You Don't Know Me

Capricorns seemed to be the most misunderstood character in the zodiac. They always seemed strong and confident, but many times, they feel really vulnerable. Solid on the outside, raw on the inside.

I personally know a few Caps, one of whom is a male colleague from my department. In fact, both of us were born on Jan 10. How uncannily coincidental. Another "dear friend" (as he so like to address me) was a Jan 18 baby. Like every other Cap i know, they are both Smart. Eloquent. Confident. Charismatic. Ambitious.

However, deep down inside, they wished to be understood. Because, no one seems to understand their intentions, thoughts, actions and even words. Many times they give up explaining, because it would be translated as a defensive reaction. Sometimes, the more they justify, the deeper the misunderstanding.

So they conceal their feelings so well that no one could ever penetrate their vulnerability. They want people to know they are fine, nothing ruffles them, and hence, they often put on a nonchalant front. They laugh it off. Or make a joke out of it.

But some things do affect them.

Things like comments from people who they care about. The inability to express themselves correctly (and hence the misunderstandings). The pressure they get from people around them to be strong always - simply because they have always been so. Any display of their weakness throws their close ones off balance. The need to hide their pessismistic and negative outlook on certain issues. And last but not least, the expectations to be a dependable friend, lover, family, colleague.

So they think a lot about other people, and hardly for themselves. Many times, they beat themselves up over the fact that they have not done enough, even if they had. Harsh judgements from people they love just crush them, and by instinct, most Caps would withdraw into an awfully hard shell so that they could nurse their wounds in silence while maintaining a strong front.

The best way to see if a Cap is wounded, hurt or sad is to look at them straight into their eyes - and all is revealed. Caps love affection, but they are usually afraid to show it, so they erect an invisible wall around them to ensure that their feelings are fortified and protected.

I am not an expert in horoscopes, so maybe some Caps may think I am sprouting rubbish. Hence I am just going to put in a disclaimer - that the above analysis is seriously based on my own point of view, and observations of other similar Caps like myself.

Tonight seems like a good night for wine. It relaxes my nerves and helps me sleep. I have not written a poem for a long time. Hopefully I will get some inspiration soon. For now, it's just wine. And that's good enough.

Because other than wine and my music, I cannot find comfort anywhere else.

Because no one can ever understand what a Cap needs, feels or thinks. Even after they have expressed what they want, no one can comprehend what they really, really need.

Because a Cap is expected to be strong - so they can only seek solace and comfort in solitude. Be it a passion, a dysfunctional lifestyle, or for me, simply wine and music.

That's how it is for us. The most misunderstood people on earth. And it gets very lonely at times to be where we are.

But we are strong. So we go on with tomorrow like what we have done today. Smile. Be happy. Move on. :)

Kickin' Up A STOMP

In the month of September alone, I've watched 3 major theatrical productions. Quidam, Snow Wolf Lake, and best of all - STOMP! The mood was great. Pushcarts selling kachang puteh and ice-cream, cool live band music set against a lovely riverscape plus a great mix of crowd.

Verdict for STOMP - ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!

STOMP is 2-hours of non-stop kick ass entertainment. I could not keep my eyes off their performances, and my feet from tapping to the "music". The way the performers drummed their sounds into my system was totally awesome.

I mean, this show really exceeded my expectations. I would definitely rate it above Quidam and SWL. The percussionists' performances were simply amazing. Using everything they can lay their hands on, they produced super dynamic rhythms and sounds on buckets, kitchen sinks, pails, cups, pots, pans, barrels, brooms, lighters, newspapers, tubes, road signs, metal chairs, plastic and paper bags and of course, their own bodies! You name it, they've used it. It's one big percussionist orgy that brought me to an ultimate delirious high!

It was also hilarious at some point, as they had cleverly weaved in some cheeky humor within each performance. I was thrilled, tickled and totally entertained right up to the finale. The performers got the entire theatre on their feet, clapping and stamping their foot to the exhilarating beat of their percussions.

Each of the characters on stage lives and breathes the Stomp World, showcasing their wild percussionist skills through an impeccable sense of rhythm as well as humour.

Yes, I was completely impressed and 100% gratified. Highly, highly recommended if dough is not an issue.

Last but not least, thanks to my "FWB" for this wonderful treat. Cannot thank you enough for this lovely gesture. :)

High and Lows

Hmm... A bit high tonight. Got home early tonight after having dinner with a bunch of crazy girls at The Legends @Fort Canning Park. Poured myself some wine, locked myself in my cool cozy room, played my soothing mp3s and went online to play some games.

Love the wine...cos it lulls me to sleep easily, so that keeps me off Valium. The wine sends blood rushing to my face and ears - mmm...feels warm and nice. Hee....

That's probably the only high point in my life today. When one speaks about Highs, there should be Lows too. If you have been following my blog, you will know who James is.

Well, we actually brought our non-existent relationship to a closure. Non-existent because we never really started anything. We began as friends and when he left for Qatar, we remained status quo. None of us felt it appropriate to commit anyway.

Received an email from him on Monday - and he apologized for not writing. He revealed that his career was picking up in Qatar and he's actually planning to extend his term there. So I don't think he will come back at all. I thought he should get himself a gf because I know it can get pretty lonely over there - if he has absolutely no one to love or care for him, especially during times when he's feeling low or homesick.

He said he is still single, but he has been thinking a lot about his ex-girl friend. The same divorcee who was with him for 5 years, left the responsibility of raising her kid to James, and dumped him earlier this year for a richer and more mature guy. The same girl who pestered him every day and night after the break up, whenever her new bf is not in town. James the SNAG, is even thinking of patching up with her.

When I read the email, I could literally feel my eyebrows raising - and feeling totally incredulous about his thought process. My friend told me love is blind, and I couldn't agree more. If he had told me he found someone in Qatar who is making him really happy, I would have been really thrilled. At least I would given him 101% of my blessings!

But the ex? Geez. Whatever is he thinking of? I guess him being a softie, sentimental new age guy doesn't help huh? He holds on so much to his feelings and his obligations to her, that he totally forgets himself. Told him I was really disappointed that he has come to this decision, but wished him all the best anyway.

He's coming back for a short break in Oct - and wants to meet up and talk. I was like - talk about what? I seriously don't think it's necessary, because he does not owe me any explanation. My greatest fear in meeting him is that I will make him feel even more confused - knowing now that he is really someone who cannot think reasonably with his head. His heart totally rules his life, and he lets his emotions get the better of him everytime.

Hence, I told him that my email reply is actually the best opportunity for a clean closure. I should stay away lest my presence will hinder his career and love life. Surprisingly, I thought I would feel extremely hurt - but all I felt that day was total calmness. Which puzzles me. I guess that confirms that I probably didn't like him as much as I think I did. Even the tone of my email to him was utterly professional - as if I am writing a letter of regret to a unsuitable candidate. haha... I wonder how he would react.

And that's the Low for this week. But honestly, we have stopped communicating with each other for such a long time, that I don't even feel anything significant when James broke the news. So I guess it does not even qualify as a Low. So much for Mr Nice Guy. He made me wonder if guys really love being tormented emotionally. Many times I have realised the bitches always get what they want, while nice girls always finish last. Seen it too many times. Cheap thrill huh?

Oh well, life goes on as always. I pray from the bottom of my heart that his ex will wake up and start cherishing this idiotic fool. Otherwise, I think he should just migrate to Qatar and never come bacK. But then again, the women there are all wrapped up from head to toe - so maybe he will REALLY feel deprived. He will probably be stoned to death in public if he ever dare to even steal a glance at the womenfolk. Haha....

All the best James - and live in peace. :P

CHAP SAR TIAM

Hope you guys enjoyed the One Night Stand entry. Some of my friends laughed until "hay gu". Should have put a disclaimer somewhere that states whatever side-effects any of you may have suffered as a result of this blog's content, it is absolutely none of my business. Haha.

Since we are on the topic of application forms, I have another one to share with you - hope you have not seen this yet.

=================================

Since the IR has been approved, the underworld is looking for recruits. This one - CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY, a Geylang-based organization for youth, is now recruiting members to fulfill a tender they are submitting to the new casino.

Sorry, sorry, integrated resort.

Please fill in the form below and mail to:
Mr. Chao Ah Beng
Membership Occifer
Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society
69 Geylang Lorong 69
Singapore 696969
Reference code: chapsartiam.com

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY

1. NRIC No.: _________________

2. Surname: __________________

3. First name: (please X)
[ ] Johnson
[ ] Benson
[ ] Samson
[ ] Hamson
[ ] Janson
[ ] Other: _________________ (if not ending in son? please explain why)

4. Chinese Name: Ah __________(if not beginning with Ah? please explain why)

5. Age: [ ] Under 35 [ ] Lau Beng

6. Sex: [ ] M [ ] F [ ] at Geylang

7. Length of Last Fingernail: ________ (cm)

8. Ability to squat for:
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] more than 2 hours (wah, steady!)

9. Hairstyle:
[ ] Spiky
[ ] Dyed with streaks of blond
[ ] Dyed with streaks of red
[ ] Two strands dangling in front of eyes
[ ] Kana mop like that
[ ] Perm (please state which saloon in JB you went) ________________

10. Tattoo of:
[ ] Tiger
[ ] Dragon
[ ] Snake
[ ] Eagle
[ ] Hello Kitty

11. Work experience: (please X all that apply)
[ ] KTV Launge Bouncer
[ ] Snooker Hall Attendant
[ ] Unlicensed Contractor
[ ] Freelance debt collector
[ ] Unlicensed bookie
[ ] Dispute Resolution and Settlement Professional
[ ] Unemployed

12. Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: (the one in Batam, that one)_________
Lover's Name: ____________________
2nd Lover's Name: (Lorong 69, that pooi-pooi one)____________________

13. Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in foster care: ____
Number of children that are actually yours: ____

14. Mother's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

15. Father's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

16. Education: (Circle how many years it took you to finish primary school)
8 9 10 11 12

17. Ability to swear: (please X all that apply)
[ ] Hokkien
[ ] English
[ ] Malay
[ ] Tamil
[ ] Cantonese
[ ] rude hand gestures

18. Service performed in previous secret society:
[ ] Leadership/Tua Tao
[ ] Junior management/Suay Tao
[ ] Physical activities/Hooting
[ ] Dispute Resolution and settlement/Cham Siong
[ ] Lookout/Kuah Chui

With your application, please also enclose sample of blood (need not be your own).

=================================

Anybody keen to apply? Free lifetime membership. And if I need money, just loan it to me without interest ok? :P

ONE Night Stand

Thought this would be super funny to share.

A couple of years ago, I chatted with this guy on IRC. It soon became apparent that he was looking for a one-night stand and was pretty adamant in getting it. I thought it might be fun to play along and see how far this loser will go to get what he wants.

What you are about to see next is probably the world's Most Desperate Attempt to Land a One- Night Stand (ONS). I should have nominated him for a Guiness World Book of Records or something.

(To protect his identity, I have decided to omit his photo and "mosiac" some of his numbers.)

Here's what he emailed me:

==============

Subject: The one who chatted with u just now

Dear Miss Yukiko,
I was the one who chatted with u just now, attachment is my photographs.
Kindly consider my proposal, be my counterpart for a journey of life if it is okay.
I thank you for your time and taking patient reading the story part of me.
I wish to know your life story too.
My handphone: 01777XXXX
My office phone number: 07-355XXXX
My name : Liew
My previous email:- luttut@hotmail.com, I think of stop using this email, pls forward to my sending email now.

Anticipating your favorable reply
Friends remain.
Thank you.

==============

At the point of receiving this, I was laughing so hard that I literally fell off my chair. Thought that was really CLASSIC with a Capital "C". But wait. Horrors of horrors - there's more!

==============

Subject: Application to be ONS

Dear,
Good morning,
I thank you for allowing me to send my profile to apply to be your ons.
To make you feel worthy, please give me a try.
May I know what is my position now, the multiple choices are listed below, kindly let me know:-

a. Unacceptable
b. Slim chance but may consider
c. Depend on my mood
d. Chance is there but need more time
e. Can only be email friend but you can share email joke with me
f. Can only be email friend and share whatever interesting email from you (including uncensored pictures)
g. Purely friendship
h. Acceptable
i. Others:- Please specify:__________________________

You may choose more than one choice.
Answer: ___________________

Thank you and best regards.

==============

Now I even got to fill in a multiple choice questionnaire so that he can "apply" to be my ONS? This guy is totally UNBELIEVABLE!

Hahahahahahaha

完结篇

很多孤寂的夜晚，
我喜欢把自己反锁在房间内
独自在那小小的空间里
听一些能触动我情绪的歌

有时我会傻傻的流泪
自是人生长恨水长东
滔滔心痛与无奈
永无休止

别时我感觉心境淡泊
了解人该有悲欢离合
月终有阴晴圆缺
心如止水

某时我放纵与风共舞
忘我高歌取醉欲自慰
仰天大笑出门去
不枉此生

有道难行不如醉
有口难言不如睡
先生醉卧此石间
万古无人知此意

静想一下
人生仇恨何能免
锁魂独我情何限
爱与恨，喜与悲
也不过
一线之差
往事已成空
还如一梦中

I Am Who I Am - Exposed

I am the daughter who suffered in silence everytime you caned me for no reason.

I am the daughter who kept poison diaries of you when you destroyed my very first relationship.

I am the daughter who cried every night for three years when daddy passed away.

I am the sister who took care of the family's burden while you waste your life away.

I am the sister who is utterly disappointed in you for all that you are, and all you have done and am still doing, to this very day.

I am the girlfriend who wrote you letters everyday and dedicated songs to you every night on all the FM stations, while you were in camp.

I am the girl you left crying in the pouring rain, when you turn your heart away.

I am the soulmate you cheated on, who forgave you when you beg for another chance, and whom you left again that very same month.

I am the girlfriend who ate nothing for 2 weeks, went into depression for 3 months, and closed my heart to everyone else for 4 years when you gave me up.

I am the loser whose heart aches every time she sees your loving photo with that girl you left me for.

I am the woman who needs a lot of love and care, but was disappointed by many men.

I am the lady whom men claim they love, but love me they could not because they come and go as they please.

I am the friend that you may not know much about, but once you do, I'll swear my allegiance and loyalty to you forever.

I am the best friend who ran down to be with you at 3am when you called with a broken heart.

I am the girl who harbours a passion for writing, so as to touch others with my words.

I am the girl who makes a fool of myself, so that everyone can laugh.

I am the girl buddy that guys like to hang out with, but will not want to romance.

I am the Lao Niang you tolerated and loved, despite all my flaws, fiesty temper and idiosyncracies.

I am the one who broke your heart, because I could not love you anymore.

I am the child the Lord chooses to discpline, in ways I may not understand.

I am the melancholic artist who kept all her life sorrows in a hidden vault, because they are too painful to share with anyone, and because no one could understand.

I am the girl whose dreams are yet to be fulfilled, but believes it will be someday.

=================================================
I claimed no credit to this piece, as it was entirely inspired by MercerMachine, Mr Brown and Juz Another Gal.

Click the links to read their masterpieces:

MercerMachine (The "Original")
I'm That Guy
Who We Are

Mr Brown
I Am That Guy

Juz Another Gal
I Am That Girl

My Ideal Man?

During one of my super boliao afternoons, I took a personality test to find out what kind of man I actually want. Yes - that's the loser part of me talking. The one who needs an online personality test to unravel who her ideal man should be. There are times when I allow myself to slip into bimboism - for whatever reason. Probably I have made so many bad judgement calls on men in my lifetime that I am starting to rely on the virtual world for an answer.


Here are the results of the test. It analyses my ideal man using four dimensions - Romance, Maturity, Lifestyle and Looks.

Romance
Although you're a sucker for romance, you'll probably cut a guy some slack even if he doesn't constantly pamper you with gifts and affection. You crave passion in your relationships, so you want a guy who can (and will) express his deepest feelings for you through his actions. Someone like Richard Gere or George Clooney, perhaps? But you know that men aren't very romantic, so you're willing to lower your standards in this area if need be. Chances are you're willing to stick around once the courting period ends, though it's still very important that your guy occasionally dote upon you. Your realistic-yet-hopeful outlook will guarantee you a good catch!

Maturity
Love might be a serious game, but it should still be fun. Too much sophistication can kill the romance. But we didn't have to tell you that. It sounds like you always go for the kind of guy who knows how to cut loose and just be himself. Practicality and maturity are respectable qualities, sure, and no man should be completely without them, but they've never been high on your list of important ingredients for an exciting night out. Based on your answers, we think your perfect guy — someone like Jerry Seinfeld or Cuba Gooding Jr., perhaps? — should know how to have a great time without acting too childish or outrageous. Whether he adds a little bit of danger to your life or just has a great sense of humor, your ideal man would still be young enough at heart to let the kid in him emerge.

Lifestyle
Some people say love is a journey of the heart. So if you're traveling anyway, why take coach when you can go first class? It sounds like you have some very clear financial expectations for your ideal relationship. Money is an important aspect of romance for you, probably because of the leisure and opportunities it offers. (One guy with a bank account that might live up to your expectations is David Hyde Pierce's character, Niles, on "Frasier.") There's no doubt that a luxurious lifestyle is tons of fun, but we hope it doesn't become the most important aspect of your relationship. We all dream about a fairy-tale love affair (complete with a castle), but it's important to stay within the limits of reality. Based on your answers, you should recognize and respect your desires, but if you meet Mr. Right, don't let anything get in the way of true love, even an itty bitty bank balance.

Looks
You may not judge a book entirely by its cover, but you definitely like the cute ones. (Who doesn't?!) You might consider someone who's a little less than gorgeous, but you generally tend to seek out very handsome men who can really turn heads. Matt Damon? Noah Wyle? Right up your alley. But if need be, you're willing to place personality and chemistry before a pretty face and a hot body. Nevertheless, your answers reveal that you take pride in your man's appearance and get a thrill out of watching others gawk at him. You're impressed by looks, and you definitely set your standards high when it comes to physical appearance. Still, you also realize that beauty may be only skin deep and that an average-looking guy with tons of charm might be your perfect match in every other way!

=======================================================

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance. ~ Oscar Wilde

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. ~ Tim Robbins

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. ~ Mother Teresa

Blog Blogger Bloggest

I had no idea blogging has evolved to such a prominent extent. Everyone in this world needs an outlet to voice their thoughts, opinions, angst, love, ambitions, frustrations and in short, everything else that affects their lives. That is why the online platform is the most ideal medium. You blog about anything under the sun, everyone around the globe reads it and some even leave comments after reading it. The pen is definitely mightier than the sword.

In one simple stroke, any blogger can become an instant web celebrity - with an organic fan base who checks the blogs daily for new updates and entries. It's like publishing your autobiography and having a worldwide circulation and a cohort of loyal readers - without having to fork out a single cent - except some time and finger aerobics on the keyboard. The best thing yet, you can keep generating new chapters on a daily basis to keep the stories going, and the fans mesmerised.

I read a couple of such blogs recently, and am tremendously amazed by what these people are blogging about. How they perceive the world. What affects or moves them. Who they are, and what they like to be.

Top of my list should be Rockson. Read about him through another friend's friend blog. Complicated but it's really nothing more than the six degrees of separation theory. Rockson, depsite his shocking language and expletive-filled entries, is amazingly funny and smart. As much as one might be tempted to judge him based on what he wrote, and his past - I have nothing but quiet admiration for this guy. He writes with great insight and posseses an uncanny ability to cross-reference his feelings to other aspects of life. Ah-Beng he may be, but from what I have read, he's got a pretty good head on his shoulders. Probably the only major flaw I can decipher from his blog is the inability to keep his snake in his cage. Sure hope he will remember to put a muffler on his reptile - in case it starts hurting people someday.

From Rockson's blog - I discovered someone equally interesting. This girl has a Master's degree to boot, but she's like the female version of Rockson. She goes by the penname of BlinkyMummy and if you guys think I am complicated - wow - this girl is the epitome of complication. What awes me is her language capabilities. She is super bilingual and writes really well - though her English entries kinda reads a little like Rockson's. The world's greatest Expletives Network are gathered on both their blogs - NB, CCB, KNNBCCB, LJ. (If these acronyms meant nothing to you, then it's better you don't know them at all.)

Not that I am endorsing such writing styles, but I guess that is exactly what makes them so immensely popular with their 'fans'. They are successful writers in their own right because they speak the commonman language, even if the society condemns it. Other bloggers with their "I don't give a shit if you like what I write" attitude - have made the news as well. Xiaxue should be the most infamous of all. She's the unique blogger that everyone hates - but at the same time, these losers cannot help reading the stuff she blogs. Somehow, such recurring erratic behaviours reminds me of bikini wax - it's so darn painful but people still go through the process of having their furry tuft ripped off.

For me, blogging is a release. I write because I can, because I want to, and because I love to. I may not be quite as explicit and flamboyant as other bloggers, but somehow to my surprise, my fan base has also grown. Slowly but steadily. They drop me emails on how they have enjoyed reading my blogs - even though this blog was only revealed to a very small number of my friends. I guess if Rockson and BlinkyMummy's blogs are International Bestsellers, mine would be the Pulitzer Book Prize kind. Serious, critically acclaimed, but not many people can appreciate it - hence very niche readership. Haha...

Thanks to all for supporting my blog - and for being part of my life. If you ever need my autograph, just ask. I always carry my pen with me for such wonderful requests.

Toxic Verbal Diarrhoea

Sometimes I wish I can just blog whatever's on my mind. You see, whenever I feel strongly about something, I get afflicted with "verbal diarrhoea". If I don't get it out of my system, I feel constipated. And that feeling really sucks - cos you'd feel as if you have a whole lot of shit stuck inside you, which you cannot purge. Extremely toxic for the body to store it inside infinitely.

Then again, there are people to consider. Feelings that I would have to be sensitive of. Personal issues that may be too private to reveal. Because I know whatever I write here will be read by the whole wide world, and that it will significantly affect or impact someone's life.

Hence, I am constantly filled with toxins - loads of shitty stuff that I cannot expel out of my heart and soul. Maybe that's why Yen always say I'm full of shit. :P

Many of my friends say I tell great stories and that one day I should pen it all down into a novel. I always tell them that if I ever write about all the stuff that has happened to me - I probably could churn out a trilogy. Or probably a slew of books like the Parry Hotter series. I kind of like the name Parry Hotter - cos I 've been told that I'm quite hot. Or rather, I would like to think that I am (getting slightly delusional here at this point).


Anyway, here's a story about a guy who checked into Hotel Solace recently. His name is Joe and he used to be a special guest at the Hotel many months ago.

One day he disappeared without a trace. Six months later, he reappeared at the lobby of the Hotel.


One unique thing about Hotel Solace is - guests always come and go, and some like Joe, vanishes without any reason. Most hotels will adopt a policy of turning such escape artists away. But Hotel Solace, being what it is, took him back in as a guest - with all past trangressions forgotten.

He claimed he has resolved his issues, and had came back a stronger person. Nothing could make him falter. But apparently, it was quite premature for him to say that. This time round, the issues got more complicated, and he realised he wasn't as strong as he thought he could be. Once again, Hotel Solace started to catch glimpses of Houdini practising his disappearing act.

The thing is, Hotel Solace could never stop anyone from leaving - nor does it has the right to. But it becomes disturbing when it happens once too often. Joe wanted to puruse a passionate dream and was adamant not to stick around and waste time. Yet he expects Hotel Solace to be opened 24/7 - to always reserve a special room for him whenever he's tired of escaping. Should the Hotel be unwilling to accede to his request of keeping him in mind, Joe would rather he never hear from the Hotel again. "Why bother?", he said.

That's pretty unsettling. He's got no intention to stay as a permanent guest at the moment , but he wants to be treated as one. He wants to be missed. He wants to be in the Hotel's top of mind. He badly wants to be detached from the Hotel, but yet he could not stay away. He enjoyed some of the Hotel's "VIP privileges", but ran away when it got too much for him to handle. "Confused" is the word Joe used to describe himself and how apt that is, I feel.

What can the Hotel do? The best thing to do is to let him go - so that he can pursue his ultimate passion. But he would have to be treated as any other guests that came and left. It's not fair of him to take advantage of the Hotel's VIP privileges, and disappear again simply because he does not want to pay the price of being a VIP, but at the same time, expects to be treated like one. Normal guests are normal guests. VIPs are VIPs. The distinction should be as clear as day.

But I guess many times, lines are blurred and people often cross them without realising it. There could never be absolute black or white, but probably lots of grey.

Maybe that's why, even when Hotel Solace got snubbed by Joe for its lukewarm reception to him, it could not turn him away. It could only hope that Joe knows his stance - and know what his rights are as a Normal guest in the Hotel.

To end the story, Hotel Solace believes that there are still many good Christians around, and that not all women are evil or crap. Maybe what Joe and other habitual escape artists really need is a rehabilitation center to help them get over years of bitter, pent-up emotional issues. Hotel Solace could never be the ideal place for them until they've learnt how to face up to their problems instead of running away.

Thank you for staying with Hotel Solace.

We look forward to seeing you soon.

Snow Wolf Lake

I cannot believe that Vivienne actually had free tickets to Snow Wolf Lake. I've always wanted to watch it, but I find it too expensive. When she asked me earlier this afternoon if I wanted to watch it tonight, I was delirious with joy! If she's in front of me right then, I would have hugged her breath out of her! (*kish the ground that viv walks on*)

THANK U BABE!!

Back to the musical. Jacky Cheung no doubt - is THE King of Mandarin Pop. His voice resonated the entire indoor stadium. Hearing him sing gave me goose pimples, cos he's really that good. However towards the end, his voice went hoarse. For those of you who don't know, he's got a problem with his throat. This should be his last musical - and probably his retirement masterpiece.

The musical, I felt, was pretty disappointing. Maybe I went in with too high expectations, after hearing all the rave reviews of this show. To summarize, it was draggy, corny at some parts, and boring to a great extent.

The cast was inconsistent - in terms of their performance. Delivery was awkward, and they re-used the same set for the entire performance. Songs were repeated throughout the musical and there wasn't one song that particularly stood out.

The final letdown was the ending. It really sucked. Being the cynic that I am, I could not help but wonder - love is really such a joke. Brings back to mind something Jade said - All good things must come to an end.

In short, Jacky swore to love a girl forever and ever. She died shielding him from a gunshot, fired by her jealous husband. The next scene, Jacky lived happily ever after by marrying her older sister, who had a crush on him for the longest time.

"Till death do us part"? Men and women of today have made a mockery of that vow. Marriage has only serve to become an institution - a contract sealed on paper and as easily breached as any contract on earth. Divorce is the ultimate and perfect escape clause for any failed partnership.

With that, allow me to share something I wrote once on this very issue. Be enlightened, and enjoy.....

I DON'T BELIEVE

Two lonely souls met, fell in love
For one moment in their lives, time freezes
He gave her flowers, sweet and blue
Each petal speaks of a love, so true
She wrote him letters, made him gifts
Her world revolves around this man, for eternity

He claimed he'd die if she goes,
His heart would love no other, no more
If he leaves her, tears would flow
She can't live without him, any more

One day it happened
He got sick
Turning his back for another
Love ceases
Her tears of pain
Were in vain
He's tired and just wanna
Walk away
Her heart was ripped
Shred to bits
Her knees on the floor
Begging him
But when love ends
Cruelty sets in
The petals bloom for another girl
Not she

Going through the days
Her soul withering
Abandoned by fate, forsaken by destiny
Who cares?
She opened her eyes
To face reality
Picking up her life to start anew
Forget him

So what is love
You tell me
He didn't die without her, but left her
He did

So what is love
I don't believe
She still lives on when he left
Didn't she?

Heaven on Sea: My Little Accident

Well, the stoopid accident was really no fault of anyone but my own.

It was raining very heavily in the early evening and got too dark to read. Feeling bored, I decided to entertain myself with Karaoke.

Big mistake.

It's as if all laws of Physics eluded me that particular moment. I had gone for a swim earlier that day - and was too lazy to change out of my damp clothes /bikini. Amidst the rumbling thunderstorm and the threatening lightning streaks that were slicing across the dark ominous sky, I actually mindlessly decided to sing.

The karaoke machine has to be powered by electricity right? I was holding on to the microphone, crooning to the songs in my wet clothes.

Everything happened so suddenly. Apparently there was this mega lightning, and before I knew it, I felt a shock running from my fingers right up to my neck.

Out of reflex, I flung away the microphone and my hand flew up to my neck to contain the pain. Eugene and Andy were shocked and quickly ran to my aid. I was immobilized for a full half hour because there was a sharp numbing pain in my neck.

Eugene later told me that my neck might have been affected because I was wearing a silver chain - and yes, metal + wet clothes + microphone connected to electricity = SUPERB CONDUCTOR! haha...... I must be suicidal.

Fortunately, after applying some hot towel treatments on my neck, I felt much better. Went off to sleep after that - probably "traumatized" by the shock.

And that's my little accident at the Kelong. Totally freaking bimbotic.

Quidamania

The feeling of waiting for something wonderful is especially exhilarating. Your heart yearns for the day to arrive, and when it does, there is this unexplainable rush through your blood which completely fills you with joy.

That's how I felt when I stood looking up where the magnificent Cirque du Soleil Big Top tent stood. Bright blue and yellow stripes splashed across the skyline, and the place was buzzling with kids, families, ang mohs, couples, and all sorts of people big and small.

I took in the postcard-perfect scene, and marvelled at the colours, the enchanting Cirque music piping in the blackground, and the colourful tents of different sizes spotting the landscape.

Waited for my friend for 20 mins! Darn - and I took a cab some more so that I wouldn't be late. Prices of the snacks there are horrendous. A bottle of mineral water costs $5! I could have bought 6 from Fairprice at the price of 80 cents each! Geez. Daylight robbery in a colourful "black" market.

Finally the girls came - Hanae and Cheryll. Hanae came with a friend called Michelle - who works in MINDEF as an admin assistant. Hanae is Cheryll's friend, a Japanese girl who got married recently to a funny Indian chap called Sham. Sometimes, Cheryll and myself will practice our jit-deh, jit-deh Japanese with her. I learnt two words yesterday - onaka suida desu (I am hungry) and and onaka ippai desu (I am full). :)

Speaking about MINDEF, I did consider joining them some time back. I am turned on by men in uniform and I always thought it will be such a divine fantasy to work among the guys from Air Force, Army and Navy. haha......

Sorry - I detracted. Anyway, coming back to Quidam, it was a great show. Like all Cirque's production, the acrobatics were stunning, the music stirring and the mood was magical.

I love watching people who work for their passion. The crew in Quidam put up their best efforts every time, for every performance, every day. Their execution of all stunts and acts are flawless, and have been mastered to perfection. I am awed and humbled just by looking at them - having a great time on stage, entertaining those who are below, and getting one hell of a support from those behind the scenes.

And when I see them dancing, running, twirling, flying and somersaulting all over the arena and the stage, I realise they must have put in their entire life, heart, soul, years of sweat, tears and pain and of course, unconditional love into this performance. This is their entire life. Their job. Their reason for existence. And this is what I call passion. Real Passion.

I came out of the show - not fully gratified however. Maybe that's because I was totally blown away by Alegria three years ago, and Quidam unfortunately paled in comparison. Alegria was more colourful, the stunts absolutely mind-blowing and the music was exquisitely sensational. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before and I was hoping Quidam would do the same for me. But somehow, when you have seen the best, everything else falls short.

Having said that, I want to reiterate that all Cirque's productions are really worth watching, not for anything else but for the people behind it who gave their all for this show to entertain. And for that, I salute and respect all of them with this photo blog of their wonderful performances.

Heaven on Sea: Part 2

Many of you must be wondering where I have disappeared to for my secret getaway.

I was at Sibu, Malaysia, soaking in the sun and the sea right in the middle of the ocean, up on a quaint authentic Kelong run by a group of young hot-blooded men – who named their fishing resort operations – HOT BOYS FISHING.

The Kelong is situated along the East Coast of Malaysia and is thus far away from any fault lines, earthquake zones and tsunami disasters. The Kelong itself has been around since 1990 which is a testament to its stability and safety. In fact, one of the young bosses told me that the best period to come would be the monsoon season, ‘cos that’s when you may be able to catch some of the best fishes!

My first fishing experience

Speaking about fishing, I for one have always thought of it as a very boring hobby. Expensive too as one has to invest in the fishing equipment, baits and all. I once joked to my friend that I have the best and cheapest hobby of all. Writing needs no other investment apart from your linguistic skills and a creative mind. All other hobbies require some form of investment – be it reading (books), singing (KTV), cycling (bike), swimming (trunks/bikini, goggles), photography (camera, prints) etc.

However, being at the kelong allows me to sample the experience of fishing, without having to fork out any money. Andy, the marketing manager at the kelong practically shoved the fishing rod to me when he heard that I have never ever fished in my entire life.

Holding the fishing rod right by the side of the kelong felt surreal. Andy helped me cast my first bait, taught me how to feel if a fish is tugging at it, and how to reel my catch in when that happens. It was quite an exhilarating and gratifying moment when I caught my very first cuttlefish. We caught two more that night.

The experience of fishing, was so simple but yet - so very extraordinary. It lingered on even after I left the place, forming unforgettable memories that I would cherished for as long as I lived.

Yummy Food!

The second day, I have my fill of mouthwatering food: Sambal sting ray, fried fish (fresh from the sea!), chicken curry, stir fry vegetables, eggs, soup and fried bee hoon. Besides fishing, reading and chatting with the staff, I have been eating non-stop ‘cos that's basically what a kelong retreat offers! I hope I have not put on any more fats around the waist!

Royal Treatment

One thing that truly touches me about the kelong is the staff. Knowing I was there by myself, they spent lots of time chatting with me, engaging me in fishing and telling me funny stories about the kelong. I have not laughed so hard in a long time.

Besides Andy, the young Kelong boss Eugene, was especially warm and hospitable. He made me feel like a Princess throughout my vacation – making sure that I eat, that I am having fun, and that I am not left alone.

He was concerned that I would feel bored - and would rope me in whenever they were playing mahjong or singing karaoke. He even took me out swimming with all the other guests at a private beach. The great thing about this is that only guests from Eugene’s kelong get to enjoy the beach because it is exclusively owned by Hot Boys Fishing. Privacy guaranteed!

I spent 4 hours sun-tanning and reading the Da Vinci Code at the kelong yesterday morning. The air was extremely crisp and fresh when I woke up at 7.30am. With the breeze stroking my hair, and the warm sun on my skin, I completed at least 30 chapters of the book! I hardly have time to do something like this – and the simplicity of it all made this moment an extremely special form of luxury.

Well, maybe you think I am bias right? So why don’t you read what other people have to say at this forum: http://www.fishingkaki.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3819

Boring? Definitely NOT!

The tranquility of being at a kelong right out in the middle of the sea would be the best reason to be here – because it gives you all the time in the world to chill out and get away from all the irritating hustle and bustle of city life.

But if you are the restless kind, and feel that you would not be able to just read and fish, then Hot Boys Fishing has set up other kinds of facilities that can help you while your time. Just so you know, including Hot Boys, there are a total of four kelongs in that vicinity. Other than the adventure and experience of rustic living, Hot Boys Fishing is the ONLY one that offers a variety of other facilities to keep their guests totally entertained.

FREE Activities

· Fishing @Kelong (guaranteed catch!)
· Swimming (at the private beach)
· Mahjong and Card Games
· Carom Board Game
· Cable TV with a full range of channels
· Island Hopping / Swimming
· Beach soccer / Volleyball

PAID Activities

· Karaoke by the sea in a private room with a computerized system containing 10,000 songs! - RM15 / Hour
· Pool Table - RM15 / Hour
· Play Station - RM5 / Hour
· BBQ (one week notice required) – RM25 / head
· Canoeing (seasonal)
· Snorkeling (seasonal)
· Boat Fishing (maximum of 7 persons per boat) – RM80 / Hour

Sounds fun?? You bet!

If you are on a shoestring budget, then try this unique getaway for less than S$100. Here’s how.

What’s the price tag?

2 days I Night Kelong Getaway

Adults – S$71 (inclusive of S$2 jetty entrance fee)
Extension – S$38 per night
Children – S$38 (regardless of how many nights they stay)

You will get:
· Lodging;
· Meals – 5 meals a day, namely basic breakfast, fresh seafood lunch; fresh seafood dinner and simple supper;
· Jetty entrance fees;
· All sea transport
· Free flow ice and sotong bait;
· Free flow coffee, tea and water; and
· All of the “Kelong Activities” mentioned above which are free of charge!

** Please note that a 50% deposit is payable on confirmation of your booking.

How do I get there?

Land transport to Hot Boys Fishing Kelong is provided by their third-party transport vendor, and subject to availability.
· Private Car – up to 3 pax @ S$135 per car
· Minibus – up to 10 pax @ S$270 per bus
· Minibus – up to 12 pax @ S$320 per bus
· Coach – up to 42 pax @ S$850 per coach

The abovementioned prices are for 2-way travel. The transport can pick you up from any location in Singapore and send you back thereafter! How convenient right?

Driving?

Should you wish to drive up on your own, the route is straight forward and easy. Hot Boys Fishing offers its own private car park, complete with security gantry, parking space and guards on 24-hour patrol. Ask Hot Boys Fishing for directions and map!

Details to Note

You should try to reach Tanjung Lehman Jetty by 9.30a.m. Which means – you have to get all your lazy asses out of Singapore around 6.30am, taking into consideration the causeway jam and traveling time of about 2 to 2.5 hours.

The kelong is a 25-minute ride from the jetty. Personally, I love the bumboat ride because you can really soak in the panoramic view of the vast ocean and let the cool icy breeze massage your face and hair. Super turn on, I must say...... Haha...

Who do you call?

Hot Boys Fishing la, not Ghostbusters!

Just in case you wanna go there on your own for a secret rendezvous, you can contact Hot Boys Fishing at:

Phone: 98803436

Email: hotboys@kelongfishing.com

Website: http://www.kelongfishing.com/ (Some of the info has not been updated yet. My blog is the most updated – at this point in time! :P)

Online booking: http://wilkit/kelongform



Kelong Getaway anyone?

So – after reading all that wonderful stuff that I have written above, are you guys itching to go already? Maybe I should organize a Bloggers’ Kelong Getaway next weekend!

Well, drop me a note and let me know if you are keen. If we can round up 10 people, here’s how much it will cost per person:

2 days 1 Night Bloggers’ Kelong Getaway for S$98 ONLY

S$71 + S$27 (transport: $270/10 pax) = S$98

A holiday for less than $100, as promised! If you would like to extend one more night, it’s only going to cost you a total of S$136 (extension at only S$38 per night)!

Meanwhile, watch this space for my story on the little accident I had @the Kelong.

…to be continued

Where Have I Been?

Many friends and readers of this blog have been asking this question. I've received many requests to re-open Hotel Solace. I have somehow created a cult following of fans - who has an insatiable appetite to know more about my life and my stories, without knowing it at all. I must be doing something right...

Took a break to relook at my life. myself. my friends. my doings and undoings. Over the last few weeks, I've heard many things. I've seen many things. I've done something.

With each experience, I've grown even more weary. Just in case you are wondering, I am not depressed. Neither am I emotional. I am just - tired. I am exhausted by work. I am drained by my family. I am burdened by friends' tragic stories. Most of all, I am disappointed by people.

I have been staying out late because I could not find the solace that I need at home. This week alone, I went home around 5a.m. for three consecutive days. I seem to take comfort in surrounding myself with people who make me laugh. Laughing is pure medication for the soul. It lifts me up, and toxins are purged through the laughter and the smiles.

Somehow, I still find it hard to blog today. But for everyone's sake, I shall try. However, this will be a really special blog. It ain't gonna make sense. For the first time since I started blogging, I have no idea what I wanted to write about. So I am just going to list down random thoughts that are swirling in my mind right now - because many many things have happened since the last time I blog, and I cannot explain everything.

For those who know me, it will make sense to you. For those who don't, maybe one day - you will know too, if you stay long enough that is.

Random Thoughts

1. "I like you, but I don't want you." Que Sara Sara. Ditto.

2. I cannot give us a chance. I cannot give you a chance. I don't think all men are scumbags. Fundamentally, we are already incompatible. I will never convert and could never reciprocate.

3. You won't be back till March 2006. That means no Christmas, birthday or New Year celebrations. I can't call you. You hardly write anymore. You are leaving for London in Oct. I think - this is really the end.

4. Thank you for the lovely blue roses and lilies. The crystal vases are absolutely gorgeous. They really resonate clearly - like you said they would. Thank you too for just being there.

5. I read your blog, girl. Men call girls "sweetie", "dearie", "love", "sweethearts", "darling" all the time. Most of the time, they use it to replace your name (which they probably cannot remember) so that it will sound like music to your ears. In short, they don't mean anything.

6. Mary Ann, Laura and Karyn. Welcome to our club. Hope to see you babes next week. :)

7. Many of you may not know, I truly love hugs and kisses. It's my Archilles' heel. And if I get hugged from the back, I'd melt.

8. My sleeping pills are running low. So is my libido.

9. Stress creates geniuses. I am highly stressed.

10. Time is Money. Money is the root of all evil. So Time is pure evil.
That's why I always have to find ways to kill it.

11. I'd lost count how many people have told me I've got a beautiful and lovely smile. I guess I should smile more because that's about the only asset I have.

The Randomness shall stop here. Can't go on...for sleep has come.

Good night my friends.

Heaven on Sea: Part 1

The view from the bumboat is breathtaking. The vast sea stretched endlessly over the expanse of the horizon and beyond, like yards and yards of silky blue linen. The water bubbled under the boat in mini frothy waves, as it chugged faithfully towards the rustic fishing resort on wooden stilts.

My heart quickened in anticipation as the structure loomed into view. This is the first time in my life that I have ever been to a kelong.

I could hardly contain my excitement as I stepped onto this no frills yet complicated infrastructure. The wooden planks creaked under my feet as I explored the authentic resort. Double-decked beds wrapped in bright colours of orange, yellow and blue bed sheets dotted the main dormitory. Plain round tables were spread out near the dining area for yummy meal times. Up against the wall is a small counter selling fishing hooks, sinkers and other fishing accessories – for those who wanna try their hand at fishing. How absolutely quaint!

Towards the far end on the left is a simple kitchen, its shelves decked with spices and seasoning of sorts, as well as all kinds of raw food which will eventually end up as piping hot food once the cook is through with them. If a guest manages to catch something from the sea during the day, the cook will even help to conjure a nice little meal out of their prized catch. Yes, it’s indeed as fresh as it gets.

As the sun began to retire into the horizon, a dark black cloak stealthily shrouded the entire sky, slowly erasing all traces of light. Almost instantly, the sea was transformed into one big mass of ebony liquid. Small lights from the neighboring kelongs speckled like silver jewels in the distance, creating a picture-perfect view.

Dinner was served – and boy, I was not expecting a feast on an isolated kelong like this. We had fried eggs, breaded prawns, stir fry vegetables, fresh steamed fish from the day’s catch, bean sprouts with salted fish and a huge bowl of soup. The spread was even more lavish than what I usually eat at home – and it’s quite mouthwatering I must say!

I spent an hour reading The Da Vinci Code on my chosen bed, which is tucked away in a cozy private corner of the dormitory. Dan Brown is quite a writer. I could hardly tear myself away from the book.

As I wasn’t really that fanatic about fishing – I decided to snoop around the kelong for a quiet spot. All I wanted to do was to sit by the edge of the platform with my laptop, giving free reign to my thoughts as I typed out this entry with my MP3s playing in the background.

The much-needed solitude, the gentle cooling breeze from the sea and the stars winking mischievously from above – came flawlessly together to provide the perfect relaxing time out for me.

Even the rhythmic lapping of the waves was amazingly therapeutic – as I sat swinging my legs by the edge of the kelong, looking out towards the sea.

Yes, I am shamelessly loving every single moment of this natural indulgence – many miles away from the highly strung city life. Out here in the middle of the ocean, you are almost totally cut off from civilization.

And that’s the intrinsic beauty of it all.



......to be continued

DECONSTRUCTION

THIS PAGE IS CURRENTLY UNDER DECONSTRUCTION.

It’s been a while since I took a break.
Thanks for staying with my blog and coming this far.

For those who stayed with me, rooted for me, and did not leave me to my own devices, I thank you - for not letting me rot by myself. Your words, time, support and encouragement were invaluable.

Herbie, Syphon, Fireborn, Bee, Matilda, Isabel, Jade Falcon. Thanks for staying by me all the way, in both good and bad times. My days and nights have been so much more bearable because you were here.

As for the others who are waiting for me to 'recover' before they could talk to or spend time with me, thanks for being there during the good times. Thanks also for showing me how far you can retreat during the bad ones. Retreated you have, and there you shall stay. The door to Hotel Solace shut behind you the day I was left behind, alone to sort myself out.

For those who stuck around - till we meet again, smile and be happy. :)

Who I Am In Your Eyes

Yen told me an interesting thing last night. Apparently, there was an article in this month's issue of Her World, where a guy claims that sweet girls make him diabetic. He added that in a recent research, for Singaporean men, "sweet and demure" top their Most Wanted list for girls.

I think I know why. The sweet and demure girl somehow never fails to melt your heart, with that vulnerability in their eyes, their smile, their words, their actions and most importantly, their saccharine sweet looks.

I have a girlfriend who's exactly like that. Everything from her looks to her voice, from her giggles to her words, from her behaviour to her personality, from her dressing to her nail colour, every part of her screams "SWEET & DEMURE". At one of our Social Networking Nights, out of a group of 5 guys who met her for the first time, 3 were completely swooning over her.

Knowing I could never be sweet and demure, I hence decided to embark on a little survey, with a completely unrepresentative sample size.

So, in my pursuit of uncovering the awful truth, I cannot help but wonder - what do guys really think about me?

Without disclosing the identities of those who took part in this li'l survey, here's what I found out about myself:

(1) Melancholic
(2) Opinionated
(3) Strong willed
(4) Sensitive
(5) Emotional
(6) Expressive
(7) Loving
(8) Sweet
(9) Attractive
(10) Magnetic
(11) Comfy (I was told that I exude comfort; very comfortable to be with)
(12) Caring
(13) Cheerful
(14) Hardworking
(15) Carefree
(16) Friendly

Some others pointed out other traits of mine - such as: Stubborn, Ambitious, Sensual, Intense, Loyal, Confident and yes, not forgetting FUNNY.

Somehow I feel they use those lovely words above because they are simply too sweet to me tell the brutal truth about myself. Put the above traits together, you may actually get a very desirable woman! But that is so far from the truth, painted by such poignant words from very forgiving friends.

I do appreciate all these beautiful and politcally correct comments. I am sure there are more, and if you want to contribute to the infamous list above, let me know. I will put it up and ponder over it. I am not even totally sure that those attributes mentioned above belong to me. As much as they can boost one's self-esteem, they also made me wonder if I really do exhibit these traits - consciously or otherwise.

Hence, I searched my soul once again for an answer, looking into the depths of my heart.

No answer lies there.

Heartbreak Hotel

If every year is an episode from a sitcom, 2006 for me would be titled "Hurting Men".

I have no idea why it is so, but in a span of 8 months, I met 3 of such men. Has the Lord send them my way for a reason, a season or a lifetime? What was the purpose of placing me in their paths - to be a friend in need, a listening ear, or a passing cloud? Or maybe, a solace-filled resting stop?

James was first in line. He's got 4 girlfriends, who left him for one of two reasons. It's either his job, or for some other men. The last one was a single parent with a kid. He was with her for 5 years, gave her all his time and heart, took care of her kid and loved him like his own. She dumped him for an Aussie and totally crushed him inside out. When I met him, he was still reeling from the pain. I could only provide a listening ear, and a place for him to rest and heal without having to feel obligated to me. And so I did, before he checked out for Qatar.

Then I met Ronin. I call him an educated Ah-Beng. He's so not your sensitive new age guy like James. He's gruff, he's nonchalant, he's got a whole slew of Hokkien profanities in his vocabulary. But he also speaks very well, is effectively bilingual and has a kind heart. He's funny too, but beneath all that, his hurt ran so deep that he became totally non-commital to anyone. He came home from work one day, and saw his best friend and his girl friend making out in his house, in his bedroom, on his bed. Triple betrayal. What can I say? Ronin, unlike James, hardly confides. He puts on this air of nonchalance, and takes life each day as it comes. He does not need love nor a listening ear. He just wants company. And he found Hotel Solace in me - checking in and out whenever he pleases, for a good laugh or a simple dinner.

Hotel Solace received a 3rd guest recently. Danny checked in many months ago, with baggages loaded with issues. The struggles rendered him hopeless, and he checked out the day after, dragging with him the burdens that he came with and did not appear again until a few weeks ago. He faced similar issues as the two men above, and needed to take a vacation, but Hotel Solace proved to be quite a challenge for him. Or so he claims. Why? Because I am Hotel Solace, and in this case, it would be easier for him to rise beyond his problems if I was just a passing cloud. Checking in for a second time, his suitcase seems lighter. But I've got a feeling - a hunch, that his issues are yet to be fully resolved. I can feel his angst beneath his tough exterior, and the hopelessness in his smile. Somehow I know, that those issues are merely swept under an expensive pool table. But if that is his form of closure, who am I to question?

I will just be the friend in need, standing by the reception counter - for him and all other hurting men that the Lord has placed in my life. Why? Like I said before - I have no idea.

Fairytale

I love Faeries. They exude a sense of peace, and are always surrounded by an unseen aura of sensuality and serenity. An epitome of beauty - and silent strength.

At times, I feel like the faerie in the picture above. My wings are tired from flying. My soul weary, my spirit ebbing away and I feel naked and pained. I want a resting place, even if it meant perching on top of a toadstool. The resting place is not as important as the act of resting itself.

Then there are times I feel spirited, my wings spread to take on the world. I can soar above all heights. I feel the winds beneath my wings and the moonlight on my back, lifting me higher and taking me further and further away from everything that is holding me back.

Faeries usually hang out in the woods, far away from the sight of men. Which is not a surprise, considering how we corrupt the world.

I felt cold, but the moon showered warmth tenderly over me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I was trying to heal, but the wounds no longer hurt. I almost wish I could live my life again, but i have no regrets.

And like the faerie, I am hiding in the enchanting woods right now, basking in sweet solitude - and waiting to hear the songs of the trees.

American Soap

I was chatting with a guy 8 years my junior recently - about relationships and stuff. He was lamenting about how he feels stifled when his girlfriend gets upset whenever he spends time with his pals.

I stopped at that point to take stock of myself. Have I ever been like that to my ex-boyfriend (s)? Was I possessive? When will we ever learn to love someone for who they are instead of trying to change them the moment we become a couple?

My friends asked if I am going to get myself a date soon. Having been single after a heartwrenching breakup four years ago, I could not bring myself to answer. Not that I have the answer anyway.

I expressed my concerns about relationships. I felt that I have wasted my time on that relationship four years ago - because it ended anyway despite all the time, efforts and feelings that I've so painstakingly invested. His view however, was that if one has not invested 100% feelings into a relationship, it will be doomed for failure right from day one.

The thing is, for me, investing 100% in a relationship may not necessary yield satisfactory returns. Like any other investments, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes, as in my case, you lose heavily. But unlike money, you cannot earn those feelings back. Once they have been invested, they're probably gone forever once that relationship ends.

My cynicism on ever finding any true relationship which I can invest 100% of my love is further heightened by the fact that I have many friends who were cheating on their partners. I cannot help but wonder - if love is what completes a person, why is it a worthy investment for some, and a losing bet for others?

Didn't these people marry out of love? Didn't they vow till death do us part? Life as one entity has barely begun and they were already starting to contemplate the "D" word.

On the front, they seemed like the perfect couple - which I always felt only exist in Hollywood movies and fairytales. But like a scene from The O.C. and Desperate Housewives combined, things are not always what they seemed.

I guess that's why I am still single. :)

Giggles of the Day

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

I Should Be So Happy

I usually like to pride myself for being an optimistic pessismist. I am pessismistic by nature - but have over the years learn to take things lightly, laugh over my mistakes, make a fool of myself to make my friends laugh and to just enjoy life each and every day - no matter how hard life has been to me.

I have also learnt that the most effective way to stay contented and happy even though you are down in the doldrums is to praise the Lord all the time, for everything that's happening in my life. That way, even when I am having an extremely trying day, I am still grateful.

Hence, over the years, I've developed some Rena's "life philosophies".

1. Don't let anyone who does not mean anything to you bring you down. Hence, I would only feel hurt if someone dear to me let me down - i.e. close friends, family, boyfriend etc. Any other extras who fall outside of this category can do whatever they want to me, I will just refuse to accord them the power to hurt me. The more they try, the more I shut them out.

2. There's no such thing as a bad day. Bad days to me, are actually "character building" days. So if I'm going through a rough patch today, it's definitely a character building day. Lord works in His ways to polish and refine me to something better.

3. Alcohol and cigarettes are depressants. Music and friends are spirit boosters. Pick your poison.

4. When you feel extremely depressed and discouraged, remember that there will always be someone who's ten times worse off than you. Life still goes on for them, so why not you?

5. Courage is not a lack of fear. It is the act of facing up to your problems even in the presence of fear. Be positive about yourself - what do you have to lose anyway?

I can probably go on and on to create an ala David Letterman's Top 10s. But you probably got the gist. Life is short - so work smart, play hard and count your blessings more than your misfortunes. You will soon discover more reasons to smile...

Thank You For The Music

Music is a great healer. Not only is it hailed as a universal language (next to sex), it is an amazing antidote to many life's challenges.

When I wanna express how much my girl friends mean to me, Michael W Smith serenaded me with an apt rendition of Friends.

The day my ex walked away from my life, I cried to the beautiful sounds of Expose - I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.

When the going gets rough, I was comforted by Hacken Lee's upbeat Canto pop Red Sun.

My pent-up angst and frustration was released as I screamed through Linkin' Park's In The End.

I Will Survive brought me out of days filled with frustration and agony.

And no matter what happens, Over The Rainbow will always calm my edgy soul.

There is always a song for any chapter in my life. The good times and the bad ones. Music has been an integral part of who I am - because it speaks volumes of feelings that I cannot otherwise express, and tales which I can never tell anyone.

Music describes my emotions, my moods, my sufferings, my joys and whatever I was going through at a point in time. I feel moved, understood, loved and comforted - and a mixed bag of other feelings all at the same time, and words cannot describe how music has healed me over the years when I was struggling, grappling and gasping - for a less painful life.

All I can say is - Thank you for the music.

My Secret Sanctuary

If there's anything that I love doing more in the world than sleeping, it would have to be writing.

A writer, like any other person with artistic abilities, is temperamental. Eccentric. Creative. Highly emotional. Sensitive.

These are the qualities that I can live with. Because I love to create something out of nothing.

Spin a fairytale where I can escape into and live happily ever after.

Pen a poem when I am inspired, or when words elude me verbally.

Write a masterpiece to influence the lives of some - and touch the hearts of others.

Vent my feelings and let the emotions flow so that I may be released from the complex thoughts that are constantly plaguing whatever's left of my mind.

I write because the words in print mean that my inner most secrets and treasures can be immortalized in a physical form.

I write because I cannot suppress an outburst of my ideas. I write because people, things and events around me inspire me.

I write because I feel and because I emphatize.

I write because I have been touched, and because I am grateful.

I write because I am filled with love, or otherwise drowned in sadness.

I write because I can affect you, or because you've made an impact in my life.

I write because I can and because I want to. Read my writings and hope they'll inspire you. Welcome to my secret sanctuary - The Starlite Cafe.

Faith In The First Degree

I read an article on the Spirit of Faith. Faith, according to the Scripture,...is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses] (Hebrews 11:1).

I think this is a very powerful message. How many times, I wonder, have I allow my faith to dwindle every time I face an obstacle in life? Did I give up? Did I perservere? When I gave up, was it with an open heart or was I embittered?

It's never easy to have faith when you are down and out, broken and hurt, discouraged and disappointed. But I do believe that faith restores a person, and it's really up to us how we can perpetuate this into our lives - no matter how rough the going is.

The article pointed out the tremendous importance of not only believing God's Word, but also speaking God's Word. The type of words we speak determines the type of power that influences our lives!

What many people did not realise that by speaking and repeating negative words of discouragement, despair, defeat, and the like, we get into agreement with the devil and open the door for him to produce the very conditions of the words we are speaking.

But when we consistently and persistently speak the promises of God, we get into agreement with Him and open the door for His promises to become reality.

"We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak." - 2 Corinthians 4:13

If you are feeling lost, down, and totally worthless at this point in time, I hope this poem of mine can be of help. If it touches you, drop me a comment. :)

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."

BELIEVE

Believe that Love heals everything
And takes away all pain
Believe that Grace has been given
So that we can live again

Believe that Hope keeps you going
Whenever you feel low
Believe that Faith will take you there
‘Cause in your heart it grows

Believe that Peace is bestowed upon you
To give your soul some rest
Believe that Joy is yours forever
So live life to the best

Believe that people happen for a reason
Some to make your life complete
Believe that the Lord is near always
And He knows just what you need

© 2005 Rena Tan. All rights reserved.

Vitamin "V"

It's been a super hectic week. I have been given a new portfolio at work - and since Monday - I have been working my fleshy ass off. But the work's really exciting, and I cannot wait to start on the projects that I have been tasked to do. From movie premieres, to concerts, from award shows to branded parties such as ZoukOut and Ibiza, I can envision lots of adrenaline-pumping events ahead!

But of course, that new portfolio comes with a new formula.
More work = Sleep deprivation x more severe insomnia + more sleeping pills.

Valium has become my daily dose of vitamin. I seriously need to sleep more.

Which I will be doing today, so my blog will be short and sweet. From tomorrow onwards, I will be transferring all my past ravings from an old blog to this one. Why would one need two blogs anyway? Might as well show all aspects of moi in one secret sanctuary.

By the way, I love great people like C.S Lewis, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller and many significant others - simply because they all have one thing in common. They have the ability to dish out life's little idiosyncracises in the simplest form - many of which can keep me wide awake at night sometimes.

Here's a cute little sample "parting shot" for you to mull over before I return soon with more of my life's saga.

"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends." - Benjamin Franklin

Testosterone Overdose

Friday night. August 12, 2005.

I was awfully sloshed that night. It's been a year since I organized such a large party.

The last time I drank myself silly was my farewell party when I decided to leave MTV. Alan from Shin Bar kept the drinks coming and we were swimming in mixers, shots, tequillas, martinis etc. I was in such high spirits that the moment I got home, I heaved my foot up into the kitchen sink with the intention of washing it there. That should be the highlight of my mundane life.

Friday night was equally memorable. The party @Barnone was initially hinged on one great purpose. I planned to introduce a pretty single babe friend of mine, to an equally charming guy buddy. But it would be awkward if there were only three of us. So I started inviting some guys and my regular group of single babe friends (which I may introduce in another blog soon!). The guys started bringing friends and all hell broke loose.

From an initial group of 7 guys and gals, the party exploded to a party of 11 guys and 6 girls. How did that happen - I seriously don't have a clue. But I must admit, it was one great party with all that testosterone swirling around us girls.

The guys' hitlist includes:
1. Roy (my MSN friend) with his three friends, Kevin, Winston and Steven
2. Gary (my fav male buddy!!) and friend Justin
3. David (a marketing partner) and friend Kim Min
4. Jin (my colleague from Nighspots dept - he got us the table at Barnone) and Jeffery (whose last day at STB was that Fri)
5. William - Jin's friend
6. Jack (my closest male buddy)
7. Joshua (someone who's been hanging out at my Exclusive Singles Babe Club in recent weeks. Lucky bugger!)

I was quite amused by this interesting mix of men. One guy spent the whole night tucking himself into the corner of the wall, obviously shy with all the girls around. Another bloke was so caught up with some big business - busy sms-ing throughout the night to some imaginary hot chick. The rest of the predators were milling around the girls, chatting them up, offering drinks, and shaking their butts to the music of Douglas O.

Yes. It's one wild party MINUS the orgies. Plus a little drama thrown in as well for good measure, but I won't be recounting that because it's not meant for public consumption. :P

So being the hostess and 'mamasan', I flitted around performing my duties of introducing everyone, drinking as I go along. Whiskeys, red wine, shots, beers - they somehow found their way into my glass. Before I knew it, my knees went weak. And yes, that very night, I adorned the beautiful marble floor tiles of Marriott Hotel lobby with a beautiful, reddish puke pattern. Quite ingenious I must say.

My friends told me later that they totally enjoyed this "singles" night out. I may seriously consider doing a few more of such "Singles NetPartying Sessions".

And maybe this time, I might learn to stay sober.