Heaven on Sea: Part 1

The view from the bumboat is breathtaking. The vast sea stretched endlessly over the expanse of the horizon and beyond, like yards and yards of silky blue linen. The water bubbled under the boat in mini frothy waves, as it chugged faithfully towards the rustic fishing resort on wooden stilts.

My heart quickened in anticipation as the structure loomed into view. This is the first time in my life that I have ever been to a kelong.

I could hardly contain my excitement as I stepped onto this no frills yet complicated infrastructure. The wooden planks creaked under my feet as I explored the authentic resort. Double-decked beds wrapped in bright colours of orange, yellow and blue bed sheets dotted the main dormitory. Plain round tables were spread out near the dining area for yummy meal times. Up against the wall is a small counter selling fishing hooks, sinkers and other fishing accessories – for those who wanna try their hand at fishing. How absolutely quaint!

Towards the far end on the left is a simple kitchen, its shelves decked with spices and seasoning of sorts, as well as all kinds of raw food which will eventually end up as piping hot food once the cook is through with them. If a guest manages to catch something from the sea during the day, the cook will even help to conjure a nice little meal out of their prized catch. Yes, it’s indeed as fresh as it gets.

As the sun began to retire into the horizon, a dark black cloak stealthily shrouded the entire sky, slowly erasing all traces of light. Almost instantly, the sea was transformed into one big mass of ebony liquid. Small lights from the neighboring kelongs speckled like silver jewels in the distance, creating a picture-perfect view.

Dinner was served – and boy, I was not expecting a feast on an isolated kelong like this. We had fried eggs, breaded prawns, stir fry vegetables, fresh steamed fish from the day’s catch, bean sprouts with salted fish and a huge bowl of soup. The spread was even more lavish than what I usually eat at home – and it’s quite mouthwatering I must say!

I spent an hour reading The Da Vinci Code on my chosen bed, which is tucked away in a cozy private corner of the dormitory. Dan Brown is quite a writer. I could hardly tear myself away from the book.

As I wasn’t really that fanatic about fishing – I decided to snoop around the kelong for a quiet spot. All I wanted to do was to sit by the edge of the platform with my laptop, giving free reign to my thoughts as I typed out this entry with my MP3s playing in the background.

The much-needed solitude, the gentle cooling breeze from the sea and the stars winking mischievously from above – came flawlessly together to provide the perfect relaxing time out for me.

Even the rhythmic lapping of the waves was amazingly therapeutic – as I sat swinging my legs by the edge of the kelong, looking out towards the sea.

Yes, I am shamelessly loving every single moment of this natural indulgence – many miles away from the highly strung city life. Out here in the middle of the ocean, you are almost totally cut off from civilization.

And that’s the intrinsic beauty of it all.



......to be continued

DECONSTRUCTION

THIS PAGE IS CURRENTLY UNDER DECONSTRUCTION.

It’s been a while since I took a break.
Thanks for staying with my blog and coming this far.

For those who stayed with me, rooted for me, and did not leave me to my own devices, I thank you - for not letting me rot by myself. Your words, time, support and encouragement were invaluable.

Herbie, Syphon, Fireborn, Bee, Matilda, Isabel, Jade Falcon. Thanks for staying by me all the way, in both good and bad times. My days and nights have been so much more bearable because you were here.

As for the others who are waiting for me to 'recover' before they could talk to or spend time with me, thanks for being there during the good times. Thanks also for showing me how far you can retreat during the bad ones. Retreated you have, and there you shall stay. The door to Hotel Solace shut behind you the day I was left behind, alone to sort myself out.

For those who stuck around - till we meet again, smile and be happy. :)

Who I Am In Your Eyes

Yen told me an interesting thing last night. Apparently, there was an article in this month's issue of Her World, where a guy claims that sweet girls make him diabetic. He added that in a recent research, for Singaporean men, "sweet and demure" top their Most Wanted list for girls.

I think I know why. The sweet and demure girl somehow never fails to melt your heart, with that vulnerability in their eyes, their smile, their words, their actions and most importantly, their saccharine sweet looks.

I have a girlfriend who's exactly like that. Everything from her looks to her voice, from her giggles to her words, from her behaviour to her personality, from her dressing to her nail colour, every part of her screams "SWEET & DEMURE". At one of our Social Networking Nights, out of a group of 5 guys who met her for the first time, 3 were completely swooning over her.

Knowing I could never be sweet and demure, I hence decided to embark on a little survey, with a completely unrepresentative sample size.

So, in my pursuit of uncovering the awful truth, I cannot help but wonder - what do guys really think about me?

Without disclosing the identities of those who took part in this li'l survey, here's what I found out about myself:

(1) Melancholic
(2) Opinionated
(3) Strong willed
(4) Sensitive
(5) Emotional
(6) Expressive
(7) Loving
(8) Sweet
(9) Attractive
(10) Magnetic
(11) Comfy (I was told that I exude comfort; very comfortable to be with)
(12) Caring
(13) Cheerful
(14) Hardworking
(15) Carefree
(16) Friendly

Some others pointed out other traits of mine - such as: Stubborn, Ambitious, Sensual, Intense, Loyal, Confident and yes, not forgetting FUNNY.

Somehow I feel they use those lovely words above because they are simply too sweet to me tell the brutal truth about myself. Put the above traits together, you may actually get a very desirable woman! But that is so far from the truth, painted by such poignant words from very forgiving friends.

I do appreciate all these beautiful and politcally correct comments. I am sure there are more, and if you want to contribute to the infamous list above, let me know. I will put it up and ponder over it. I am not even totally sure that those attributes mentioned above belong to me. As much as they can boost one's self-esteem, they also made me wonder if I really do exhibit these traits - consciously or otherwise.

Hence, I searched my soul once again for an answer, looking into the depths of my heart.

No answer lies there.

Heartbreak Hotel

If every year is an episode from a sitcom, 2006 for me would be titled "Hurting Men".

I have no idea why it is so, but in a span of 8 months, I met 3 of such men. Has the Lord send them my way for a reason, a season or a lifetime? What was the purpose of placing me in their paths - to be a friend in need, a listening ear, or a passing cloud? Or maybe, a solace-filled resting stop?

James was first in line. He's got 4 girlfriends, who left him for one of two reasons. It's either his job, or for some other men. The last one was a single parent with a kid. He was with her for 5 years, gave her all his time and heart, took care of her kid and loved him like his own. She dumped him for an Aussie and totally crushed him inside out. When I met him, he was still reeling from the pain. I could only provide a listening ear, and a place for him to rest and heal without having to feel obligated to me. And so I did, before he checked out for Qatar.

Then I met Ronin. I call him an educated Ah-Beng. He's so not your sensitive new age guy like James. He's gruff, he's nonchalant, he's got a whole slew of Hokkien profanities in his vocabulary. But he also speaks very well, is effectively bilingual and has a kind heart. He's funny too, but beneath all that, his hurt ran so deep that he became totally non-commital to anyone. He came home from work one day, and saw his best friend and his girl friend making out in his house, in his bedroom, on his bed. Triple betrayal. What can I say? Ronin, unlike James, hardly confides. He puts on this air of nonchalance, and takes life each day as it comes. He does not need love nor a listening ear. He just wants company. And he found Hotel Solace in me - checking in and out whenever he pleases, for a good laugh or a simple dinner.

Hotel Solace received a 3rd guest recently. Danny checked in many months ago, with baggages loaded with issues. The struggles rendered him hopeless, and he checked out the day after, dragging with him the burdens that he came with and did not appear again until a few weeks ago. He faced similar issues as the two men above, and needed to take a vacation, but Hotel Solace proved to be quite a challenge for him. Or so he claims. Why? Because I am Hotel Solace, and in this case, it would be easier for him to rise beyond his problems if I was just a passing cloud. Checking in for a second time, his suitcase seems lighter. But I've got a feeling - a hunch, that his issues are yet to be fully resolved. I can feel his angst beneath his tough exterior, and the hopelessness in his smile. Somehow I know, that those issues are merely swept under an expensive pool table. But if that is his form of closure, who am I to question?

I will just be the friend in need, standing by the reception counter - for him and all other hurting men that the Lord has placed in my life. Why? Like I said before - I have no idea.

Fairytale

I love Faeries. They exude a sense of peace, and are always surrounded by an unseen aura of sensuality and serenity. An epitome of beauty - and silent strength.

At times, I feel like the faerie in the picture above. My wings are tired from flying. My soul weary, my spirit ebbing away and I feel naked and pained. I want a resting place, even if it meant perching on top of a toadstool. The resting place is not as important as the act of resting itself.

Then there are times I feel spirited, my wings spread to take on the world. I can soar above all heights. I feel the winds beneath my wings and the moonlight on my back, lifting me higher and taking me further and further away from everything that is holding me back.

Faeries usually hang out in the woods, far away from the sight of men. Which is not a surprise, considering how we corrupt the world.

I felt cold, but the moon showered warmth tenderly over me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I was trying to heal, but the wounds no longer hurt. I almost wish I could live my life again, but i have no regrets.

And like the faerie, I am hiding in the enchanting woods right now, basking in sweet solitude - and waiting to hear the songs of the trees.

American Soap

I was chatting with a guy 8 years my junior recently - about relationships and stuff. He was lamenting about how he feels stifled when his girlfriend gets upset whenever he spends time with his pals.

I stopped at that point to take stock of myself. Have I ever been like that to my ex-boyfriend (s)? Was I possessive? When will we ever learn to love someone for who they are instead of trying to change them the moment we become a couple?

My friends asked if I am going to get myself a date soon. Having been single after a heartwrenching breakup four years ago, I could not bring myself to answer. Not that I have the answer anyway.

I expressed my concerns about relationships. I felt that I have wasted my time on that relationship four years ago - because it ended anyway despite all the time, efforts and feelings that I've so painstakingly invested. His view however, was that if one has not invested 100% feelings into a relationship, it will be doomed for failure right from day one.

The thing is, for me, investing 100% in a relationship may not necessary yield satisfactory returns. Like any other investments, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes, as in my case, you lose heavily. But unlike money, you cannot earn those feelings back. Once they have been invested, they're probably gone forever once that relationship ends.

My cynicism on ever finding any true relationship which I can invest 100% of my love is further heightened by the fact that I have many friends who were cheating on their partners. I cannot help but wonder - if love is what completes a person, why is it a worthy investment for some, and a losing bet for others?

Didn't these people marry out of love? Didn't they vow till death do us part? Life as one entity has barely begun and they were already starting to contemplate the "D" word.

On the front, they seemed like the perfect couple - which I always felt only exist in Hollywood movies and fairytales. But like a scene from The O.C. and Desperate Housewives combined, things are not always what they seemed.

I guess that's why I am still single. :)

Giggles of the Day

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

I Should Be So Happy

I usually like to pride myself for being an optimistic pessismist. I am pessismistic by nature - but have over the years learn to take things lightly, laugh over my mistakes, make a fool of myself to make my friends laugh and to just enjoy life each and every day - no matter how hard life has been to me.

I have also learnt that the most effective way to stay contented and happy even though you are down in the doldrums is to praise the Lord all the time, for everything that's happening in my life. That way, even when I am having an extremely trying day, I am still grateful.

Hence, over the years, I've developed some Rena's "life philosophies".

1. Don't let anyone who does not mean anything to you bring you down. Hence, I would only feel hurt if someone dear to me let me down - i.e. close friends, family, boyfriend etc. Any other extras who fall outside of this category can do whatever they want to me, I will just refuse to accord them the power to hurt me. The more they try, the more I shut them out.

2. There's no such thing as a bad day. Bad days to me, are actually "character building" days. So if I'm going through a rough patch today, it's definitely a character building day. Lord works in His ways to polish and refine me to something better.

3. Alcohol and cigarettes are depressants. Music and friends are spirit boosters. Pick your poison.

4. When you feel extremely depressed and discouraged, remember that there will always be someone who's ten times worse off than you. Life still goes on for them, so why not you?

5. Courage is not a lack of fear. It is the act of facing up to your problems even in the presence of fear. Be positive about yourself - what do you have to lose anyway?

I can probably go on and on to create an ala David Letterman's Top 10s. But you probably got the gist. Life is short - so work smart, play hard and count your blessings more than your misfortunes. You will soon discover more reasons to smile...

Thank You For The Music

Music is a great healer. Not only is it hailed as a universal language (next to sex), it is an amazing antidote to many life's challenges.

When I wanna express how much my girl friends mean to me, Michael W Smith serenaded me with an apt rendition of Friends.

The day my ex walked away from my life, I cried to the beautiful sounds of Expose - I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.

When the going gets rough, I was comforted by Hacken Lee's upbeat Canto pop Red Sun.

My pent-up angst and frustration was released as I screamed through Linkin' Park's In The End.

I Will Survive brought me out of days filled with frustration and agony.

And no matter what happens, Over The Rainbow will always calm my edgy soul.

There is always a song for any chapter in my life. The good times and the bad ones. Music has been an integral part of who I am - because it speaks volumes of feelings that I cannot otherwise express, and tales which I can never tell anyone.

Music describes my emotions, my moods, my sufferings, my joys and whatever I was going through at a point in time. I feel moved, understood, loved and comforted - and a mixed bag of other feelings all at the same time, and words cannot describe how music has healed me over the years when I was struggling, grappling and gasping - for a less painful life.

All I can say is - Thank you for the music.

My Secret Sanctuary

If there's anything that I love doing more in the world than sleeping, it would have to be writing.

A writer, like any other person with artistic abilities, is temperamental. Eccentric. Creative. Highly emotional. Sensitive.

These are the qualities that I can live with. Because I love to create something out of nothing.

Spin a fairytale where I can escape into and live happily ever after.

Pen a poem when I am inspired, or when words elude me verbally.

Write a masterpiece to influence the lives of some - and touch the hearts of others.

Vent my feelings and let the emotions flow so that I may be released from the complex thoughts that are constantly plaguing whatever's left of my mind.

I write because the words in print mean that my inner most secrets and treasures can be immortalized in a physical form.

I write because I cannot suppress an outburst of my ideas. I write because people, things and events around me inspire me.

I write because I feel and because I emphatize.

I write because I have been touched, and because I am grateful.

I write because I am filled with love, or otherwise drowned in sadness.

I write because I can affect you, or because you've made an impact in my life.

I write because I can and because I want to. Read my writings and hope they'll inspire you. Welcome to my secret sanctuary - The Starlite Cafe.

Faith In The First Degree

I read an article on the Spirit of Faith. Faith, according to the Scripture,...is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses] (Hebrews 11:1).

I think this is a very powerful message. How many times, I wonder, have I allow my faith to dwindle every time I face an obstacle in life? Did I give up? Did I perservere? When I gave up, was it with an open heart or was I embittered?

It's never easy to have faith when you are down and out, broken and hurt, discouraged and disappointed. But I do believe that faith restores a person, and it's really up to us how we can perpetuate this into our lives - no matter how rough the going is.

The article pointed out the tremendous importance of not only believing God's Word, but also speaking God's Word. The type of words we speak determines the type of power that influences our lives!

What many people did not realise that by speaking and repeating negative words of discouragement, despair, defeat, and the like, we get into agreement with the devil and open the door for him to produce the very conditions of the words we are speaking.

But when we consistently and persistently speak the promises of God, we get into agreement with Him and open the door for His promises to become reality.

"We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak." - 2 Corinthians 4:13

If you are feeling lost, down, and totally worthless at this point in time, I hope this poem of mine can be of help. If it touches you, drop me a comment. :)

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."

BELIEVE

Believe that Love heals everything
And takes away all pain
Believe that Grace has been given
So that we can live again

Believe that Hope keeps you going
Whenever you feel low
Believe that Faith will take you there
‘Cause in your heart it grows

Believe that Peace is bestowed upon you
To give your soul some rest
Believe that Joy is yours forever
So live life to the best

Believe that people happen for a reason
Some to make your life complete
Believe that the Lord is near always
And He knows just what you need

© 2005 Rena Tan. All rights reserved.

Vitamin "V"

It's been a super hectic week. I have been given a new portfolio at work - and since Monday - I have been working my fleshy ass off. But the work's really exciting, and I cannot wait to start on the projects that I have been tasked to do. From movie premieres, to concerts, from award shows to branded parties such as ZoukOut and Ibiza, I can envision lots of adrenaline-pumping events ahead!

But of course, that new portfolio comes with a new formula.
More work = Sleep deprivation x more severe insomnia + more sleeping pills.

Valium has become my daily dose of vitamin. I seriously need to sleep more.

Which I will be doing today, so my blog will be short and sweet. From tomorrow onwards, I will be transferring all my past ravings from an old blog to this one. Why would one need two blogs anyway? Might as well show all aspects of moi in one secret sanctuary.

By the way, I love great people like C.S Lewis, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller and many significant others - simply because they all have one thing in common. They have the ability to dish out life's little idiosyncracises in the simplest form - many of which can keep me wide awake at night sometimes.

Here's a cute little sample "parting shot" for you to mull over before I return soon with more of my life's saga.

"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends." - Benjamin Franklin

Testosterone Overdose

Friday night. August 12, 2005.

I was awfully sloshed that night. It's been a year since I organized such a large party.

The last time I drank myself silly was my farewell party when I decided to leave MTV. Alan from Shin Bar kept the drinks coming and we were swimming in mixers, shots, tequillas, martinis etc. I was in such high spirits that the moment I got home, I heaved my foot up into the kitchen sink with the intention of washing it there. That should be the highlight of my mundane life.

Friday night was equally memorable. The party @Barnone was initially hinged on one great purpose. I planned to introduce a pretty single babe friend of mine, to an equally charming guy buddy. But it would be awkward if there were only three of us. So I started inviting some guys and my regular group of single babe friends (which I may introduce in another blog soon!). The guys started bringing friends and all hell broke loose.

From an initial group of 7 guys and gals, the party exploded to a party of 11 guys and 6 girls. How did that happen - I seriously don't have a clue. But I must admit, it was one great party with all that testosterone swirling around us girls.

The guys' hitlist includes:
1. Roy (my MSN friend) with his three friends, Kevin, Winston and Steven
2. Gary (my fav male buddy!!) and friend Justin
3. David (a marketing partner) and friend Kim Min
4. Jin (my colleague from Nighspots dept - he got us the table at Barnone) and Jeffery (whose last day at STB was that Fri)
5. William - Jin's friend
6. Jack (my closest male buddy)
7. Joshua (someone who's been hanging out at my Exclusive Singles Babe Club in recent weeks. Lucky bugger!)

I was quite amused by this interesting mix of men. One guy spent the whole night tucking himself into the corner of the wall, obviously shy with all the girls around. Another bloke was so caught up with some big business - busy sms-ing throughout the night to some imaginary hot chick. The rest of the predators were milling around the girls, chatting them up, offering drinks, and shaking their butts to the music of Douglas O.

Yes. It's one wild party MINUS the orgies. Plus a little drama thrown in as well for good measure, but I won't be recounting that because it's not meant for public consumption. :P

So being the hostess and 'mamasan', I flitted around performing my duties of introducing everyone, drinking as I go along. Whiskeys, red wine, shots, beers - they somehow found their way into my glass. Before I knew it, my knees went weak. And yes, that very night, I adorned the beautiful marble floor tiles of Marriott Hotel lobby with a beautiful, reddish puke pattern. Quite ingenious I must say.

My friends told me later that they totally enjoyed this "singles" night out. I may seriously consider doing a few more of such "Singles NetPartying Sessions".

And maybe this time, I might learn to stay sober.

No Laughing Matter

A strange phenomenon has been happening to me, and has become more pronounced in the last couple of months.

In recent times, I realised that most guys I hang out with for the first time, would come to a natural conclusion about me by the end of the date. For the umpteenth time, including tonight, I hear a guy say to me,"You are funny. You make me laugh."

"You make me laugh?" What kind of comment is that? What am I? Jerry Seinfeld reincarnate? Do I look like a walking joke dispensing machine?

The guy went on to say it was amazing that I wasn't attached. I asked why. He claimed that many guys would love to be with a girl like me, someone who brightens up their day and make them laugh.

Sorry dude - I seriously beg to differ. Which girl in the right mind would be flattered by the comment "You make me laugh"? Since when is it more desirable than "You make my heart flutter?"; "You make me melt" or even something as simple as, "You are very sweet".

Gone were the days when men say that to me. Now I am like a clown to them. I told the guy that when men make women laugh, women fall for them because they think the guy is witty, funny, and can see life in a lighter vein. It puts women at ease.

When women make men laugh, men see them as a great girl buddy to "hang out" with. Someone who they can talk cock to, openly crack dirty jokes, gossip and laugh heartily - knowing that the girl would not be put off. So which men would seriously start seeing me as a romantic interest if all they feel about me is that I make them laugh??

So tragic. I am so in deep shit. No wonder I am so very single. Now that we have demystified everything - why am I not feeling any better?

Why Me?

If I had set up a practice listening to people with relationship problems, I would have been a millionaire by now.

I seem to be a magnet for these people. I wonder why? Is it because I have a problem with relationships myself? Or maybe, I exude that aura of being a guru in relationships? But if I am really that "experienced" to warrant a steady stream of heartbroken souls seeking my advice, why do my own relationships fail?

Maybe that's the REAL answer. I keep failing in relationships so that I can garner enough pain and heartaches to help people through theirs.

But somehow I come to realise that more often than not, people come to me not because they really needed help. Very often, most people with relationship problems already know the answer to what they need to do. They just want someone to verbalize it for them. And I so happen to be universally recognized as the VERBALIZER.


Many times I feel helpless. Time and again I see my friends walking towards the edge of a cliff, and before they leap into a hopeless love abyzz, they want to hear what I have to say. I am usually brutally blunt, and painfully honest. After they've heard what I feel they already know, they went ahead and jump anyway.

Why is it when I say that a guy is not good for you, he's an asshole, he's a player, he will hurt you - and all of you know it, but you still allow yourself to sink deeper into it anyway? I really wonder what value add does a verbalizer like myself bring to the table.

I can list down all the strategies and mind games that the men are playing with my girlfriends; I can accurately articulate their fears and their desires; I am able to predict the outcome and forewarn them of the consequences, armed with evidence of all the danger and warning signals. And yet, after all that halabuloo, the victims continue to allow themselves to be tortured endlessly by the love that they seek.

They come to me in pain. I comfort them and offer them good solid advice. I tell them the truth and paint them the reality. They see the light --- and then they dive headlong back into the dark side. WHY?

What do they get out of confiding in me anyway? And where do all my opinions and viewpoints end up in if they do not play a part in influencing their decisions? And why do I keep doing this if the conclusion is always the same?

I really wonder.

My new TOYS!

I have been terribly sick for the last few days. Urinary tract infection, high fever, flu, splitting migraine, and a parching sore throat.

Went to see a second doc at Raffles Medical Group @Causeway Pt....and got MORE medication. I am now basically a walking medicine cabinet. Feeling frustrated, I walked over to the Samsung store. I have always wanted to change my mobile phone...it's been acting up and I can hardly hear my calls. And I think I am the only one left on the face of this earth without a camera phone.



Fell in love with the E730 at first sight. Its sleek ebony cover beckons to me - and fits snugly into my palm. Without a second thought, I traded in my cranky Motorola for it and topped up $550 for this beauty. Quite a hefty investment, but nevertheless... I think it's extremely worth it. Yes my dear friends, I would rather spend all my savings on techie stuff than an LV bag - that's the gadget geek in me.




My new toy comes with an mp3 player, a FM radio, a 1.3 megapixel camera (check out the photo below that I took in my sickly state!) and many other super duper cool functions.

Then the sales assistant whipped out a stack of about 50 mini-perforated lucky draw cards. Top prize was a Samsung laptop. I was like so cynical - one will usually get a "Thank you for your participation" kind of response, so I was quite nonchalant when I drew my "lucky" card. Lo and behold! Turned out that I won a Samsung P250K super slim DVD player!

I mean - how blessed can I be? I have always wanted to buy a DVD player for my room last month, but decided against it because I needed the money for the new phone. All I know is that the Lord's generosity has no boundaries and no words can express my surprise and utmost gratitude!

Matt 6:8: For your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings...... I may be poor, but I am super rich in the Lord! :P

Anonymous

James has only been gone for four days, but it seemed like four years.

We both know that any relationship between us now is impossible, and we both know that we have to move on.... because none of us can guarantee what the future holds.

So there goes one of the rarest relationship I ever had in my entire life. One that started and ended on the same day. Someone who needs me, but does not want me. Yet? Or maybe ever. No one knows. As of last night, I learnt that he may not come back after all.

So I am back into the dating game. How tiresome. My friends keep setting me up with guys - whom I could never click with. I don't even know why. All I wanna do is curl up with a gripping novel, a glass of iced cranberry juice, some great jazz music playing in the background - and do some serious reading on my soft comfy bed.

Or I could start blogging regularly - and start updating other parts of my life besides James, the foregone conclusion. Since we are on this topic of blogging, I begun to realise in recent weeks that I have received many anonymous comments. One from a girl, two from guys. I kinda know who they are - especially one who particularly likes to leave his "holier than thou" comments. He thinks he knows what he is talking about, but he's got more serious issues that he does not know of. So he's projecting them onto me - and I really wish he would get over it.

But enough about this boy. Enough said.

I don't mind anonymous comments really. But I find it funny that people leave anonymous comments thinking I do not know where they are from, or who they are. I do know, but I choose not to make a fuss out of it. All I can say is - well, thanks for reading my blog people.

If you ever have the courage to face me, do leave your name and contact number behind. Or at the very least, allow me to email you back -- to thank you for the time and effort that you take to read this load of shit. :)

Have a sensational day.

The Sunday That Changed Everything

It's been more than two weeks since my last entry. I couldn't believe it myself, but I was spending time with James almost every day.

It started from the day I've decided to let go of everything and anything to do with this guy. It's too painful to like someone and not have him, so I guess it's better to give it up than hold on to a hopeless relationship, friendship - whatver he may call it.

I deleted his handphone number. I deleted all his emails. I practically removed any possible channels of reaching this guy, because I know if I don't do that, I will keep contacting him. It's like I needed to be totally cut-off - so that I can be rid of this senseless addiction.

Anyway I was really tired. I was the one who always took the initiative to message him or call him. It seemed that he never felt the need to do the same for me. I guess after a while, I get tired for being taken for granted. So I decided to stop myself from losing my dignity completely. No friendship or relationship should ever be a one-way traffic.

Sunday came and went. I surrounded myself with friends and activities and got home around 12am. There were no messages or calls from him the entire day. My heart sank. This is it. It's a good thing I chose to gave up, cos this guy completely has no place for me in his heart.

12.05am. A message came through. It was him. He told me he had been thinking about me. I was caught off guard, cos I always thought he never cared. We talked, and cleared the air. And since then, we met up every day for lunch, even the day before he left for Qatar.

Those dates were memorable and very beautiful. He bared his heart and feelings in those 2 weeks like never before, as if he had been bottling them up since the day we met.

I knew he had to go. I knew he could not give me any promises. I knew he may not come back so soon. But I also know I have a place in his heart. And I guess that's good enough for me - for now.

The Purging Ritual

I woke up feeling groggy. Must be the sleeping pills I took last night to help me get to sleep.

But I can feel it in the air. It would be a great day today. After an irrational, moody evening yesterday, and a purging of frustrations through my tears, I felt --- cleansed. It was as if I have finally managed to put down those awfully heavy bricks that I have been carrying in my heart for the last two weeks.

Today I felt light. And I felt the chains break away, releasing me from bondage. Sabrina's MSN message struck me -- "We should learn to let go of the things we fear of losing." How very apt and timely.

My friends thought that I was feeling blue over a relationship. Actually, I wasn't. Many times my depression was not a result of ONE event. I don't blame them for not being able to understand. A complex person like myself has multiple layers, and each layer is more difficult to decipher than the next.

It was not about the person anymore. Even the person himself misunderstood that I was holding on because I fell too hard and too fast. I had to explain, but then again, I realised maybe like all others, they hear me, but they do not listen. And even if they do, they would not be able to comprehend the depth of my emotions and how my mind works. I am probably a schizophrenia.

And hence I proceed to elevate myself out of the rut, because I knew no one could help me ever. Like shares in the stock market, I will allow myself to plunge into the lowest possible point, so that the only other way after that would be up.

And that's why the ordinary people would not be able understand the form of my depression.

It encompassed my state of mind then. Plus the events that surrounds it, the past that binds it, the future that inhibits it, and the present that amplifies it. Every time I get blue, it will never be about just one person, one thing, one event - but rather, it will be about the life I am leading, in relation to that person/thing/event. My life looms larger than anything else and takes precedent over every other issue.

Last night was the turning point for those emotional shares. It can only go up today - and I am feeling detached already. Sometimes I amaze myself for being able to feel so passionately one day, and totally cold the next. And the people around me cannot understand the transformation. They just could not believe that it is possible to switch emotions like that.

I could only laugh.

Like what the people at Adidas say, "Impossible is nothing."

It looks to be a wonderful day, and yes, I am so going to enjoy my weekend. :)

The Road Less Travelled...

...is often one that is fraught with obstacles, challenges, dangers and many unforeseen circumstances that may arise when you are on the path. It is also one that is lonely, even in the brightness of the day. It may even be one that takes a much longer time than any other roads.

I feel an urge to liken my life to the road less travelled. My girlfriend joked once that my life is a series of unfortunate events, very much like what Lemony Snickets would love to write about.

I earned my first salary when I was 12. When most of my friends were enjoying the school and public holidays, I would be working the 10-hour shift for my next school fees.

All my close friends got their degrees right after JC/poly. I waited 7 years to start mine because I needed to save for it.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14, and had countless of relationships after that, none of which were fruitful till this very day. My closest girlfriends had no more than 3 relationships and were now happily married with kids.

I know of girls who married their first loves, just like it happens in fairytales. Peers who never have to worry about making ends meet. Friends who have warm, happy family gatherings many times a year to look forward to.

And through it all, I saw that I was standing on the road less travelled. I am alone. The days are bleak and awfully long, and the nights are damp and cold. I see many huge boulders in the way. Gigantic fallen trees. Rotting logs. Poisonous ivy. Quicksand.

It's been one long, difficult road. And it's not getting any easier.

There are times when I thought I have reached the end of the road, and I dreamt of fields of lavender stretching like a vast ocean before me.

But it was not to be so.

My walk with the Lord has been nothing less than fulfilling, enriching, nurturing, but nevertheless, very very painful. I chose the road less travelled, and with that, I allowed myself to be tested at every turn.

I have to learn that sometimes giving up something I love for the Lord, may rip my heart apart, but it is nothing compared to Him giving up His only Son for me. I must believe that whatever I went through and suffered, was so I could keep relying on Him for His love, to sustain me on the road less travelled. And I must trust - that whatever He took away from me, He will give it back to me tenfold.

And all I have to do is Believe....and Wait. And so Lord, I wait.

Goodbye

My emotions are awfully raw today. I could not focus - and I felt like I am in a perpetual daze. I never thought a heart could weigh so heavy. It was practically lying unmoving at the pit of my stomach and there was nothing I could do about it.

Last night I had dinner with James. Supposedly the "goodbye" dinner. He's leaving for Qatar next week, and he may not be coming back. We cleared the air on how we felt about each other, and agreed that it's best we remain friends.

The long distance, the time difference - ain't just gonna work. All we could feel last night, was an extreme sense of loss and pity. It's that feeling where you have finally found something that you really like a lot, have been searching a long time for, and it's right before your eyes - only to realize you have no choice but to let it go.

Not meant to be. Really not meant to be. The right person, the right place, the right feeling, but the wrong time.

Like a sad Korean romance/drama series, James and I are two people who could have been so happy together, but are forced to go our seperate ways. The sense of helplessness and loss is overwhelming.

But then again, he may not be ready for me, even if he's not leaving. He's got issues with his life, his career, his past - and I may merely be someone who happened to fill that gap for now. Everything about us is uncertain. So maybe it's best we leave it unexplored, and say goodbye for now.

Take care James. I will miss you.

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."