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Friday, October 14, 2005

He's Just Not That Into You

I am back to work! Thanks to all readers of this blog for your well-wishes! I feel much better today. :)

Really felt and looked like shit the whole of last week because of my illness.... so I decided to put on a cute li'l denim tube top today, hopefully can look a bit sexier after looking like Harriett the Haggard for the last 4 days.

I bought a book for a friend of mine recently. Like many women, she has difficulty reading some of the obvious signals that men are giving out to her. She keeps second guessing them, and then works herself into a frenzy or state of confusion, wondering if this guy likes her. Apart from buying her shitloads of roses with petals for her to pluck (he loves me, he loves me not that kind of nonsensical garbage), I thought this book would do her more good.

It's written by the consultants for Sex and The City, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, and aptly called He Just Not That Into You.

This book claims that — despite good intentions— you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be He's just not that into you.

I have taken the liberty to shortlist some of my favourite tips from the book for your reading pleasure:

1. Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings.

2. Are there men who are too busy or who have been through something so horrible that it makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends.

3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone.

4. He’s just not into you if he’s not dating you. ‘Hanging out’ is not dating.

5. The “He Just Got Out of a Relationship Excuse” – He will always be able to play the “friend” card with you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. After all, being a “pal”, you wouldn’t want to put him through any more emotional turmoil while he’s going through his very “traumatic breakup”. He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.

6. It’s about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more.

7. The “He’s Afraid to Get Hurt Again” Excuse – If he were in love with you, he wouldn’t be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences.

8. The “But I Have Gotten Fat” Excuse – I definitely think you should lose 175 pounds – in the form of your loser boyfriend. His using your weight as an excuse for cheating is not only mean, but simply not valid. If he has a problem with anything in your relationship, he’s supposed to talk to you about it, not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it.

9. It doesn’t count unless he says it when he’s sober. An “I Love You” (or any semblance thereof) while under the influence of anything stronger than grape juice won’t hold up in court or in life.

10. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

11. This is going to be controversial, but I am going to say it anyway. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

12. You deserve a fucking phone call.

Last but no least, this tops my list for Best Tip:

13. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.

Personally, I heard many of the excuses listed above - especially the Afraid To Get Hurt and Just Got Out of Relationship ones. The book could not have summarized it any better.

Other reviewers of this book said that it is "provocative, hilarious and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating". It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe he's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

Maybe I should write my own version for the men - She's Just Not That Hot About You. Touted to be the next national bestseller - coming to a blog near you. Watch this space.


mel said...

actually u ever thought of subbing all the 'he' with 'she' and 'guy' with 'girl' in the book and it would still make perfect sense!

It all works both ways...

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

I beg to differ for some of the points. Women tend to be more complicated when it comes to rships. They sometimes can manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Many women may not want to admit it, but it's really an inborn trait. haha...

np said...

That you can write so much at 11am at work amazes me! Looks like someone is eating snake during working hour!

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Shhhh....... :P

mel said...

Great to see you are feeling better!

Hey, u only think u r manipulating cos that’s what we want u to think! Hah!

Have a good weekend….don’t party too hard…


Ricket said...

Today is your friend Jeanne's Birthday ya?

Hope you girls have fun.

Richard said...

The problem is that relationships are, generally, entered into implicitly (from friendship all the way up to love). We keep looking for clues and signs that bonds of trust, companionship and intimacy (not necessarily sexual) are present and reciprocated.

For myself, it takes a lot of time for me to declare someone a friend. Why? Because some people (the majority?) are only fair-weather friends. Over the years, I have learned that some people use you only as a time filler until they are able to move on – and they seem to have no qualms at abandoning you at a moment’s notice.

My own personal expectations of people has been that I could be friends with anyone. That people are sincere when the smile at you, when they agree to spend time with you. But, years of experience has jaded me and I know that many people are opportunistic. As well, need is a requirement for any relationship. Once I have a good cadre of friends around me, the need for new friends disappears. It is a sad reality.

I find women tend to make more foolish assumptions and commitments than men (though, this is not always the case). I think we all know cases where one partner is really nice and the other is a jerk. As a number of male friends have expressed to me, “Why do women always like the jerks?” (you know he rude, crude, inattentive guy – but the same happens with guys, nice guys often seem to have awful girlfriends).

I think the reason is that the nice person has an inbuilt desire for commitment, to work things through. The not so nice person is a selfish exploiter.

I fall most clearly into the guy who used to “hang out” with women. The reason is simple: I need to know a person is a true friend before I am willing to consider advancing to a deeper relationship. Of course, women don’t seem to see it that way.

A dear friend of mine spent a great deal of time and effort trying to convince me that women make relationship decisions very quickly. And, if I ever wanted to have a girlfriend, I would need to act more quickly. I told her that I needed a base of friendship first, if the woman was not willing to wait, then I was not interested. (Along with other suggestions like, smile more and dress better ;-)

Of course, it can also be that the guy in question is blind to certain social cues (I know I am – flirting is something I do not recognize. I remember my wife telling me, after we started dating, se wondered if I was ever going to ask her – she said she had been flirting like crazy. “When?” I asked. She gave a number of examples – the most recent having been playfully whacking me with a tree branch. “Oh,” I answered, “I thought you were just being friendly because you were comfortable with me.”)

Aside from my wife, I am not aware of any woman who has ever shown any interest in me. On the other hand, with some hindsight, I see that my past is filled with women who I met, were friendly with me for a few months and then, suddenly, started ignoring me or avoiding me. Maybe I missed signs.

Probably a good example (filled with a nice metaphor) is the following: When I was 20, there was a bank teller where I banked. She was very pretty and friendly. We used to chat nicely while I did my banking. After a time, when I was second or third in line to be served, she would put up the “Closed – another cashier will be pleased to serve you” sign. When I got to the front of the line, she would open. After two months of this, or so, she started to put up the closed sign when I came to the front of the line. Did I miss an opportunity? Maybe. Had she asked if I wanted to go out with her, I would have said yes – but for me, the bank was not a social setting for meeting people.

I think women need to take more control over their lives. I know the traditional (and genetically programmed) role is for men to be pursuers, for women to be acceptors. They have the power to accept or reject advances, but not to initiate them, If Singapore is like other Asian countries (Japan, China), then a forward woman is regarded with less respect. I think this is wrong. Dropping subtle hints won’t work with me (and it may not work with other guys – but I have yet to meet any). I see nothing wrong with a woman taking control of her life, of starting a relationship.

In my case, the move from friendship to a relationship must be explicit and must have a serious end objective. As I told my wife, I was not interested in dating her for fun. I looked at this as something with the end objective being marriage – I was lucky and she accepted (although, I am not sure she heard the rest of my speech after I asked her to be my girlfriend).

I remember, when I was 17 or so, I think I was watching ‘America’s Funniest Home Video’s and they were showing clips of funny marriage proposals. In each case, the woman, of course - like a well programmed automaton, would have an explosive, OMG!, OMG!, OMG! reaction. And I thought, “That’s wrong.” If you’ve been in a romantic relationship with the same guy for a long time – this should not be a surprise. It should have been a precondition of the relationship.

Yeah, as usual I have once again blogged inside your blog (hopefully, at least this time I was on topic :-)

Take care.


I liked the "green" theme better than the "black" one.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Richard: You are amazing!! haha...yes yes you are right. You have blogged in my blog. Love hearing your stories. You have so much to share!

Well, I guess in Asia - many women are taking the initiative. But many men still like the chase, because it gives them a greater satisfaction to be able to capture the girl of their dreams, doesn't it?

Many men now like to date women for fun, or simply to hang out. Commitment is something that is not quite up on their agenda. I guess it's the same for women nowadays as well.

Maybe that is why there are so many singles around. All of us knows where the final destination is, but none of us are heading in that direction. :)

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

I love the green theme too - but I want to try something different! May change back to the green theme in future, but for now, just enjoy the black one ya? :P