Le Crazy Horse

I know you guys must be waiting in trembling anticipation for this post!

I had to be there around 5pm because I needed to usher the VIPs. The much-hyped about Crazy Horse sits snugly at a fabulous and premium entertainment hub, right next to Liang Court.

As soon as I stepped into the place, I was awed by the opulent and plush decor. The color theme for the entire place is a deep rich red, with a spread of lush red curtains, red chandeliers, red plush cushions and luxurious red carpets. For a moment, I felt like a filthy rich socialite in an exotic world of luxury wrapped in plush velvet and silk.

Le Concept

Crazy Horse Singapore is the biggest franchise in the world and first in Asia, surpassing the original one in Paris - which is only a 200-seat theatre. The one we have is an integrated entertainment concept - consisting of the following elements:

1) Le Theatre: 400-seater intimate theatrical experience showcasing the most beautiful and artistic nude show in the world

2) Le Boutique - Unique merchandise corner retailing quality Crazy Horse T-shirts, caps, and other interesting premiums

3) Le Restaurant- Open kitchen concept restuarant decked with red velvet curtains and carpeting serving Modern European Cuisine dinner

4) Le Lounge - This is my absolute favourite! It's a lounge screaming of boudoir decor - with its velvety sofas, leather swings with oodles of plush blue and red cushions, a quaint bar counter and intricate parisian-designed full length mirrors. I was gushing non-stop by the time I came to the round swinging beds, strewn with velvet cushions and shrouded by ebony beaded curtains, tucked away at two intimate corners.

The best thing about this place is you can always chill out here even if you are not watching the show.

Le Founder

To understand how the show came about, you've got to know something about the man behind these barenaked ladies!

Founded by Alain Bernardin in 1951, the Crazy Horse show is a 100-minute spectacle of visual art feast with dance, lights and precision choreography. This premium brand of showmanship features L'Art du Nu (Art of the Nude) - a nude show that marries artistry with sensuality.

Alain himself was influenced by the major international avant-garde movements: Neo-Dadaism and New Realism, Pop Art, Op-Art Kinetics. His sense of performance art was therefore constantly enriched by what the visual and audio-visual culture of the age had to offer.

Alain lived intensely within his era, bathing in the incessant flow of change. The woman was the ideal backdrop for his art. A naked female body was the ideal screen for projecting the host of images which go to make up the theatre of the world. It is no paradox that this master of the ART OF THE NUDE was also an attentive observer of Avant-Garde fashions.

Le Show (....drum roll.....)

The time that all of you have been waiting for - Le Show!

Personally, I felt that the show is classy and sleek, more like a watered-down version of Moulin Rogue. It is NOT a striptease show - but a NUDE show. Which means when the girls appear on stage, you could already see their bouncing boobs and nipples. Of course full nudity would never be allowed in Singapore, so the girls were merely stripped down to their g-strings.

The girls were slim and tall - and quite gorgeous in fact. What I really love about the show is that it is not risque or kinky. The dance sequences were mostly sensual and tantalizing - stimulating your senses through the kaleidoscope of lights and graphics which bathed the bodies of the almost-nude dancers. There must be at least 1o various sets of various performances, ranging from Cirque du Soleil-like dances and cutesy routines to sensual moves and wild gyrations.

Le Price

In case you haven't figure out, Crazy Horse is targeted at the discerning audience with taste. It's not your typical sleazy joint with dirty old men trying to get an orgasm just by looking at the posters.

Dress code is lounge suit for men and cocktail dresses for women. It is positioned as THE premium entertainment venue for the more affluent locals and tourists.

Seating Prices

VIP (right in front of the stage): S$500 for 2 with half bottle of Champagne

Private Box: S$600 for 4 with one bottle of Champagne or S$750 for 5 with two glasses of Champagne per person

Premiere: S$125 with one standard drink or S$300 for 2 with half a bottle of Champagne

Deluxe: S$85 with a standard drink

Bar: S$85 with a standard drink

Le-End

It was indeed a fun and a truly remarkable and 'enlightening' experience. My colleagues were so amused by the 'Le'-prefixes that they started spouting a slew of Le-phrases - just for laughs.

"Where is Le-toilet?"
"Le-restroom is at Le-left!"
"Let's go for le-dinner at le-Clark Quay."
"Le-waiter is cute. Go ask for le-number."

I seriously it's time for all of us to make love to le-beds.

Thanks for reading this far.

Le-End.

Berrynice's Bestseller

Artwork by LuvPhobia

Words by Elvina

Remember the travelogue I wrote not too long ago on HotBoys Fishing Kelong? Well, someone saw my article and was impressed enough to drop me an email, asking me if I could give him permission to use my content in his upcoming book - featuring Malaysia's island resorts and getaways.

The book will be written in the perspective of the traveller - so it would probably be very anecdotal and insightful. I was thrilled, no doubt! The book will be sold online in both hard and soft copies - and will be available some time next year. I can't wait......

Also found out recently that I could leverage on the power of internet for self-publishing. Do you know what that means? I can now fulfil my dream of publishing a book! Check out lulu.com and you will see the potential of this dream.....

I have always wanted to write on these various genres: Children's Activity and Story Book, Women's newsletter, a autobiography-like Novel, Collection of Poetries, Marketing Tips for Entreprenuers etc. Would you guys buy my book if I finally get it out? I promise to autograph it for free hahaha.....

Being so near to my dream can be quite intimdating. I am not sure if I am ready to bring my works out into the public domain. Somehow, despite the confident debonair that I exude, there's a tiny part of me that's remains a li'l fearful of failure. I guess that might be because I view writing as my only strength and pride. Hence, any signs of my works being potentially belittled by the literary world would probably rip me apart and crush me to bits.

Maybe you guys might have some inspiration for me. What topics do you think I should write about? What would interest you to get a copy of the book? What should I write that would be of significant interest to you?

First step to marketing a book is really to understand what your readers are looking for. So - all your comments would be seriously taken into consideration, I promise!

I am going for the Crazy Horse trade launch tomorrow evening...so do expect some updates on this premium striptease club. Unfortunately I am not allowed to take photos - so I guess you'd have to use your imagination! :P

Sorry that this entry does not seem very inspiring. I am actually suffering from acute gastric and migraine, probably from the severe lack of sleep and irregular meals. So my mind's really not working very well these couple of days. Do pardon my absurd rantings.

Meanwhile, do drop me a note and tell me what you would like to read. Who knows? I may jolly well be the next JK Rowling.

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.

– Buckminster Fuller

HOT FISHY WEEKEND

Dear faithful readers of my humble blog…

A thousand apologies for the lack of updates this entire week. I have been so busy with my work lately that I slept less than 4 hours each day. Looking haggard by the day… :(

I was drafting a multi-million contract to inject a new slew of entertainment events for Singapore. My mission is to bring in global branded events that will anchor Singapore as the Entertainment Capital of Asia. 2006 will blow your mind away. If you get hit by wave after wave of world-class entertainment events, you’d know I have a hand and leg in this.

2005 will end on a high note – Crazy Horse (“almost full nudity” cabaret-striptease dance club!) will seduce the island on the first week of December. ZoukOut returns on a much bigger scale – promising more bikini babes, tanned hunks and some of the world’s best DJs. Ministry of Sound will open its virgin act at The Cannery – threatening to give Zouk a run for their money with the best dance sounds from UK’s music scene.

To summarize, I will be working very hard to try and bring in entertainment events that will hopefully propel Singapore into the realms of Las Vegas, New York and Sydney. I am tasked to entice companies to bring in Broadway Musicals (the likes of Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, West Side Story) throughout the year; outdoor parties such as ZoukOut and Live and Loud; concerts, award shows as well as the most hip and happening nightspots from Japan, UK and US.

With all that brain juice devoted in making Singapore a better place, I decided it’s time for another scorching hot fishy weekend for me at the Hotboys Kelong!

So here I am again – surrounded by an unprecedented group of HOT hunks and pretty babes. Drool factor – 90%. :)~

The Kelong reached its full capacity this weekend, with 125 fishing enthusiasts casting their baits into the crystal clear sea. There was much hustle and bustle as the topless guys strutted around, blinding me with their tanned and well-oiled six packs. Wooooooo~……

The girls are equally hot – and I’d taken their photos for your viewing pleasure. *drooLz*

The Kelong staff gave me an extremely “warm” welcome – some of whom were already plotting OPENLY how they would use me as a live bait for sharks, or hurl me into the sea while I was asleep. So much for hospitality haha...

As they always say, a picture paints a thousand words. So here’s a few thousand words for your viewing pleasure.

Last but not least, the haggard-looking me.....

Things That Don't Impress Me

I am sure some of you can remember that I blogged about Things That Make Me Happy not so long ago.

For today's blog, allow me to rant about Things That Don't Impress Me.

1. Durian

This tops the list of the things that put me off. It smells like shit. It is pokey and ugly green. It tastes like vomit mixed with stale rubbish. I used to buy it for my mom cos she loves it. But no matter how I hold that stoopid durian, its thorns kept stabbing me and I ended up with many tiny holes on my legs. Oh, how I hate this vile fruit.


2. Liver

No.2 most hated food. I would rather die than eat this. When I was young, my mom tried ways and means to mix this in my food. She would boil liver soup and use the base to cook porridge. Other times, she would mince the liver into extremely microscopic pieces and fry it with other dishes. Unfortunately, nothing could escape my supernatural tastebuds. I could tell right away without even tasting the food. My mom soon learnt that the rubbish chute would be well-fed every time she tried cooking anything with liver.


3. Cheating Hearts

Man or woman, as long as you cheat on your loved one, you are condemned in my list. Well, maybe that's too strong a word. But still, there are some things I cannot accept and infidelity is one of them. If you cannot stay faithful, don't hold up someone else's life. Free yourself to love whoever you want, and free your partners to find someone who deserves their faithfulness.


4. Petty Men

Oh brother. Men who harp on the smallest things, go anal and ballistic over mindless and senseless issues, and explode over insignificant topics - are a mega turn off. I like to think I am quite cool about a lot of things - and sometimes I feel as if I think and act like a guy. I can be nonchalant about many mundane things in life. I like to prioritize and focus on issues that are critical to me. But if a guy becomes clingy and possessive, it irritates the hell out of me. Breathing space is extremely important to me, and I like a guy to be cool and understanding. Petty, insensitive, unreasonable, quarrelsome, close-minded, judgemental, abusive men - can go take a kite from my storeroom and fly it at Marina Bay.


5. Chocolate, candies and all things sweet

Many of my guy friends have proclaimed that I am not a girl. Reason being I - unlike most females - do not have a sweet tooth. I don't go goo goo ga ga over chocolates, and I have no weakenesses for sweets. I actually shocked a couple of people with that piece of trivia. I don't hate sweet stuff. I just don't have an affinity for it. Hence, cakes and desserts have absolutely no effect on me either like they do on other women - who seem to have a glazed look every time they see such sweet delicacies.


6. Insincerity

You would have figured out by now that I am a very sincere, frank and open person. Insincerity stinks big time. How do I sniff out these type of fakers? Well, they are the kind whom you have not met since you graduated from primary school - and they call you up one fine day asking if you have time to meet them for tea. Hidden agenda? They are either trying to sell you insurance, investments, or invite you to their wedding dinner.

Hello?!! I have not seen you for DONKEY YEARS and when you finally remembered who I am, all you care about is my money?


7. Relatives

I really hate to say this - but I have absolutely no love for them. Ever since my dad passed away, they disappeared faster than you can say "goodbye". None of them stayed around to see us through the darkest period of our lives. They weren't there when I was starving. They weren't there when I was hospitalized for high fever. They weren't there when I have to juggle three jobs to feed myself and my family. In short, they left us to die.

I have heard of relatives who fight among themselves - stabbing each other left, right, front, back, center - in a tussle for inheritance. I knew of relatives who fell out over money. I knew of relatives who gossip about each other all the time - and drive wedges among family members with their vindictive words.

With relatives like that, who needs enemies?

Disclaimer: I do know of friends who have wonderful relatives. Hence, this entry is not a mere generalization. It's just my story to tell.


8. Abortion

I am really against abortion. Someone commented that I was being too Pro-life. Excuse me? We are talking about a life here. You sow a seed and while it is growing - you destroy it with your own hands? What logic is that?

And we are not even discussing a herb now. This is a breathing cell, which is morphing into a human with a brain, a beating heart, tiny hands and feet and most of all, a God-given soul - every single minute.
I was a pure biology student many years ago. During one of the lessons, my biology teacher wanted to explain the different stages of pregnancy - so she showed us real embryos and foetuses that were preserved in jars. I found out later that these foetuses were taken from the hospitals, aborted at different stages of their life cycles.

I could not handle the monstrosity behind the callous act of abortion that I broke down in front of the class. All I saw that day were dead babies. The shock was too much to bear.

Abortion is pure murder. No matter what excuses there may be.

Then again, I would always look to Tony Blair for an invaluable piece of advice where this sensitive issue is concerned:

"However much I dislike the idea of abortion, you should not criminalize a woman who, in very difficult circumstances, makes that choice."

=: :=

I actually have very few dislikes. But these are some things that really irk me big time and to know me, is to understand not only the things that I love, but also the things that put me off.

Savour and learn - and be enlightened.

Quarter Life Crisis

Do any of you believe in quarter-life crisis?

I think I am in one right now. A quarter-life crisis can happen any time from the age of 25 to 35. It is a point where you start to take stock of what you have done and achieved for the last 2 to 3 decades of your life.

It is also a point where I start to wonder - "Where will I be heading to next?"

You feel that you are at a crossroads. And you are equally unsure about the various paths that lie ahead of you.

What do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I hope to achieve? How can I be a happier person? What choices shall I make? Why do I need to make any decisions anyway? Which of the paths should I embark on?

Lots of questions. Plenty of doubts. Loads of uncertainties. And zero answers.

I like to think that I am a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and needs. But there are times like these, that I feel I am losing it.

I used to plan 5 years ahead. When I was in Secondary 1, I already knew that I wanted to go for Mass Communication studies in Ngee Ann Poly. I aimed to work in a media industry and nowhere else. I prepped myself for 4 years just to reach that goal. Sat for a written test with 600 over people. Was one of the 300 students shortlisted for the interview, and finally selected as one of the 120 people who eventually made it to this course. After I graduated, I spent 8 and half years in MTV.

Somehow I managed to meet all my goals. It was amazing.

I planned to get my degree since I graduated from Poly in 1996. I finally pursued that dream in 2003 and completed my course this year. Did pretty well too.

Again, I knew what I wanted and went all out for it. That's me. Blazing a warpath to my final destination the moment I am locked on to my target. I was unstoppable.

But I fear I am losing it.

I feel really lost nowadays. I like my work, but I am not feeling any sense of gratification like I used to. I have tons of friends who love me, but I feel lonely all the same. And as someone has aptly pointed out, I yearn for love, but yet I do not want to accept it when it comes around. I know there are better ways to earn more money so that I can clear my liabilities faster, but yet, I mope around, getting by each day with the measly token I get for the work I put in.

No motivation at all to do anything different. Why?

It's as if my mind has been reduced to a state of inertia. I have no more plans for the future. No more targets to reach for. No mood to start any relationships. No drive to work and excel. No reasons to enjoy whatever is going on in my life right now.

I might even start to feel that my existence is really quite meaningless. What am I here for? What can I do to make my life better? If it's not getting any better, what's the point of holding on? When can I let go? When can I stop this endless, pathetic state of mess that's raining down on me?

What has happened? I don't really know. I could only pin the blame on quarter-life crisis. I know not what I want. I know not where I am going. I don't even remember why I am here for.

Maybe there's a secret organization somewhere out there that's conspiring to erase me from the face of the earth.

In The Name of Love

I was relating stories of my past relationships to a special friend recently – and in the process of recounting them, a horrific realization began to dawn upon me. I have actually done some quite silly things before – in the name of love.

1. Writing one letter every single day for three months. To help ease the loneliness my ex-boyfriend may face in camp, I passed him one week’s worth of love letters every weekend so that he would have something to read when he book in.

2. Calling almost every single radio station in Singapore – every single day. Thank God for redial buttons. You could not imagine how challenging it was to even get through to ONE station, much less 10. I flooded the airwaves with loads of song dedications to the guy, proclaiming my undying love and how much I missed him in both Mandarin and English - to the entire nation. I would then compile all these dedications on a cassette – so that he could listen to them when he’s back in camp – every single week.

3. Standing in the pouring rain, waiting for a guy who left me without a word. My best friend came and saw me standing there, completely oblivious to the relentless rain pelting down on my battered soul. She hugged me and cried with me in the rain.

4. Writing a love poem and publishing it in the Classifieds section of The Straits Times on Valentine’s Day.

5. My ex-boyfriend loved Pinocchio. I spent weeks searching for various Pinocchio toys on e-Bay, and placed bids for at least 6 different toys – just in case I lose the bid. I won bids for four. He now owns two Pinocchio soft toys, one tiny plastic Pinocchio toy and one authentic Pinocchio string puppet.

6. Spending many weekends traveling from my home in the north to my ex-boyfriend’s hostel in the east just to watch him sleep. Each way took 1 hour 45 minutes.

7. Spending a few hundred dollars on balls of wool and knitting needles, hoping to knit a vest for my guy. We broke up when I was just putting the finishing touches to the front of the vest.

8. Ordering two VHS tapes of Judas Priest concert performances from the States for a boyfriend who was totally into speed metal. We broke up before the tapes arrived.

I might have done a lot more ridiculous things, like starving myself for four hours waiting for my guy to finish his work and take me out to dinner at 11pm.

But somehow, I don’t seem to remember much of those things anymore.

Those were the days.

Sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter. --Bertolt Brecht

Sex and The City

Have you ever watched Sex and The City? It's a drama series revolving around the lives of 4 women - a lawyer, an art gallery manager, a columnist/writer and a PR consultant. They were beautiful and sexy in their own right, and possess 4 totally different personalities.


Samantha Jones, the self-centered PR consultant, is totally open about her sexuality, and has absolutely no qualms exploiting it to get what she wants. She is super confident and could be a bitch at times, but that also means she's no pushover. She's extremely smart and one of the most hilarious characters of the show, simply because she talks about sex as if it's American breakfast - something you take every day without giving too much thought with the sole purpose of satisfying your hunger.

Carrie Bradshaw is a popular columnist who writes about love, relationships and sex, and usually draws inspiration from her friends and her own dysfunctional relationships. She is your typical lovelorn cosmopolitan woman who worships shoes, bags, clothes and fancy parties. Men drift in and out of her life - bringing her on one roller-coaster ride after another - most spiralling towards an emotional wreck. She is good at her work, but falters when it comes to relationships.


Charlotte York is your goody-two-shoes, spiritual, religious babe who does everything by the book. She is constantly shocked by Samantha's explicit description of her sexacapdes, and would not hesitate to show her disgust. She gets extremely flustered and works herself up into a senseless frenzy whenever things do not go her way. She believes in true love and is constantly pining for her Prince Charming. Her ultimate ambition in life is to get married and have kids. She's your perfect wife and mother.


Miranda Hobbes is the stiff, principled, level-headed lawyer who keeps her passion suppressed, while going about her daily life with the precision of a clockwork mouse. She's the no-nonsense, impatient, career-driven woman who sees everything in either black or white. She sometimes loses her bearings, exposing that rare moment of her vulnerability. She is a perfectionist and is hard on herself and the people around her.



So - which Sex and The City babe are you? Take thist to test to find out! ;P

I am a "Samantha".

Score: 21 points -- You're Samantha -- uninhibited, powerful, and sensual. You pursue sex with unbarred enthusiasm -- and without letting feelings get in the way. Relationships aren't exactly your strong point, but you date more than any of your friends, and you're the one they come to when they need advice in the bedroom.

Take the above analysis with a HUGE pinch of salt.....please.


Why do I like this particular show?

I think it's because the characters in the show are easily identifiable. Most girls fall within one or more of the types as described above. Personally, I am a cross between Samantha, Carrie and Miranda.

One thing I really admire about the girls in the show - is how despite their obvious differences, they could still come together, bonding and bitching regularly over coffee, meals and cocktails. Occasionally, the different personalities may clash, but they eventually understand that the friendship is worth more than a petty quarrel.

There was even an episode where baby-hater Samantha reluctantly agreed to babysit Miranda's baby boy while she goes on a date. That's what friends are for - isn't it? To be there for you through thick and thin, thicker and thinner.

Some time ago, I have a group of girls that I hang out with every Friday night. Uncannily, the four of us seemed to take on the four different personalities of the babes in Sex and The City. Being the more vocal and unbridled female in the group, I am naturally a Samantha - often shocking my "Charlotte" and "Carrie" friends. The level-headed Miranda usually just rolls her eyes at my nonsense.

Not long after, a virus called marriage wiped out two of our girls and reduced the group strength to two. It was only me and "Miranda" left.

We tried injecting a couple of fresh new blood into the group, but somehow it just doesn't feel the same anymore. We have known the other two girls for more than 6 years - and the chemistry between us is as impeccable as the one sizzling on the show. It's almost irreplaceable.

So it came to pass that our Sex and The City weekly gathering became a mixed bag of sorts - from ex-colleagues to present colleagues to MSN friends to MSN friends' friends. Not sure if this is ideal, but apparently, some regulars in the group are not handling the influx of foreign bodies too well. Maybe it's about time I stick to familiar grounds.

Recently, I have an extremely strong urge to retreat into my impenetrable shell. It protects me from the harshness that was brewing around me. No, I am not depressed. Nor do I feel emotional.

If I analysed myself correctly, I think I feel vulnerable.
I may be strong, but I am not invincible.

Many times, when I am alone, I wonder about my friends.

- Are we all accepting, like the women in Sex and The City?
- Do we embrace each other shortcomings, and tolerate one another's flaws?
- Could we ever be there for each other always - no matter what circumstances?
- As much as we disagree with one another, do we put aside our differences and work towards a satisfying compromise?
- Could we openly talk to each other even when we are fully aware that it may not eventually achieve our objective of getting the message across?
- Could we seek to understand, even if we do not concur?
- Have we been hearing but not listening, looking but not really seeing?
- Can we bring ourselves to overlook petty transgressions and forgive unintentional mistakes?
- Are we able to recognise the little imperfections in our friends and love them all the same?
- Do we have the capacity to accept that things may change, but possess the confidence that our friendship would still be as true?
- Have we unknowingly created undue pressure by pre-setting expectations on how a friend should behave?
- Have we stopped sharing our innermost secrets for fear of backlash?
- Could we truly refrain from passing judgement?

Frankly, many of the answers in my mind are swimming in a blurry mess. I used to be able to tell instantly, but of late - I find myself severely and emotionally handicapped. I no longer knew distinctly what was expected of me - as a friend.

Sometimes it feels that nothing I do was ever good enough.
Or worse - everything I do warrants a criticism, accusation or assumption.
Any form of explanation only serves to throw me in an argumentative/defensive light.

I used to proclaim proudly that my friends will stand by me no matter what, because that is exactly how I will be to them.

My loyalty is a simple, straight-forward, no-strings attached concept. VIP status is automatically accorded to those I hold dear as friends. I accept them WHOLESALE - no matter who they are, what they are or who they have or will become. They could be the most undesirable people to walk this planet, but they will be the ones I cherished most - simply because they are my friends.

Such simplistic view apparently - belongs to me, and me only.

And then I realise how alone I was in my concept of "friendship". It is no Sex and The City, as much as I would love to fantasize it to be so.

Humans will always have expectations. They will be appalled, disappointed, sad, worried, uneasy, disillusioned, angry, upset, frustrated, irritated - as long as your behaviour does not measure up to those expectations.

I realised sadly, that I am a victim not by choice, but of circumstance.

And that was when I knew I needed to retreat. To be alone. To seek solace in my shell. To withdraw and think about how best I can protect my idealistic view, but yet at the same time, assimilate myself to the brutal truth of reality.

Last but not least, I need time to assure myself - that despite who I am not, I am still good enough.

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow.
I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall."

Nirvana Crap

Watched a movie recently - in which the female protagonist said something that left quite an impression on me.

"Whenever I feel happy, I get scared. Because I know, something will make me unhappy again very soon."

So much for optimisim.

I can almost relate to this feeling of "happy despair". Somehow, that's how I feel most of the times. It's as if I'm not supposed to feel too happy for fear that the sadness which follows would engulf my entire being and rob all traces of joy in me.

I guess you can liken it to Pavlov's Classical Conditioning Theory. If every happy event is followed by a miserable one, in time to come, one will be conditioned to believe that there would be a depressing occurrence each time one experiences bliss.

Totally warped isn't it?

There's one other thing about this concept called happiness. In a strategy meeting one day, my boss suddenly made a philosophical statement.

He said, "You cannot pursue or seek happiness. What one usually does is to go after things that will make them happy.

So, what you call happiness is getting what you want, achievement or success, becoming noble, getting anything that you want. As long as you want something and you can get it, you feel perfectly happy; you are not frustrated, but if you cannot get what you want, then unhappiness begins."

His words actually had me pondering for a long time. It sounds really logical. One probably wouldn't feel happy for no reason at all. I must have seen something, experience something or achieved something to be in that state. Sounds like some kind of nirvana crap where if you seek happiness it will evade you, but if you don't actively pursue it, it shall come to you naturally.

I wonder how many times have I deliberately embark on or purse something in order to achieve that lovely, sweet feeling of happiness. Do I feel truly happy after that? Or am I just deceiving myself? How can I define true happiness? Is there a checklist for me to tick off the corresponding responses and reactions?

The whole ideology is so abstract that I start to get a migraine just thinking about it.

If anyone has an answer to the eluding concept of happiness, come share it with me. Is it having loads of money? Everlasting love? Success in business? A high-flying career? Being at peace with oneself?

Sadly, I have no answer yet at this point in my life. But I did experience a small moment of happiness last night when I came across two blogs that speak of Hotel Solace. Jade Falcon was probably one of the first blogger to promote my blog on his, but he has since closed his site.

Check out the latest Hotel Solace "marketing agents":

Dave from Australia
http://commonaspiration.blogspot.com/2005/11/i-am-who-i-am.html

John Huong from Singapore
http://flancer.homeip.net


I am truly touched by your endorsements. Thanks for believing in me and this blog.

"Happiness is like a cloud. If you stare at it long enough, it evaporates."

- Sarah McLachlan

Why Are You Here?

There are millions and millions of blogs in the blogosphere. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder - what makes someone choose to read a person's blog but not another?

What drives people to a blog? Controversy? Sexcapades? Tragedies? Love stories? Politically incorrect verbal diarrhoea? Dirty secrets?

Why do some even bother to read about other people's lives? What motivates them to log on every day, hungrily devouring each and every printed word published by the author?

What goes through each reader's mind, as their eyes splayed over the screen?

How do they feel being let in on the lives of someone they hardly know, except for the virtual persona that the blogger paints online?

I read some people's blog for a few reasons. The most practical one would be because that blogger happens to read my blog, and out of blogger's etiquette, I feel obligated to return the favour. But yet I am selective - I don't read ALL blogs. Scarcity of time simply means I have to filter out the more quality ones to read.

I like reading blogs also because it gives me an insight into another person's mind. It's interesting to know the kind of random thoughts that get translated into verbal diarrhoea. The more complicated a person's thoughts are, the more intrigued I get. I am curious what made him/her the way they are. What moulded their life perceptions? Bloggers like these inspire me.

Strong command of the language definitely helps - because I love to learn and muse at the different styles of good writing. But being a good writer is not enough to command my attention. The blogger must have its own brand of persona and attitude, a character that is distinctive in its own special way.

Few bloggers possess that. So I only read those that I link on my blog. The rest are really a waste of my time.

I feel very much for people, and they are usually the main source of my inspiration. Being a blogger myself, I do feel a sense of unspoken affinity towards other fellow bloggers. But again, this affinity is usually reserved for a selected few. Such exclusivity confers a kind of special status to these people that I hold high regard for. Simply because what they have written have either impressed me, touched me, or inspired me - in their own li'l ways.

That's just moi.

What about you, the one who is reading this entry right now? I am curious about you - especially at this point in my blog - where I feel you would probably know more about me than I would ever know about you.

1) Why do you read my blog? How do you know about this blog?
2) How often do you read it?
3) What motivates you to read it again?
4) What kind of impression have you formed after reading it?
5) Has my blog influenced, affected, inspired, changed, traumatized, touched you in any way? If yes, how? If no, why not?

Five simple questions - and hopefully I will get five truthful, honest, and no-holds barred answers from you.

At least for once, let me know who you are - since I have bared my heart and soul to all of you for so long.

"Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support."

How Bad Is My Temper

Few will believe that a hardcore practical and materialistic person like you is capable of sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait you successfully hide from others. You can see thing with anger but will not betray your feelings.

But then, there are times that even you cannot control your temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and scream, more with frustration at the situation than with anger at any particular person. Your outbursts can shock others and can make them feel guilty too.

I Am Sorry

I hurt someone last night.

I didn't mean to, but I have to.

Sometimes, the best things in life happens once in a lifetime. Once it comes, and you fail to grasp it tight enough, it will simply slip through your fingers, leaving you only with trails of what it could have been.

Why does one have to wait till something's gone to realise how special it was?

Why does one have to hold on to such strong principles and ideals - that serve only to keep others at bay?

Why must it be that the insecurity of one - has to be fully accepted by another?

Why is it that if something means a hell of a lot to you, that you can choose not to want it?

Why do people always want to have their cake and eat it, and not spare a thought for those who could not?

Why is that some men always have the ability to make me feel that I am never going to be good enough for them to take that leap of faith?

Why is it that when I hung around, you said you'd be happy for me if I need to move on; and when I moved on, you were upset that I didn't tarry a while more?

Why does it sometimes feel that we are so close, but yet so far apart?

Why is it that whenever I feel happy with you, your nonchalance and non-committal attitude woke me up to the harsh reality that all I felt was shortlived?

Why must you give me mixed signals if all you wanted was for me to wait?

Why do you make me feel I am dispensable at times, and that my departure is not really a big deal?

Why is it so easy for you to come and go as you please?

Why is it so difficult for me to get any assurance that I may be the one?

Why am I not convinced that I am worth fighting for?

Why do you let uncertainty take over all other signs that were screaming for you to take notice?

Most importantly, why is losing me not a significant reason for anyone to want to hold on tightly to me as soon as possible?


I only wanted to find myself back - and I desperately need to regain my self-worth. I do not want to feel lousy about myself anymore. I do not want to feel that I am not good enough for anyone to put aside all his insecurities, fear and uncertainties.

I do not want to be engaged in an emotional tug-of-war where I was being pulled in all directions, not knowing where the final destination was.

I am very tired and emotionally worn out - so I need to stop whatever that is hurting me. Please understand.

I know you think I don't understand. Maybe I don't. Maybe I understood too much to know this is not what I want. I don't think you will ever understand either. At least not now.

I Am Sorry.

Kelong Memories

Hi peeps!!

Check out some of the latest photos from my Kelong trip! :)

Met a babe Jacquline who's there with her hubby Ivan. We clicked almost instantly! Took this at the jetty.....



















Check out my artistically-taken photos of the Kelong. Taken from my trusty E730 Samsung HP! I reduced the pixels of the photos using Photoshop - cos the originals were super sharp and high-res!


















































Photo of fishies caught by a group of super-on aunties and uncles. Ginger still the older the hotter! Rumour has it that the group caught more than 200 fish.... Not surprised. I was reading till 4am and those peeps are still fishing!


















Me and Jac in the bumboat ride!


















Moi @the Kelong with the sea in the background


















I really like the peace and tranquility of this place.

Many have asked why I went alone. I needed that solitude. I badly need to spend some time with myself. For the longest time, I have spend most of my life living for other people. It's about time I allow myself the luxury of indulging and relaxing, without having to think about others.

I like spending time with moi.

"No life can be barren which hears the whisper of the wind in the branches, or the voice of the sea as it breaks upon the shore; and no soul can lack happiness looking up to the midnight stars." - William Forrest Winter

Driving Men Crazy

Was surfing through the web recently and stumbled across this "Ladies Room" - where they openly discuss issues on men and sexuality through a public forum. There are quite a number of quirky topics being discussed. One of the postings is titled "How To Drive Men Crazy".

Thought it would be interesting to share it here with you girls. Some of them are actually VERY funny. Sorry guys.......haha! :P

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry often.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

8. Get mad at them for everything.

9. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

10. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don'tcomply.

11. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

12. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, hisquick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.

13. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

14. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.

15. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

16. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

17. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

18. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless oftheir answer.

19. Leave out the good parts in stories.

20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

21. Criticize the way they dress.

22. Criticize the music they listen to.

23. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

24. Try to change them.

25. Try to mold them.

26. Try to get them to dance.

27. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

28. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting...just because.

29. Blame everything on PMS.

30. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

31. Read into everything..

32. Over-analyze everything.

Are you guys going to shoot me yet? :P

Woman Over 30

Some of you may have already read this - but I still think it's a good piece to share.
Trust me to put up anything to do with WOMAN. Girl Power Rocks!

Anyway - I am nearing 30 in a few month's time. So let this be the story of my life after the big Three O.

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

1. A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

2. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

3. A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

4. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

5. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

6. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

7. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

8. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

9. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

10. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

11. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

12. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

13. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.
Andy Rooney

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...

"I am not even 30 yet, and I am already behaving like one". - Elvina

Man and Woman

Bee recently posted a poem on her blog - which I particularly like. As much as this may sound awfully corny, it does remind me of myself. Woman on the outside, man on the inside (remember my geeky persona?).

Personality-wise too. Like Bee, many times I'm torn between who I am, what I should feel, and how I should behave. This poem speaks movingly of what I feel. Thought I would share it here with you, because it is simply too lovely a piece of work to be cast into oblivion. (Bee - hope you don't mind...)

I Ask God Why

Sometimes I ask God why not make me a bird;
If I were one, I will live above the earth
and be free from all cares and worries
that all humans tend to receive.

Sometimes I ask God why not make me male;
If I were one, I will have no fear
in doing the things that men should
and do them well and good.

Sometimes I ask God why made me female;
yet gave me the strengths that men fear
in a woman who is meant to be pretty,
docile, huggable and worry free.

Then God says He made me the way I am;
not an animal and not a man,
but a woman that is special in His plan
though my mind cannot comprehend.

- Bee

Inspired by this heartrending confession, I couldn't resist penning a poem for Bee. And here it is, something I wrote just for her.

Woman

I know God has a divine plan
When He created woman and man
He knew that every man would need
A lovely woman to carry his seed

The Lord truly loves us all
Man or woman, we'd answer His call
Discriminate us, He does not do
Woman is His proudest tool

To love a man as his wife
Fulfilling God's will in giving life
To hold the man up when he's down
To stay by him forever and now

God made Woman for the Man
We are special in His plan
Created not only to be their strength
But to hold, love, hug and cuddle them. :)

- Elvina


During special moments like these Bee, I do feel that you are quite my mirror. *smile*

I Miss You

Three simple words.

I have never realised how poignant each of these words are - and how beautiful they sound when they come together.

Until now.

Profound in its simplicity indeed.

The 3 little words mean - at a particular point in time, someone actually stopped whatever he/she has been doing, and took a special moment to savour your presence in his/her heart.

The thought may be fleeting like a comet, but it leaves a sensational trail.

And knowing that you have just been on someone's mind, at a unique moment in time, is exceptionally touching.

Thank you for thinking about me.

I miss you too.

Goin' Away

I may not be blogging over the weekend....cos I'm goin' away for a while. Need to be alone to do some reading, resting and recharging.

Needed to be away from Singapore so that I can have some breathing space and time alone.

No need to socialise. No need to talk. No need to explain or justify.

Just spending quality time with moi, myself and I.

You guys have a good weekend ya? Enjoy the upcoming holidays.

----- * -----

E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."

Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Answers to Elvinalogy

Previously, I asked: Which of these words will you use to describe me?
Check the analysis below for what each choice represents......

1. Moon - The one you miss

2. Sky - The one you want to share your problem with

3. Sand - The one you won't care

4. Snow - The one you love most

5. Road - Best Friend

6. Water - The one you hate

7. Fire - Dream Lover


Disclaimer: There's absolutely no proven theories on the accuracy of the above analysis. Please take everything on this blog - with a pinch of salt. Add pepper for taste - if you like.

Elvinalogy - A Study of LaoNianG

Let's play an interesting game today. (Took this idea off someone's blog - AGAIN! Yup, I am absolutely shameless and thick-skinned.)

Cut and paste the paragraph below - and fill in the blanks with the appropriate adjectives/ nouns /verbs/phrases. You can be brutally honest about this - I promise you would not be silenced after this exercise. :)

In case you are wondering, this is NOT a narcissistic attempt to fish for compliments. Negative comments will not be censored. The objective of this word game is to see how creative you guys are, and what you REALLY think of me.

Can be quite amusing to see what you come up with. Here goes....


I ___(1)____ Elvina. Elvina is ____(2)____. Elvina thinks a lot about ____(3)____.

When I think of ____(4)____, I think of Elvina. If I were alone in a room with Elvina, I

would ____(5)____. I think Elvina should ____(6)____. Elvina needs ____(7)____.

I want to ___(8)_____ Elvina. If I could describe Elvina in a word: ___(9)_____.


Tag me your answers in the comment box - and blow me away with your imagination and honesty! Haha..

Vivienne send me another one of those illogical personality test thingy last night - thought I would post it up here for you guys to attempt because they are so brainlessly fun. Check this out:

Which of these words will you use to describe me?

1. Moon
2. Sky
3. Sand
4. Snow
5. Road
6. Water
7. Fire


Tag your responses in the same comment box! The answers will be revealed in the next blog....watch this space.

Rockathon Festival

I came across spinee's post recently, where she blogged about her thoughts on her own funeral - What would she look like? Who would be there? What would she be wearing?

I thought that was a morbid but somehow - an extremely interesting topic. Got me wondering about my own funeral.

I have always believed that my funeral should be a super mega celebration. I am going home to be with the Lord - that's an occasion to rejoice, not mourn! I would hate to see my friends and loved ones turning up in dreary black, grey and white garb, dragging their long face all over the floor.

Nope. That absolutely wouldn't do.


I have decided that my funeral would be one big Rockathon Festival! It will be held in a garden strewn with lilies, lavender and baby breaths.

There will be a little stage for the big local bands that play at Wala Wala and Balaclava. Everyone's supposed to head bang to the hits of Linkin' Park, Bon Jovi, Guns 'N' Roses and Hoobastank. Hell, I wouldn't even mind you guys grooving to Backstreet Boys', I Want It That Way. In fact, that will be the soundtrack for my funeral! Haha...


I will get my ex-colleagues from MTV to film the entire event, and make a mini-show about it. All attendees will be interviewed - and they will all be scripted to say nice things about me! These vox pox will be inter-weaved with the band performances, montage of people dancing, and any other performances, if any. Yen will be the executive producer of this half-hour special.

I may even request for a Jazz band to wrap up the night. Thought it would be kinda romantic to listen to the jazz crooner's rendition of La Vie En Rose, don't you think? That's when there will be free flow of champagne sponsored by Moet and Chandoen. I may even throw in Heineken beer for good measure.

Food will be buffet style, Thai and Cosmopolitan cuisine. Even as I lay dead, I still want my spicy food.

I shall implement a dress code - Sexy Chic. Don't want anyone to disgrace me by turning up in funeral palettes. No black. No grey. No whites. Those who flout the dress code will be turned away nicely by my utterly gorgeous Morque Bouncers - specially handpicked by moi.

Come on, die also must die in STYLE ok? I will insist to be dressed in my ultra sexy top with that plunging neckline - with makeup by Lancome and hair by Vidal Sasson. Oh - do throw in my Spongebob Squarepants soft toy too. A sensual person like me need something to hug remember?

I have a good mind to roll out a marketing campaign for this gala event, being the marketing guru that I am. :)

Will get someone to set up a microsite so that everyone can log in to view how my make up and hair will be done so that I would look good for D-day. The URL will be www.prettydead.com. Pretty when dead. Cool huh?

And of course, by then I will be pretty dead too as well.

Undoubtedly, the main content for the microsite will be everything about me, myself and I. This entire blog will be probably be archived there as well - sort of like an Anne Frank's diary, you know?

Guests can leave their well-wishes (not condolences) in the e-guestbook and download photos of me - taken while I was still young and hot. Friends can also upload their photos, artwork, poems and create e-cards. There will even be mp3s hosted online for friends to dedicate my favourite songs to me, as well as an interactive forum for people to discuss or bitch about how they feel about me.

All my closest friends, business associates, colleagues and loved ones will be invited to the funeral via SMS (I am geek what - what to do?). Show the SMS at the Morque to get a free goodie bag - which probably includes my photo with my signature - plus all the MTV merchandise that I could not bring along with me on my journey to heaven.

RSVPs will be channelled through the website - cos obviously I will not be there to pick up calls.

I was thinking if one of my MTV VJ friends can host my Rockathon Festival. Maybe if Donita Rose or Utt is still around, I can engage them for this event. I am sure they will not mind.

Since it's Rockathon Festival, it would be an all-night affair. People can arrive and leave at any time, and there will still be music and performances to entertain everyone. Maybe Eisen can perform some magic tricks there too. By then he would be Singapore's very own David Copperfield.

At the end of the party, there shall be a quiet ceremony where all the guests would sing my favourite Christian song - "Above All". If you do not know the song, you will be able to download the mp3 and lyrics from that same microsite. So do memorize it before you come for the festival.

Finally, we will wind up the party with a splendid group photo - to commemorate the number of people that remembers me and bothers to attend my funeral.

And henceafter, I will be laid to rest forever (actually I will be gallivanting in heaven).

Thank you all for attending my funeral.

R.I.P.

I Am Genghis Khunt

Took this super funny test and found out that I am Genghis Khunt - Random Brutal Sex Master. Haha. Quite hilarious. Check out my personality analysis below.

Genghis Khunt
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMf)

We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture:

But we figured you wouldn't understand, and rightly so. We don't understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain--riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You've already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Your exact opposite:
The Sonnet

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer

Personality-wise, you're carefree and relatively easy-going. You don't plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the 'brutal' tag we've given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.

AVOID: The Slow Dancer
CONSIDER: The 5-Night Stand, The Hornivore, The Playboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test
My profile name: berrynice

Counting My Blessings

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always pessimistic. There are many points in my life where I would stop and take stock of my blessings, and take pleasure in counting them.

Sometimes I feel extremely blessed, akin to an overflowing cup of sweet water. I hear music in the rain, and feel the caress of the wind. The trees seem much greener, and the clouds look like white, fluffy candy floss.

I woke up today and counted my first blessing. Thank God I am stil breathing. :)

I sat up - and realised I have a very comfy bed indeed. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I would go shopping for bed linens. I simply adore my bed. It's something that all of us have, but many of us always take it for granted, don't we? How I wish I can just snuggle under my covers and not go to work. Having a bed to sleep in is undoubtedly, a wonderful blessing.

I went to work and my colleagues came up to me, wanting to know if I am feeling better - cos I have been sick for two whole weeks. That's a blessing - knowing that someone cares.

Checked my email and am pleasantly surprised to recieve a e-card from a friend in New York, who's feeling concerned after reading my Oct 23 blog. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is thinking of me even when he is 12 hours away.

Met up a very good friend over the weekend - and learnt that she is into beading. She gave me a pair of lovely earrings that she made herself. That's a blessing - knowing that I am someone really special to her.

A blogger friend bought me dinner last night. His generosity even extended to a karaoke session - where we sang our hearts out till 3am. That's a blessing - because I have been looking for a KTV kaki for the longest time - and he appeared.

Another blogger friend has been giving me lots of dinner and movie treats. Owe him tons. He's a blessing too - because he gives so much but expects nothing in return.

Yet another blog reader emails me daily with words of encouragement, bringing hope to my otherwise dreary day with anecdotes of his life and great book recommendations. That's a blessing - knowing that someone is always rooting silently for me - somewhere in the background.

As I was typing this entry, I thought about the people who will be reading this. And yes, you guys are also a blessing - because no matter what happens, you check in faithfully everyday to read my senseless ramblings. Day after day. Blog after blog. You even care enough to leave your comments - sharing with me the thoughts that are going through your mind.

Sometimes I wonder why - but then I remember I should always count my blessings, instead of questioning them.

And then I feel very blessed.

Secret Desire

I have always been a very sensual girl.

This literally translates into the fact that I love being cuddled and hugged. I absolutely love kisses. I love to be near someone and hold him. I love putting my head on a guy's shoulders or my arm around his. I love to be held at the little nook of my waist. I love the feeling of resting on someone's chest.

There is only one problem. You can't really do that when you are single.

If I start to be "touchy feely" with the guys I date, they would either think I am super horny, or that I am falling in love with them.

That - is quite frustrating.

I am sensuous, and I love the sense of touch. I like to ruffle a guy's hair if I think he is cute. I like to touch his arm if I think he is sweet. I like the feel of an arm around me if I feel cold in the cinema. And I love it when someone whispers a joke to me in the ear.

My senses go on high alert whenever that happens. And it gives me a warm, tingling feeling right down to my toes.

But it seems that I could not do that without giving out the wrong signals. And for a sensual girl like me, holding back the "urge" to touch feels like I'm trying to kick a serious drug addiction. The withdrawal symptoms from not being able to express myself through touch and hold are eating me up inside. The word "falling in love" instantly almost becomes a dirty word, and just gives me so much undue pressure that I no longer find pleasure in the "touch".

Sometimes, my friends would tell me that the best solution would to be to get a boyfriend, so that I can do whatever I want without feeling any pang of guilt.

I rather believe that a boyfriend is not THE solution, but a legitimate channel for me to indulge fully in my sensuality. If only men, women and the holier-than-thou society would stop placing so much significance on the act of touching, holding, cuddling, snuggling and kissing, then I might not have so much reservations on expressing myself.

But it's not that simple of course. Any form of physical intimacy with anyone - would inevitably stir up some whirlpool of hidden emotions - whether I like it or not. Even a simple touch can spark off romantic voltages that would short-circuit an entire city. Humans are way too vulnerable because feelings are unstoppable, uncontrollable, and easily manipulated.

I do not want to go there.

Being sensuous and being ready for a relationship are totally two different issues. I may be very in touch with my sensuality, but I could not see myself loving anyone at this point in time.

Herein lies my agonizing dilemma.

Turning Point

Remember in my "Octobabies" post, I mentioned that October 23 is a very significant day for me?

It was the saddest day of my life.

It was the day my dad passed away.

That was 17 years ago. I remembered the night before, I was by his bed watching him. Just like I had every night for the last 2-3 months since his condition worsened.

That night, I had severe gastric pangs. I had to be wheeled from his room to the observation ward. Lying in the dark cold room, I could not help sobbing - into the pillow so that the nurses would not hear.

I thought about my dad, painfully hooked up to all the machines, and how much he meant to me. I thought about my mom, how frail she had become ever since my dad succumbed to nose cancer. I thought about our finances, how we were almost depleted due to the numerous radio therapies my dad had to go through. I thought about myself, and how I would be losing someone I loved so much.

The gastric pains intensified.

Two hours later, the doctor came in to check on me. He pressed my abdomen, and asked if I felt any pain.

I could not speak. The pain was excruciating. But I knew my mom would collapse if another member of the family were to be hospitalized. I knew very well - we could not afford the expenses. And I knew the only place I wanted to be right then, was next to my dad.

I told the doctor I was feeling fine.

I was wheeled back to my dad's room, where my mom was waiting anxiously for my return. I told her the same lie and asked her to rest while I kept watch for the rest of the night.

I cried in the toilet when the pain got too unbearable.

The next morning, my mom decided we should all go home to wash up and come back to the hospital later in the afternoon. It was October 23, 1988.

The minute we stepped through the door into our home, the phone rang. My heart stopped momentarily, fearing the worst. My mom reached for the phone. I saw her choking, and tears began to stream down her cheeks.

She put the phone down, turned to us and said heartbrokenly, "Your father's gone."

I was in a daze pretty much after that. Death was something so unfamiliar - and I was only 12. I could not comprehend what it meant. I thought he must have gone off to some place, for a long time perhaps, but he would return one day. My mind refused to accept that he was no longer alive.

He would definitely return for me. How could he not? He loved me so much.

I was crying and laughing during the funeral, not knowing exactly how to feel. I wanted to be strong, but I was hurting like hell inside. I could tell no one, because they were either all too busy with their own grief, or running about with the funeral arrangements.

No one bothered to find out if I was ok.

The day of the creamtion, I screamed when he was pushed into the furnance. I bawled, cried, sobbed and banged on the glass windows of the viewing gallery. I called out to him till my throat went hoarse, and the pain that was running through my brain and heart was extreme. I was dying inside as the flames began to consume the coffin. I was dying with him.

But no one knew.

His death was the turning point of my life. My insomnia stemmed from the days I laid awake, anticipating his return. I cried myself to sleep every single night for three years, believing he would be back. I could not believe he would leave us alone to fend for ourselves. He was the greatest dad anyone could have. Why would Death take such a good man?

Impossible.....

My mom stopped cooking because she claimed that she had enough of that when she was taking care of my dad. She was sick and tired, and too depressed to cook again. I began to stock up on packs of instant noodles with the money I earned as a sales assistant in Yaohan, and had that for all meals for three whole years.

I had no choice but to grow up faster than any kid. I had to be stronger than any adult. Because no one cared. Not even my relatives. Everyone was afraid we would become a burden and they disappeared right after my dad's funeral.

We were really all alone.

I was completely alone. To grief. To heal. To feed myself. To see myself through school. To earn my own pocket money.

Nothing was ever the same for me after that. I learnt what depression was. I learnt what it meant to feel hopeless and suicidal. I learnt about insomnia. I learnt about the meaning of kinship. I learnt about heartlessness of people. I learnt about total abandoment. I learnt about solitude and loneliness. I learnt to make my own money. I learnt about hunger. I learnt to gain independence and strength.

I have also discovered that a part of me has died with my dad on Oct 23.

And only two persons knew this secret - the Lord and I.

War of the Worlds

War is an all-pervasive phenomenon of the universe. The Oxford Dictionary expands the definition to include "any active hostility or struggle between living beings; a conflict between opposing forces or principles."

I moved my blog from the previous address because someone started a war of words once, which snowballed into something really ugly. The heated exchange online not only became personal, but simply ridiculous.

I for one, am a strong advocator of peace. I can accept differing views on what people think about me and my musings, but I would not condone comments targeted at specific readers of my blog. Settle it elsewhere if you must, but stay away from engaging in a public online sliming festival that makes everyone look stupid or bad.

That means anonymous comments - targeting at anyone else but myself - will not see the light of day here. This is not only to maintain peace within Hotel Solace,
but also my sanity. :)

Speaking about war, I was recently inspired to pen a poem on it. All my poems are hosted online at this poetry website called The Starlite Cafe. Every week, there will be a 10-word challenge - which is to create a poem using 10 words posted by the forum administrator. The theme for this week is the letter "U", and we are given 10 words that starts with U for the challenge.

So here's my humble attempt.....


Senseless Sacrifice

As the war unfolds
I cannot help but doubt
What are we fighting for?
Helplessly
Wearily
Aimlessly
We trudged on
Our bodies nothing more
Than bullet shields

As the massacre continues
I cannot help but question
What are we bleeding for?
Hopelessly
Desperately
Painfully
Blood baked till umber
Under scorching sun

Umpteen times I’ve prayed
My usual prayer
Lord am I here to unite all
Seeking peace
Or am I your unique tool
Called upon to leave
My urban comforts
For this war-torn field
To fulfill my destiny

Were there really
Weapons of mass destruction
Have we done what we came for
Or have we been used
To further one’s ulterior motives
Bringing nothing
But misery and grief

As the gunfire rains
I cannot help but wonder
What are we struggling for?
Shamelessly
Callously
Atrociously
Body count of enemies
Updated every minute

As the death toll climbs
I cannot help but despair
What are we dying for?
Wretchedly
Agonizingly
Miserably
We began to realize
This Senseless Sacrifice

By Elvina

© 2005 Elvina (All rights reserved)

Week 42 - The ten word alphabet challenge - U

ulterior - umber - umpteen - under - unfold unique - unite - update - urban - usual