I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Love on Rebound

A friend of mine has requested that I blog something on rebound. Yup - the all too familiar word for those who are 'fresh' out of love.

What constitutes a rebound? When does it start? When does it end? How do you differentiate it from true love? Can a rebound lead to something more?

Quite frankly, I am no Dr. LoveAlot. Questions like these stupefied me just as much. The answers elude me just the same. But I guess since I have been in more rebound relationships than real ones, I should be able to dig into my crumply Rebound sack and fling out some useful nuggets of wisdom.

When I was very much younger, I found it difficult to be alone. Not that I am trying to find excuses for myself, but I do think that it might have something to do with losing my dad at a very young age. I have always been the apple of his eye, and his death just stripped everything away that I once possessed. His love. His attention. His time. His company.

Hence, I surrounded myself with people who loved me. Obviously, most of them happened to be boys. I jumped from one relationship into another, seeking the love and attention that I so desperately crave for. Every time one relationship ended, there would be another waiting to start. I could not remember a time when I was alone. The thought was too much to bear.

That kind of behaviour, was undoubtedly screaming "REBOUND" in big, bold capital letters with neon bulbs flashing all round.

The thought of ending a relationship often hurls us deep into the depths of helplessness and despair. Hence, during that period, you'd feel most lonely. The least desired. And very unwanted.

Along comes someone who seems to understand what you are going through emotionally. You feel as if you can connect with that person who is spending time with you. Not only do you stop feeling bad about the relationship that soured, you are actually entertaining thoughts on this new person who's paying attention to you.

At this point, you would probably think that you have found yet another person you can entrust your feelings with.

Hold your horses, my friend.

Whatever you are feeling right now could not possibly be real. The heart is still reeling from a break up. Your vulnerability is exposed. You've lost that lovely feeling which left a huge gaping void in your life. You needed to know you are not that hopeless.

Unknown to you, these cavities have formed a huge ominous curtain of deception over your eyes. The need for company and approval might be so overwhelming that you could easily misread the signals. If you think your feelings are being awakened by this new found relationship, it's probably time to re-tune your antenna.

I would say 99% of the time, when the fog lifted, you will realised those feelings are horrendously misplaced in a moment of weaknesses. That's when terms like rebound love, rebound sex, and rebound "whatever" find their way into the Oxford dictionary. Once you start defining it, everything seems clearer.

Not that rebounding is bad. Everything is ok as long as no one gets hurt. A rebound helps one to get over pain and loss faster than you can say "What the hell have I done?" But if feelings are involved, things get a li'l bit complicated.

If one party is on the rebound and the other is genuine, that's clearly a recipe for disaster.

If both parties are on the rebound wagon, you've got a one-way ticket to Splitsville. Two's not always company. That's how some great friendships are ran over and wrecked in such freak accidents.

- Right person, right place, wrong timing.
- Right person, right timing, wrong place
- Wrong person, right place, right timing
- Wrong person, wrong place, right timing
- Right person, wrong place, wrong timing

I could blabber on and give you 10,000 more permutations to prove how the hypothesis of rebounds could potentially be damaging and irreversible. But it's really unnecessary because I believe most of you are not stupid. You might be blind and delusional, but you are definitely not dumb if you have read this far.

So my take on falling headlong into another relationship when you have just got out of one is - DON'T DO IT. Not unless you have suicidal tendencies.

Take your time, what's the hurry? If both of you are truly fond of each other, you will still feel the same when the Cloud of Doubt passes. And if you don't, at least you've got yourself another friend.

That's the logical me talking. There are times when I am not so sure myself if I could see beyond the blurred boundaries. One of my favourite quotes of all time speaks of this dilemma:
"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be explained by logic or reason, but they must be felt by the heart."

And boy, do I have a treacherous heart.


Richard said...

Nice blog.

The need for companionship is very strong and causes many to do foolish things because the alternative of being alone is not tolerable.

I learned long ago to be cautious in whom I would trust. At a young age, I discovered that people are not always sincere. I might meet someone in the playground (they may even approach me) and we start to play, but then, one of their friends might come along and they would leave. Leaving me alone, discarded because my usefulness was over.

This is a characteristic I see in my daughter (she is 6-1/2) and I do not like it. I try to encourage her to be faithful to her friends and not to use them.

So, while someone may smile and call me friend, I am more reticent to extend the same. It is a serious shortcoming of mine – to be simultaneously optimistic and hopeful, while at the same time trying to protect myself from potential disappointment.

“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, whoever finds one finds a treasure. A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance their worth. A faithful friend is a life saving medicine”
Sirach 6:14-16 (hint, it is not in the Protestant Bible)

Anonymous said...

like your blog, great one.
for a moment, i thought i'd lost you(your old blog) completely.
had a hard time searching, cant believe that you would ever stop posting anything. :-)
finally gotcha! and keep up the good work!
you're indeed very sensible & decent from what i deduce from your posts.

Bee said...

"Take your time, what's the hurry? If both of you are truly fond of each other, you will still feel the same when the Cloud of Doubt passes. And if you don't, at least you've got yourself another friend."

Yes, fully agree to that. Time is always a test for any relationship.

Tan Kok Seng said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tan Kok Seng said...

Someone always gets hurt. Everytime a guy breaks up with a girl, friends rally around him and say hey, we'll hook you up with so-and-so. You'll like her. Very pretty/great personality/nice bod. She'll get your mind off your ex-.

Voila Miss Rebound Girl.

Anonymous said...

A rebound is a rebound and that is all it it...Personally I think the word should be ''Profiter'' - ''Preditor'' - Using other people for your own mistakes or heartbreaks is just terrible. Stay home with yourself for a while and work things out in your head - then go out and meet the world!!! L.

Anonymous said...

Someone always gets hurt. Everytime a guy breaks up with a girl, friends rally around him and say hey, we'll hook you up with so-and-so. You'll like her. Very pretty/great personality/nice bod. She'll get your mind off your ex-.

Voila Miss Rebound Girl

Someone always gets hurt is not true because there are people who aren't genuine and who don't really care. For instance, the person that is the rebound may simply be in it for sex and in that case; it's probably best.

How can you say every time a guy breaks up with a girl his friends rally around him and tell him a new "hook-up" is around the corner? I mean, sure, perhaps you've experienced something like this, but do you not realize there is a sea of guys out there who really give a crap about the feelings of a girl? I'll go ahead and admit, the scenario you proposed does happen, but not exclusively to men. In fact, it probably happens just as much to women.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, I think I am being a rebound girl...If you can tell me.... At first, what he did showed me that he was truly interested in me. After two weeks of going out, we went on a weekend trip together and had a good time. When I got my surgery, one of my friend was taking care of me and he was working overnight every day during the first week after my surgery so obviously he didn't have time to visit me. After that, he went back to his normal daytime working schedule, he still hasn't visited me. When I mentioned about the visiting thing, he said the reason he called last night was seeing if I was home so he could come to visit but I didn't answer my phone. Was it real? I don't know and I don't want to guess. He told me about doing this and that with other people, and when I asked in half joking way when he'd hang with me again... His reply was it wasn't that he didn't want to hang with me but it's just he worked too much... LAME! or LIES??? Am I being stupid or blinded here? I'm so confused about what I should do or how I should handle this. :/

Anonymous said...

Honey, you need to be able to trust him. It may not be lies, but if you have doubts and he can't reassure you then you have to let go. Don't DO anything about it, just let go, relax with yourself, be yourself, and let love happen on its own - either with him, or with someone else! Trust that your heart will know when it's genuine.