Do any of you believe in quarter-life crisis?
I think I am in one right now. A quarter-life crisis can happen any time from the age of 25 to 35. It is a point where you start to take stock of what you have done and achieved for the last 2 to 3 decades of your life.
It is also a point where I start to wonder - "Where will I be heading to next?"
You feel that you are at a crossroads. And you are equally unsure about the various paths that lie ahead of you.
What do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I hope to achieve? How can I be a happier person? What choices shall I make? Why do I need to make any decisions anyway? Which of the paths should I embark on?
Lots of questions. Plenty of doubts. Loads of uncertainties. And zero answers.
I like to think that I am a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and needs. But there are times like these, that I feel I am losing it.
I used to plan 5 years ahead. When I was in Secondary 1, I already knew that I wanted to go for Mass Communication studies in Ngee Ann Poly. I aimed to work in a media industry and nowhere else. I prepped myself for 4 years just to reach that goal. Sat for a written test with 600 over people. Was one of the 300 students shortlisted for the interview, and finally selected as one of the 120 people who eventually made it to this course. After I graduated, I spent 8 and half years in MTV.
Somehow I managed to meet all my goals. It was amazing.
I planned to get my degree since I graduated from Poly in 1996. I finally pursued that dream in 2003 and completed my course this year. Did pretty well too.
Again, I knew what I wanted and went all out for it. That's me. Blazing a warpath to my final destination the moment I am locked on to my target. I was unstoppable.
But I fear I am losing it.
I feel really lost nowadays. I like my work, but I am not feeling any sense of gratification like I used to. I have tons of friends who love me, but I feel lonely all the same. And as someone has aptly pointed out, I yearn for love, but yet I do not want to accept it when it comes around. I know there are better ways to earn more money so that I can clear my liabilities faster, but yet, I mope around, getting by each day with the measly token I get for the work I put in.
No motivation at all to do anything different. Why?
It's as if my mind has been reduced to a state of inertia. I have no more plans for the future. No more targets to reach for. No mood to start any relationships. No drive to work and excel. No reasons to enjoy whatever is going on in my life right now.
I might even start to feel that my existence is really quite meaningless. What am I here for? What can I do to make my life better? If it's not getting any better, what's the point of holding on? When can I let go? When can I stop this endless, pathetic state of mess that's raining down on me?
What has happened? I don't really know. I could only pin the blame on quarter-life crisis. I know not what I want. I know not where I am going. I don't even remember why I am here for.
Maybe there's a secret organization somewhere out there that's conspiring to erase me from the face of the earth.