Things That Make Me Happy :)

Jade Falcon recently started a blog entry on "Things I Like." Thought it was a pretty cool idea and would like to try out my own version here today. If you are a blogger, do one for your blog too so that we can all get to know one another better! :)

Well, since I am quite easy to please, there are not many things that I don't like. So I decided to blog on things that "make me happy". Here goes....

1. Writing

Writing remains my #1 passion of all time. It is where I express words I cannot otherwise say, thoughts that I cannot otherwise reveal, and feelings that I cannot otherwise share. The literary world consumes my imagination and spurs me to create works that distinctly bears my character, personality and perceptions. It defines who I truly am, liberates what I try to suppress and shapes what I can become.

I love writing poems. I blog. I have tried writing songs. I have written a short novel once. I will continue to write as long as the passion continues to burn. I hope I can publish my own novel one day - and I wish that day will not be too far away. If you want my autograph, better ask for it now before I become famous! Haha.....


2. Music

Well, I have no talents in this field whatsoever. Could play a li'l organ here and there, but that's about it. Would love to accomplish my dream of learning the piano one day - so I can write my own songs. But music absolutely makes me happy.

I love all kinds of genre:

- Rock music (Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Guns 'N' Roses, Beyond)
- Instrumental (S.E.N.S, Chris Spheeris, Narada)
- Opera (IL Divo, Andrea Borcelli, Josh Groban, The Three Tenors)
- Pop (Linkin' Park, Hoobastank)
- Ballads (Emi Fujita, Air Supply)
- Canto and Mandarin Pop (Sammi Cheng, A-mei)
- Jazz (Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald, French Jazz, Norah Jones)

To date, I have a collection of over 400 CDs - and still growing. Every kind of genre pulls my heartstrings in its own unique way. Music has really been a huge part of my life - and has also been as much a healing experience as writing.


3. Books

Books are the third great pillar of my life. I could not remember a time when I do not have a book in my hand. There were photos of me reading when I was as young as 3 years old! I have a library of close to over 200 books and comics now and my dream of a lifetime is to have my own house with a beautiful rosewood library filled with books from the floor to the ceiling. I will die a happy woman in this room....


4. Gadgets

YES! Gadgets, toys, consumer electronics are absolutely my favourites. I can swoon for hours over the latest mobile phone, PC, laptop, MP3 players, plasma TV, digital camera, turntable, speakers, hi-fi systems, wireless music streaming devices.... the list just goes on and on. Set me loose in a shop filled with gadgets and you will have me transfixed there for hours. I would be so completely hypnotized by all the cool toys in front of me that I'll be totally oblivious to you. :P


5. Movies

This is the world where most of us would often escape into. The world of make-believe, the world where good triumps over evil, the world where fantasies are created, the world where love precedes everything else in life.

Movies inspire me a lot - and there are times where one film would light a creative spark and bring out the poet in me. 11:55 is one such poem, totally inspired by the movie "Girl Interrupted".


6. Faeries

I am not sure when I started falling in love with these fantasy characters. Maybe deep inside me, I do yearn to be like the faery - carefree, kind, strong, magical, and beautiful both inside and outside. I want to have wings that will take me to the furthest ends of the universe. I want to be able to sprinkle miracles on those who needed help. I want to be able to change the world - and make it a better place.

I want to be a faery.


7. Food

Food could provide exquisite tangible and intangible comforts, you know? It not only satisfies your primal need - hunger - but at the same time, the right kind of food can so tantalize your tastebuds and make you want more.

Whatever they say about men, the way through my heart is exactly the same. Feed me. :)


8. Men

Though they are the major cause of many heartaches and tears, I do enjoy the company of men. Intelligent, witty and mature men. Men who make me laugh. Men who pamper me to no end. Men who put up with my idiosyncracies. Men who romance me. Men who keep their cool even when I lose mine. Men who are tender and kind. Men who are loyal. Men who are loving. Men who know what they want and what they have to do to get it.

They come in all shapes and sizes and different forms. Some are friends. Some are dates. Some are admirers. Some become lovers. One will eventually be my husband.

It's simply wonderful being a single girl for now.


9. Hobbies

There's little doubt that hobbies can make one really happy. These are some games/sports/activities that I love to indulge in whenever I have the luxury of time and/or money.

- Word Games: Scrabble. Boggle. I realized I'm actually quite good at word games. Open to challenges anytime.
- Sports: Cycling. Swimming. Bowling
- Singing: I am the undisputable KTV Queen!
- Web surfing: For news, creative ideas, blogs, games and other super duper cool stuff
- Concerts/Plays: Expensive hobby indeed, but shows my cultured and artistic side, doesn't it?


10. The Lord

I owe everything in my life to the Alpha and the Omega. Without Him, I am nothing. There's nothing more I could say about the greatest LOVE of my life.

= : : =

There you have it. Ten things that make me HAPPY. Check out the list of my faves below for what will make me really, really, really freaking happy!

Fav Food: Laksa, Chilli/Black Pepper crab, Curry, Tom Yum Gung (in short - anything spicy!)
Fav Movie: Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Fav Show(s): Crime Scene Investigation, Law & Order, Sex and The City, Boston Legal
Fav Book: Whitney My Love by Judith McNaught
Fav Song: Tong Hua (Fairytales) by Guang Liang
Fav Actor: Brad Pitt
Fav Singer: Emi Fujita
Fav Flower: Lilies
Fav Gadget: iPod
Fav Man: My dad


So do you know me better now?

Confessions (of A Simple Girl)

If I’m granted but just one wish
There’s nothing I’d want more
I want to be
The woman of your dreams

If the world should end today
There’s no one I’d loved more
I will love you
And that’s enough for me

You may not believe
How much you mean to me
I only want to be the girl
Who’d love you for eternity
Though I may fail
But try I will
I’ll never go
As long as you’re in my life

If I’m given but just one chance
There’s nowhere I’d long to be
I long to be
The lover in your arms

If the sun should set tonight
There’s nobody I’d miss more
I will miss you
Wish I could turn back time

You may not feel it
How much love I can give
I only want to be the girl
Who’d be where you’ll be
Though I may fall
But through it all
I’ll be there
As long as you’re here with me

That’s how much
My love for you truly is
I may never be
The girl you want to me to be
I’ll still love you
Because I am me
Because you are he

And because,

I am what I am
No one can love you more than me.

© 2005 Elvina. All rights reserved.

(Inspired by IL Divo's "The Man You Love")

"I only wanna be the man, to give you everything I can,

Every day and every night, Love you for all my life.

I don't wanna change the world, as long as you're my girl.

It's more than enough....

Just to be the man you love."

GEEK Guide - v 1.0

By now, all of you should know that I am a gadget freak. I will put up some cool links from time to time on cool gadgets, toys and paper crafts for you guys to check out. There are stuff for girls too - so don't sulk ya?

So here it is - the first edition of Geek Guide v 1.0. Get ready to be wowed!

For the DUDES:

1. Beer-O-Matic Retro Vending Machine

This is a dream vending machine! Put in all your Coke and beer cans into this retro gadget and throw a party at home or in your office! One of the most COOLEST coolers I have seen so far.

(featured on PerpetualKid.com)

2. Shocking Liar

As the name suggest, you are looking at an ultra sleek lie detector! Play FBI with your friends and get a game of Truth or Dare going. Remember the truth hurts - but if you lie, you are in it for a shock - literally! Extremely useful on cheating spouses and lovers.

(Disclaimer: We accept no responsibility for any inaccurate, or accurate readings that may lead to marital, work, or personal disputes!)

3. Mini Billards and Mini Bowling Games

If you can't get away to the pool hall, Billiards in a Box and the Mini Tenpin Bowling are great desktop entertainment! Entertain yourself when the boss's away. Great for ridding yourself of those Monday blues.

For the DUDETTES:

1. Miss Army Knife

To compete in the real world, you gotta be equipped. The Miss Army Knife complete field artillery kit that looks like an innocent Swiss Army Knife! It has a flashlight, keychain, needle and thread, safety pin, corkscrew, pen, tweezers, bottle opener, screwdriver, scissors, ruler, nail file, perfume bottle, mirror, pill box, and knife!

(featured on MissArmyKnife.com)

2. Chocolate Fountain

Though I don't have a sweet tooth, I know many of you girls have a weakness for chocolates. Enjoy the indulgent experience of a chocolate fountain in the comfort of your own home. Friends and family will be amazed as they dip fruits and biscuits into the warm, cascading Belgian Chocolate to create chocolate covered delicacies. Just fill the base with melted chocolate, turn on the motor and experience pure chocolate heaven.....Yummy!

(featured on PerpetualKid.com)

3. Candy Grabber

Check out this fantabulous Candy Grabber! It doubles up as a savings bank so you can have fun while you save! Simply fill it with your favourite grabbable treats, drop in a coin or token and attempt to capture your prize before the whimsical music stops. You can even earn some money by enticing your guests to have a go at it. It's simply as addicitive as the one in the arcades!

(featured on Firebox.com)

That's it for the first edition! There are more from where these cool gadgets came from! Click on the pictures to take you right to their websites.

I will feature more cool stuff next weeK. If you are looking for gift ideas, drop me an email and see what I can pull together for you.

Meanwhile, Christmas is coming round the corner. You guys know what to get me now! Haha....

P.S. Bee - Hope this color scheme and the larger fonts will help you read my post better! :P

Love on Rebound

A friend of mine has requested that I blog something on rebound. Yup - the all too familiar word for those who are 'fresh' out of love.

What constitutes a rebound? When does it start? When does it end? How do you differentiate it from true love? Can a rebound lead to something more?

Quite frankly, I am no Dr. LoveAlot. Questions like these stupefied me just as much. The answers elude me just the same. But I guess since I have been in more rebound relationships than real ones, I should be able to dig into my crumply Rebound sack and fling out some useful nuggets of wisdom.

When I was very much younger, I found it difficult to be alone. Not that I am trying to find excuses for myself, but I do think that it might have something to do with losing my dad at a very young age. I have always been the apple of his eye, and his death just stripped everything away that I once possessed. His love. His attention. His time. His company.

Hence, I surrounded myself with people who loved me. Obviously, most of them happened to be boys. I jumped from one relationship into another, seeking the love and attention that I so desperately crave for. Every time one relationship ended, there would be another waiting to start. I could not remember a time when I was alone. The thought was too much to bear.

That kind of behaviour, was undoubtedly screaming "REBOUND" in big, bold capital letters with neon bulbs flashing all round.

The thought of ending a relationship often hurls us deep into the depths of helplessness and despair. Hence, during that period, you'd feel most lonely. The least desired. And very unwanted.

Along comes someone who seems to understand what you are going through emotionally. You feel as if you can connect with that person who is spending time with you. Not only do you stop feeling bad about the relationship that soured, you are actually entertaining thoughts on this new person who's paying attention to you.

At this point, you would probably think that you have found yet another person you can entrust your feelings with.

Hold your horses, my friend.

Whatever you are feeling right now could not possibly be real. The heart is still reeling from a break up. Your vulnerability is exposed. You've lost that lovely feeling which left a huge gaping void in your life. You needed to know you are not that hopeless.

Unknown to you, these cavities have formed a huge ominous curtain of deception over your eyes. The need for company and approval might be so overwhelming that you could easily misread the signals. If you think your feelings are being awakened by this new found relationship, it's probably time to re-tune your antenna.

I would say 99% of the time, when the fog lifted, you will realised those feelings are horrendously misplaced in a moment of weaknesses. That's when terms like rebound love, rebound sex, and rebound "whatever" find their way into the Oxford dictionary. Once you start defining it, everything seems clearer.

Not that rebounding is bad. Everything is ok as long as no one gets hurt. A rebound helps one to get over pain and loss faster than you can say "What the hell have I done?" But if feelings are involved, things get a li'l bit complicated.

IMAGINE:
If one party is on the rebound and the other is genuine, that's clearly a recipe for disaster.

If both parties are on the rebound wagon, you've got a one-way ticket to Splitsville. Two's not always company. That's how some great friendships are ran over and wrecked in such freak accidents.

- Right person, right place, wrong timing.
- Right person, right timing, wrong place
- Wrong person, right place, right timing
- Wrong person, wrong place, right timing
- Right person, wrong place, wrong timing

I could blabber on and give you 10,000 more permutations to prove how the hypothesis of rebounds could potentially be damaging and irreversible. But it's really unnecessary because I believe most of you are not stupid. You might be blind and delusional, but you are definitely not dumb if you have read this far.

So my take on falling headlong into another relationship when you have just got out of one is - DON'T DO IT. Not unless you have suicidal tendencies.

Take your time, what's the hurry? If both of you are truly fond of each other, you will still feel the same when the Cloud of Doubt passes. And if you don't, at least you've got yourself another friend.

That's the logical me talking. There are times when I am not so sure myself if I could see beyond the blurred boundaries. One of my favourite quotes of all time speaks of this dilemma:

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be explained by logic or reason, but they must be felt by the heart."

And boy, do I have a treacherous heart.

My Dynasty Warrior

I remember the days when I played Romance of the Three Kingdoms - it was so addictive that I didn't sleep for days and nights because I was so engrossed in conquering nations, battling enemies and forging allies.

Came across this cool little quiz on Jade's website - which analyzes the kind of Dynasty Warrior that you are.

So I took the quiz and here's the analysis - I am Zhuge Liang, the legendary military strategist! Exactly the character that I would have chosen when I am playing the 3 Kingdoms!

Take the quiz and let me know who you are. This will not take you more than a minute, I promise! :)

Have fun.......

Cool Blog Tools

For those of you who are into blogging like moi, it's always wise to back up your files. If you are using Word, or w.bloggar or WordPress, you wouldn't have a problem as your files would be saved in another format anyway.

But if you are blogging your entire life through Blogger's interface, I would strongly recommend that you back up your entries using this cool software called the Website Copier. The software allows you to download a World Wide Web site from the Internet to a local directory, building recursively all directories, getting HTML, images, and other files from the server to your computer. This means that it creates a mirror website of your blog, so that you can also view it offline. Simply open a page of the "mirrored" website in your browser, and you can browse the site from link to link, as if you were viewing it online.

You would also have noticed that I have a li'l new item on my blog. It's a subscription service which allows my readers to subscribe to my blog and be updated via email every time I put up a new entry! Install Bloglet on your blog if you like to keep your friends updated on your blog entries.

Last but not least, if you are looking to change the look and feel of your blog, check out BlogSkins, Blogfrocks and Primp My Blog. You can find many original creations from people who simply have too much time on their hands! :)

Being the geek that I am, you can be sure I will be surfing for more cool stuff. Watch this space.

Project Faerytales

Many years ago, I set up a chat channel on IRC called Fairytales - with the purpose and intent of putting together a group of chatters and friends who can be activated for ad hoc community projects and volunteer work.

It was pretty successful back then. One of the projects we did was to organize a Telematch + Party on Children's Day for HELP. HELP stands for Help Every Lone Parent, an organization dedicated to offer assistance and support to children from single-parent families. For most of these kids, their mother or father has either passed away, or serving time in jail for some crime or drug abuse.

I rounded up 8 people from Fairytales, who had to take leave from work just to do this. Their enthusiam was extremely admirable. It was tough work coordinating the entire event and keeping the kids entertained the whole day from 9am to 5pm, but it was absolutely fruitful and gratifying. When the kids hugged and kissed us after the event, all of us were touched and happy beyond words.

There was another time when another group of chatters was activated to paint the classrooms in the school for the Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore. We had so much fun because in the midst of painting the walls, we were splattering paint on each another as well!

The chatters from Fairytales never fail to offer their help, whenever there is a need. Besides giving their time, they were equally generous with their money. They were more than willing to contribute when I was raising money for the School Pocket Money Fund to help kids who needed money to go to school.

Fairytales is not only a chat channel where we hang out and interact, but also a platform for the chatters to meet and have fun in more meaningful ways than watching a movie or having a meal.

Over time, Fairytales became less active. Some of the chatters left because they got attached. Some got enlisted into the army. Others were busy with their studies and exams. As for myself, my workload increased and hence, I have less time to manage the channel.

Looking back, I wish I had done more to keep the spirit of volunteerism alive. Often, it is easy to use time, or the lack of it, as an excuse for not offering our help. I believe if I have time to blog, party, watch a movie, or hang out at Coffee Club for hours with friends, then I do actually have time to offer help to people who are less fortunate.

Hence, I would like to revive Project Faerytales - through a brand new medium. My Blog.

Though this blog was not set up for this purpose, I believe it could be a good avenue to start what I have done before. Through this blog, I have made some new friends. Like the chatters from Fairytales, most of you stumbled upon my world, not knowing who I am.

Over time, you got to know me better through my musings and ramblings. Through it all, you stayed and visited regularly, something which I've never expected when I first started blogging. I have always thought that nobody would be interested in my life, but you guys have proven otherwise. Knowing that many of you are reading this blog, every day, moves me deeply. And knowing that I may have a chance to influence you through this blog, gives me hope. :)

If you are reading this, just know you are already part of Project Faerytales by being here. Any kind of help that you can offer, no matter how small, would be equally valued and appreciated.

The first task at hand I have for Project Faerytales is to raise funds for the victims of the South Asia's deadly earthquake. According to the latest reports, the death toll has reached 79,000. The United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) has warned 10,000 more children could die from hunger, cold and disease in coming weeks because aid has still not reached parts of quake-hit Pakistan. Millions of people are still homeless.

As winter approaches, many more would die from the cold as they camp out among the debris with only the clothes left on their backs. Many are still in need of medical treatment. Survivors, especially the kids, could face the risk of hypothermia as winter snows begin settling on mountain peaks.

Everyone of us can make a difference. Your contribution will help provide things like food, water, blankets, medicine, tents and other critically needed items.

If you are willing to contribute, I would urge you to pledge any amount from S$50 onwards. However, no contribution is too small so I would still collect any amount of money that you can offer. I would also like to encourage you to help me raise more funds by asking your friends/family to contribute.

Kindly leave me a note or email me if you are keen to help. If you have collected money from friends and family members, please help me take down their names so that we can document each and every contribution.

I'd arrange a time to meet up with each of you to collect the money, or arrange for bank transfers, if you don't mind. 100% of the money raised will be given to Worldvision, a Christian relief and development organisation working for the well being of all people, especially children.

You can click on the following links for more information.
www.worldvision.org
http://www.worldvision.org.sg/media/current_disaster.html

If any of you has strong objections on Worldvision, do let me know. I can arrange for all contributions to be sent to the Pakistani Embassy instead.

For those of you who are participating in this very first Project Faerytales, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Every little offer or help counts.

" We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." - Ronald Reagan

Dark Secrets

Everyone has a secret.

I am sure you do too.

So do I.

But if you think I am gonna reveal my darkest secrets here on my blog, you are very wrong. Haha. :)

I actually want to introduce a very interesting website to you today. Why I love this site is because it is based on an extremely simple yet marvellously creative concept. It is widely successfuly (in my opinion) because it banks on the fact that every one of us has a skeleton (or many skeletons!) in our closet. And that somewhere deep down inside us, we are dying to tell someone!

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

You are invited to anonymously contribute your secrets to PostSecret. Each secret can be a regret, hope, funny experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, erotic desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before.

I've read some of these secrets that were mailed in, and some are indeed quite mind-blowing! This site has received so many postcard secrets that it has published them into a book. The postcards themselves have become art exhibits and collectors' items!

Here is a sneak preview of some of my "favourite" secrets. Check out the actual site for more archives.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Soulmates

The notion of soulmates fascinates me.

Does every one have a pre-destined soulmate?

What is the possibility of us finding that person?

Will the soulmate be the person we eventually marry, or do we go ahead and tie the knot, knowing very well that our partner may not be the soulmate that we are looking for?

Is it possible that we will go through our entire life not ever knowing who our soulmate is?

Could it also mean that if we miss a chance to be with our soulmate, we will never find another one again?

It is wonderful to know that a person like a soulmate exist. Someone who probably knows you more than you know yourself. Someone who knows what you are feeling just by being near you. Someone who knows what you are thinking of - even when you don't say a word. Someone who surprises you by doing the same things you are thinking of doing. Someone who knows exactly how you want to be loved. Someone who is always there - even when he's not physically there.

But if truth is that there can only be one soulmate for every person in a lifetime, then it would be tragic for someone like me. Because, deep inside me, I know I have found my soulmate - and lost him I did too.

Dan begged to differ. He felt that a person's soulmate would ultimately have to be the person you marry. Your wife or husband should be your soulmate.

The issue now is the word "should". Of course, given an ideal situation, who wouldn't yearn to fall in love with someone, who so happens to be the soulmate you have been searching for all your life, and end up in perpetual marital bliss?

I hate to stress this - but that is really an ideal situation.

More often than not, the person we fall for may not even be that soulmate. Could jolly well be an abusive boyfriend, a liar, or an incorrigible womanizer. Same goes for the one we marry.

I told Dan that I believe I have already found my soulmate in Leon. He asked me if Leon was that person for me, why did he end up cheating on me?

The answer is in fact, very simple. Leon might be my ultimate soulmate, but he wasn't the perfect partner. A wonderful lover might not necessary be your soulmate either. Having a soulmate as your eventual partner is an ideal situation, remember?

Leon was a soulmate in many ways.

He always seemed to know when I was feeling down and never failed to be there for me - no matter how late it was. He would be the friend to shoulder all my burdens and worries. He was the patient boyfriend who put up with all my flaws and shortcomings. He felt my pain even when I didn't say a thing. He laughed when he saw the twinkle in my eye. Many nights, we would sit in silence, and communicate with each other using nothing but non-verbal cues. Time and again, he would overwhelm me with his ability to read my mind in a way no one else could.

Leon also knew what made me tick. There were times when he would call - just when I was feeling lonely. When we were only friends, he knew exactly when I would be needing company - and he would avail himself on those days. As good buddies, we would spend special occasions like Christmas, Valentine's Day and New Year together simply because both of us were unattached.

When we were a couple, he would indulge in my whims and fancies - such as shopping for groceries, cooking and baking - like what any old loving couple would do in their retirement years. Occasionally, he would suddenly grab my waist - right in the middle of the supermarket aisle - and lead me into a slow dance, cheek to cheek - to the melodies of the piped-in music. And yes, these are exactly the kind of surprises he knew would thrill me to no end.

And that was the kind of soulmate Leon had been to me. He only fell short because he could not be the faithful partner that I wanted.

But that does not mean he could not be faithful at all. It only meant that the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with - just wasn't me. In fact, he is still very much in love with the girl he left me for - 5 years ago.

I know - because I saw their loving photos on Friendster. And they really looked very happy together.

Now that my soulmate has come and gone - where does that leave me? Does that mean any guy that I end up with in the near future will always fall short of being my soulmate? With Leon being the benchmark, is it even possible for anyone to read me like he can? In so many ways?

Maybe I should stop searching for a soulmate - because I might just be setting myself up for more disappointments than anything else.

Maybe what I need is someone really sincere.

Someone who sincerely loves me with all his heart and soul. And even if that person is not a soulmate, it does not matter anymore because eventually, true love that binds two people will take precedence over the fluffy concept of "soulmates".

The lesson of Leon should be enough to prove that having a soulmate who could not be true to you - is as good as not having him at all.

"Friends will keep you sane,

Love could fill your heart,

A lover can warm your bed,

But lonely is the soul without a mate."

- David Pratt

A New Look!

LaoNiang is back with a vengeance!

How do you guys like the new look? I've searched the entire web for a really nice skin for my blog and finally found this template. Kind of like this sleek black finish.

Did a lot of research on blogging and all, and realised there is so much to learn! There are even hacking codes to alter pre-set templates and HTML codes. That's what I did for the header. Replaced a boring header with an animated banner using Photoshop and ImageReady. How cool is that? Haha... so proud of myself.

Anyway, some of you may be wondering why I changed the blog address. For one, I want to keep this blog exclusive to a few people. If you have been following my blog, you would know that it has previously been used as a war zone by some spammers. Hence, I am kicking them out of my world, so that I can have some peace and quiet to pen down my thoughts and emotions.

Funny thing is, the dude who started the online mud-slinging actually wrote to me and apologized. He is a self-confessed fan of my blog, and was quite shocked that I closed down my old one.

Well, I have not yet quite decided what to do with him, but in the meantime, he would not be privy to this blog, as far as I can help it. Neither will those who try to test my patience or sanity with their nonsensical comments and threats. Enough is enough.

For those of you who are already in this blog, enjoy your stay. Hope you like the revamp and if there are any topics that you would like me to put up, let me know. Gossips are welcomed. :P

"To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - E.E. Cummings

My World

It's been a whirlwind week.

Looking back, I realised I have come a pretty long way.

From the day I started blogging till now, I've made some pretty interesting friends. I don't know who they are. Don't know where they come from. Don't know what they do. Don't know how they look like.

Many who read my ramblings - are mere acquaintances. Passer-bys who got to know me through reading the little bits of myself that I reveal online every day. In time to come, they'd know more about me than I would about them.

I know they are around me, hovering near...trying to find out what went on in my life today. Even if it offers nothing more than a little glimpse into my world, these "friends" are there. Loitering around, waiting for the next update.

You know who you are. You are the one who dropped me a note to tell me you are worried. You are the one who wanted me to know that you still care. You are the one who hung around to see if I am ok. You are the one who show your silent support in many little ways that touched me.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

You do not really know me, but yet you are there - rooting for me.
It's a nice feeling. And I really appreciate that.

I have nothing much to offer. But this little blog.

If you like what you read, then do stick around. I will continue to share my world with you, because I know you really care.

And most of all, because I know, no matter what happens, you will still be there.

Oct 14, 2005

The guy in my blog entry "UNPREPARED" died today.

I killed my old blog.

I lost a friend.



I wish the one who died was me.

He's Just Not That Into You

I am back to work! Thanks to all readers of this blog for your well-wishes! I feel much better today. :)

Really felt and looked like shit the whole of last week because of my illness.... so I decided to put on a cute li'l denim tube top today, hopefully can look a bit sexier after looking like Harriett the Haggard for the last 4 days.

I bought a book for a friend of mine recently. Like many women, she has difficulty reading some of the obvious signals that men are giving out to her. She keeps second guessing them, and then works herself into a frenzy or state of confusion, wondering if this guy likes her. Apart from buying her shitloads of roses with petals for her to pluck (he loves me, he loves me not that kind of nonsensical garbage), I thought this book would do her more good.

It's written by the consultants for Sex and The City, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, and aptly called He Just Not That Into You.

This book claims that — despite good intentions— you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be He's just not that into you.

I have taken the liberty to shortlist some of my favourite tips from the book for your reading pleasure:

1. Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings.

2. Are there men who are too busy or who have been through something so horrible that it makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends.

3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone.

4. He’s just not into you if he’s not dating you. ‘Hanging out’ is not dating.

5. The “He Just Got Out of a Relationship Excuse” – He will always be able to play the “friend” card with you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. After all, being a “pal”, you wouldn’t want to put him through any more emotional turmoil while he’s going through his very “traumatic breakup”. He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.

6. It’s about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more.

7. The “He’s Afraid to Get Hurt Again” Excuse – If he were in love with you, he wouldn’t be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences.

8. The “But I Have Gotten Fat” Excuse – I definitely think you should lose 175 pounds – in the form of your loser boyfriend. His using your weight as an excuse for cheating is not only mean, but simply not valid. If he has a problem with anything in your relationship, he’s supposed to talk to you about it, not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it.

9. It doesn’t count unless he says it when he’s sober. An “I Love You” (or any semblance thereof) while under the influence of anything stronger than grape juice won’t hold up in court or in life.

10. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

11. This is going to be controversial, but I am going to say it anyway. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

12. You deserve a fucking phone call.


Last but no least, this tops my list for Best Tip:

13. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.


Personally, I heard many of the excuses listed above - especially the Afraid To Get Hurt and Just Got Out of Relationship ones. The book could not have summarized it any better.

Other reviewers of this book said that it is "provocative, hilarious and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating". It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe he's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

Maybe I should write my own version for the men - She's Just Not That Hot About You. Touted to be the next national bestseller - coming to a blog near you. Watch this space.

UNPREPARED

It's not a good day today.

I am still on MC - and that means my body has been on strike for four days in a row - since Monday. I am actually feeling nauseous - suspect it might be gastric juice.

My head is splitting. I feel terrible. I have no answers to the many things that are going wrong in this world.





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A friend of mine got involved with a married man some time back. I believe she genuinely liked him and enjoyed his company. But for the guy - she's really not the first woman he has had an affair with. And no matter how special he had been to my friend, he was still an asshole in my eyes.

It pained me then to see her go through that relationship. There's nothing I can do but to watch her sink deeper, feel more miserable and be constantly drowned in guilt. Spiritually, I felt really tortured with the secret because I was utterly helpless. I wanted so much to shake her and scream in her face. I wanted to slap that guy in the face so hard his mother could not recognise him. I wanted to expose his sexacapades to his wife and make him suffer forever for his infidelity.

But who I am to do that? It wasn't my affair to begin with. My frustrations alone could not justify me destroying my friend and her husband's (yes, she married too...) lives. I felt even worse knowing that any impetuous reaction on my part may lead to unspeakable consequences to that asshole's family. How would the unsuspecting wife feel? What would his little kids feel? I just could not bring myself to do it.

So I locked this skeleton up in a vault. I tried convincing my friend she was not special to him, as he claimed she was. Men who cheat are liars. Is there a need to elaborate why? How far from the truth can that statement be?





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I SMS-ed that guy, pretending to be a flirtatious stranger. Showed her his enthusiastic responses. Can't you see? Men always respond to women, whether they are married, single or otherwise. He went on to ask for my MSN addy. I gave it to him, and he actually chats me up every time he sees me online.

Time and again, I proved to her that she was not special to him. Give him another woman anytime, he would still entertain her. My friend was disappointed in him when she knew he was chatting me up, but yet, she could not tear herself away from him.

There was really nothing else I could do.





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We never progressed beyond MSN. Most of the time, I hardly entertain him because I have already proven my point. And because, he's married with kids and for Christ's sake, he's fooling around with my friend!

He justified why men cheat on their wives. Every man, he said, probably has 10 boxes in his heart, representing different needs. Most of the time, the woman he married can only fill up, say 70% of the boxes (if you are lucky). And hence, if a man meets someone who can fill the remaining 3 boxes, he will revel in the grafitication of having his desires fulfilled. A man will almost always "subconsciously" seek out the person to complete those boxes the existing woman in his life could not fill.

My friend happened to fill that 30%. But I keep reminding her, she would not be the only one. Many women have filled it before, will fill it and will continue filling it as long as he allows it.





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Not knowing that I was a "spy", he continued to chat with me on MSN.

He said I was "like an angel, with wings". He said, "I like you Elvina. You make me laugh." He asked if I missed him whenever we haven't chat in a long while. His last MSN message to me was June 21, 2005.

I stopped entertaining his chats because my friend had broken up with him. I felt that my duty to her was over. I felt liberated and relieved that the bastard is out of her life. I definitely do not want him anywhere near mine.





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Last night my friend called. Bad news.

He is very ill. In fact, he is dying.

I heard he was stricken with cancer. Everything happened too fast. He was suddenly diagnosed with liver cancer, and within 2.5 weeks, his liver failed him.

He is now in a coma, breathing through a life-support system.

My friend was crying, because he used to be someone really special to her. And because she finally met his wife - and she felt really bad. She cried because she remembered the times they joked about death; the kind of songs he want to be played when he dies etc.

There's no way my friend could tell the wife that. She could only watch helplessly as he slowly fades away on that machine.





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This news hit me as hard as the Pakistani earthquake. I have been in a trance the whole day, reeling from the impact since last night. Maybe that's why I was feeling nauseous. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Don't know what to think. Could not react.

Yes, he may be a total asshole - and I am angry with him for his promiscuous and selfish behaviour. But I don't wish death upon this guy.

I actually feel very sad for him as of this moment. I feel helpless. I am beginning to feel depressed.

I feel like crying - but there were no tears. And my heart hurts real bad. I do not know how to handle death. I don't know even know what to feel about this person - who probably doesn't deserve my attention at all, if not for the fact that he is dying.

And there is nothing I can do about it. Except pray.

Murder He Wrote

This may be old news for some people - but I didn't know about it, until today. Came across a short write up on this blogger in this month's Hardware Magazine (HWM) and thought I would check his site out.

Reading his last blog entry - chills my heart. There were over 3,000 comments on his last blog, from people all over - penning down their farewells and condolences. The blogger, Simon Ng, and his sister were murdered in their home on May 12th in Queens.

Before the brutal stabbing happened, he had gone online to blog - and unknowingly - revealed the identity of the murderer. As reconstructed, he was killed just minutes after he posted it.

He had some tough time coping with pressures from school. He was probably tossing a quick entry into his blog in the midst of his busy schedule, not realizing that his final blog entry on an unwelcomed visitor would help the police nail the cold-blooded assaliant.

I felt a heavy pang in my heart when I read the full story. His Xanga blog stared back at me, dated Thursday, May 12, 2005.

I looked at his profile - born Mar 29, 1986. He's only 19.

Went through his blogs. Like any other boy teenager, he loved computer games, anime and sports. He had tons of homework and reports. He had to do his own house chores. He had money problems. Just like any other boy his age.

I somehow found it painful to reconcile the fact that he was murdered right after that last blog and that he could write no more. I don't deal with death very well.

I do not know him at all. But I connect with him because he is a blogger, like me. His blog is depressingly static - frozen on the date of his death, and kept alive only by the people who drop by.

This must be the first time in history that a weblog is used as evidence in a murder case. It goes to show how blogging, for some of us, has become an integral part of our lives. Its impact stretches alarmingly beyond the printed words you see on the screen.

This story also made me feel that nothing in one's life is too mundane to write about. People we meet. Things we see. Emotions we feel. Stuff we think about. Everything is significant in its own little way. Sometimes, we do not even know that things we don't think much of, actually hold great meaning to other people.

I have been told that my blog helped someone get through some of his darkest times.
I have been told that what I wrote made someone cry.
I have been told that my articles touched someone's heart.
I have been told that my words can heal.

Thanks for letting me know that I can make a difference - with this humble blog of mine.

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People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did.

But people will never forget,

How you made them feel.

旧爱新爱

不久前，有位朋友在自己的网页上，透露了心里许多的问号：

- 有人说 “要忘了上一个他，最好是寻找一个新的。。。” 这样真的行得通吗？

- 假如在更多的比较中，没有人比他更好。。使你更想起他，那不是更痛苦吗？

- 假如新的他付出了真感情，而你却无法给予他最真诚的感情。。。对那个新的他公平吗？

- 假如新的他，在你忘了旧的他后，而无法给你任何承诺，那不是又得受到多一次的伤害吗？


这些问题深深的触动我内心深处的一些感受。我想了好久，终于忍不住把自己摸索已久的答案告诉她：

新爱或旧爱 – 不都也是爱吗？

如果放不下旧爱，而错过了新爱，
旧爱知道吗？
旧爱有了新爱，
他又是否会在乎你的感受？
是否会想起你这个旧爱？
应该不会吧？

要是真的没有人比他更好，
为什么自己会成为他的旧爱？
若舍不得的，只有你一个人，
旧爱也不过如此。

新爱或许没有旧爱好，
但至少，他目前比旧爱- 更爱你

爱情本来就不能以‘公平 ’作衡量
如果没有真正把整颗心
用来爱一个人的话
那和敷衍没什么两样

我虽憧憬旧爱的美
但我渴望新爱的甜
如果我付出的是全部
而他却有所保留
我相信这个地球某个角落
会有一个更会珍惜这份爱的人
我也会疼惜这颗心
把它交托给那个
同样用整颗心来爱我的人

我们要学习放开
心里最怕失去的东西
让自己能获得自由

因为我不希望
当每个人找到幸福后
才发现原来只有我一个人
被留下来

Mr. Big

If you have watched "Sex and The City", you would know who Mr. Big is.

In the hit series, Mr. Big (played by Chris Noth) is a smooth, dashing, enigmatic, charismatic, charming man. The one man in Carrie Bradshaw's life who will always have a place in her heart. He's utterly single but never available. He goes in and out of her life from time to time - giving her hopes and dashing them - although not necessarily in that order.

When he's with her, he makes her feel really special and often, his actions are undoubtedly sincere. However, when he realised he got too near, he became Mr. oh-so Unattainable, pulling back faster than the pre-tsunami waves can retreat.

In real life, the same elusive Mr. Bigs exist. They make you believe that maybe at some point in time, you will be the one to capture his affection for eternity. But in reality, somehow, one can never get quite through.

They then become this "special friend", one who snuggles up occasionally for some tender-loving affection and company whenever he feels the need. He's also the same unpredictable, aloof guy who will keep himself at arms' length from you the very next day.

My friends believe I have a Mr. Big in my life. One of my girls have this theory: The difference between a Mr. Big and a "time-filler" is that you couldn't care less about what the "time-filler" does or say. In other words, if you are bothered by a guy's words, actions and reactions, that dude is probably your Mr. Big.

(Definition: "Time fillers" are people you hang out with to fill the gaps in time when you have nothing else to do, or no one to go out with. Usually refers to the opposite sex. Feelings sold separately.)

I do beg to differ. Not that I have "time-fillers" to begin with (and I usually do not have much spare time to fill anyway!), but I sincerely do not think there is a Mr. Big in my life right now.

Ok, given that there are a couple of elusive guys in my life at this moment - which of course, increases the probability of a Mr. Big's existence.

But I am generally a woman of great and varied emotions. What I am trying to say is, I would still get emotionally affected by what anyone says or does (to some degree - depending on how close I am to the person), even if these people may not necessarily be of any significance to me at this point in time.

People affect me all the time - just that I don't really show it.

Hence, to conclude that one person is my Mr. Big simply because I seemed bothered, troubled or concerned about him, is theoretically, quite flawed.

To put it simply, I may have more than one Mr. Big, because of the kind of girl I am - sentimental, emotional and highly sensitive.

I am bothered that a guy friend of mine told me that he found it difficult to penetrate the "fortress" that I had built around me, and that he could not take the friendship further 'cos I wouldn't let him in.

I am troubled when my dear male buddy finds it easier to chat with my friends than with me.

I am concerned when a boy I genuinely liked as a friend, harbours ulterior motives.

I am perplexed when a man I wanted to give my heart to, decides not to take it.

And I get extremely confused when some guy told me I seem to have a lot of reservations and restraint, when another feels I am too open with my feelings.

So in one way or the other, they are all my Mr. Bigs. Because I feel a lot. I think a whole lot. I analyse until I become paralysed. Hence sometimes, it may seem that I get deeply affected by just one particular person. But that's only because you don't know about the rest who impacts me just as much, by the things they say or do.

Everyone and anyone who has ever left a fingerprint in my life, does affect me one way or the other. Some simply more than the others. Some I choose to ignore, some I choose to react.

I guess I am just Carrie Bradshaw-with-one-too-many-Mr. Bigs. I kind of wish now that I do have one resident and permanent Mr. Big - who I can benchmark every guy to. Who I can yearn and mope for till the day he comes around. Who is the all-elusive man which I may ultimately snare one day for myself.

But I guess for now, I am happy with Brad Pitt.

I'm Still Me

My cough got worse today. Went to work in the morning - got the chills from the aircon in the office. Was wheezing so badly my boss chased me home to rest.

Met up with Yen for lunch - and found out that she was a li'l worried for me. She wasn't very impressed either with the war of the words that was brewing behind the scenes on this blog, but I shall not dwell into that. I have too many important things on my mind to focus on seemingly petty squabbles.

Found out from Jay that Vivienne is pretty concerned for me too. My dear friends - I am fine really. I know what you girls are worried about - but trust me, I am OK.

I am stronger these days. More mature too, I hope?

I've learnt to take things easier. I have learnt that I am not always right.
I've learnt to apologize. I've learnt to be more discerning. I've learnt not to hurt others intentionally.
I've learnt to guard my heart. I've learnt to listen. I've learnt to be a better friend.
I've learnt to tread carefully where the ice is thin. I've learnt that work is not everything.
I've learnt to admit that I am weak. I've learnt that I can be vulnerable.
I've learnt that not everyone is true.
I've learnt to accept things I cannot change, and change the things I cannot accept.

But still - I have lots to learn - I know.

I have not learnt to take care of my health.
I have not learnt to let go of some ghosts from the past.
I have not learnt to be less negative.
I have not learnt to be more sensitive to people's feelings.
I have not learnt to exercise more patience towards my family.
I have not learnt to save money.
I have not learnt to trust love.
I have not learnt to rest.

But I am trying my best. I am not perfect, I know - and I am thankful that you girls are still here for me, no matter what. Just believe in me like you always have - and I'll be fine. :)

SNAB

If men who are in touch with their feminine side are called Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG), I should be a self-proclaimed SNAB - Sensual New Age Babe, a woman who's in touch with her "masculine" side.

My friends have always teased me for being "unfeminine". Guys are always surprised when I told them that I do not like shopping. They've always thought that shopping is every girl's national hobby.

I've only just started taking a bit more time to shop for clothes and accessories recently, and that's because my new job requires that I dress up a bit more. Otherwise, I usually shop like a guy. I know what I want to buy, I head straight for the place, I buy it and out I go. Window shopping is quite a waste of time, I feel.

I get excited about electronic gadgets, books and CDs but tune out when my girl friends start chatting about cosmetics, shoes and handbags. I don't have a sweet tooth like most girls do, so I don't go gaga over chocolates and desserts. Many of my male friends are baffled by this 'phenomenon' and my girl friends, well - they have already resigned themselves to the fact that I am a lousy shopping kaki. Haha....

Recently I am hooked on an equally 'guy' hobby - Paper Craft. Check out these wonderful vintage cars that you can make out of paper. I am currently working on a VW Minivan and a classic Mini Cooper. You can download them from Papercar.net.

Too easy? Try these super cool Yamaha motorbikes papercraft.

For the girls, maybe this would tickle you - an iPOD Mini paper craft. How cool is that? Make one for your friends - just for laughs! :P

It's no wonder my buddies think that I am really not a girl - inside. I cannot help it if I do not like girlie stuff. But I am 100%, absolutely, definitely, really a girl. :)

I Am Lucy Liu

I stumbled across this FaceAnalyzer website and thought it was pretty interesting. According to the website, it uses the state of the art facial recognition technology + evolutionary psychology+ a patented process which correlates facial characteristics to personality traits.

Interesting mumbo jumbo - but pretty accurate. Here's mine:

To summarize, the analysis revealed that:

- I am very intelligent (don't we all know about that! haha...)
- I have very low gay factor (told you guys I am super horny and straight already!)
- I am rated low on promiscuity (how foolishly faithful I am?)

Personality Profile:

You particularly enjoy the traditional way of life. Having drinks with your friends, attending parties and relaxing while watching TV are some of the simple pleasures you indulge in. You may also enjoy physical exercise. Your driving force is to retire as early as possible, so that you can do the things you enjoy more often. Your main source of ambition comes from this desire.

You don't particularly like your job but you do it without complaining. You realize that the income that it provides is essential to your lifestyle.

You are friendly yet competitive with your co-workers. This competitiveness may lead you to squander your earnings to match other peoples' possessions. You operate most effectively when there is a set power structure, and the lines of authority are clear.

You know your place in the ranks, you play by the rules, and will deliver what is expected of you.

You do not care for responsibility; you would rather be care free.

Invasion of Octobabies!

"Octobabies" is a term I coined for those who are born in the month of October. I actually had to create a word for them because in this month alone, I have at least 8 friends who are celebrating their birthdays.

The first on the list is my very adorable godson Williem. His dad is South African angmoh and his mom is Chinese chiobu. The end product not too bad huh? So cuteeeeee............

Williem is officially ONE year old on Oct 4! Time really flies. It seemed only yesterday that he was just a sperm. Wahhaha........


Next Octobaby is Cheryll on Oct 7. Cheryll is the kind of woman men fall all over their feet for. Sweet, demure, charming and very pretty. Super chio and super saccharine. Out of every 10 guys who join our Friday chill-out nights, at least 7 will have a soft spot for Cheryll. After chatting with her, 90% of the victims would probably get diabetes and withdrawal symptoms, because they will crave to see more of her.

Irene came in third on Oct 10. I always tell her we should be secret agents because our birthdays are like ASCII codes. She will be agent 1010 and I will be 0110.

Irene is one of my life's most precious buddies. We went through a lot of hardships together, in terms of work, life, relationships, family etc. She's probably most similar to me in all areas - except for personality. If I am the fiery, hot-tempered siren, she will be the cool, levelheaded lady. She's calm, while I am volatile. I am ambitious and a workaholic; she likes to take things nice and slow and is easily contented. She is patient while I am rash. Many times, she was the alkaline that helped pull me back to a neutral state when I go off tangent. We are so polarized in terms of character, but yet we balanced each other out nicely and has formed a pretty solid friendship over the last 9 years.

Next up should be my colleague Jeanne on Oct 14. Bought her a little accessory - cos it seems to me that most of my female colleagues are very "accessorized". Earrings, chokers, bracelets, rings, necklaces - you name it, they are WEARING it. They are like a walking Chomel rack lor. Haha....

Gillian's on October 16 - the sexiest mother of two I have ever known. She is the super hot mom of my two godsons, Adam and Williem. She turns heads wherever she goes, and oozes sexiness through every single pore. Even after two kids, men still pick her up because she still looks so 'disgustingly' GORGEOUS!



Celyn, my good friend and colleague is a Octobaby 22nd. Celyn is one hot babe. Many of my male friends think she is sizzling!

She is also THE ultimate walking accessory turnstile hehehe.. Should have seen the number of fashion accessories she owns. But I must say she has really great taste and she has specifically told me NOT to buy accessories for her cos she is very particular. Die liao la. What can I buy now? Maybe a sexy g-string....a luminous lime green color perhaps?

Auntie Linda's birthday is on Oct 23. She is Leon's mom - and she has always been very sweet, generous and kind to me when we were together. I appreciate the love and care she has lavished upon me in the past, and I will try to send her a birthday card every year, just to let her know that she is still in my thoughts.

Oct 23 is also another painfully memorable date for me - which I shall discuss in another blog next time.

Wrapping up the month is Octobaby 26th Debbie! She is indeed the OLDEST friend of all time. I have known Deb since she is 11 - Primary 5 leh! We were in the same primary school and then she stuck to me like super glue for the next 4 years in Ahmad Ibrahim Secondary - yes the "chao ah beng" school. She used to stay like a few blocks away from me, so you can imagine how CLOSE we really were - literally and figuratively.

She's happily married now with a baby girl, who's also going to turn ONE next month. Yes yes, all my friends are happily doing their national service of having more sex and babies. I promise to work harder on the sex part. The babies can wait. haha....

When I talk about Debbie, I must mention Vivien because this girl has also been a great part of my life. I met Vivien when I was working in Yaohan - and that was like almost 15 years ago! She became my bosom buddy and some where in between those years, I introduced Deb to Viv and the three of us were inseparable after that. Here's a pic of the three beautiful babes of yesteryears! Wah - still as chio siah.......

Of course, marriage and kids change everything, and our lives - but I know deep inside, our friendship still remains. They will be there when I need them, that I know.

And that is the slew of Octobabies that have infested my life this month and I am going berserk and running out of ideas on presents to get! Never knew October is baby boom season until today.

For the rest of you who are planning to create more 'life', try and pick other months ok? January is good - ensures that your offsprings turn out to be a Super LaoNiang like me. It is also the month where we get bonuses and all so it's a fantastic month to have BABIES! :)

That Kind of Feelin'

Watching Taiwanese period drama serials can be quite excruciating at times. Besides the fact that they are extreme tear-jerkers, the amount of romance and love they heaped onto the scripts are incredibly overwhelming.

公子: 从一个小小的烙印，你已经开路辟土，满满的占据了我整个人。

公子: 世界上还有很多很多好人，很多适合你的人。你到底知不知道？

姑娘: 情到深处无怨尤，我已经不需要任何人了。

公子: 不要在折磨我，考验我了。我不是圣人。我会经不起诱惑。如果我坏一点，自私一点， 你所付出的感情, 我会不顾一切，照单全收的。

姑娘: 那就请你坏一点，自私一点吧。

*Sigh*.

I cannot help feeling cynical. Were people really that passionate about love in the past? Every single confession, every single tear and every single word are laden with so much love - that seemed to be bleeding profusely from the depths of the heart.

Are humans capable of such extreme feelings - particularly love?

I wonder if modernization has robbed us of that capability to love like that. Has the pursuit of money, the emphasis on paper chase, the relentless climb up the corporate ladder made us forgot how it was like to love with wild abandonment?

爱得掏心肺腑，肝肠寸断。可能吗？

Maybe it was possible when we were younger and still harbour idealistic notions of love and romance.

Nowadays, I am just more practical.

I love to be cherished and pampered. I love to be romanced. I love to know that I am being missed and desired.

But anyone can do that. It's not rocket science. What is truly challenging is to keep the flame of love alive after all that lovey-dovey stuff. And lovey-dovey stuff to a practical woman like me - can only last that long.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not looking for a relationship. I lose faith in relationships very easily nowadays. The day I get attached is the day I wonder when the break up will be.

Marriage to me - is only a constituition. The contract "till death do us part" - can be readily void as any other business contracts. Just sign - and you are free to go.

I am looking for a kind of feeling - a kind of love which allows me to be myself. A kind of love that is sacrificially beautiful, and shared between two people who just wants the best for each other. A kind of love that refuses to subside even when two people are apart. A kind of love that builds each other up so much, one feels emotionally paralysed without the other.

That brings to mind a very poignant and one of my favourite lines from Tom Cruise's movie, "Jerry Maguire".

"You complete me."

This very line summarizes the kind of feeling I am looking for. It's easy to say - "I love you". "I miss you". "I want you". But how many people can tell a special someone, "You complete me"?

I haven't had that feeling for a long time.

I haven't found anyone who I want to hear it from.

I haven't found someone who I can say it to. Yet.

"Out of Service"

This is what you will normally see when you come across a lift that has broken down. Nowadays, even the toilets in my office can be "Out of Service". There were times when some shitty stuff flooded the toilets 'cos of blocked pipes. Super super gross and smelly.

Today, Hotel Solace is putting up the "Out Of Service" sign.

Fever on the rise. Throat's getting dry. My nose is running away from my face. My head feels like it's been hit by 10 tons of bricks. I am hungry but I could not keep my food down. I am thirsty but my throat hurts when I drink. I coughed out my lungs last night. My body felt like it's burning up this morning.

Sounds bad huh? Well, I guess I am still OK - cos I can still blog!

Thought I should share about my dream last night. I got to know this guy - who's really smart, sensitive and loving. In him, I found a soulmate. He knows how I feel, what I am thinking - even when I don't say anything. He makes me laugh and takes care of all my needs. He shelters me from the rain and cuddles me when I am cold.

I'd probably be falling head over heels in love with him, if not for the fact that he has to leave. He needs to be away for 5 years. Why? I don't even know. In the dream, this guy asked if I could wait 5 years. I even remembered counting in the dream - ai yo yo - by then I will be 35 years old! Geez. I think I told him "NO".

It's like re-living my dream in my real life. My dream mirrors what I am going through in reality. No wonder I am getting a high fever. This entire year has been one heartwrenching saga. All the guys I've met have to leave or go somewhere or stay away for a while. Where in the world are they all going to? Seems like the only same direction that they are heading for is AWAY from me.

That makes me wonder if I am the problem.

I am temporarily "Out of Service" for now. But sometimes I wonder if I should really make it permanent.

The emotional "battles" are taking a toll on me. My sword's blunt from fighting and my wings are bleeding from shielding myself from the pain that comes with every war.

I may be cold - but I am not heartless.
I may be stubborn - but I am not unreasonable.
I may be nice - but I am no walkover.
I may be cynical - but I am hopeful.
I may be strong - but I'm not invincible.

Social Butterfly

Sometimes I feel that my work turns me into a social butterfly. I flit from one place to another - smiling, greeting, nodding, making small talk, exchanging name cards and pleasantries.

Thursday was one such day. I was shuttling from one event to another - oblivious to the world around me. I just knew I had to get through that night.

6pm - First event was the IMG Artist Regional HQ launch at Fullerton Lighthouse. IMG Artists is one of the world's leading classical music brand, and they have decided to base their HQ in Singapore, with the intention to bring in world class musicians and artists to this little country - which I am trying my best to "develop" into the Entertainment Capital of Asia. Sounds lofty huh? Well, that's my job. Aren't you guys lucky that I am working so hard to keep all of you "entertained"?

The founder Barrett Wissman was a jolly round man. Looks like Santa Claus. But he's the Donald Trump of the music industry and everyone respects him - a LOT.

Minister of Communication, Information and the Arts - Dr Lee Boon Yang - was there to welcome Mr. Barrett Wissman. So were many key players in the music, theatre and entertainment industry.

I was actually too tired to mingle. The venue was really breathtaking. The launch was held on the rooftop of San Marco's restuarant. They had a guitarist strumming jazz music at the corner, and we were having excellent wine on the rooftop, watching the sun setting over the Marina. If I am ever going to throw a party for myself, this would be it. I was totally transfixed by the scenery and the beautiful music - and fell in love with the place almost instantly. Wish I could just stand there forever and stone.

8pm - Darn! Gotta rush off for the 2nd event - Deuce Bigalow: Singaporean Gigolo Party @Gotham Penthouse. Apparently, Columbia Tristar was holding a contest to find Singapore's very own gigolo! MTV VJ Denise Keller was the host for the night - and I must say she looked super hot in her tight leather pants and black bra midriff. All the men needed a bucket to hold their drool.

Can't say the same for the guys though. I saw fat ones, skinny ones, oily ones, ah-gua ones, and the "cannot-make-it" ones - Wa danz. Quite gross. I cringed when the gigolo-wannabes started gyrating and stripping on stage, and thrusting their groin all over the poles. Proved too much for my emotionally-drained mind.

Left soon after and headed straight for my 3rd event @Thumper. Apparently, Moet and Chandoen was hosting a big party - but till today, I don't even know what it's all about.

11pm - Thumper. All I knew was there were free flow of Moet champagne, and the who's-who were milling all around us in the VIP lounge. The fashionistas, the alcohol companies, local celebrities Tanya Chua, Allan Wu, Desiree (from Villa Wellness), and some upper-class socialites who just want to be seen.

Three parties, three times the alcohol.

Nope - this time I wasn't sloshed. My team (and boss) was also there at the Moet party, so I thought it would be wiser to stay sober. Don't want my wild drunken state to be taken against me in my performance appraisal siah.

Wanted to "bao chi xing xiang" also la. There were so many stakeholders there that I am personally acquainted with, so I really do not wish to embarrass myself. I can get pretty "interesting" when I am high on alcohol... Tipsy Elvina can be quite a handful I must warn you...haha.

Spent the night talking to Keagan Kang and Stephanie Sun's manager, Marcia. She's got really funky hair and specs - I like! However, she was way too sober then, so I did not manage to dig out any scandalous gossips on the stars. Sorry guys. :P

Woke up Friday morning with a parched throat which got infected in the early afternoon, and led to a mild fever in the evening. Ngeh ngeh dong some more because my close girl friend is having a birthday celebration today @Alley Bar. Mich and I ran out to buy her a little cake from TCC and made her feed the boys! Haha.... the peeps around the table were issuing threats to me already, asking me to watch out in Jan. Oh-oh.....

So you see... I am social butterfly by day, mamasan by night. Super shagged. Now got throat infection some more. Donno why so pai mia.

2 is The Number of Carnage

Savagely ravaged a 2nd time
2 times the horror
2 times the pain
Death toll clocked at 22
The wounded rose to 122

2 restuarants targeted
In 2 different areas
Jimbaran and Kuta - 2 popular spots
Instantly became 2 burning hells

Lethal blast in 2002
Bali bled for the very first time
202 bodies blown to bits
The beach made their sandy grave

As far as the eye can see
Are remnants of the bloody deed
Devastation
Hopelessness
Grieved faces
Desperation

Those brainwashed bombers,
they were young
No less than 20,
not more than 25
What drove them
to such extremist acts
To die in this horrific way

What sick thoughts
went through their minds
to rob kids
of their lives and families
on Children's Day

20 witnesses questioned
200,000 police on standby
Now that the bloodbath has happened
Will this make a difference?
The bombs drove the final nail
into the coffin,
sealing its fate
Bali's downfall is imminent

All the numbers told the story
of the terrorists' rampage
Their coldblooded murder spree
has made 2
The Number of Carnage

Rainy Days

Geez. Haven't been caught in the rain for a while. I remember when I was younger, I used to like walking in the rain. Love the feel of wind through my hair, the cold drops splattering on my skin, and feel my clothes soaking wet. I love the melodius taps it makes on my window panes.

Walking in the rain is really an intoxicating experience. Feels like a cleansing moment - where all your burdens are washed away from head to toe. But that was before - when I was still idealistic about the world - and full of hopes about my life.

These days, the rain makes me thoughtful. I still love the sound of the rain, and it gives me the calming effect, as always. However, the mood seems to be more melancholic lately. Maybe it's because I am growing older.

Got off work late today. Ploughed through tons of research to develop my Strategy Paper. Finally completed my portion, and decided to take a cab home. Saw threatening streaks of lightning flashing across the sky. Looked ominous...

There I was walking towards the taxi stand. And then the rain came - hard and relentless. It sliced through my skin - like icy blades. In just 10 seconds, I was completely drenched. I felt as if I have just escaped from the tsunami - my hair, clothes, bag and shoes were thoroughly wet. Felt very much like a squid.

Shivered all the way home when I was in the cab. Taxi driver was really kind - gave me his box of tissues to dry myself (and his taxi seat too, of cos). I was too cold to utter any words, so I just hugged myself to keep warm.

Felt really feverish after my bath. But strangely, the fever could not get me to sleep. So I decided to blog about the rain, something that I love very much even till today. It may not elicit the beautiful moods that I used to feel before, but it still is one of my favourite things in life.

The time now is 12:50am and my temperature reads 39.5 degrees celsius. Feels like my body is on fire....wooo... probably can cook an egg on my forehead now haha.

I am a victim of my own love...as always.