I have always been a very sensual girl.
This literally translates into the fact that I love being cuddled and hugged. I absolutely love kisses. I love to be near someone and hold him. I love putting my head on a guy's shoulders or my arm around his. I love to be held at the little nook of my waist. I love the feeling of resting on someone's chest.
There is only one problem. You can't really do that when you are single.
If I start to be "touchy feely" with the guys I date, they would either think I am super horny, or that I am falling in love with them.
That - is quite frustrating.
I am sensuous, and I love the sense of touch. I like to ruffle a guy's hair if I think he is cute. I like to touch his arm if I think he is sweet. I like the feel of an arm around me if I feel cold in the cinema. And I love it when someone whispers a joke to me in the ear.
My senses go on high alert whenever that happens. And it gives me a warm, tingling feeling right down to my toes.
But it seems that I could not do that without giving out the wrong signals. And for a sensual girl like me, holding back the "urge" to touch feels like I'm trying to kick a serious drug addiction. The withdrawal symptoms from not being able to express myself through touch and hold are eating me up inside. The word "falling in love" instantly almost becomes a dirty word, and just gives me so much undue pressure that I no longer find pleasure in the "touch".
Sometimes, my friends would tell me that the best solution would to be to get a boyfriend, so that I can do whatever I want without feeling any pang of guilt.
I rather believe that a boyfriend is not THE solution, but a legitimate channel for me to indulge fully in my sensuality. If only men, women and the holier-than-thou society would stop placing so much significance on the act of touching, holding, cuddling, snuggling and kissing, then I might not have so much reservations on expressing myself.
But it's not that simple of course. Any form of physical intimacy with anyone - would inevitably stir up some whirlpool of hidden emotions - whether I like it or not. Even a simple touch can spark off romantic voltages that would short-circuit an entire city. Humans are way too vulnerable because feelings are unstoppable, uncontrollable, and easily manipulated.
I do not want to go there.
Being sensuous and being ready for a relationship are totally two different issues. I may be very in touch with my sensuality, but I could not see myself loving anyone at this point in time.
Herein lies my agonizing dilemma.