I think I am in one right now. A quarter-life crisis can happen any time from the age of 25 to 35. It is a point where you start to take stock of what you have done and achieved for the last 2 to 3 decades of your life.
It is also a point where I start to wonder - "Where will I be heading to next?"
You feel that you are at a crossroads. And you are equally unsure about the various paths that lie ahead of you.
What do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I hope to achieve? How can I be a happier person? What choices shall I make? Why do I need to make any decisions anyway? Which of the paths should I embark on?
Lots of questions. Plenty of doubts. Loads of uncertainties. And zero answers.
I like to think that I am a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and needs. But there are times like these, that I feel I am losing it.
I used to plan 5 years ahead. When I was in Secondary 1, I already knew that I wanted to go for Mass Communication studies in Ngee Ann Poly. I aimed to work in a media industry and nowhere else. I prepped myself for 4 years just to reach that goal. Sat for a written test with 600 over people. Was one of the 300 students shortlisted for the interview, and finally selected as one of the 120 people who eventually made it to this course. After I graduated, I spent 8 and half years in MTV.
Somehow I managed to meet all my goals. It was amazing.
I planned to get my degree since I graduated from Poly in 1996. I finally pursued that dream in 2003 and completed my course this year. Did pretty well too.
Again, I knew what I wanted and went all out for it. That's me. Blazing a warpath to my final destination the moment I am locked on to my target. I was unstoppable.
But I fear I am losing it.
I feel really lost nowadays. I like my work, but I am not feeling any sense of gratification like I used to. I have tons of friends who love me, but I feel lonely all the same. And as someone has aptly pointed out, I yearn for love, but yet I do not want to accept it when it comes around. I know there are better ways to earn more money so that I can clear my liabilities faster, but yet, I mope around, getting by each day with the measly token I get for the work I put in.
No motivation at all to do anything different. Why?
It's as if my mind has been reduced to a state of inertia. I have no more plans for the future. No more targets to reach for. No mood to start any relationships. No drive to work and excel. No reasons to enjoy whatever is going on in my life right now.
I might even start to feel that my existence is really quite meaningless. What am I here for? What can I do to make my life better? If it's not getting any better, what's the point of holding on? When can I let go? When can I stop this endless, pathetic state of mess that's raining down on me?
What has happened? I don't really know. I could only pin the blame on quarter-life crisis. I know not what I want. I know not where I am going. I don't even remember why I am here for.
Maybe there's a secret organization somewhere out there that's conspiring to erase me from the face of the earth.
36 comments:
I am number 1 again! 1st to comment. haha! (Hmm, rockson doesnt seem to update his page anymore)
When a person has too much free time, she tends to think too much. When u were busy, I never hear you have any crisis. Now you have a bit of free time, you start wondering about life again. Sigh. Relax lah. Enjoy your hard-earned leisure time without getting philosophical.
Chinese say δΈεθη«。So I guess you still have some time (a few months?) to establish yourself :)
Funny thing is, I don't have much free time at all. I am really busy. Not sure if philosophical is the right word to describe me though.
I find common thoughts in ur blog. Maybe its really the age factor.I fall in the range of your defined "quarter-life crisis" but i have realised that to move on and out, you must find out what makes you happy or turns you on. Moving towards these goal, achievements or targets, you will find answers to what to do, where to head to and even open your heart to someone. It's very individual. Some find money to be the keys to their happiness.Others think that a high positioned career works for them. I hope you sort out the basic of what will make you happy and get some sense,direction of your next step. It's never easy since i have not gotten a answer for the basic question myself. Good Luck!
hmmm.. i do agree wif u sometimes. but the fact that u accomplished all those targets u set is oredi amazing. all those goals i have set out, most of them i didnt managed to achieve them.. n now i cant even complete my studies in time. sighz.
there's a saying "busy, busy doing nothing. hurry, hurry going nowhere", dunno whether it applies to u or not..as u say u r in fact very busy, yet u dun get the sense of achievement doing those things...
so.. just haf to find some form of motivation somewhere to spur u on~ take up some new things to do if u find wat u r doing now is too monotoneous?
I guess you are very much in the process to seek your destiny and in the progress of achieving that.
Nothing wrong of feeling lost at this juncture, really. All, every human being on this earth ever and will live will go through this stage, much alike the teenagers learning to find a identity for themselves.
You, or any one approaching your age, are in the process of moving on the next phase of life, the big three zero.
Many may not take it seriously but many like yourself will find that it's actually bring you to the new level of maturity and living life with more meanings. The problem is identify these meaning after the big three zero.
Honestly, as much as I wish to offer some help, but the best person to help you is really, none other than yourself, cause only you and you alone will be able to identify your destiny. No one else can set your path except you.
The most important thing is never stay at this stage, moving on and get out of it is pretty crucial, don't ever give up on yourself, the moment you give up on yourself, it's the day everything truly become meaningless.
Here I am again, cheering you on. Move on and get out of this stage, you can do it, just like many other who had already past the stage of big three zero.
Anonymous: Yes - I am still searching for the answer..and before that happens, I probably will be immobilized in this stage for a while.
PG: Yes! "busy, busy doing nothing. hurry, hurry going nowhere" - is exactly how I am feeling right now. I guess sometimes in life, one gets lost - and it may take some time to work out the direction. I donno how much time I'd take, but I sure hope it would be soon!
Bored Dad: Thanks for the encouragement as always. You are right. It's really up to me - because only I can get myself out of this shit hole. Just need some time I guess..
Interestingly, quite a number of my friends felt the same way when they got into their later 20s (despite being exactly where they had planned and, in my opinion, being very successful).
On the other hand, as is so typical of me, I did not understand where they were coming from. For me, life has always been a great adventure (even if my wife says I lead a boring life. ha ha).
I encountered this stagnant mire when I hit 37 (for sure, but the seeds may have germinated when I was 36).
I didn't understand what was going on: midlife crisis? delayed onset of teenage angst?
The conventional wisdom is to make plans and execute them. Reflect on your accomplishments. Easier said than done.
Try doing some of the things on your wishin' and hopin' list.
The sense of paralysis is overwhelming. I felt like running away or doing some drastic change (ha ha very hard to do responsibly when you have a wife and two kids a mortgage - now two mortgages). It is one of the reasons Sofia took a job in Montreal, because I was so miserable at mine.
You will get over it. At some point the lethrgy will lift - like the sun burning off an early morning fog (do you get fog in Singapore?). Even if purpose does not immediately return at least feeling good will.
As I've said before, I cannot make any guarantee that I will be sticking around your blog forever, but, so long as I am here, I will be always willing to offer my encouragement and lend and ear for you.
I think the reason I felt the way I did was because I came to the realization that life is unfair. For some it takes longer than others. Basically, all the little unfair things in life just pile up and one day they break you and you think, "Why bother?"
Even my early attempts at blogging were pretty anemic, but I intermittantly persisted and around August or so of this year I seemed to find a voice of sorts. As well, I discovered a number of new and interesting blogs with wonderful people behind, who are kind enough to visit me and share their thoughts with me.
One of your shining qualities is that you are not angry. Anger and bitterness is not reflected in your writing - which is nice. Far too many people become disillusioned and instead of a beautiful garden in their souls, they cultivate toxic and deadly plants.
Changing your life, your routine, your habits may help. I know that the best period in my life was when I went to university because I changed my life quite drastically. I did things that I never did before. I hung out with people I would not normally have hung out with. I took acting lessons. I hobnobbed with international students. I avoided more technical aspects of m life. I didn't hang out with people who liked sci-fi or role playing or tactical gaming. I took different roles in my church (teaching and visiting shut-ins and the infirmed).
I did not change who I was, but I did change the environment around me.
I also understand feeling lonely (ha ha yet another wrong thing for a married guy to say). Fortunately, I no longer do, but I still feel alone - I always have. I feel that unless I am proactive in my friendships, I am forgotten. But then again ... I reach out to a friend and they thank me for remembering them - that makes me feel better. There are more than 6 billion people on this planet and I think most of us feel lonely. Does that make sense?
There are many who come here and seem to like you. Rejoice in that. Let this knowledge sustain you when you think you have no strength to sustain yourself.
You have read my Abyss' Edge, so you have some idea where I have been. You may also have read my I will not Conform post, so it gives you ome idea of my approach to life.
Actually I don't really know where I'm going either. The only thing to do is set short term goals and try to meet them. Maybe they'll lead me to somewhere. If I set a long term one, I might get disappointed. But you're lucky enough. You have managed to get what you want so far.
seems like you had your life planned out thus far..and have been successful in achieving all your goals.
mental burnout has caused you to slow down your pace of life, and now the drudgery/monotony of daily life has gotten to you .. wake, eat, work, sleep...
maybe all you need is just a long travel to relax, or maybe a longer kelong trip..
Quarter life crisis...
Ha ha, I like that!
Show that one is confident to live over one hundred years old!
Its true that during this period of time, people make drastic decisions in life to get out of the routine...
Well, change for better, change for good... Our perspective changes as the season’s changes.
I cannot offer any great advise on how to live a good life... Not qualified in that aspect. Just remember to stay happy- its a personal choice whatever the circumstances!
I guess what I want to say you may not want to hear. But nevertheless I wish to say it again b'cos I do care... I do feel sad for u when u feel despondence and lost... for I see the me in u before.
What I want to say is.... *sigh* I won't say it here. :(
I shall pray for u anyway.
Richard: My friend - thanks for being so open about sharing your thoughts with me through my blog as always.
I can't do many things on my wishing and hopin' list cos some of them needed resources that I cannot afford now - time, money etc.
You are right that the sense of paralysis is overwhelming. I would sit in my room for hours, wondering why I am here.
We don't quite get fogs here, but we do have haze and mist haha..But I get what you mean. And yes, I am not angry nor bitter. I always believe it takes a lot to love, and even more effort to stay angry and bitter. I am lazy, so I'd choose the easy way out.
Bitterness would only eat you up inside, and I rather be happy than succumbed to depression.
And yes, I do cherish the people who visits my blog, reads it and encourages me - even if they don't even know me. It is indeed heart-warming.
I know not what will happened, but as long as I am breathing, I will try to get out of this spiralling black hole. Meanwhile, just be patient with me, and stay by me if u can.
Suspicious: Short or long term, as long as you try to reach for them, you won't be disappointed even if you don get them. Because you'd know you have done your best. I have many other dreams unfulfilled, but I will not give up. At least not yet.
Chris t: Wow you seem to know me quite well. You are right. I think it's really mental burnout. Emotional burnout. Physical burn out too. Maybe that's why I am feeling like this. Will be going for another kelong trip next weekend. Hope I will come back more rejuvenated!
NJS: If only I know what will make me happy. I am still searchin for the answer.
John: The worrying thing is - I don't even have any passions that I wan to even pursue. If only I know, I can then make some changes in my life like you did.
Bee: Hey babe. You seemed upset. Hope my blog's not making u too sad. Cheer up k? You can say anything you want...really. Don't worry about it.
Jade: Thanks for the support and encouragement. Deeply appreciated.
No worries..my friend!
With the kind of support you gather here and the power from above will carry you thru this “quarter life crisis thingy.
Your only worry now is what to get each of your loyal supporters (including me) a decent X'mas present.And Yes..you can start to think abt it now.
:P
Hey,
I guess you might be going thru some really rough patches lately...
Your passion about chilling out at the kelong is astounding but some pple just do not understand and pointed their fingers at you.
I feel really very sorry for you when I read the forum where you have shown your passion.
I guess you really need a break, a long break. A good vacation away from what you are going thru now.
Take care.
My my, you do have a near fanatical following, don't you? 2 hours ago there were but 4 comments. And when I came back again, voila! 14 more!
First of all, one has to say that you do have a talent for illustrations. One wouldn't be surprised if you have a comic strip hidden somewhere. And second, thank you for the little link to the right. I shall return the favour soon under the coven of writers. And third, The Starlite Cafe is an interesting notion. Much like the Day is to the Night, whereas the Night is Dark Whispers in this case.
One must say that your first few poems were really emotive. Paradox is simply lovely as it plays out the before and after, the juxtaposition of both. My Secret Sanctuary evokes the image of one's harbour, where one is safe from all the worldly worries and nothing can harm you. Soothing in a way, feels like New Age music is playing all over me. Coincidentally, do you visit Deviantart? Some of the illustrations in your Xanga have the same bohemian feel as them.
But one digresses. Onto the subject at hand, the lack of motivation you say. One can truly empathize with you. I have been in that state for so long, that light was all but foreign to me at some point in time. Exacerbated by darkness, hopelessness and pain, I was a boat without a sail.
Aimlessly floating in the oceans, covered by the satin darkness of Night.
Until I chose a direction I want to move in. To seek a safe harbour. Though I am not out of it, the concept of Light is no longer meaningless anymore.
Perhaps for you, you have achieved your goals. Except the material ones. And since there are obstacles to them for now, you have become 'motivationless' so as to speak. Nothing pushes you anymore. Therefore, what I can suggest is that find something that 'stretches' you. Your life may have become too mundane for you to enjoy anything.
Work. Clock Work.
Turn that clock around and break out of the box you have put yourself into without realising.
I do realise that I am getting all preachy and whatnots, but 5am in the morning and not a minute of sleep does weird things to the celebral organ. So pardon me.
And when all else fails, like what you say, there is always poetry.
The voicebox.
Of those without voices.
I just live each day waiting for those tiny moments worth remembering. For each person, the moments are different. But they are always unexpected.
heh.. practising my people reading skills.. accuracy subject to the person being read..
i think i may have reached about the same stage..
i dont know what i have accomplished over the last 26 yrs.. and i sure as hell dont know what i will be doing for the next 50 yrs..
We are all here for a purpose given by our Creator.
Elvina said: "Hey babe. You seemed upset. Hope my blog's not making u too sad. Cheer up k? You can say anything you want...really. Don't worry about it."
No, I am not "upset", but I am sad indeed. For when I see my friend being sad, I feel sad too. If you read my "35 FAQ About Bee" you will know why.
Jesus is carrying me through my down period... so will He do it for you too, if you just ask Him. I am getting stronger each day now... hope you are too. :)
Take care.
Jade: Thanks for the lovely comment. Glad to know that I will always have someone there supporting and encouraging me. It helps a lot.
Fireborn: You wait long long.... haha
Edward: Hey dude. Thanks for the encouragement. I am fine. I am someone who will always rise above adversities. Don't worry about me. :)
Aristocrat: Wow, that's a long comment. For the illustrations, I took most of them from DeviantArt - how perceptive of you to know that! I like drawing myself, but it's never been a strength. I copy better than I can create.
Thanks for taking the time to read my poems too. I must say your poems are extremely well written too. They are of another level totally. Make me ponder a lot after reading them. However some of your works are pretty dark - would be great to read some happy pieces from you. :)
Thanks for the encouragement. Your words are so philosophical I've got completely lost in it! Haha...but I must say you do have a exquisite flair for words. I am truly humbled.
Kok Seng: Not sure what kind of moments will stir my heart anymore. I haven't had that lovely feeling for a long time.
Chris t: Welcome to the Quarter Life Crisis Club!
Runaway: Haha..that's really an insightful comment. Somehow - my life seemed more depressing and bleaker now after reading it. All I have to do right now is prepare my body for the downhill ride.
Michael: Yes indeed. But He has yet to reveal His purpose to me. And I have been waiting for an awfully long time.
Bee: I am sorry to hear that. If you need to share, just drop me an email. Not sure what has affected you so badly, but I will be here if you want to share. God bless.
With reference to your comment in my blog, it's all true but "the names have been changed to protect the innocent"...
:-)
I miss that Alfa even though now I have something much much better. But that's the way it's always going to be, right? The older we get, the more we wish things could be simpler...
Take care and don't despair...
There may be a state of mess, you may be in a low-carb state of mind now. Crisis of faith in yourself???
"When the road to your destination appears to be long and dusty, is your destination’s value so diminished???"
Yes, you were in control all the while, but the world is a messed-up place. Some nasty things turned up not the way you like it to be and it’s beyond your control. Just dun get all freak out here. You need to chill alright… you are or will still be in control. And looking at the rate you are going, hmmm..you should be taking over the world in the near future. Remember, I’m on your side ok. Hahaha…
Hey, quit worrying and quit staring at Mr Rock!?! He’s just sitting there minding his own business ok - "kua simi kua?? see what see??" :P
Life is like a hedge maze, concentrate on your goals, not rocks and grapevines or you could just lose yourself along the way.
Don't worry about it Elvina. Your current state of mind is, if nothing else, commonplace for many people as well.
It's a time of consolidation. Of reflection. A stock-take, if you will. It's actually healthy to do this (in moderation). Seeing that this appears to be the first time you're experiencing this, don't fret too much over it.
So you were walking down this path, which ends suddenly, by a river bank. There's no bridge in sight. You can't quite make out the opposite shore and you wonder if the path continues on over there.
Should you:
a) Swim across the river, hope for the path to continue?
b) Turn to the right, climb over the boulders there, and hope for a new path?
c) Turn to the left, bash through the tall grass growing, and hope for a new path?
d) Turn back and find an alternative crossroad?
e) Sit there and tell yourself - My road ends here, I don't wanna move forward anymore?
For sure, it's a daunting situation, to not know how one should move forward. Ask yourself this - Are you satisfied with your current state of affairs/lifestyle?
If Yes, then let all else remain status quo and live life as is.
If No, then forward you must go (regardless if you know not the path you choose is right or wrong - they still move you forward, which is most important).
Perhaps these plans could entice you to prime that engine up again:
5 yrs: Plan/Save to buy your own flat/house.
10-20 yrs: Retire.
All else that comes along in between, comes along. The academic quest is over, I guess. The social/lifestyle quest is oftentimes a much more challenging and harder hill to climb. The question is: How high a hill do you wish to climb?
Take some time to sort out what you want in life. Don't rush into it. But don't take too long either. (A rock at rest, tends to stay at rest)
My parting advice:
- There comes a time, when you need to start living life for yourself. The only question is: when? -
(I'm sure you know what I mean)
Kok Seng: I see...then you are really a die hard romantic. Guys like you are almost extinct! Thanks for the encouragement. :)
Jesse: Haha. You are funny. I love staring at the rock at this point in time, probably it helps as a purging process to work out what I want. Taking over the world sounds like a lofty ambition but it just might work. Maybe that will give me some direction....
LGSF: Wow another long comment. Thanks for your concern. Though I have no answers like I said before - for all your questions. I may not be satisfied with my current lifestyle and feelings, but there's nothing I can do. I don't feel like moving forward either.
How high a hill do I wanna climb? Donno.
When do I want to start living a life for myself? Donno.
No answers. It's time to stare at the freaking rock again.
Catherine: Yes - I am sure you understand how I feel. Helpless is the word. I am blessed though with many people who sincerely care for me. What can I say? The amount of warmth and love pouring out from each and every reader of my blog is immense.
This kind of no-holds-barred support from all of you serves as my precious oxygen for now. And that's all I need to help me quit the membership. It may take some time, but as long as you guys are here, I will be fine. At least, I will still be breathing.
Lol...you certainly have a flair for attracting long comments.
Well, I already told you I was replying at 5am. Bound to be some nonsensical stuff haa. And my poetry has mostly been dark. There are a few happy ones, mostly prose. Like King and Queen. To me, unhappiness is more constant than happiness. Perhaps that is why I relate easier to it.
This motivationless period is only temporary, till you've find your 'motivation', do take care. :)
I do get that lost feeling. In fact, I'm getting that feeling right now. I have all my friends with me, I have family that I love, but when I sit down infront of my com, I feel lonely and empty.
I just turned 20 yesterday. But somehow, I felt damn lost. My grand dad is unable to eat and kept lying on the bed, one of my friend misunderstood me last week, my primary school friend got stabbed to death in New York last friday, WWE wrestler, Eddie Guerrero, my inspiration to help me beat my personal demons in life, passed away last monday, I spend 3 days at WCG as a press, every day is a tired day for me.
Lousiest birthday ever.
Aristocrat: I think people do have a lot of things to say and I welcome long posts anytime. It makes me feel special too that my readers actually took time to write all that stuff to encourage me.
Booker: I am so sorry to hear that. I hope the days will be better for you. If you do need to rant, you can always email me. So sorry to hear about your granddad and your friend. I know this may be inappropriate, but I still wanna wish u a happy belated birthday. Take care dude.
i will survive.. i will survive....
have to survive.. long way more to go ..
Frankly speaking, I dun think there is anything wrong with you. Its just that somehow, you are now stepping back and reflecting on all your priorities.
Just that you do not know why you are unsure? And what to do about it.
Think on the bright side. This is a time of change. A time of adjustment. For a better future.
But only if you are able to find your bearing in life. Once your compass is working, you will walk a long way. The right way.
Dun stop walking and give up on yourself. When you are in the Valley of the Shadows of Death, keep on walking.
You'll make it. Soon.
Chris: Haha. I love that song. Used to sing it to myself whenever I broke up with a guy.
Kurakat:Yes you are right. Thanks for the encouragememt. I guess I just have to wait for the compass to be fixed. :D
Hey babe.. i realise i always relate v well to ur posts.. thou i'm not tat near to midlife crisis, e responsibility i have to shoulder at home and at work is almost equal to a 30 yr old. like u, i yearn for love but aren't ready for it. tiring is indeed an understatement..
but at e end of e day, with positivity and support, i'm sure u'll pull through this sticky phrase of ur life and emerge tougher n still beautiful. cheers!!
Thanks Claudie babe. Glad that you can relate to my ramblings.
For the encouragement you have given me, I would say the same for you too! I know you are going through a tough patch, but don't lose heart ya?
The sun will still rise tomorrow, no matter what shit we are swimming in.
Elvina commented: “I can't do many things on my wishing and hopin' list cos some of them needed resources that I cannot afford now - time, money etc.”
I think you can manage a number of the items on your wish list without over exerting yourself. What kind of library do you want? My wife wants me to get rid of most of my books – but I can’t because I am a blbliophile.
Elvina commented: “You are right that the sense of paralysis is overwhelming. I would sit in my room for hours, wondering why I am here.”
A terrible feeling isn’t it. Without even the energy or motivation to go outside for a walk. I once blogged: Apathy, Listlessness and Procrastination - An Explosive Combination. I’ll save you the bother of looking it up. The body said: “Well … not really.”
Elvina commented: “I know not what will happened, but as long as I am breathing, I will try to get out of this spiralling black hole. Meanwhile, just be patient with me, and stay by me if u can.”
I’m sure you will get out of it … one day. I have a great deal of patience.
"At some point or another in our lives, most of us hit a threshold. After a while of going to sleep at night, waking up in the morning, going to work, coming home, and going to sleep at night again, a question hits us.
Is this it?
Is this all that life is? Is life this tiresome routine that we repeat over and over again? Is life just about eating and drinking and sleeping and waking and dying? If that’s the case, what’s the point of it all, really?......"
This article looks at some answers here:
http://www.tjc.org/catLanding.aspx?tab=find&catno=find05
Good luck!
I believe I have found my remedy for my own 1/4-life crisis in photography. Perhaps you need a new hobby and not hubby :). Hobbies give us something to look forward to, something to spend the money on, something that makes us happy...it works (for me at least).
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