahjong, we have some hilarious party games going on - which got everyone guffawing and giggling. Some of us played Boggle and irritate the hell out of our challengers by beating them at every round. We also tried sabotaging each other at Uno - making them draw a hell lot of cards when they were down to their last card. It was 'evil' - but truly enjoyable.

My friend took my place at the mahjong table. Few hours into the game, she desperately cried out for help. She was losing terribly - and I was down to my last few dollars. Of course, the Mahjong Queen must come to the rescue. I declared that I am going to win back every single cent that I have lost the moment I sat down. One of my male opponents sniggered.

Oh yeh....I am so going to show him my prowess.

I accomplished what I vowed to do. Within 3 consecutive games, I won the maximum winnings for each of the game and recouped every single cent that I have lost. On top of that, I won an extra dollar. Hahaha........ the Mahjong Queen reigns.

Yup, the party was great - and the babes were beautiful.

Oh my, I do have tons of stuff to blog about still - now that my workload for the year has lightened! My year-end D&D (where you will get to see lots of bombastic boobs and babes!), the "interesting" Xmas prezzies I've got this year, my 2006 resolutions and a blog on a beautiful single friend of mine - for the pleasure of all you hot-blooded, single, young men heh heh.....

I'll be back.

Sunday, December 18, 2005


I am so busy it's not funny! Spent the last month trying to sort out all contract issues. All the legal jargon is giving me nightmares. I would need a therapist soon.

Slept less than 3 hours a day. I was so shagged that I was literally dragging my body to work. There were a few occasions where I laid my head on my work table - just to catch some 40 winks. Yes, there were drool all over, with a strand hanging precariously at the edge of my lips.

Christmas is round the corner! *stressed*

Dedicated 3 evenings and went on a mad shopping spree. My shopping list stretches from Singapore all the way to the UK. Bought dozen of toys, Christmas Gift Packs, books and fashion accessories - for friends, colleagues, ex-classmates, family etc. Oh my, what to do when one is so "popular"? (contented sigh.........)

The gruelling task came when I had to physically wrap every single present. Man, that's REAL hard work. I was a gift wrapper machine till 4am just two nights ago.

Tried to buy some naughty/kinky gifts, but I think most of my girlfriends do not have my quirky sense of humor. So no more durian-flavoured condoms, playboy magazines, dildos and leather and cuffs for this year.

I will be celebrating my Xmas Eve with a bunch of girlfriends, as I have always done over the years. They will come to my Casa de Yishun (that's how they named my house), played some silly girlish games, exchange gifts at the stroke of midnight, and proceed to a simple mahjong session or DVD movie marathon. Either way, it's who you are with that matters, isn't it?

I would try and blog less brainless stuff when I am done with my contract - which hopefully can be signed before Xmas, or latest before 2006. I have tons of things to get off my chest. Tons of topics to blog about. But seriously, sleep deprivation has weakened my resolve to write.

So peeps - I am not dead, contrary to popular belief. Just withdrawing into the mountains for a retreat and meditation session. When I am fully recharged, I shall be back with a vengeance and drown you all with my verbal diarrhoea again. For now, you can tell how disjointed my thoughts are..... I am actually "sleepwriting". It's a new disease that inflicts only moi.

berry berry tired. (*yaWns*)

Meanwhile, have a blasting Xmas and may love, cheer and joy fill you each and every day - from this day onwards till infinity.

Infinity and BEYOND!!! - Buzz LightYear (star of Toy Story)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Romancin' Romeo

Some male friends I know complain about the unsurmountable challenge of being a romantic partner all the time. It's a concept they could not grasp. What does being romantic entails? What does one have to do to qualify as a romantic? Barbara Taylor Bradford seems to have the answer for you guys.

The following are some simple suggestions that will help you impress your lady without having to go too far out of your way to do so. Prepare to dazzle her.

1. Make a list
Make a list of the special days on the calendar that you celebrate together, such as the day you met, your yearly anniversary, or even the anniversary of your first kiss. On these days make a point to spend some quality time together. Cook a special meal (or pick one up on the way home from work). Buy her a card or write her a short letter, and let her know that you didn't forget.

2. Toast to her
Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't need to be over bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell her something you love about her and then drink to it!

3. Reach out and touch her
Use the power of touch to make a lasting impression throughout the day. There is no such thing as not having time for a kiss goodbye in the morning or again upon reuniting at the end of the day. And an inviting warm hug or backrub at the end of a stressful day is always appreciated.

4. Create a photo album
Take pictures often; don't save the camera for holidays and special occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday life together. Better still, set the timer and pose together. You will both appreciate the warmth of the moment when you see these snapshots in an album down the road.

5. Take note of significant things
Set something aside for her every day. It might be a newspaper article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or even a story you heard by the office water cooler. She will appreciate that you took a moment to think of her during the course of your day.

6. Be thoughtful
Do something thoughtful for her every day. Whether it's making her a cup of coffee in the morning, sticking a surprise note in her bag, or leaving her a chocolate "kiss" on her pillow before bedtime, everyone loves a romantic surprise.

7. Keep up your appearance
Let her see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most women love to see their men clean-shaven, in great clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of her favorite cologne.

8. Tell her about your moods
Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your woman will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood.

9. Discuss your day
Sit down together when you get home and relate your daily experiences. The best thing about spending time apart is that it makes you appreciate each other more.
Personally, I like 3, 6 and 8. What's inside a man truly will impress me more than what they have projected or exhibited on the exterior.

Any other simple romantic tips? Contribute to this list if you can. It's about time we all learn something about romanticism. :)

To love for the sake of being loved is human,
but to love for the sake of loving is angelic.
- Alphonse de Lemartine

Monday, December 05, 2005

In The Name of Love – Part 2

Though I have done many a splendoured thing in the name of love, I wasn’t always the sacrificial girlfriend. I have to admit that in my short but insignificant lifetime, many men have given more than just their heart to me. Some have no qualms parting with their money just to see me smile. Some have forgone their ego and pride while others, have nothing to offer but their precious time.

Though I did not end up with these guys eventually, their giving personalities have inevitably touched me in some exquisite way. Love however, has never been a fair trade. Should life dictates that for every man that touches my heart, I would have to love him back – then I would never be able to love any one man truly. Simply because my love would have to be shared among many who tried breaking down the walls to my heart.

But because they have been awfully selfless, I would like to dedicate this blog as a tribute to some acts of love that have been showered upon me in the past.

1. My ex-boyfriend was studying in Sydney at one point in time. He surprised me when he appeared at my office one day, with a huge bunch of flowers in hand. He sheepishly admitted that he had missed me so much that he skipped school and bought an air ticket back to Singapore just so he could see me.

2. A guy that I was dating casually some time back was so infatuated with me that he waited for me for hours just to pick me up from work every night. I was also leaving MTV for my new job, so he stayed up to help me pack my stuff till the wee hours of the night, every single day for two weeks.

3. I got to know a waiter at Chinois Chinois a couple of years ago when I was drowning my sorrows there every night, trying to heal a broken heart. The waiter slipped me notes from time to time, which were usually sweet poems of encouragement. He also folded paper roses from serviettes and sneaked them to me whenever he passed my table. On the day before my birthday, he bought an ice-cream cake from Swensen and celebrated my special day for me - under the stars – at the stroke of midnight.

4. There was once a guy who carried a torch for me for the longest time, but unfortunately, he felt that he was unworthy of me. Still, he made 999 paper cranes and 999 paper hearts, put them into two beautiful bottles and couriered them to my home. However, he was so insecure that he left for Vietnam and told me I deserved someone better.

5. Another guy whom I had dated for three months pissed me off so much that I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. He showed his remorse by drawing cards, penning in words of love and regrets in the essence of Hallmark romance, and hand delivering them to my home every single day. I must add that there was no MRT then, so he literally had to travel across the island to convey his love for me.

6. Since we are on this topic, this one definitely takes the cake. He went down on his knees with a huge bouquet of flowers and a beautifully crafted speech, professing his love for me in front of a group of my close friends, as well as everyone else who was chilling out at Emerald Hill. I was completely dumbfounded and could not speak for a long time after that.

7. He was the same guy who tried his very best to send me to and fro home and work every day, making me feel like a princess in a chauffeured-driven chariot. He was also the silly love-struck fool who gave me my dream gadget – an A620 Canon Powershot Digital Camera – for Christmas. He left me completely speechless for a second time – and I am still marveling at his devotion.

* * * * *

There were many other small acts of love from other men - such as sending my favourite flowers to my office, taking me to a lovely restaurant for a really romantic dinner or singing for me over the phone while playing their guitars.

I sincerely appreciate each of them for their efforts. However, love, no matter how great it is, has to be EXCLUSIVE. I could only love one man at any point in time.

Each of the men has unwittingly made me who I am today – a hopeless romantic. I will never be able to express how much each of these acts have nurtured me over the years, melting my cold and bitter exterior, little by little. I am a much more loving person now because I was so blessed with love.

I am sorry if my inability to reciprocate your feelings has hurt you.

All I can say is - thank you for loving me.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Theresa

Friday, December 02, 2005

Le Crazy Horse

I know you guys must be waiting in trembling anticipation for this post!

I had to be there around 5pm because I needed to usher the VIPs. The much-hyped about Crazy Horse sits snugly at a fabulous and premium entertainment hub, right next to Liang Court.

As soon as I stepped into the place, I was awed by the opulent and plush decor. The color theme for the entire place is a deep rich red, with a spread of lush red curtains, red chandeliers, red plush cushions and luxurious red carpets. For a moment, I felt like a filthy rich socialite in an exotic world of luxury wrapped in plush velvet and silk.

Le Concept

Crazy Horse Singapore is the biggest franchise in the world and first in Asia, surpassing the original one in Paris - which is only a 200-seat theatre. The one we have is an integrated entertainment concept - consisting of the following elements:

1) Le Theatre: 400-seater intimate theatrical experience showcasing the most beautiful and artistic nude show in the world

2) Le Boutique - Unique merchandise corner retailing quality Crazy Horse T-shirts, caps, and other interesting premiums

3) Le Restaurant- Open kitchen concept restuarant decked with red velvet curtains and carpeting serving Modern European Cuisine dinner

4) Le Lounge - This is my absolute favourite! It's a lounge screaming of boudoir decor - with its velvety sofas, leather swings with oodles of plush blue and red cushions, a quaint bar counter and intricate parisian-designed full length mirrors. I was gushing non-stop by the time I came to the round swinging beds, strewn with velvet cushions and shrouded by ebony beaded curtains, tucked away at two intimate corners.

The best thing about this place is you can always chill out here even if you are not watching the show.

Le Founder

To understand how the show came about, you've got to know something about the man behind these barenaked ladies!

Founded by Alain Bernardin in 1951, the Crazy Horse show is a 100-minute spectacle of visual art feast with dance, lights and precision choreography. This premium brand of showmanship features L'Art du Nu (Art of the Nude) - a nude show that marries artistry with sensuality.

Alain himself was influenced by the major international avant-garde movements: Neo-Dadaism and New Realism, Pop Art, Op-Art Kinetics. His sense of performance art was therefore constantly enriched by what the visual and audio-visual culture of the age had to offer.

Alain lived intensely within his era, bathing in the incessant flow of change. The woman was the ideal backdrop for his art. A naked female body was the ideal screen for projecting the host of images which go to make up the theatre of the world. It is no paradox that this master of the ART OF THE NUDE was also an attentive observer of Avant-Garde fashions.

Le Show (....drum roll.....)

The time that all of you have been waiting for - Le Show!

Personally, I felt that the show is classy and sleek, more like a watered-down version of Moulin Rogue. It is NOT a striptease show - but a NUDE show. Which means when the girls appear on stage, you could already see their bouncing boobs and nipples. Of course full nudity would never be allowed in Singapore, so the girls were merely stripped down to their g-strings.

The girls were slim and tall - and quite gorgeous in fact. What I really love about the show is that it is not risque or kinky. The dance sequences were mostly sensual and tantalizing - stimulating your senses through the kaleidoscope of lights and graphics which bathed the bodies of the almost-nude dancers. There must be at least 1o various sets of various performances, ranging from Cirque du Soleil-like dances and cutesy routines to sensual moves and wild gyrations.

Le Price

In case you haven't figure out, Crazy Horse is targeted at the discerning audience with taste. It's not your typical sleazy joint with dirty old men trying to get an orgasm just by looking at the posters.

Dress code is lounge suit for men and cocktail dresses for women. It is positioned as THE premium entertainment venue for the more affluent locals and tourists.

Seating Prices

VIP (right in front of the stage): S$500 for 2 with half bottle of Champagne

Private Box: S$600 for 4 with one bottle of Champagne or S$750 for 5 with two glasses of Champagne per person

Premiere: S$125 with one standard drink or S$300 for 2 with half a bottle of Champagne

Deluxe: S$85 with a standard drink

Bar: S$85 with a standard drink


It was indeed a fun and a truly remarkable and 'enlightening' experience. My colleagues were so amused by the 'Le'-prefixes that they started spouting a slew of Le-phrases - just for laughs.

"Where is Le-toilet?"
"Le-restroom is at Le-left!"
"Let's go for le-dinner at le-Clark Quay."
"Le-waiter is cute. Go ask for le-number."

I seriously it's time for all of us to make love to le-beds.

Thanks for reading this far.


Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Berrynice's Bestseller

Artwork by LuvPhobia
Words by Elvina

Remember the travelogue I wrote not too long ago on HotBoys Fishing Kelong? Well, someone saw my article and was impressed enough to drop me an email, asking me if I could give him permission to use my content in his upcoming book - featuring Malaysia's island resorts and getaways.

The book will be written in the perspective of the traveller - so it would probably be very anecdotal and insightful. I was thrilled, no doubt! The book will be sold online in both hard and soft copies - and will be available some time next year. I can't wait......

Also found out recently that I could leverage on the power of internet for self-publishing. Do you know what that means? I can now fulfil my dream of publishing a book! Check out lulu.com and you will see the potential of this dream.....

I have always wanted to write on these various genres: Children's Activity and Story Book, Women's newsletter, a autobiography-like Novel, Collection of Poetries, Marketing Tips for Entreprenuers etc. Would you guys buy my book if I finally get it out? I promise to autograph it for free hahaha.....

Being so near to my dream can be quite intimdating. I am not sure if I am ready to bring my works out into the public domain. Somehow, despite the confident debonair that I exude, there's a tiny part of me that's remains a li'l fearful of failure. I guess that might be because I view writing as my only strength and pride. Hence, any signs of my works being potentially belittled by the literary world would probably rip me apart and crush me to bits.

Maybe you guys might have some inspiration for me. What topics do you think I should write about? What would interest you to get a copy of the book? What should I write that would be of significant interest to you?

First step to marketing a book is really to understand what your readers are looking for. So - all your comments would be seriously taken into consideration, I promise!

I am going for the Crazy Horse trade launch tomorrow evening...so do expect some updates on this premium striptease club. Unfortunately I am not allowed to take photos - so I guess you'd have to use your imagination! :P

Sorry that this entry does not seem very inspiring. I am actually suffering from acute gastric and migraine, probably from the severe lack of sleep and irregular meals. So my mind's really not working very well these couple of days. Do pardon my absurd rantings.

Meanwhile, do drop me a note and tell me what you would like to read. Who knows? I may jolly well be the next JK Rowling.

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.
– Buckminster Fuller

Monday, November 28, 2005


Dear faithful readers of my humble blog…

A thousand apologies for the lack of updates this entire week. I have been so busy with my work lately that I slept less than 4 hours each day. Looking haggard by the day… :(

I was drafting a multi-million contract to inject a new slew of entertainment events for Singapore. My mission is to bring in global branded events that will anchor Singapore as the Entertainment Capital of Asia. 2006 will blow your mind away. If you get hit by wave after wave of world-class entertainment events, you’d know I have a hand and leg in this.

2005 will end on a high note – Crazy Horse (“almost full nudity” cabaret-striptease dance club!) will seduce the island on the first week of December. ZoukOut returns on a much bigger scale – promising more bikini babes, tanned hunks and some of the world’s best DJs. Ministry of Sound will open its virgin act at The Cannery – threatening to give Zouk a run for their money with the best dance sounds from UK’s music scene.

To summarize, I will be working very hard to try and bring in entertainment events that will hopefully propel Singapore into the realms of Las Vegas, New York and Sydney. I am tasked to entice companies to bring in Broadway Musicals (the likes of Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, West Side Story) throughout the year; outdoor parties such as ZoukOut and Live and Loud; concerts, award shows as well as the most hip and happening nightspots from Japan, UK and US.

With all that brain juice devoted in making Singapore a better place, I decided it’s time for another scorching hot fishy weekend for me at the Hotboys Kelong!

So here I am again – surrounded by an unprecedented group of HOT hunks and pretty babes. Drool factor – 90%. :)~

The Kelong reached its full capacity this weekend, with 125 fishing enthusiasts casting their baits into the crystal clear sea. There was much hustle and bustle as the topless guys strutted around, blinding me with their tanned and well-oiled six packs. Wooooooo~……

The girls are equally hot – and I’d taken their photos for your viewing pleasure. *drooLz*

The Kelong staff gave me an extremely “warm” welcome – some of whom were already plotting OPENLY how they would use me as a live bait for sharks, or hurl me into the sea while I was asleep. So much for hospitality haha...

As they always say, a picture paints a thousand words. So here’s a few thousand words for your viewing pleasure.

Last but not least, the haggard-looking me.....

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Things That Don't Impress Me

I am sure some of you can remember that I blogged about Things That Make Me Happy not so long ago.

For today's blog, allow me to rant about Things That Don't Impress Me.

1. Durian

This tops the list of the things that put me off. It smells like shit. It is pokey and ugly green. It tastes like vomit mixed with stale rubbish. I used to buy it for my mom cos she loves it. But no matter how I hold that stoopid durian, its thorns kept stabbing me and I ended up with many tiny holes on my legs. Oh, how I hate this vile fruit.

2. Liver

No.2 most hated food. I would rather die than eat this. When I was young, my mom tried ways and means to mix this in my food. She would boil liver soup and use the base to cook porridge. Other times, she would mince the liver into extremely microscopic pieces and fry it with other dishes. Unfortunately, nothing could escape my supernatural tastebuds. I could tell right away without even tasting the food. My mom soon learnt that the rubbish chute would be well-fed every time she tried cooking anything with liver.

3. Cheating Hearts

Man or woman, as long as you cheat on your loved one, you are condemned in my list. Well, maybe that's too strong a word. But still, there are some things I cannot accept and infidelity is one of them. If you cannot stay faithful, don't hold up someone else's life. Free yourself to love whoever you want, and free your partners to find someone who deserves their faithfulness.

4. Petty Men

Oh brother. Men who harp on the smallest things, go anal and ballistic over mindless and senseless issues, and explode over insignificant topics - are a mega turn off. I like to think I am quite cool about a lot of things - and sometimes I feel as if I think and act like a guy. I can be nonchalant about many mundane things in life. I like to prioritize and focus on issues that are critical to me. But if a guy becomes clingy and possessive, it irritates the hell out of me. Breathing space is extremely important to me, and I like a guy to be cool and understanding. Petty, insensitive, unreasonable, quarrelsome, close-minded, judgemental, abusive men - can go take a kite from my storeroom and fly it at Marina Bay.

5. Chocolate, candies and all things sweet

Many of my guy friends have proclaimed that I am not a girl. Reason being I - unlike most females - do not have a sweet tooth. I don't go goo goo ga ga over chocolates, and I have no weakenesses for sweets. I actually shocked a couple of people with that piece of trivia. I don't hate sweet stuff. I just don't have an affinity for it. Hence, cakes and desserts have absolutely no effect on me either like they do on other women - who seem to have a glazed look every time they see such sweet delicacies.

6. Insincerity

You would have figured out by now that I am a very sincere, frank and open person. Insincerity stinks big time. How do I sniff out these type of fakers? Well, they are the kind whom you have not met since you graduated from primary school - and they call you up one fine day asking if you have time to meet them for tea. Hidden agenda? They are either trying to sell you insurance, investments, or invite you to their wedding dinner.

Hello?!! I have not seen you for DONKEY YEARS and when you finally remembered who I am, all you care about is my money?

7. Relatives

I really hate to say this - but I have absolutely no love for them. Ever since my dad passed away, they disappeared faster than you can say "goodbye". None of them stayed around to see us through the darkest period of our lives. They weren't there when I was starving. They weren't there when I was hospitalized for high fever. They weren't there when I have to juggle three jobs to feed myself and my family. In short, they left us to die.

I have heard of relatives who fight among themselves - stabbing each other left, right, front, back, center - in a tussle for inheritance. I knew of relatives who fell out over money. I knew of relatives who gossip about each other all the time - and drive wedges among family members with their vindictive words.

With relatives like that, who needs enemies?

Disclaimer: I do know of friends who have wonderful relatives. Hence, this entry is not a mere generalization. It's just my story to tell.

8. Abortion

I am really against abortion. Someone commented that I was being too Pro-life. Excuse me? We are talking about a life here. You sow a seed and while it is growing - you destroy it with your own hands? What logic is that?

And we are not even discussing a herb now. This is a breathing cell, which is morphing into a human with a brain, a beating heart, tiny hands and feet and most of all, a God-given soul - every single minute.
I was a pure biology student many years ago. During one of the lessons, my biology teacher wanted to explain the different stages of pregnancy - so she showed us real embryos and foetuses that were preserved in jars. I found out later that these foetuses were taken from the hospitals, aborted at different stages of their life cycles.

I could not handle the monstrosity behind the callous act of abortion that I broke down in front of the class. All I saw that day were dead babies. The shock was too much to bear.

Abortion is pure murder. No matter what excuses there may be.

Then again, I would always look to Tony Blair for an invaluable piece of advice where this sensitive issue is concerned:

"However much I dislike the idea of abortion, you should not criminalize a woman who, in very difficult circumstances, makes that choice."

=: :=

I actually have very few dislikes. But these are some things that really irk me big time and to know me, is to understand not only the things that I love, but also the things that put me off.

Savour and learn - and be enlightened.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Quarter Life Crisis

Do any of you believe in quarter-life crisis?

I think I am in one right now. A quarter-life crisis can happen any time from the age of 25 to 35. It is a point where you start to take stock of what you have done and achieved for the last 2 to 3 decades of your life.

It is also a point where I start to wonder - "Where will I be heading to next?"

You feel that you are at a crossroads. And you are equally unsure about the various paths that lie ahead of you.

What do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I hope to achieve? How can I be a happier person? What choices shall I make? Why do I need to make any decisions anyway? Which of the paths should I embark on?

Lots of questions. Plenty of doubts. Loads of uncertainties. And zero answers.

I like to think that I am a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and needs. But there are times like these, that I feel I am losing it.

I used to plan 5 years ahead. When I was in Secondary 1, I already knew that I wanted to go for Mass Communication studies in Ngee Ann Poly. I aimed to work in a media industry and nowhere else. I prepped myself for 4 years just to reach that goal. Sat for a written test with 600 over people. Was one of the 300 students shortlisted for the interview, and finally selected as one of the 120 people who eventually made it to this course. After I graduated, I spent 8 and half years in MTV.

Somehow I managed to meet all my goals. It was amazing.

I planned to get my degree since I graduated from Poly in 1996. I finally pursued that dream in 2003 and completed my course this year. Did pretty well too.

Again, I knew what I wanted and went all out for it. That's me. Blazing a warpath to my final destination the moment I am locked on to my target. I was unstoppable.

But I fear I am losing it.

I feel really lost nowadays. I like my work, but I am not feeling any sense of gratification like I used to. I have tons of friends who love me, but I feel lonely all the same. And as someone has aptly pointed out, I yearn for love, but yet I do not want to accept it when it comes around. I know there are better ways to earn more money so that I can clear my liabilities faster, but yet, I mope around, getting by each day with the measly token I get for the work I put in.

No motivation at all to do anything different. Why?

It's as if my mind has been reduced to a state of inertia. I have no more plans for the future. No more targets to reach for. No mood to start any relationships. No drive to work and excel. No reasons to enjoy whatever is going on in my life right now.

I might even start to feel that my existence is really quite meaningless. What am I here for? What can I do to make my life better? If it's not getting any better, what's the point of holding on? When can I let go? When can I stop this endless, pathetic state of mess that's raining down on me?

What has happened? I don't really know. I could only pin the blame on quarter-life crisis. I know not what I want. I know not where I am going. I don't even remember why I am here for.

Maybe there's a secret organization somewhere out there that's conspiring to erase me from the face of the earth.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

In The Name of Love

I was relating stories of my past relationships to a special friend recently – and in the process of recounting them, a horrific realization began to dawn upon me. I have actually done some quite silly things before – in the name of love.

1. Writing one letter every single day for three months. To help ease the loneliness my ex-boyfriend may face in camp, I passed him one week’s worth of love letters every weekend so that he would have something to read when he book in.

2. Calling almost every single radio station in Singapore – every single day. Thank God for redial buttons. You could not imagine how challenging it was to even get through to ONE station, much less 10. I flooded the airwaves with loads of song dedications to the guy, proclaiming my undying love and how much I missed him in both Mandarin and English - to the entire nation. I would then compile all these dedications on a cassette – so that he could listen to them when he’s back in camp – every single week.

3. Standing in the pouring rain, waiting for a guy who left me without a word. My best friend came and saw me standing there, completely oblivious to the relentless rain pelting down on my battered soul. She hugged me and cried with me in the rain.

4. Writing a love poem and publishing it in the Classifieds section of The Straits Times on Valentine’s Day.

5. My ex-boyfriend loved Pinocchio. I spent weeks searching for various Pinocchio toys on e-Bay, and placed bids for at least 6 different toys – just in case I lose the bid. I won bids for four. He now owns two Pinocchio soft toys, one tiny plastic Pinocchio toy and one authentic Pinocchio string puppet.

6. Spending many weekends traveling from my home in the north to my ex-boyfriend’s hostel in the east just to watch him sleep. Each way took 1 hour 45 minutes.

7. Spending a few hundred dollars on balls of wool and knitting needles, hoping to knit a vest for my guy. We broke up when I was just putting the finishing touches to the front of the vest.

8. Ordering two VHS tapes of Judas Priest concert performances from the States for a boyfriend who was totally into speed metal. We broke up before the tapes arrived.

I might have done a lot more ridiculous things, like starving myself for four hours waiting for my guy to finish his work and take me out to dinner at 11pm.

But somehow, I don’t seem to remember much of those things anymore.

Those were the days.

Sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter. --Bertolt Brecht

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sex and The City

Have you ever watched Sex and The City? It's a drama series revolving around the lives of 4 women - a lawyer, an art gallery manager, a columnist/writer and a PR consultant. They were beautiful and sexy in their own right, and possess 4 totally different personalities.

Samantha Jones, the self-centered PR consultant, is totally open about her sexuality, and has absolutely no qualms exploiting it to get what she wants. She is super confident and could be a bitch at times, but that also means she's no pushover. She's extremely smart and one of the most hilarious characters of the show, simply because she talks about sex as if it's American breakfast - something you take every day without giving too much thought with the sole purpose of satisfying your hunger.

Carrie Bradshaw is a popular columnist who writes about love, relationships and sex, and usually draws inspiration from her friends and her own dysfunctional relationships. She is your typical lovelorn cosmopolitan woman who worships shoes, bags, clothes and fancy parties. Men drift in and out of her life - bringing her on one roller-coaster ride after another - most spiralling towards an emotional wreck. She is good at her work, but falters when it comes to relationships.

Charlotte York is your goody-two-shoes, spiritual, religious babe who does everything by the book. She is constantly shocked by Samantha's explicit description of her sexacapdes, and would not hesitate to show her disgust. She gets extremely flustered and works herself up into a senseless frenzy whenever things do not go her way. She believes in true love and is constantly pining for her Prince Charming. Her ultimate ambition in life is to get married and have kids. She's your perfect wife and mother.

Miranda Hobbes is the stiff, principled, level-headed lawyer who keeps her passion suppressed, while going about her daily life with the precision of a clockwork mouse. She's the no-nonsense, impatient, career-driven woman who sees everything in either black or white. She sometimes loses her bearings, exposing that rare moment of her vulnerability. She is a perfectionist and is hard on herself and the people around her.

So - which Sex and The City babe are you? Take thist to test to find out! ;P

I am a "Samantha".

Score: 21 points -- You're Samantha -- uninhibited, powerful, and sensual. You pursue sex with unbarred enthusiasm -- and without letting feelings get in the way. Relationships aren't exactly your strong point, but you date more than any of your friends, and you're the one they come to when they need advice in the bedroom.

Take the above analysis with a HUGE pinch of salt.....please.

Why do I like this particular show?

I think it's because the characters in the show are easily identifiable. Most girls fall within one or more of the types as described above. Personally, I am a cross between Samantha, Carrie and Miranda.

One thing I really admire about the girls in the show - is how despite their obvious differences, they could still come together, bonding and bitching regularly over coffee, meals and cocktails. Occasionally, the different personalities may clash, but they eventually understand that the friendship is worth more than a petty quarrel.

There was even an episode where baby-hater Samantha reluctantly agreed to babysit Miranda's baby boy while she goes on a date. That's what friends are for - isn't it? To be there for you through thick and thin, thicker and thinner.

Some time ago, I have a group of girls that I hang out with every Friday night. Uncannily, the four of us seemed to take on the four different personalities of the babes in Sex and The City. Being the more vocal and unbridled female in the group, I am naturally a Samantha - often shocking my "Charlotte" and "Carrie" friends. The level-headed Miranda usually just rolls her eyes at my nonsense.

Not long after, a virus called marriage wiped out two of our girls and reduced the group strength to two. It was only me and "Miranda" left.

We tried injecting a couple of fresh new blood into the group, but somehow it just doesn't feel the same anymore. We have known the other two girls for more than 6 years - and the chemistry between us is as impeccable as the one sizzling on the show. It's almost irreplaceable.

So it came to pass that our Sex and The City weekly gathering became a mixed bag of sorts - from ex-colleagues to present colleagues to MSN friends to MSN friends' friends. Not sure if this is ideal, but apparently, some regulars in the group are not handling the influx of foreign bodies too well. Maybe it's about time I stick to familiar grounds.

Recently, I have an extremely strong urge to retreat into my impenetrable shell. It protects me from the harshness that was brewing around me. No, I am not depressed. Nor do I feel emotional.

If I analysed myself correctly, I think I feel vulnerable.
I may be strong, but I am not invincible.

Many times, when I am alone, I wonder about my friends.

- Are we all accepting, like the women in Sex and The City?
- Do we embrace each other shortcomings, and tolerate one another's flaws?
- Could we ever be there for each other always - no matter what circumstances?
- As much as we disagree with one another, do we put aside our differences and work towards a satisfying compromise?
- Could we openly talk to each other even when we are fully aware that it may not eventually achieve our objective of getting the message across?
- Could we seek to understand, even if we do not concur?
- Have we been hearing but not listening, looking but not really seeing?
- Can we bring ourselves to overlook petty transgressions and forgive unintentional mistakes?
- Are we able to recognise the little imperfections in our friends and love them all the same?
- Do we have the capacity to accept that things may change, but possess the confidence that our friendship would still be as true?
- Have we unknowingly created undue pressure by pre-setting expectations on how a friend should behave?
- Have we stopped sharing our innermost secrets for fear of backlash?
- Could we truly refrain from passing judgement?

Frankly, many of the answers in my mind are swimming in a blurry mess. I used to be able to tell instantly, but of late - I find myself severely and emotionally handicapped. I no longer knew distinctly what was expected of me - as a friend.

Sometimes it feels that nothing I do was ever good enough.
Or worse - everything I do warrants a criticism, accusation or assumption.
Any form of explanation only serves to throw me in an argumentative/defensive light.

I used to proclaim proudly that my friends will stand by me no matter what, because that is exactly how I will be to them.

My loyalty is a simple, straight-forward, no-strings attached concept. VIP status is automatically accorded to those I hold dear as friends. I accept them WHOLESALE - no matter who they are, what they are or who they have or will become. They could be the most undesirable people to walk this planet, but they will be the ones I cherished most - simply because they are my friends.

Such simplistic view apparently - belongs to me, and me only.

And then I realise how alone I was in my concept of "friendship". It is no Sex and The City, as much as I would love to fantasize it to be so.

Humans will always have expectations. They will be appalled, disappointed, sad, worried, uneasy, disillusioned, angry, upset, frustrated, irritated - as long as your behaviour does not measure up to those expectations.

I realised sadly, that I am a victim not by choice, but of circumstance.

And that was when I knew I needed to retreat. To be alone. To seek solace in my shell. To withdraw and think about how best I can protect my idealistic view, but yet at the same time, assimilate myself to the brutal truth of reality.

Last but not least, I need time to assure myself - that despite who I am not, I am still good enough.

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow.
I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall."

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Nirvana Crap

Watched a movie recently - in which the female protagonist said something that left quite an impression on me.

"Whenever I feel happy, I get scared. Because I know, something will make me unhappy again very soon."

So much for optimisim.

I can almost relate to this feeling of "happy despair". Somehow, that's how I feel most of the times. It's as if I'm not supposed to feel too happy for fear that the sadness which follows would engulf my entire being and rob all traces of joy in me.

I guess you can liken it to Pavlov's Classical Conditioning Theory. If every happy event is followed by a miserable one, in time to come, one will be conditioned to believe that there would be a depressing occurrence each time one experiences bliss.

Totally warped isn't it?

There's one other thing about this concept called happiness. In a strategy meeting one day, my boss suddenly made a philosophical statement.

He said, "You cannot pursue or seek happiness. What one usually does is to go after things that will make them happy.

So, what you call happiness is getting what you want, achievement or success, becoming noble, getting anything that you want. As long as you want something and you can get it, you feel perfectly happy; you are not frustrated, but if you cannot get what you want, then unhappiness begins."

His words actually had me pondering for a long time. It sounds really logical. One probably wouldn't feel happy for no reason at all. I must have seen something, experience something or achieved something to be in that state. Sounds like some kind of nirvana crap where if you seek happiness it will evade you, but if you don't actively pursue it, it shall come to you naturally.

I wonder how many times have I deliberately embark on or purse something in order to achieve that lovely, sweet feeling of happiness. Do I feel truly happy after that? Or am I just deceiving myself? How can I define true happiness? Is there a checklist for me to tick off the corresponding responses and reactions?

The whole ideology is so abstract that I start to get a migraine just thinking about it.

If anyone has an answer to the eluding concept of happiness, come share it with me. Is it having loads of money? Everlasting love? Success in business? A high-flying career? Being at peace with oneself?

Sadly, I have no answer yet at this point in my life. But I did experience a small moment of happiness last night when I came across two blogs that speak of Hotel Solace. Jade Falcon was probably one of the first blogger to promote my blog on his, but he has since closed his site.

Check out the latest Hotel Solace "marketing agents":

Dave from Australia

John Huong from Singapore

I am truly touched by your endorsements. Thanks for believing in me and this blog.

"Happiness is like a cloud. If you stare at it long enough, it evaporates."
- Sarah McLachlan

Friday, November 11, 2005

Why Are You Here?

There are millions and millions of blogs in the blogosphere. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder - what makes someone choose to read a person's blog but not another?

What drives people to a blog? Controversy? Sexcapades? Tragedies? Love stories? Politically incorrect verbal diarrhoea? Dirty secrets?

Why do some even bother to read about other people's lives? What motivates them to log on every day, hungrily devouring each and every printed word published by the author?

What goes through each reader's mind, as their eyes splayed over the screen?

How do they feel being let in on the lives of someone they hardly know, except for the virtual persona that the blogger paints online?

I read some people's blog for a few reasons. The most practical one would be because that blogger happens to read my blog, and out of blogger's etiquette, I feel obligated to return the favour. But yet I am selective - I don't read ALL blogs. Scarcity of time simply means I have to filter out the more quality ones to read.

I like reading blogs also because it gives me an insight into another person's mind. It's interesting to know the kind of random thoughts that get translated into verbal diarrhoea. The more complicated a person's thoughts are, the more intrigued I get. I am curious what made him/her the way they are. What moulded their life perceptions? Bloggers like these inspire me.

Strong command of the language definitely helps - because I love to learn and muse at the different styles of good writing. But being a good writer is not enough to command my attention. The blogger must have its own brand of persona and attitude, a character that is distinctive in its own special way.

Few bloggers possess that. So I only read those that I link on my blog. The rest are really a waste of my time.

I feel very much for people, and they are usually the main source of my inspiration. Being a blogger myself, I do feel a sense of unspoken affinity towards other fellow bloggers. But again, this affinity is usually reserved for a selected few. Such exclusivity confers a kind of special status to these people that I hold high regard for. Simply because what they have written have either impressed me, touched me, or inspired me - in their own li'l ways.

That's just moi.

What about you, the one who is reading this entry right now? I am curious about you - especially at this point in my blog - where I feel you would probably know more about me than I would ever know about you.

1) Why do you read my blog? How do you know about this blog?
2) How often do you read it?
3) What motivates you to read it again?
4) What kind of impression have you formed after reading it?
5) Has my blog influenced, affected, inspired, changed, traumatized, touched you in any way? If yes, how? If no, why not?

Five simple questions - and hopefully I will get five truthful, honest, and no-holds barred answers from you.

At least for once, let me know who you are - since I have bared my heart and soul to all of you for so long.

"Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support."

Thursday, November 10, 2005

How Bad Is My Temper

Few will believe that a hardcore practical and materialistic person like you is capable of sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait you successfully hide from others. You can see thing with anger but will not betray your feelings.

But then, there are times that even you cannot control your temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and scream, more with frustration at the situation than with anger at any particular person. Your outbursts can shock others and can make them feel guilty too.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I Am Sorry

I hurt someone last night.

I didn't mean to, but I have to.

Sometimes, the best things in life happens once in a lifetime. Once it comes, and you fail to grasp it tight enough, it will simply slip through your fingers, leaving you only with trails of what it could have been.

Why does one have to wait till something's gone to realise how special it was?

Why does one have to hold on to such strong principles and ideals - that serve only to keep others at bay?

Why must it be that the insecurity of one - has to be fully accepted by another?

Why is it that if something means a hell of a lot to you, that you can choose not to want it?

Why do people always want to have their cake and eat it, and not spare a thought for those who could not?

Why is that some men always have the ability to make me feel that I am never going to be good enough for them to take that leap of faith?

Why is it that when I hung around, you said you'd be happy for me if I need to move on; and when I moved on, you were upset that I didn't tarry a while more?

Why does it sometimes feel that we are so close, but yet so far apart?

Why is it that whenever I feel happy with you, your nonchalance and non-committal attitude woke me up to the harsh reality that all I felt was shortlived?

Why must you give me mixed signals if all you wanted was for me to wait?

Why do you make me feel I am dispensable at times, and that my departure is not really a big deal?

Why is it so easy for you to come and go as you please?

Why is it so difficult for me to get any assurance that I may be the one?

Why am I not convinced that I am worth fighting for?

Why do you let uncertainty take over all other signs that were screaming for you to take notice?

Most importantly, why is losing me not a significant reason for anyone to want to hold on tightly to me as soon as possible?

I only wanted to find myself back - and I desperately need to regain my self-worth. I do not want to feel lousy about myself anymore. I do not want to feel that I am not good enough for anyone to put aside all his insecurities, fear and uncertainties.

I do not want to be engaged in an emotional tug-of-war where I was being pulled in all directions, not knowing where the final destination was.

I am very tired and emotionally worn out - so I need to stop whatever that is hurting me. Please understand.

I know you think I don't understand. Maybe I don't. Maybe I understood too much to know this is not what I want. I don't think you will ever understand either. At least not now.

I Am Sorry.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Kelong Memories

Hi peeps!!

Check out some of the latest photos from my Kelong trip! :)

Met a babe Jacquline who's there with her hubby Ivan. We clicked almost instantly! Took this at the jetty.....

Check out my artistically-taken photos of the Kelong. Taken from my trusty E730 Samsung HP! I reduced the pixels of the photos using Photoshop - cos the originals were super sharp and high-res!

Photo of fishies caught by a group of super-on aunties and uncles. Ginger still the older the hotter! Rumour has it that the group caught more than 200 fish.... Not surprised. I was reading till 4am and those peeps are still fishing!

Me and Jac in the bumboat ride!

Moi @the Kelong with the sea in the background

I really like the peace and tranquility of this place.

Many have asked why I went alone. I needed that solitude. I badly need to spend some time with myself. For the longest time, I have spend most of my life living for other people. It's about time I allow myself the luxury of indulging and relaxing, without having to think about others.

I like spending time with moi.

"No life can be barren which hears the whisper of the wind in the branches, or the voice of the sea as it breaks upon the shore; and no soul can lack happiness looking up to the midnight stars." - William Forrest Winter