I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I Am Sorry

I hurt someone last night.

I didn't mean to, but I have to.

Sometimes, the best things in life happens once in a lifetime. Once it comes, and you fail to grasp it tight enough, it will simply slip through your fingers, leaving you only with trails of what it could have been.

Why does one have to wait till something's gone to realise how special it was?

Why does one have to hold on to such strong principles and ideals - that serve only to keep others at bay?

Why must it be that the insecurity of one - has to be fully accepted by another?

Why is it that if something means a hell of a lot to you, that you can choose not to want it?

Why do people always want to have their cake and eat it, and not spare a thought for those who could not?

Why is that some men always have the ability to make me feel that I am never going to be good enough for them to take that leap of faith?

Why is it that when I hung around, you said you'd be happy for me if I need to move on; and when I moved on, you were upset that I didn't tarry a while more?

Why does it sometimes feel that we are so close, but yet so far apart?

Why is it that whenever I feel happy with you, your nonchalance and non-committal attitude woke me up to the harsh reality that all I felt was shortlived?

Why must you give me mixed signals if all you wanted was for me to wait?

Why do you make me feel I am dispensable at times, and that my departure is not really a big deal?

Why is it so easy for you to come and go as you please?

Why is it so difficult for me to get any assurance that I may be the one?

Why am I not convinced that I am worth fighting for?

Why do you let uncertainty take over all other signs that were screaming for you to take notice?

Most importantly, why is losing me not a significant reason for anyone to want to hold on tightly to me as soon as possible?

I only wanted to find myself back - and I desperately need to regain my self-worth. I do not want to feel lousy about myself anymore. I do not want to feel that I am not good enough for anyone to put aside all his insecurities, fear and uncertainties.

I do not want to be engaged in an emotional tug-of-war where I was being pulled in all directions, not knowing where the final destination was.

I am very tired and emotionally worn out - so I need to stop whatever that is hurting me. Please understand.

I know you think I don't understand. Maybe I don't. Maybe I understood too much to know this is not what I want. I don't think you will ever understand either. At least not now.

I Am Sorry.


TO said...

Life is such.. only when we lost it, we will realised how much we missed it. But life goes on, one way or another. There is always a light at the far end.. just need some time to get there.. and when you are there, someone special awaits you.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Thank you TO.

sÞ¡ηηєє said...

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in.

In any case, penance need not be paid in suffering...It can be paid in forward motion. Correcting the mistake is a positive move, a nurturing move.

I roughly had the idea who you are referring to that him (after reading that post on another place).

You guys really need to talk man.

Tan Kok Seng said...

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
As if I've offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two

- Love Will Come To You from Rites of Passage by The Indigo Girls (1992)

Guoyao said...

Been reading your blog thru another blog. No need to feel apologetic. I think you have to do what you have to do. It hurts now. But it's right for you to make that decision, otherwise, it will be even more painful. A man who is indecisive will wear your down. He is like a man who looks into the mirror and later forget how he looks like. every now and then who will be toss left and right by the wind of life. There are other mature men out there. Cheer up! :p

Anonymous said...

Hi, hv to admit that I'm an ardent fan of your blog ;-> and this is the 2nd time I'd made a comment on your blog.

I share your sentiments and agony of being hurt, it will definitely take a long while to get over it.
Cos I'd experienced being emotionally worn out and drained, even till now (since last Nov); moreover mine wasn't even a guyfriend but only a soulmate (girlfriend) whom I'd lost and only thru the lost that I'd realised what I really missed; don't worry i'm straight! only that we shared so much weals and woes till one stage where we can't overcome some tests and am still wondering why such turn of events should befall and there i'm still suffering from this fate where she in turn is enjoying her life right now. It's true that some people have no qualms over one's emotions and come and go as they please, to them its just a way of living.

I know it's hard for you to take it right now, but time willl definitely heal all wounds.

I totally agree with what "spinee" said.

Rukawa said...

is it fair to condamn a guy as immature just because he cannot make up his mind? there might be considerations that are hindering his decision making?

unless of course there is another party in the picture, than it might be better to go on.

mel said...

You started off with “I think I hurt someone” but it looks like you got hurt a lot more. I wish I could find the words to make u feel better. …I told u before, u r a very special person, don’t ever forget that. Maybe not to him but I’m sure to lots of other people. Is he really worth it? I don’t know, only you know the answer to that. I think the other guys here have posted what I wanted to say and feel…do take of yourself first. Tis your well being, both mental and emotional, that matters the most now. Fear not, Lady Titiania, there is a Lord Oberon…

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Many thanks everyone - for your support and very kind encouraging words. Though we may be virtual friends, it touches me to know that you guys care. That's enough for me.

Spinee: Thank you. I understand what you mean. I hurt but I know it's the best way to move or I will end up feeling worse. We have talked. And this is my decision.

Kok Seng: As always, you never fail to amaze me with your knowledge and linguistic skills. Tat was a wonderful passage. Thank you.

Guoyao: Thank you. He is a nice guy and I am sure he does not mean to hurt me. We were just at different stages in our lives where our timing completely clashes. It's as much my loss as it is his.

Anonymous: Wouldn't it be better for you to leave at least a nick? Thank you for supporting my ramblings. It's good enough for me to know u understand. Sometimes, that's all one needs.

Rukawa: Yes you are right. Please do not see this guy any differently. We both just made choices that were wrong for each other. Nobody's fault.

Mel: I will be fine. Thank you for your encouragemet. Time shall heal all wounds.

LGSF said...

Terribly sorry to hear what you're going through. Seems that a lot of doubts were left unanswered......

It's such a cliche, to say - Time will heal all wounds - but, as we all know, it's a lot easier to give, than to receive such advice.

But life does, and indeed will go on. I trust that you are strong enough to walk this journey. You're never truly alone. We'll walk this adventure of Life with you, and if, somewhere down the line, Mr Right comes along, we'll still continue this journey with you. So you see, you're never truly alone, ever.

You've been my inspiration to start writing again (I'm sure you're aware of this), and, after reading this, I couldn't help myself:

As I look back on yesteryear,
Memories arise, as I hide my tears.
To know that naught has come to pass,
Did I have to come in last?

A silent wink, a gentle smile,
I was so happy, but for awhile.
A silent whisper, a fleeting touch,
The things I'd hoped, was it too much?

My head held high, for all to see,
But no one sees me, for really me.
Perhaps it's true, love comes and goes,
It's not yet time, as my history shows.

I tell myself, No! Never again!
Enough of hurting, enough of pain.
To Venus's wiles, I shall not bow,
Their loss, not mine. I know this now.

Am I destined to be alone,
With nary a mate to call my own?
If so, around me, friends I'll gather,
This journey of Life, we'll walk together.

As I look back on yesteryear,
Memories arise with no more tears.
So what if naught has come to pass,
I now know I didn't come in last.

Bored Dad said...

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to read what you had just went through. I agreed with Mel that it does sound like you are the one who are hurt more than he does.

Also, I'm not sure how and where to find words to sooth your hurt and give back the joy into your heart, but I do hope you do aware by now, you are not alone, cause you still have friends out here supporting you. Meanwhile, just let your recover and rest.

I still believes that one day, you will find your man.

rainbow7j said...

Yes time will heal the wounds,
but what is left would be memories...

how nice if one can really erase them and starts all over again,

computers memories can be formatted from its harddisk,

memories for human last forever...

rainbow7j said...

sorry for the mindless rambles,

I have to admit...

I was such a jerk before...

the words in your blog left me totally paralysed, re-opening a deep wound, which pretends to be healed but apparently not...

I am not a man with too many words...

just a remorse soul...

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

LGSF: Thank you. Din really know I inspired you to write again, and if that's true, I am glad. You are a natural poet and I wish u can continue writing and sharing them with us on this blog.

This is a beautiful poem and spoke to me. Thanks...

BoredDad: Knowing that you are here for me is good enough. Thanks for the silent support.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

rainbow: Now that you know such actions can hurt, don't ever do it again.... hope my blog serves as a reminder to all to be mindful on how we can significantly affect one another..by the things we do and say.

LGSF said...

No thanks required dear.

You're getting back up on your feet is enough for me :)

Anonymous said...

think i'd rather remain anonymous :-) (am a single mum, that's my choice; with a pretty-sweet daughter).

As we go through life, we are often surprised at how we lie awake at night brooding over something that has upset us during the day, or how we nurse resentment against someone by letting the same thoughts run through our minds concerning how to have our own, back. We may be surprised to realise what a waste of time and energy it had all been.
Why should one allow others or troubles to drain away our energy and make us unhappy?

Personal encounters with people different from ourselves make us feel more sympathetic. Intolerance is often born of ignorance of another person's needs and way of thinking.
All of man's unhappiness results from selfish desires; they think only of themselves, want things only for themselves, and do not care about what happens to other people.

I do feel for u; cheerup!

mel said...

You be strong. I had my share of such experiences myself but I never had the kind of support you have now. You’ll come out stronger.

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. – Washington Irving
Washington Irving

Here’s what you gotta tonight…find a good book, get your favourite snack/ice cream/glass of red wine, play your favourite CD and don’t think about guys.

…CSI: Miami is on too…maybe if you r lucky, the vic is a guy?…just kidding…

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Anonymous: Thanks for sharing. All I can say is - some things are just not meant to be. It probably could have been, but it didn't. I just have to pick myself up and guard my heart so that it will be strong enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Mel: Yes. Thank you and the rest for the tremendous support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

NJS said...

Elvina, great to see so many interactions between you and your fans...

Internet indeed had knit people closer together than ever and this is proof.

Having to share your joys and sorrows.

Chinese got a saying, short-term pain over long-term pain. Sometimes, it’s inevitable to hurt another.

Sometimes it’s also that man's thinking and woman's thinking are different. Due to this there's always much misunderstandings.

Another school of thought: we learn our walk through our falling.

Thus, every fall makes us stronger and better in life. Hope that applies to you!

Richard said...

Like other posters, I have to say that it seems that it is you who are the one who has been hurt.

I believe I can infer what has happened, but … then again, I am not really one for reading well between the lines.

From your post, I see that you have a lot of questions and no answers (or maybe those are rhetorical questions and I am too blind to see it).

The one thing that causes the most grief between people is poor communication. Did you and he communicate directly? Or were you dropping hints? (From personal experience, I know I just don’t get hints – he may be the same – although, I doubt it).

Elvina wrote: “I do not want to be engaged in an emotional tug-of-war where I was being pulled in all directions, not knowing where the final destination was.”

Did you discuss the destination with him?

Elvina wrote: “I am very tired and emotionally worn out - so I need to stop whatever that is hurting me.”


I want very much for the reborn Elvina to come back. You have been a beautiful shining flower these past few weeks since you revamped your blog. The change in you was immediately noticeable and I sometimes wondered if it was the same person writing. The bitterness which was in the green Elvina was gone and little by little you started to reveal and bare the true beauty of your soul.

Elvina wrote: “Why does one have to hold on to such strong principles and ideals - that serve only to keep others at bay?”

They also serve to protect one from hurt … and, perhaps, inadvertently hurting those who are close. This question strikes close to home, because many (most?, all?) would describe me as unyielding and inflexible – committed to ideals and not to practical life.

Elvina wrote: “Why am I not convinced that I am worth fighting for?”

Personally, I will not fight for a woman. It is her choice to come to me freely – I will not coerce her. I will defend her though.

Elvina wrote: “Why is it that if something means a hell of a lot to you, that you can choose not to want it?”

Because the fear of pain can be greater than the desire of pleasure.

Elvina wrote: “Why does one have to wait till something's gone to realise how special it was?”

Good question. It seems to be human nature, we take for granted that which we have and only appreciate it when it is gone.

Elvina wrote: “Why is that some men always have the ability to make me feel that I am never going to be good enough for them to take that leap of faith?”

I don’t know. I can ask the same about myself, why is it that no women ever seemed interested in me as more than a friend? The vagaries of human interaction are difficult understand. We interpret actions and signs without really knowing if the interpretation is correct. We are afraid to ask directly because we fear to be rejected, so we secretly hope and wish in our heart.

Elvina wrote: “Why does it sometimes feel that we are so close, but yet so far apart?”

Yet another question that strikes close to home. I am definitely one who can strain to be a good friend, yet I temper that with a large degree of aloofness because I am afraid to promise more than I can offer.

I pray you will recover soon Elvina.

I wish for Elvina to return
The cheerful and happy Elvina,
The mischievous Elvina,
The playful Elvina.,
Who brightens peoples live with her smile,
Who touches them with her tender soul.

Take care.

(As usual, I offer my two cents worth. Perhaps I didn’t regale you with anecdotes from my past, but I have tried to offer my (alien) insight to some of your questions. As usual, I am not a typical model for any man anywhere in this world. But, please take care of yourself.)

“God is closest to those with broken hearts.” - Jewish Saying

priate said...

dun know what to say...
but heres a song for you...(one of my fav)

When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
(its the liverpool anthem...even when we were down 3 nil in the CL final at halftime, the fans refused to leave, instead they sang this song so loud that even the players in the locker rooms could hear them...at the end, it was a fairy tale finish in more ways den one, liverpool ended the night winning the final on penaties)

though this a different case, an relationship gone sour... i believe as long as we believe and move on better things are bound to come.
quote:(if its to be, it up to me)

hope with time, your thoughts will be straighten out and perhaps you'll see things in a different light.

im yet to have my first really horrible break up, but had a close brush with death and struggled to recover and accept my chronic problem and learnt to live with it with the rest of my life.
with time, my experiences have really changed my perspective in life and i realise it was in a way a blessing as it made me lead a much healthier life.

really enjoyed reading your blog so far.
sincerely believe for anyone with a great personality such as yours, you have many suitors waiting for you out there.

ps: maybe this incident might even inspire you to write a bestseller...erms maybe not... but just to put things in a different light. maybe this was inapproprate...

Richard said...

You left me like a broken doll
In pieces as I took the fall
for you, you dumb chump!
You left me free-falling like space junk
Burning up in the atmosphere of life

Well I sound like a philosopher
but I'm a fool who's off her rocker
'Cause I let you in my heart that one last time

I've had enough, made up my mind
I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever

Well look at you you're all puffed up
In that big red truck- but you're outta luck (this time)
Well, that's tough
'Cause I'm on fire- too hot to touch
with a chatroom full of lovers on the line
Gonna step right up. Spit shine my soul
I'm gonna be proud and loud and outta control!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever

I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see:
I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me
'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose
I was living my life in dead man's shoes

I've had enough. Made up my mind
I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
You're dead and gone
I'm gonna get my way
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
'Cause it's your last look
Your last look forever!!

I love myself today [x7]

Lyrics from one of my favourite songs (and Tania's - my daughter, who is 6 going on 26) - I've mentioned it before, it's Bif Naked's 'I Love Myself Today'. Although, women seem to prefer Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' - ick!

As always ... take care.

ethan said...

The pain will dull with time, the outcame is always so surprising when the decision is announced.

Take yr time to grieve. But dun grieve too long, listen to the wiser comments. Dun waste the future with remembrance of the past.

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination." - John Schaar

suspiciousbastard said...

It looks like you're the one being hurt. But I can't give you any advice or anything. Never been in that situation.

catsr03 said...

Thanks for sharing with us your inner most thoughts. As I said to you, reading this, one can feel the inner turnmoil you are going through. But I'm sure after penning this, you probably feel a lot better already. Take care cos there are definitely those of us who read your blog that care for you!

Bee said...

NJS said: "Sometimes it’s also that man's thinking and woman's thinking are different. Due to this there's always much misunderstandings."

Agree. Maybe it's good to read the book "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. I was told by someone who read that it's a very practical book for understanding relationship between men and women. I might not agree with everything the author says,but it does help women understand men a little more to avoid the pitfalls.

I guess the "cave man" part does explain why sometimes men withdraw from the women they loved... "Men need emotional space and distance." I might write my own review after I have read the whole book. :P


mel said: "I told u before, u r a very special person, don’t ever forget that. Maybe not to him but I’m sure to lots of other people. Is he really worth it? "

Elvina, you are specially made for the "right man". You might not have met him yet, don't fret.

So what more can I say?
I can only quietly pray
that God will guide your way,
that you won't be so dismayed
by a man who just won't stay,
and would thank God for today
that you're precious to Him in every way.

- Bee

Catherine *MeowMeow* said...


has been reading your blog recently.

It's never easy to let go of your loved one.

I believe Somewhere out there, the right one will be waiting for you to discover.

Be patient n just continue to believe in Luv. - This is what i been telling myself.

Fireborn aka the lonely saleman said...

Fate determines who comes into our lives. The heart determines who stays

Booker said...

I am not someone that can express myself with just words online very well. So if you need a bitching partner, I'm here for ya. Holla at me with emails.

And of course, I also need a bitching partner. heh.

the virgin undergrad said...

well i'm not too sure if i'm in any position to offer any advice regarding matters of the heart, but cheer up Lao Niang!! There's more to life than love erm i think.

Anyway, i might have just the right song to cheer u up. It's sung "恋爱症候群" sung by 黄舒骏. The lyrics are really cute. U can listen to the song from here (http://media.putfile.com/Huang-Shu-Jun---Lian-Ai-Zhen-Hou-Qun) Enjoy, and stop brooding over it k!









Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Suspicious Bastard
Virgin Undergrad

Thanks all to your well-wishes, songs, poems, and words of encouragement. Sorry I am too weak now to thank each of you personally. Gonna go rest.

Thanks again.

Richard said...

Hey! you forgot Bee!

Take care and rest.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

I must be awfully exhausted. Sorry Bee - and thanks for being here always.

Bee said...

it's ok, elvina... i understand.

richard, thanks for remembering me. :)

jerry said...

hey Elvina, got linked here by your comment on Rockson's blog. agree with you that he did seem to lose a tad bit of touch on his latest entry. maybe its due to the pressure of so many people reading his blog that his writing became 'forced'.. maybe.

ok, this is just the second entry that i read on your blog, and it happens to strike a very resonant chord in me. you see, what you described happened to me not long ago, but this time i was the guy in the story.

almost everything you mentioned, like not cherishing someone who was there for me for so long, or urging her to move on but upset that she did not wait longer, the nonchalance, the insecurity she must have felt; every one of those sentences in your entry was like a well-aimed, deserving slap on my face.

i have not read your earlier entries, and do not know the details of your relationship with the antagonist of your story. however i can tell you that for me, the reasons why i withheld myself all these while became painfully irrelevant after she heeded my advice and found another guy.

yes, initially i wished her my best, and assured her that we would still be close friends no matter what, and that i am okay. but the moment her lift door closed in my face that fateful day, the hard facts came crashing down on me. its over. she found someone else. she mattered to me so much more than i would let on, and my heart broke underneath my veneer of nonchalance.

at this point in time i don't think there is anyone reading this who does not think i deserve it for being a jerk.

but Elvina, pls dun stop reading.

i don't know your guy. don't really wish to know him either. but i believe that you two must have had something special going on that cannot be replaced. jerk he may be, but if he does show remorse and pleads repentance i really hope you would give him just one chance. (if he has blown it already then pls forget it.) take it that this one chance is for the sake of that special something you share.

i hope you do not find me presumptuous, for my prying so much into your private affairs to the extent of asking you to revisit your original long-standing source of hurt. i am just a guy who let something very beautiful slip right through my fingers hoping against hope to avert a similar tragedy, that's all.

honestly i'm not someone who is into reading about other ppl's blogs, and it is really by sheer coincidence that i landed here. (was looking at rockson's blog to cheer myself up. because of what, i let you figure out yourself.) it is because of the huge improbability that i would actually read about an entry so painfully close to my heart that i wanted to share all these with you. it might be fate. don't know if you are a believer though.

my two cents worth on your issue over and on a much different note, good job on your blog (read a few other entries in between writing this). very nice pictures and succient entries. easy and engaging yet not watered down nor simplicit. well done and keep it up :)

also, very very impressed with your consistant replying to ppl who leave comments on your blog, personnally i feel that its very sweet. think that it is what keeps ppl reading, apart from your interesting writings, of course.

alright im on the verge of overstaying my welcome here. shall bid you farewell, and wish you have a good day whichever day you are reading this.


Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Jerry: Hi...wow. what can I say. You were a stranger who dropped by, but you seemed like someone who have been here for a while.

I am sorry to hear about your loss - but somehow, I think it's inevitable. No matter how beautiful or sweet a relationship used to be, if a girl loses heart, that is probably quite the end of the story.

Cos a girl usually gives her heart out without much thought for herself. Even when a guy repeatedly tells her to move on, or act nonchalant, some part of her silly mind urges her to hold on. Nothing anyone say will change her mind.

But when it comes to a point where she is really tired, and decides to give up, nothing you say will make a difference at all.

What's needed to be said and done should have been done long ago. Not when the heart has turned cold.

I do thank you for your comments. At this point in time, I do want to be alone to think through what I really want.

All I knew when I gave up was I need my self-worth back. Having someone tell you that he will be happy for you if u found someone else, doesn't do much for a girl's pride or desirability.

Love is not everything. I may not end up with anyone in future. It may be one hell of a stupid thought, but it's still my choice.

Hope you will learn to cherish the next person that comes along...and not be that heck-care bf again.

Chin up dude and take care. You will know what to do after this painful lesson.