I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Goin' Away

I may not be blogging over the weekend....cos I'm goin' away for a while. Need to be alone to do some reading, resting and recharging.

Needed to be away from Singapore so that I can have some breathing space and time alone.

No need to socialise. No need to talk. No need to explain or justify.

Just spending quality time with moi, myself and I.

You guys have a good weekend ya? Enjoy the upcoming holidays.

----- * -----

E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."

Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Answers to Elvinalogy

Previously, I asked: Which of these words will you use to describe me?
Check the analysis below for what each choice represents......

1. Moon - The one you miss

2. Sky - The one you want to share your problem with

3. Sand - The one you won't care

4. Snow - The one you love most

5. Road - Best Friend

6. Water - The one you hate

7. Fire - Dream Lover

Disclaimer: There's absolutely no proven theories on the accuracy of the above analysis. Please take everything on this blog - with a pinch of salt. Add pepper for taste - if you like.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Elvinalogy - A Study of LaoNianG

Let's play an interesting game today. (Took this idea off someone's blog - AGAIN! Yup, I am absolutely shameless and thick-skinned.)

Cut and paste the paragraph below - and fill in the blanks with the appropriate adjectives/ nouns /verbs/phrases. You can be brutally honest about this - I promise you would not be silenced after this exercise. :)

In case you are wondering, this is NOT a narcissistic attempt to fish for compliments. Negative comments will not be censored. The objective of this word game is to see how creative you guys are, and what you REALLY think of me.

Can be quite amusing to see what you come up with. Here goes....

I ___(1)____ Elvina. Elvina is ____(2)____. Elvina thinks a lot about ____(3)____.

When I think of ____(4)____, I think of Elvina. If I were alone in a room with Elvina, I

would ____(5)____. I think Elvina should ____(6)____. Elvina needs ____(7)____.

I want to ___(8)_____ Elvina. If I could describe Elvina in a word: ___(9)_____.

Tag me your answers in the comment box - and blow me away with your imagination and honesty! Haha..

Vivienne send me another one of those illogical personality test thingy last night - thought I would post it up here for you guys to attempt because they are so brainlessly fun. Check this out:

Which of these words will you use to describe me?

1. Moon
2. Sky
3. Sand
4. Snow
5. Road
6. Water
7. Fire

Tag your responses in the same comment box! The answers will be revealed in the next blog....watch this space.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Rockathon Festival

I came across spinee's post recently, where she blogged about her thoughts on her own funeral - What would she look like? Who would be there? What would she be wearing?

I thought that was a morbid but somehow - an extremely interesting topic. Got me wondering about my own funeral.

I have always believed that my funeral should be a super mega celebration. I am going home to be with the Lord - that's an occasion to rejoice, not mourn! I would hate to see my friends and loved ones turning up in dreary black, grey and white garb, dragging their long face all over the floor.

Nope. That absolutely wouldn't do.

I have decided that my funeral would be one big Rockathon Festival! It will be held in a garden strewn with lilies, lavender and baby breaths.

There will be a little stage for the big local bands that play at Wala Wala and Balaclava. Everyone's supposed to head bang to the hits of Linkin' Park, Bon Jovi, Guns 'N' Roses and Hoobastank. Hell, I wouldn't even mind you guys grooving to Backstreet Boys', I Want It That Way. In fact, that will be the soundtrack for my funeral! Haha...

I will get my ex-colleagues from MTV to film the entire event, and make a mini-show about it. All attendees will be interviewed - and they will all be scripted to say nice things about me! These vox pox will be inter-weaved with the band performances, montage of people dancing, and any other performances, if any. Yen will be the executive producer of this half-hour special.

I may even request for a Jazz band to wrap up the night. Thought it would be kinda romantic to listen to the jazz crooner's rendition of La Vie En Rose, don't you think? That's when there will be free flow of champagne sponsored by Moet and Chandoen. I may even throw in Heineken beer for good measure.

Food will be buffet style, Thai and Cosmopolitan cuisine. Even as I lay dead, I still want my spicy food.

I shall implement a dress code - Sexy Chic. Don't want anyone to disgrace me by turning up in funeral palettes. No black. No grey. No whites. Those who flout the dress code will be turned away nicely by my utterly gorgeous Morque Bouncers - specially handpicked by moi.

Come on, die also must die in STYLE ok? I will insist to be dressed in my ultra sexy top with that plunging neckline - with makeup by Lancome and hair by Vidal Sasson. Oh - do throw in my Spongebob Squarepants soft toy too. A sensual person like me need something to hug remember?

I have a good mind to roll out a marketing campaign for this gala event, being the marketing guru that I am. :)

Will get someone to set up a microsite so that everyone can log in to view how my make up and hair will be done so that I would look good for D-day. The URL will be www.prettydead.com. Pretty when dead. Cool huh?

And of course, by then I will be pretty dead too as well.

Undoubtedly, the main content for the microsite will be everything about me, myself and I. This entire blog will be probably be archived there as well - sort of like an Anne Frank's diary, you know?

Guests can leave their well-wishes (not condolences) in the e-guestbook and download photos of me - taken while I was still young and hot. Friends can also upload their photos, artwork, poems and create e-cards. There will even be mp3s hosted online for friends to dedicate my favourite songs to me, as well as an interactive forum for people to discuss or bitch about how they feel about me.

All my closest friends, business associates, colleagues and loved ones will be invited to the funeral via SMS (I am geek what - what to do?). Show the SMS at the Morque to get a free goodie bag - which probably includes my photo with my signature - plus all the MTV merchandise that I could not bring along with me on my journey to heaven.

RSVPs will be channelled through the website - cos obviously I will not be there to pick up calls.

I was thinking if one of my MTV VJ friends can host my Rockathon Festival. Maybe if Donita Rose or Utt is still around, I can engage them for this event. I am sure they will not mind.

Since it's Rockathon Festival, it would be an all-night affair. People can arrive and leave at any time, and there will still be music and performances to entertain everyone. Maybe Eisen can perform some magic tricks there too. By then he would be Singapore's very own David Copperfield.

At the end of the party, there shall be a quiet ceremony where all the guests would sing my favourite Christian song - "Above All". If you do not know the song, you will be able to download the mp3 and lyrics from that same microsite. So do memorize it before you come for the festival.

Finally, we will wind up the party with a splendid group photo - to commemorate the number of people that remembers me and bothers to attend my funeral.

And henceafter, I will be laid to rest forever (actually I will be gallivanting in heaven).

Thank you all for attending my funeral.


I Am Genghis Khunt

Took this super funny test and found out that I am Genghis Khunt - Random Brutal Sex Master. Haha. Quite hilarious. Check out my personality analysis below.

Genghis Khunt
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMf)
We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture:

But we figured you wouldn't understand, and rightly so. We don't understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain--riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You've already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Your exact opposite:
The Sonnet

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer

Personality-wise, you're carefree and relatively easy-going. You don't plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the 'brutal' tag we've given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.

AVOID: The Slow Dancer
CONSIDER: The 5-Night Stand, The Hornivore, The Playboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test
My profile name: berrynice

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Counting My Blessings

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always pessimistic. There are many points in my life where I would stop and take stock of my blessings, and take pleasure in counting them.

Sometimes I feel extremely blessed, akin to an overflowing cup of sweet water. I hear music in the rain, and feel the caress of the wind. The trees seem much greener, and the clouds look like white, fluffy candy floss.

I woke up today and counted my first blessing. Thank God I am stil breathing. :)

I sat up - and realised I have a very comfy bed indeed. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I would go shopping for bed linens. I simply adore my bed. It's something that all of us have, but many of us always take it for granted, don't we? How I wish I can just snuggle under my covers and not go to work. Having a bed to sleep in is undoubtedly, a wonderful blessing.

I went to work and my colleagues came up to me, wanting to know if I am feeling better - cos I have been sick for two whole weeks. That's a blessing - knowing that someone cares.

Checked my email and am pleasantly surprised to recieve a e-card from a friend in New York, who's feeling concerned after reading my Oct 23 blog. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is thinking of me even when he is 12 hours away.

Met up a very good friend over the weekend - and learnt that she is into beading. She gave me a pair of lovely earrings that she made herself. That's a blessing - knowing that I am someone really special to her.

A blogger friend bought me dinner last night. His generosity even extended to a karaoke session - where we sang our hearts out till 3am. That's a blessing - because I have been looking for a KTV kaki for the longest time - and he appeared.

Another blogger friend has been giving me lots of dinner and movie treats. Owe him tons. He's a blessing too - because he gives so much but expects nothing in return.

Yet another blog reader emails me daily with words of encouragement, bringing hope to my otherwise dreary day with anecdotes of his life and great book recommendations. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is always rooting silently for me - somewhere in the background.

As I was typing this entry, I thought about the people who will be reading this. And yes, you guys are also a blessing - because no matter what happens, you check in faithfully everyday to read my senseless ramblings. Day after day. Blog after blog. You even care enough to leave your comments - sharing with me the thoughts that are going through your mind.

Sometimes I wonder why - but then I remember I should always count my blessings, instead of questioning them.

And then I feel very blessed.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Secret Desire

I have always been a very sensual girl.

This literally translates into the fact that I love being cuddled and hugged. I absolutely love kisses. I love to be near someone and hold him. I love putting my head on a guy's shoulders or my arm around his. I love to be held at the little nook of my waist. I love the feeling of resting on someone's chest.

There is only one problem. You can't really do that when you are single.

If I start to be "touchy feely" with the guys I date, they would either think I am super horny, or that I am falling in love with them.

That - is quite frustrating.

I am sensuous, and I love the sense of touch. I like to ruffle a guy's hair if I think he is cute. I like to touch his arm if I think he is sweet. I like the feel of an arm around me if I feel cold in the cinema. And I love it when someone whispers a joke to me in the ear.

My senses go on high alert whenever that happens. And it gives me a warm, tingling feeling right down to my toes.

But it seems that I could not do that without giving out the wrong signals. And for a sensual girl like me, holding back the "urge" to touch feels like I'm trying to kick a serious drug addiction. The withdrawal symptoms from not being able to express myself through touch and hold are eating me up inside. The word "falling in love" instantly almost becomes a dirty word, and just gives me so much undue pressure that I no longer find pleasure in the "touch".

Sometimes, my friends would tell me that the best solution would to be to get a boyfriend, so that I can do whatever I want without feeling any pang of guilt.

I rather believe that a boyfriend is not THE solution, but a legitimate channel for me to indulge fully in my sensuality. If only men, women and the holier-than-thou society would stop placing so much significance on the act of touching, holding, cuddling, snuggling and kissing, then I might not have so much reservations on expressing myself.

But it's not that simple of course. Any form of physical intimacy with anyone - would inevitably stir up some whirlpool of hidden emotions - whether I like it or not. Even a simple touch can spark off romantic voltages that would short-circuit an entire city. Humans are way too vulnerable because feelings are unstoppable, uncontrollable, and easily manipulated.

I do not want to go there.

Being sensuous and being ready for a relationship are totally two different issues. I may be very in touch with my sensuality, but I could not see myself loving anyone at this point in time.

Herein lies my agonizing dilemma.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Turning Point

Remember in my "Octobabies" post, I mentioned that October 23 is a very significant day for me?

It was the saddest day of my life.

It was the day my dad passed away.

That was 17 years ago. I remembered the night before, I was by his bed watching him. Just like I had every night for the last 2-3 months since his condition worsened.

That night, I had severe gastric pangs. I had to be wheeled from his room to the observation ward. Lying in the dark cold room, I could not help sobbing - into the pillow so that the nurses would not hear.

I thought about my dad, painfully hooked up to all the machines, and how much he meant to me. I thought about my mom, how frail she had become ever since my dad succumbed to nose cancer. I thought about our finances, how we were almost depleted due to the numerous radio therapies my dad had to go through. I thought about myself, and how I would be losing someone I loved so much.

The gastric pains intensified.

Two hours later, the doctor came in to check on me. He pressed my abdomen, and asked if I felt any pain.

I could not speak. The pain was excruciating. But I knew my mom would collapse if another member of the family were to be hospitalized. I knew very well - we could not afford the expenses. And I knew the only place I wanted to be right then, was next to my dad.

I told the doctor I was feeling fine.

I was wheeled back to my dad's room, where my mom was waiting anxiously for my return. I told her the same lie and asked her to rest while I kept watch for the rest of the night.

I cried in the toilet when the pain got too unbearable.

The next morning, my mom decided we should all go home to wash up and come back to the hospital later in the afternoon. It was October 23, 1988.

The minute we stepped through the door into our home, the phone rang. My heart stopped momentarily, fearing the worst. My mom reached for the phone. I saw her choking, and tears began to stream down her cheeks.

She put the phone down, turned to us and said heartbrokenly, "Your father's gone."

I was in a daze pretty much after that. Death was something so unfamiliar - and I was only 12. I could not comprehend what it meant. I thought he must have gone off to some place, for a long time perhaps, but he would return one day. My mind refused to accept that he was no longer alive.

He would definitely return for me. How could he not? He loved me so much.

I was crying and laughing during the funeral, not knowing exactly how to feel. I wanted to be strong, but I was hurting like hell inside. I could tell no one, because they were either all too busy with their own grief, or running about with the funeral arrangements.

No one bothered to find out if I was ok.

The day of the creamtion, I screamed when he was pushed into the furnance. I bawled, cried, sobbed and banged on the glass windows of the viewing gallery. I called out to him till my throat went hoarse, and the pain that was running through my brain and heart was extreme. I was dying inside as the flames began to consume the coffin. I was dying with him.

But no one knew.

His death was the turning point of my life. My insomnia stemmed from the days I laid awake, anticipating his return. I cried myself to sleep every single night for three years, believing he would be back. I could not believe he would leave us alone to fend for ourselves. He was the greatest dad anyone could have. Why would Death take such a good man?


My mom stopped cooking because she claimed that she had enough of that when she was taking care of my dad. She was sick and tired, and too depressed to cook again. I began to stock up on packs of instant noodles with the money I earned as a sales assistant in Yaohan, and had that for all meals for three whole years.

I had no choice but to grow up faster than any kid. I had to be stronger than any adult. Because no one cared. Not even my relatives. Everyone was afraid we would become a burden and they disappeared right after my dad's funeral.

We were really all alone.

I was completely alone. To grief. To heal. To feed myself. To see myself through school. To earn my own pocket money.

Nothing was ever the same for me after that. I learnt what depression was. I learnt what it meant to feel hopeless and suicidal. I learnt about insomnia. I learnt about the meaning of kinship. I learnt about heartlessness of people. I learnt about total abandoment. I learnt about solitude and loneliness. I learnt to make my own money. I learnt about hunger. I learnt to gain independence and strength.

I have also discovered that a part of me has died with my dad on Oct 23.

And only two persons knew this secret - the Lord and I.

War of the Worlds

War is an all-pervasive phenomenon of the universe. The Oxford Dictionary expands the definition to include "any active hostility or struggle between living beings; a conflict between opposing forces or principles."

I moved my blog from the previous address because someone started a war of words once, which snowballed into something really ugly. The heated exchange online not only became personal, but simply ridiculous.

I for one, am a strong advocator of peace. I can accept differing views on what people think about me and my musings, but I would not condone comments targeted at specific readers of my blog. Settle it elsewhere if you must, but stay away from engaging in a public online sliming festival that makes everyone look stupid or bad.

That means anonymous comments - targeting at anyone else but myself - will not see the light of day here. This is not only to maintain peace within Hotel Solace,
but also my sanity. :)

Speaking about war, I was recently inspired to pen a poem on it. All my poems are hosted online at this poetry website called The Starlite Cafe. Every week, there will be a 10-word challenge - which is to create a poem using 10 words posted by the forum administrator. The theme for this week is the letter "U", and we are given 10 words that starts with U for the challenge.

So here's my humble attempt.....

Senseless Sacrifice

As the war unfolds
I cannot help but doubt
What are we fighting for?
We trudged on
Our bodies nothing more
Than bullet shields

As the massacre continues
I cannot help but question
What are we bleeding for?
Blood baked till umber
Under scorching sun

Umpteen times I’ve prayed
My usual prayer
Lord am I here to unite all
Seeking peace
Or am I your unique tool
Called upon to leave
My urban comforts
For this war-torn field
To fulfill my destiny

Were there really
Weapons of mass destruction
Have we done what we came for
Or have we been used
To further one’s ulterior motives
Bringing nothing
But misery and grief

As the gunfire rains
I cannot help but wonder
What are we struggling for?
Body count of enemies
Updated every minute

As the death toll climbs
I cannot help but despair
What are we dying for?
We began to realize
This Senseless Sacrifice

By Elvina

© 2005 Elvina (All rights reserved)

Week 42 - The ten word alphabet challenge - U
ulterior - umber - umpteen - under - unfold unique - unite - update - urban - usual

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Things That Make Me Happy :)

Jade Falcon recently started a blog entry on "Things I Like." Thought it was a pretty cool idea and would like to try out my own version here today. If you are a blogger, do one for your blog too so that we can all get to know one another better! :)

Well, since I am quite easy to please, there are not many things that I don't like. So I decided to blog on things that "make me happy". Here goes....

1. Writing

Writing remains my #1 passion of all time. It is where I express words I cannot otherwise say, thoughts that I cannot otherwise reveal, and feelings that I cannot otherwise share. The literary world consumes my imagination and spurs me to create works that distinctly bears my character, personality and perceptions. It defines who I truly am, liberates what I try to suppress and shapes what I can become.

I love writing poems. I blog. I have tried writing songs. I have written a short novel once. I will continue to write as long as the passion continues to burn. I hope I can publish my own novel one day - and I wish that day will not be too far away. If you want my autograph, better ask for it now before I become famous! Haha.....

2. Music

Well, I have no talents in this field whatsoever. Could play a li'l organ here and there, but that's about it. Would love to accomplish my dream of learning the piano one day - so I can write my own songs. But music absolutely makes me happy.

I love all kinds of genre:

- Rock music (Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Guns 'N' Roses, Beyond)
- Instrumental (S.E.N.S, Chris Spheeris, Narada)
- Opera (IL Divo, Andrea Borcelli, Josh Groban, The Three Tenors)
- Pop (Linkin' Park, Hoobastank)
- Ballads (Emi Fujita, Air Supply)
- Canto and Mandarin Pop (Sammi Cheng, A-mei)
- Jazz (Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald, French Jazz, Norah Jones)

To date, I have a collection of over 400 CDs - and still growing. Every kind of genre pulls my heartstrings in its own unique way. Music has really been a huge part of my life - and has also been as much a healing experience as writing.

3. Books

Books are the third great pillar of my life. I could not remember a time when I do not have a book in my hand. There were photos of me reading when I was as young as 3 years old! I have a library of close to over 200 books and comics now and my dream of a lifetime is to have my own house with a beautiful rosewood library filled with books from the floor to the ceiling. I will die a happy woman in this room....

4. Gadgets

YES! Gadgets, toys, consumer electronics are absolutely my favourites. I can swoon for hours over the latest mobile phone, PC, laptop, MP3 players, plasma TV, digital camera, turntable, speakers, hi-fi systems, wireless music streaming devices.... the list just goes on and on. Set me loose in a shop filled with gadgets and you will have me transfixed there for hours. I would be so completely hypnotized by all the cool toys in front of me that I'll be totally oblivious to you. :P

5. Movies

This is the world where most of us would often escape into. The world of make-believe, the world where good triumps over evil, the world where fantasies are created, the world where love precedes everything else in life.

Movies inspire me a lot - and there are times where one film would light a creative spark and bring out the poet in me. 11:55 is one such poem, totally inspired by the movie "Girl Interrupted".

6. Faeries

I am not sure when I started falling in love with these fantasy characters. Maybe deep inside me, I do yearn to be like the faery - carefree, kind, strong, magical, and beautiful both inside and outside. I want to have wings that will take me to the furthest ends of the universe. I want to be able to sprinkle miracles on those who needed help. I want to be able to change the world - and make it a better place.

I want to be a faery.

7. Food

Food could provide exquisite tangible and intangible comforts, you know? It not only satisfies your primal need - hunger - but at the same time, the right kind of food can so tantalize your tastebuds and make you want more.

Whatever they say about men, the way through my heart is exactly the same. Feed me. :)

8. Men

Though they are the major cause of many heartaches and tears, I do enjoy the company of men. Intelligent, witty and mature men. Men who make me laugh. Men who pamper me to no end. Men who put up with my idiosyncracies. Men who romance me. Men who keep their cool even when I lose mine. Men who are tender and kind. Men who are loyal. Men who are loving. Men who know what they want and what they have to do to get it.

They come in all shapes and sizes and different forms. Some are friends. Some are dates. Some are admirers. Some become lovers. One will eventually be my husband.

It's simply wonderful being a single girl for now.

9. Hobbies

There's little doubt that hobbies can make one really happy. These are some games/sports/activities that I love to indulge in whenever I have the luxury of time and/or money.

- Word Games: Scrabble. Boggle. I realized I'm actually quite good at word games. Open to challenges anytime.
- Sports: Cycling. Swimming. Bowling
- Singing: I am the undisputable KTV Queen!
- Web surfing: For news, creative ideas, blogs, games and other super duper cool stuff
- Concerts/Plays: Expensive hobby indeed, but shows my cultured and artistic side, doesn't it?

10. The Lord

I owe everything in my life to the Alpha and the Omega. Without Him, I am nothing. There's nothing more I could say about the greatest LOVE of my life.

= : : =

There you have it. Ten things that make me HAPPY. Check out the list of my faves below for what will make me really, really, really freaking happy!

Fav Food: Laksa, Chilli/Black Pepper crab, Curry, Tom Yum Gung (in short - anything spicy!)
Fav Movie: Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fav Show(s): Crime Scene Investigation, Law & Order, Sex and The City, Boston Legal
Fav Book: Whitney My Love by Judith McNaught
Fav Song: Tong Hua (Fairytales) by Guang Liang
Fav Actor: Brad Pitt
Fav Singer: Emi Fujita
Fav Flower: Lilies
Fav Gadget: iPod
Fav Man: My dad

So do you know me better now?

Confessions (of A Simple Girl)

If I’m granted but just one wish
There’s nothing I’d want more
I want to be
The woman of your dreams

If the world should end today
There’s no one I’d loved more
I will love you
And that’s enough for me

You may not believe
How much you mean to me
I only want to be the girl
Who’d love you for eternity
Though I may fail
But try I will
I’ll never go
As long as you’re in my life

If I’m given but just one chance
There’s nowhere I’d long to be
I long to be
The lover in your arms

If the sun should set tonight
There’s nobody I’d miss more
I will miss you
Wish I could turn back time

You may not feel it
How much love I can give
I only want to be the girl
Who’d be where you’ll be
Though I may fall
But through it all
I’ll be there
As long as you’re here with me

That’s how much
My love for you truly is
I may never be
The girl you want to me to be
I’ll still love you
Because I am me
Because you are he

And because,
I am what I am
No one can love you more than me.

© 2005 Elvina. All rights reserved.

(Inspired by IL Divo's "The Man You Love")

"I only wanna be the man, to give you everything I can,
Every day and every night, Love you for all my life.
I don't wanna change the world, as long as you're my girl.
It's more than enough....
Just to be the man you love."

Friday, October 21, 2005

GEEK Guide - v 1.0

By now, all of you should know that I am a gadget freak. I will put up some cool links from time to time on cool gadgets, toys and paper crafts for you guys to check out. There are stuff for girls too - so don't sulk ya?

So here it is - the first edition of Geek Guide v 1.0. Get ready to be wowed!

For the DUDES:

1. Beer-O-Matic Retro Vending Machine

This is a dream vending machine! Put in all your Coke and beer cans into
this retro gadget and throw a party at home or in your office! One of the most COOLEST coolers I have seen so far.

(featured on PerpetualKid.com)

2. Shocking Liar

As the name suggest, you are looking at an ultra sleek lie detector! Play FBI with your friends and get a game of Truth or Dare going. Remember the truth hurts - but if you lie, you are in it for a shock - literally! Extremely useful on cheating spouses and lovers.

(Disclaimer: We accept no responsibility for any inaccurate, or accurate readings that may lead to marital, work, or personal disputes!)

3. Mini Billards and Mini Bowling Games

If you can't get away to the pool hall, Billiards in a Box and the Mini Tenpin Bowling are great desktop entertainment! Entertain yourself when the boss's away. Great for ridding yourself of those Monday blues.


1. Miss Army Knife

To compete in the real world, you gotta be equipped. The Miss Army Knife complete field artillery kit that looks like an innocent Swiss Army Knife! It has a flashlight, keychain, needle and thread, safety pin, corkscrew, pen, tweezers, bottle opener, screwdriver, scissors, ruler, nail file, perfume bottle, mirror, pill box, and knife!

(featured on MissArmyKnife.com)

2. Chocolate Fountain

Though I don't have a sweet tooth, I know many of you girls have a weakness for chocolates. Enjoy the indulgent experience of a chocolate fountain in the comfort of your own home. Friends and family will be amazed as they dip fruits and biscuits into the warm, cascading Belgian Chocolate to create chocolate covered delicacies. Just fill the base with melted chocolate, turn on the motor and experience pure chocolate heaven.....Yummy!

(featured on PerpetualKid.com)

3. Candy Grabber

Check out this fantabulous Candy Grabber! It doubles up as a savings bank so you can have fun while you save! Simply fill it with your favourite grabbable treats, drop in a coin or token and attempt to capture your prize before the whimsical music stops. You can even earn some money by enticing your guests to have a go at it. It's simply as addicitive as the one in the arcades!

(featured on Firebox.com)

That's it for the first edition! There are more from where these cool gadgets came from! Click on the pictures to take you right to their websites.

I will feature more cool stuff next weeK. If you are looking for gift ideas, drop me an email and see what I can pull together for you.

Meanwhile, Christmas is coming round the corner. You guys know what to get me now! Haha....

P.S. Bee - Hope this color scheme and the larger fonts will help you read my post better! :P

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Love on Rebound

A friend of mine has requested that I blog something on rebound. Yup - the all too familiar word for those who are 'fresh' out of love.

What constitutes a rebound? When does it start? When does it end? How do you differentiate it from true love? Can a rebound lead to something more?

Quite frankly, I am no Dr. LoveAlot. Questions like these stupefied me just as much. The answers elude me just the same. But I guess since I have been in more rebound relationships than real ones, I should be able to dig into my crumply Rebound sack and fling out some useful nuggets of wisdom.

When I was very much younger, I found it difficult to be alone. Not that I am trying to find excuses for myself, but I do think that it might have something to do with losing my dad at a very young age. I have always been the apple of his eye, and his death just stripped everything away that I once possessed. His love. His attention. His time. His company.

Hence, I surrounded myself with people who loved me. Obviously, most of them happened to be boys. I jumped from one relationship into another, seeking the love and attention that I so desperately crave for. Every time one relationship ended, there would be another waiting to start. I could not remember a time when I was alone. The thought was too much to bear.

That kind of behaviour, was undoubtedly screaming "REBOUND" in big, bold capital letters with neon bulbs flashing all round.

The thought of ending a relationship often hurls us deep into the depths of helplessness and despair. Hence, during that period, you'd feel most lonely. The least desired. And very unwanted.

Along comes someone who seems to understand what you are going through emotionally. You feel as if you can connect with that person who is spending time with you. Not only do you stop feeling bad about the relationship that soured, you are actually entertaining thoughts on this new person who's paying attention to you.

At this point, you would probably think that you have found yet another person you can entrust your feelings with.

Hold your horses, my friend.

Whatever you are feeling right now could not possibly be real. The heart is still reeling from a break up. Your vulnerability is exposed. You've lost that lovely feeling which left a huge gaping void in your life. You needed to know you are not that hopeless.

Unknown to you, these cavities have formed a huge ominous curtain of deception over your eyes. The need for company and approval might be so overwhelming that you could easily misread the signals. If you think your feelings are being awakened by this new found relationship, it's probably time to re-tune your antenna.

I would say 99% of the time, when the fog lifted, you will realised those feelings are horrendously misplaced in a moment of weaknesses. That's when terms like rebound love, rebound sex, and rebound "whatever" find their way into the Oxford dictionary. Once you start defining it, everything seems clearer.

Not that rebounding is bad. Everything is ok as long as no one gets hurt. A rebound helps one to get over pain and loss faster than you can say "What the hell have I done?" But if feelings are involved, things get a li'l bit complicated.

If one party is on the rebound and the other is genuine, that's clearly a recipe for disaster.

If both parties are on the rebound wagon, you've got a one-way ticket to Splitsville. Two's not always company. That's how some great friendships are ran over and wrecked in such freak accidents.

- Right person, right place, wrong timing.
- Right person, right timing, wrong place
- Wrong person, right place, right timing
- Wrong person, wrong place, right timing
- Right person, wrong place, wrong timing

I could blabber on and give you 10,000 more permutations to prove how the hypothesis of rebounds could potentially be damaging and irreversible. But it's really unnecessary because I believe most of you are not stupid. You might be blind and delusional, but you are definitely not dumb if you have read this far.

So my take on falling headlong into another relationship when you have just got out of one is - DON'T DO IT. Not unless you have suicidal tendencies.

Take your time, what's the hurry? If both of you are truly fond of each other, you will still feel the same when the Cloud of Doubt passes. And if you don't, at least you've got yourself another friend.

That's the logical me talking. There are times when I am not so sure myself if I could see beyond the blurred boundaries. One of my favourite quotes of all time speaks of this dilemma:
"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be explained by logic or reason, but they must be felt by the heart."

And boy, do I have a treacherous heart.

My Dynasty Warrior

I remember the days when I played Romance of the Three Kingdoms - it was so addictive that I didn't sleep for days and nights because I was so engrossed in conquering nations, battling enemies and forging allies.

Came across this cool little quiz on Jade's website - which analyzes the kind of Dynasty Warrior that you are.

So I took the quiz and here's the analysis - I am Zhuge Liang, the legendary military strategist! Exactly the character that I would have chosen when I am playing the 3 Kingdoms!

Dynasty Warriors 5 Xtreme Legends - ZHUGE LIANG

Take the quiz and let me know who you are. This will not take you more than a minute, I promise! :)

Have fun.......

Cool Blog Tools

For those of you who are into blogging like moi, it's always wise to back up your files. If you are using Word, or w.bloggar or WordPress, you wouldn't have a problem as your files would be saved in another format anyway.

But if you are blogging your entire life through Blogger's interface, I would strongly recommend that you back up your entries using this cool software called the Website Copier. The software allows you to download a World Wide Web site from the Internet to a local directory, building recursively all directories, getting HTML, images, and other files from the server to your computer. This means that it creates a mirror website of your blog, so that you can also view it offline. Simply open a page of the "mirrored" website in your browser, and you can browse the site from link to link, as if you were viewing it online.

You would also have noticed that I have a li'l new item on my blog. It's a subscription service which allows my readers to subscribe to my blog and be updated via email every time I put up a new entry! Install Bloglet on your blog if you like to keep your friends updated on your blog entries.

Last but not least, if you are looking to change the look and feel of your blog, check out BlogSkins, Blogfrocks and Primp My Blog. You can find many original creations from people who simply have too much time on their hands! :)

Being the geek that I am, you can be sure I will be surfing for more cool stuff. Watch this space.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Project Faerytales

Many years ago, I set up a chat channel on IRC called Fairytales - with the purpose and intent of putting together a group of chatters and friends who can be activated for ad hoc community projects and volunteer work.

It was pretty successful back then. One of the projects we did was to organize a Telematch + Party on Children's Day for HELP. HELP stands for Help Every Lone Parent, an organization dedicated to offer assistance and support to children from single-parent families. For most of these kids, their mother or father has either passed away, or serving time in jail for some crime or drug abuse.

I rounded up 8 people from Fairytales, who had to take leave from work just to do this. Their enthusiam was extremely admirable. It was tough work coordinating the entire event and keeping the kids entertained the whole day from 9am to 5pm, but it was absolutely fruitful and gratifying. When the kids hugged and kissed us after the event, all of us were touched and happy beyond words.

There was another time when another group of chatters was activated to paint the classrooms in the school for the Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore. We had so much fun because in the midst of painting the walls, we were splattering paint on each another as well!

The chatters from Fairytales never fail to offer their help, whenever there is a need. Besides giving their time, they were equally generous with their money. They were more than willing to contribute when I was raising money for the School Pocket Money Fund to help kids who needed money to go to school.

Fairytales is not only a chat channel where we hang out and interact, but also a platform for the chatters to meet and have fun in more meaningful ways than watching a movie or having a meal.

Over time, Fairytales became less active. Some of the chatters left because they got attached. Some got enlisted into the army. Others were busy with their studies and exams. As for myself, my workload increased and hence, I have less time to manage the channel.

Looking back, I wish I had done more to keep the spirit of volunteerism alive. Often, it is easy to use time, or the lack of it, as an excuse for not offering our help. I believe if I have time to blog, party, watch a movie, or hang out at Coffee Club for hours with friends, then I do actually have time to offer help to people who are less fortunate.

Hence, I would like to revive Project Faerytales - through a brand new medium. My Blog.

Though this blog was not set up for this purpose, I believe it could be a good avenue to start what I have done before. Through this blog, I have made some new friends. Like the chatters from Fairytales, most of you stumbled upon my world, not knowing who I am.

Over time, you got to know me better through my musings and ramblings. Through it all, you stayed and visited regularly, something which I've never expected when I first started blogging. I have always thought that nobody would be interested in my life, but you guys have proven otherwise. Knowing that many of you are reading this blog, every day, moves me deeply. And knowing that I may have a chance to influence you through this blog, gives me hope. :)

If you are reading this, just know you are already part of Project Faerytales by being here. Any kind of help that you can offer, no matter how small, would be equally valued and appreciated.

The first task at hand I have for Project Faerytales is to raise funds for the victims of the South Asia's deadly earthquake. According to the latest reports, the death toll has reached 79,000. The United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) has warned 10,000 more children could die from hunger, cold and disease in coming weeks because aid has still not reached parts of quake-hit Pakistan. Millions of people are still homeless.

As winter approaches, many more would die from the cold as they camp out among the debris with only the clothes left on their backs. Many are still in need of medical treatment. Survivors, especially the kids, could face the risk of hypothermia as winter snows begin settling on mountain peaks.

Everyone of us can make a difference. Your contribution will help provide things like food, water, blankets, medicine, tents and other critically needed items.

If you are willing to contribute, I would urge you to pledge any amount from S$50 onwards. However, no contribution is too small so I would still collect any amount of money that you can offer. I would also like to encourage you to help me raise more funds by asking your friends/family to contribute.

Kindly leave me a note or email me if you are keen to help. If you have collected money from friends and family members, please help me take down their names so that we can document each and every contribution.

I'd arrange a time to meet up with each of you to collect the money, or arrange for bank transfers, if you don't mind. 100% of the money raised will be given to Worldvision, a Christian relief and development organisation working for the well being of all people, especially children.

You can click on the following links for more information.

If any of you has strong objections on Worldvision, do let me know. I can arrange for all contributions to be sent to the Pakistani Embassy instead.

For those of you who are participating in this very first Project Faerytales, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Every little offer or help counts.

" We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." - Ronald Reagan

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Dark Secrets

Everyone has a secret.

I am sure you do too.

So do I.

But if you think I am gonna reveal my darkest secrets here on my blog, you are very wrong. Haha. :)

I actually want to introduce a very interesting website to you today. Why I love this site is because it is based on an extremely simple yet marvellously creative concept. It is widely successfuly (in my opinion) because it banks on the fact that every one of us has a skeleton (or many skeletons!) in our closet. And that somewhere deep down inside us, we are dying to tell someone!

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

You are invited to anonymously contribute your secrets to PostSecret. Each secret can be a regret, hope, funny experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, erotic desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before.

I've read some of these secrets that were mailed in, and some are indeed quite mind-blowing! This site has received so many postcard secrets that it has published them into a book. The postcards themselves have become art exhibits and collectors' items!

Here is a sneak preview of some of my "favourite" secrets. Check out the actual site for more archives.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Monday, October 17, 2005


The notion of soulmates fascinates me.

Does every one have a pre-destined soulmate?

What is the possibility of us finding that person?

Will the soulmate be the person we eventually marry, or do we go ahead and tie the knot, knowing very well that our partner may not be the soulmate that we are looking for?

Is it possible that we will go through our entire life not ever knowing who our soulmate is?

Could it also mean that if we miss a chance to be with our soulmate, we will never find another one again?

It is wonderful to know that a person like a soulmate exist. Someone who probably knows you more than you know yourself. Someone who knows what you are feeling just by being near you. Someone who knows what you are thinking of - even when you don't say a word. Someone who surprises you by doing the same things you are thinking of doing. Someone who knows exactly how you want to be loved. Someone who is always there - even when he's not physically there.

But if truth is that there can only be one soulmate for every person in a lifetime, then it would be tragic for someone like me. Because, deep inside me, I know I have found my soulmate - and lost him I did too.

Dan begged to differ. He felt that a person's soulmate would ultimately have to be the person you marry. Your wife or husband should be your soulmate.

The issue now is the word "should". Of course, given an ideal situation, who wouldn't yearn to fall in love with someone, who so happens to be the soulmate you have been searching for all your life, and end up in perpetual marital bliss?

I hate to stress this - but that is really an ideal situation.

More often than not, the person we fall for may not even be that soulmate. Could jolly well be an abusive boyfriend, a liar, or an incorrigible womanizer. Same goes for the one we marry.

I told Dan that I believe I have already found my soulmate in Leon. He asked me if Leon was that person for me, why did he end up cheating on me?

The answer is in fact, very simple. Leon might be my ultimate soulmate, but he wasn't the perfect partner. A wonderful lover might not necessary be your soulmate either. Having a soulmate as your eventual partner is an ideal situation, remember?

Leon was a soulmate in many ways.

He always seemed to know when I was feeling down and never failed to be there for me - no matter how late it was. He would be the friend to shoulder all my burdens and worries. He was the patient boyfriend who put up with all my flaws and shortcomings. He felt my pain even when I didn't say a thing. He laughed when he saw the twinkle in my eye. Many nights, we would sit in silence, and communicate with each other using nothing but non-verbal cues. Time and again, he would overwhelm me with his ability to read my mind in a way no one else could.

Leon also knew what made me tick. There were times when he would call - just when I was feeling lonely. When we were only friends, he knew exactly when I would be needing company - and he would avail himself on those days. As good buddies, we would spend special occasions like Christmas, Valentine's Day and New Year together simply because both of us were unattached.

When we were a couple, he would indulge in my whims and fancies - such as shopping for groceries, cooking and baking - like what any old loving couple would do in their retirement years. Occasionally, he would suddenly grab my waist - right in the middle of the supermarket aisle - and lead me into a slow dance, cheek to cheek - to the melodies of the piped-in music. And yes, these are exactly the kind of surprises he knew would thrill me to no end.

And that was the kind of soulmate Leon had been to me. He only fell short because he could not be the faithful partner that I wanted.

But that does not mean he could not be faithful at all. It only meant that the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with - just wasn't me. In fact, he is still very much in love with the girl he left me for - 5 years ago.

I know - because I saw their loving photos on Friendster. And they really looked very happy together.

Now that my soulmate has come and gone - where does that leave me? Does that mean any guy that I end up with in the near future will always fall short of being my soulmate? With Leon being the benchmark, is it even possible for anyone to read me like he can? In so many ways?

Maybe I should stop searching for a soulmate - because I might just be setting myself up for more disappointments than anything else.

Maybe what I need is someone really sincere.

Someone who sincerely loves me with all his heart and soul. And even if that person is not a soulmate, it does not matter anymore because eventually, true love that binds two people will take precedence over the fluffy concept of "soulmates".

The lesson of Leon should be enough to prove that having a soulmate who could not be true to you - is as good as not having him at all.

"Friends will keep you sane,
Love could fill your heart,
A lover can warm your bed,
But lonely is the soul without a mate."
- David Pratt

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A New Look!

LaoNiang is back with a vengeance!

How do you guys like the new look? I've searched the entire web for a really nice skin for my blog and finally found this template. Kind of like this sleek black finish.

Did a lot of research on blogging and all, and realised there is so much to learn! There are even hacking codes to alter pre-set templates and HTML codes. That's what I did for the header. Replaced a boring header with an animated banner using Photoshop and ImageReady. How cool is that? Haha... so proud of myself.

Anyway, some of you may be wondering why I changed the blog address. For one, I want to keep this blog exclusive to a few people. If you have been following my blog, you would know that it has previously been used as a war zone by some spammers. Hence, I am kicking them out of my world, so that I can have some peace and quiet to pen down my thoughts and emotions.

Funny thing is, the dude who started the online mud-slinging actually wrote to me and apologized. He is a self-confessed fan of my blog, and was quite shocked that I closed down my old one.

Well, I have not yet quite decided what to do with him, but in the meantime, he would not be privy to this blog, as far as I can help it. Neither will those who try to test my patience or sanity with their nonsensical comments and threats. Enough is enough.

For those of you who are already in this blog, enjoy your stay. Hope you like the revamp and if there are any topics that you would like me to put up, let me know. Gossips are welcomed. :P

"To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - E.E. Cummings

Saturday, October 15, 2005

My World

It's been a whirlwind week.

Looking back, I realised I have come a pretty long way.

From the day I started blogging till now, I've made some pretty interesting friends. I don't know who they are. Don't know where they come from. Don't know what they do. Don't know how they look like.

Many who read my ramblings - are mere acquaintances. Passer-bys who got to know me through reading the little bits of myself that I reveal online every day. In time to come, they'd know more about me than I would about them.

I know they are around me, hovering near...trying to find out what went on in my life today. Even if it offers nothing more than a little glimpse into my world, these "friends" are there. Loitering around, waiting for the next update.

You know who you are. You are the one who dropped me a note to tell me you are worried. You are the one who wanted me to know that you still care. You are the one who hung around to see if I am ok. You are the one who show your silent support in many little ways that touched me.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

You do not really know me, but yet you are there - rooting for me.
It's a nice feeling. And I really appreciate that.

I have nothing much to offer. But this little blog.

If you like what you read, then do stick around. I will continue to share my world with you, because I know you really care.

And most of all, because I know, no matter what happens, you will still be there.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Oct 14, 2005

The guy in my blog entry "UNPREPARED" died today.

I killed my old blog.

I lost a friend.

I wish the one who died was me.

He's Just Not That Into You

I am back to work! Thanks to all readers of this blog for your well-wishes! I feel much better today. :)

Really felt and looked like shit the whole of last week because of my illness.... so I decided to put on a cute li'l denim tube top today, hopefully can look a bit sexier after looking like Harriett the Haggard for the last 4 days.

I bought a book for a friend of mine recently. Like many women, she has difficulty reading some of the obvious signals that men are giving out to her. She keeps second guessing them, and then works herself into a frenzy or state of confusion, wondering if this guy likes her. Apart from buying her shitloads of roses with petals for her to pluck (he loves me, he loves me not that kind of nonsensical garbage), I thought this book would do her more good.

It's written by the consultants for Sex and The City, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, and aptly called He Just Not That Into You.

This book claims that — despite good intentions— you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be He's just not that into you.

I have taken the liberty to shortlist some of my favourite tips from the book for your reading pleasure:

1. Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings.

2. Are there men who are too busy or who have been through something so horrible that it makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends.

3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone.

4. He’s just not into you if he’s not dating you. ‘Hanging out’ is not dating.

5. The “He Just Got Out of a Relationship Excuse” – He will always be able to play the “friend” card with you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. After all, being a “pal”, you wouldn’t want to put him through any more emotional turmoil while he’s going through his very “traumatic breakup”. He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.

6. It’s about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more.

7. The “He’s Afraid to Get Hurt Again” Excuse – If he were in love with you, he wouldn’t be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences.

8. The “But I Have Gotten Fat” Excuse – I definitely think you should lose 175 pounds – in the form of your loser boyfriend. His using your weight as an excuse for cheating is not only mean, but simply not valid. If he has a problem with anything in your relationship, he’s supposed to talk to you about it, not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it.

9. It doesn’t count unless he says it when he’s sober. An “I Love You” (or any semblance thereof) while under the influence of anything stronger than grape juice won’t hold up in court or in life.

10. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

11. This is going to be controversial, but I am going to say it anyway. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

12. You deserve a fucking phone call.

Last but no least, this tops my list for Best Tip:

13. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.

Personally, I heard many of the excuses listed above - especially the Afraid To Get Hurt and Just Got Out of Relationship ones. The book could not have summarized it any better.

Other reviewers of this book said that it is "provocative, hilarious and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating". It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe he's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

Maybe I should write my own version for the men - She's Just Not That Hot About You. Touted to be the next national bestseller - coming to a blog near you. Watch this space.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


It's not a good day today.

I am still on MC - and that means my body has been on strike for four days in a row - since Monday. I am actually feeling nauseous - suspect it might be gastric juice.

My head is splitting. I feel terrible. I have no answers to the many things that are going wrong in this world.


A friend of mine got involved with a married man some time back. I believe she genuinely liked him and enjoyed his company. But for the guy - she's really not the first woman he has had an affair with. And no matter how special he had been to my friend, he was still an asshole in my eyes.

It pained me then to see her go through that relationship. There's nothing I can do but to watch her sink deeper, feel more miserable and be constantly drowned in guilt. Spiritually, I felt really tortured with the secret because I was utterly helpless. I wanted so much to shake her and scream in her face. I wanted to slap that guy in the face so hard his mother could not recognise him. I wanted to expose his sexacapades to his wife and make him suffer forever for his infidelity.

But who I am to do that? It wasn't my affair to begin with. My frustrations alone could not justify me destroying my friend and her husband's (yes, she married too...) lives. I felt even worse knowing that any impetuous reaction on my part may lead to unspeakable consequences to that asshole's family. How would the unsuspecting wife feel? What would his little kids feel? I just could not bring myself to do it.

So I locked this skeleton up in a vault. I tried convincing my friend she was not special to him, as he claimed she was. Men who cheat are liars. Is there a need to elaborate why? How far from the truth can that statement be?


I SMS-ed that guy, pretending to be a flirtatious stranger. Showed her his enthusiastic responses. Can't you see? Men always respond to women, whether they are married, single or otherwise. He went on to ask for my MSN addy. I gave it to him, and he actually chats me up every time he sees me online.

Time and again, I proved to her that she was not special to him. Give him another woman anytime, he would still entertain her. My friend was disappointed in him when she knew he was chatting me up, but yet, she could not tear herself away from him.

There was really nothing else I could do.


We never progressed beyond MSN. Most of the time, I hardly entertain him because I have already proven my point. And because, he's married with kids and for Christ's sake, he's fooling around with my friend!

He justified why men cheat on their wives. Every man, he said, probably has 10 boxes in his heart, representing different needs. Most of the time, the woman he married can only fill up, say 70% of the boxes (if you are lucky). And hence, if a man meets someone who can fill the remaining 3 boxes, he will revel in the grafitication of having his desires fulfilled. A man will almost always "subconsciously" seek out the person to complete those boxes the existing woman in his life could not fill.

My friend happened to fill that 30%. But I keep reminding her, she would not be the only one. Many women have filled it before, will fill it and will continue filling it as long as he allows it.


Not knowing that I was a "spy", he continued to chat with me on MSN.

He said I was "like an angel, with wings". He said, "I like you Elvina. You make me laugh." He asked if I missed him whenever we haven't chat in a long while. His last MSN message to me was June 21, 2005.

I stopped entertaining his chats because my friend had broken up with him. I felt that my duty to her was over. I felt liberated and relieved that the bastard is out of her life. I definitely do not want him anywhere near mine.


Last night my friend called. Bad news.

He is very ill. In fact, he is dying.

I heard he was stricken with cancer. Everything happened too fast. He was suddenly diagnosed with liver cancer, and within 2.5 weeks, his liver failed him.

He is now in a coma, breathing through a life-support system.

My friend was crying, because he used to be someone really special to her. And because she finally met his wife - and she felt really bad. She cried because she remembered the times they joked about death; the kind of songs he want to be played when he dies etc.

There's no way my friend could tell the wife that. She could only watch helplessly as he slowly fades away on that machine.


This news hit me as hard as the Pakistani earthquake. I have been in a trance the whole day, reeling from the impact since last night. Maybe that's why I was feeling nauseous. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Don't know what to think. Could not react.

Yes, he may be a total asshole - and I am angry with him for his promiscuous and selfish behaviour. But I don't wish death upon this guy.

I actually feel very sad for him as of this moment. I feel helpless. I am beginning to feel depressed.

I feel like crying - but there were no tears. And my heart hurts real bad. I do not know how to handle death. I don't know even know what to feel about this person - who probably doesn't deserve my attention at all, if not for the fact that he is dying.

And there is nothing I can do about it. Except pray.

Murder He Wrote

This may be old news for some people - but I didn't know about it, until today. Came across a short write up on this blogger in this month's Hardware Magazine (HWM) and thought I would check his site out.

Reading his last blog entry - chills my heart. There were over 3,000 comments on his last blog, from people all over - penning down their farewells and condolences. The blogger, Simon Ng, and his sister were murdered in their home on May 12th in Queens.

Before the brutal stabbing happened, he had gone online to blog - and unknowingly - revealed the identity of the murderer. As reconstructed, he was killed just minutes after he posted it.

He had some tough time coping with pressures from school. He was probably tossing a quick entry into his blog in the midst of his busy schedule, not realizing that his final blog entry on an unwelcomed visitor would help the police nail the cold-blooded assaliant.

I felt a heavy pang in my heart when I read the full story. His Xanga blog stared back at me, dated Thursday, May 12, 2005.

I looked at his profile - born Mar 29, 1986. He's only 19.

Went through his blogs. Like any other boy teenager, he loved computer games, anime and sports. He had tons of homework and reports. He had to do his own house chores. He had money problems. Just like any other boy his age.

I somehow found it painful to reconcile the fact that he was murdered right after that last blog and that he could write no more. I don't deal with death very well.

I do not know him at all. But I connect with him because he is a blogger, like me. His blog is depressingly static - frozen on the date of his death, and kept alive only by the people who drop by.

This must be the first time in history that a weblog is used as evidence in a murder case. It goes to show how blogging, for some of us, has become an integral part of our lives. Its impact stretches alarmingly beyond the printed words you see on the screen.

This story also made me feel that nothing in one's life is too mundane to write about. People we meet. Things we see. Emotions we feel. Stuff we think about. Everything is significant in its own little way. Sometimes, we do not even know that things we don't think much of, actually hold great meaning to other people.

I have been told that my blog helped someone get through some of his darkest times.
I have been told that what I wrote made someone cry.
I have been told that my articles touched someone's heart.
I have been told that my words can heal.

Thanks for letting me know that I can make a difference - with this humble blog of mine.


People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget,
How you made them feel.