Mr. Big

If you have watched "Sex and The City", you would know who Mr. Big is.

In the hit series, Mr. Big (played by Chris Noth) is a smooth, dashing, enigmatic, charismatic, charming man. The one man in Carrie Bradshaw's life who will always have a place in her heart. He's utterly single but never available. He goes in and out of her life from time to time - giving her hopes and dashing them - although not necessarily in that order.

When he's with her, he makes her feel really special and often, his actions are undoubtedly sincere. However, when he realised he got too near, he became Mr. oh-so Unattainable, pulling back faster than the pre-tsunami waves can retreat.

In real life, the same elusive Mr. Bigs exist. They make you believe that maybe at some point in time, you will be the one to capture his affection for eternity. But in reality, somehow, one can never get quite through.

They then become this "special friend", one who snuggles up occasionally for some tender-loving affection and company whenever he feels the need. He's also the same unpredictable, aloof guy who will keep himself at arms' length from you the very next day.

My friends believe I have a Mr. Big in my life. One of my girls have this theory: The difference between a Mr. Big and a "time-filler" is that you couldn't care less about what the "time-filler" does or say. In other words, if you are bothered by a guy's words, actions and reactions, that dude is probably your Mr. Big.

(Definition: "Time fillers" are people you hang out with to fill the gaps in time when you have nothing else to do, or no one to go out with. Usually refers to the opposite sex. Feelings sold separately.)

I do beg to differ. Not that I have "time-fillers" to begin with (and I usually do not have much spare time to fill anyway!), but I sincerely do not think there is a Mr. Big in my life right now.

Ok, given that there are a couple of elusive guys in my life at this moment - which of course, increases the probability of a Mr. Big's existence.

But I am generally a woman of great and varied emotions. What I am trying to say is, I would still get emotionally affected by what anyone says or does (to some degree - depending on how close I am to the person), even if these people may not necessarily be of any significance to me at this point in time.

People affect me all the time - just that I don't really show it.

Hence, to conclude that one person is my Mr. Big simply because I seemed bothered, troubled or concerned about him, is theoretically, quite flawed.

To put it simply, I may have more than one Mr. Big, because of the kind of girl I am - sentimental, emotional and highly sensitive.

I am bothered that a guy friend of mine told me that he found it difficult to penetrate the "fortress" that I had built around me, and that he could not take the friendship further 'cos I wouldn't let him in.

I am troubled when my dear male buddy finds it easier to chat with my friends than with me.

I am concerned when a boy I genuinely liked as a friend, harbours ulterior motives.

I am perplexed when a man I wanted to give my heart to, decides not to take it.

And I get extremely confused when some guy told me I seem to have a lot of reservations and restraint, when another feels I am too open with my feelings.

So in one way or the other, they are all my Mr. Bigs. Because I feel a lot. I think a whole lot. I analyse until I become paralysed. Hence sometimes, it may seem that I get deeply affected by just one particular person. But that's only because you don't know about the rest who impacts me just as much, by the things they say or do.

Everyone and anyone who has ever left a fingerprint in my life, does affect me one way or the other. Some simply more than the others. Some I choose to ignore, some I choose to react.

I guess I am just Carrie Bradshaw-with-one-too-many-Mr. Bigs. I kind of wish now that I do have one resident and permanent Mr. Big - who I can benchmark every guy to. Who I can yearn and mope for till the day he comes around. Who is the all-elusive man which I may ultimately snare one day for myself.

But I guess for now, I am happy with Brad Pitt.