Broken Hearts & Trampled Souls

Another lousy day...
My girlfriend broke up with her guy of three years over the weekend. The same evening where I had a soul-baring chat with James.

In a span of 24 hours, she became single again, and I made a new friend - whom I think nevertheless, may not be hanging around for very long.

It's a depressing situation. Her tears broke my heart. Brought me back to the day I was dumped over the phone. Same thing happened to her. I have never seen her so sad - trying so hard to supress her tears when she related what happened.

My heart ached for her terribly. I do not know what to say, except that I totally understand what she is going through right now. I am not in the best position to offer any comfort, as I am a helpless wreck myself.

But her pain now - I believe - is more acute than mine. At least for this moment. It tears me apart to see couples breaking up, after investing many years of time, effort, love and sacrifices. Why would love die so pre-maturely? Why wouldn't it last? What killed love?

I guess there are many reasons, most of which may end up looking suspiciously more like excuses to end a relationship. Looking at her sobbing with such sorrow, my faith in love and relationships leapt headlong into the depths of the hopeless abyzz.

We went for drinks after our Japanese lesson. Gave her my best listening ear, and tried to make her laugh. Told her I will be with her every night if she wanted company - since I am dateless, steadless, boyfrenless and loveless as well. We would keep each other company, and maybe find a great place to go man-spotting every night. Hopefully by giving her my time to help her heal, I can help myself in the process. I want my friend to be happy, and I know it takes more than my company to achieve that.

But at least for now, this is the best I can do, and I'll continue to pray for God's divine intervention - not only for her, but for me as well. I feel both of us need a significant amount of healing - cos the heart is one uncontrollable, irrational and rebellious organ.

I Am A Total Wreck

Some years ago, I had a boyfriend of three years. We broke up because we had major communication issues - and we felt that the relationship was not going anywhere. The next guy that came along broke down my defences by declaring, "I will never hurt you like he did." My heart completely went out to him and I have never loved anyone like that ever since. By the end of the second year, he broke up with me on the phone, long-distance from Sydney. I had been replaced by another girl. The irony is, this one guy has managed to inflict a pain and hurt of such magnitude, that even I could not imagine that it is possible. How did one man accomplish that? I am still reeling badly from the pain - and that relationship had ended 4 years ago.

What then had triggered me to write about it?

I met this guy recently - let's call him James. He reminded me so much of Leon before he gave me up for someone else. A guy like James - I feel - is a subject truly worth studying. He is extremely patient and nice, well-mannered, intelligent, sentimental, loving and sensitive. Probably more so than your typical SNAG. Don't ask me why he is single - cos that's another story altogether - and I don't think it would be right to repeat on this blog.

So James and I met up twice and went out for drinks. Both dates were wonderful. By the first date, he knew more about me than many of my other friends - and vice versa. By the second date, we were chatting from 10.30pm till 6am in the morning, by the riverside at One Fullerton. The chats were definitely an eye-opening experience for me. What are the chances of a person meeting another - with whom you can truthfully bare your heart and secrets to - on the very first date? It may not mean anything to some of you, but it meant a great deal to me.

By the second date, we were truly comfortable with each other. Felt like we have known each other for years. I guess we could go on and on, if not for the fact that we needed rest like any other humans. I have not opened up to any guy since Leon, and I must credit James for having that ability to make me come out of my broken shell. I am really, really grateful. He touched me with his patience and understanding. He said I make him laugh. It's a wonderful start to a great friendship, I thought. I feel liberated, as if the burden I had carried with me, had been slowly eroded by these open chats with James.

Over the weekend, I was suddenly immobilized by a wave of nausea and panic. I could not understand why, and that made it worse. What I felt was liberating, gave way to an acute sense of vulnerability. I realised I have revealed so much of myself to someone I hardly knew - and my heart was once left wide open. The bleeding had not stopped, but the wound was re-opened once again. As much as I was thoroughly enjoying James' company, I was subconsciously keeping him out by encouraging him to leave the country for better prospects, but consciously letting him in through sharing my life story with him.

I felt as if I had enthusiastically digged up all the awful past in my excitement to share, and it is now lying in a messy, sickening pile in front of me. It hit me suddenly that James has seen it all, but soon he would not be around to help me pick up those pieces at all. I am left all alone with that ugly mess, and I wondered how long it would take me to re-bury all of them again. The problem is, in my own self-destructive way, I had also gave James many reasons not to be there. He has his priorities and own set of problems to worry about, and all I could do was convince myself and him that it would be better for him to be away.

Therein lies my problem. I seem to have a knack for self-sabotaging. James is not the issue. The issue is that I have a deeply-rooted psycho/emotional blockage that made me inflict pain on myself over and over again. I gave myself hope, and I killed it with my own bare hands the very same day. I am so self-destructive that I allow the past, the present and the future to hurt me. I cannot explain what this meant, but I know it is something I could not control.

I shared because I needed to - so badly, then I withdraw immediately because I felt so vulnerable. This is closely followed by feelings of fear, depression, and the need to escape and forget - and the ridiculous desire to get away from any one who came near. Anyone who potentially has the ability to trample on my broken spirit - like what Leon has done. I loathe this part of me, really I do.

The saddest part of this whole realization is that, I am not even angry with the guys that came into my life. I don't hate any of them. In fact, I even want to love some of them. But I could not because I am constantly destroying myself - intentionally.

Irene sent me this verse earlier today, after I almost broke down just thinking about what a total, screwed up wreck I am. She said I might need help because it's been 4 years, and I'm getting worse - instead of getting better.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

Lord, help me please.

It's Raining Men

Women are highly pressured in today's society. Any idea why?

When I was in my teens, I was warned to stay off boys. The rebellious me started dating at 14 anyway. Since then, I couldn't remember a period where I didn't have a boyfriend. Until four years ago that is - when some philanderer broke my heart.

Fast forward to 2005 - age 29. I get to know new people. After revealing how "young' I am, I received a barrage of mindless comments like - "You are not young anymore leh. Aren't you afraid?" or "Don't you want to settle down? You'll be left on the shelf cos you are not getting any younger." or worse still - "Why are you not attached? Too choosy ar? High expectations?"

So much for tact. Such presumptuous nimcompoops.

These people are simply asking for it. What happens next is they will receive a whole lecture from me on why I think women should not get married just because societal dictates that it must be so, or that it must happen within a certain age/time limit.

Most ridiculous don't you think?

I do not want to be pressured into marriage just because I am getting OLD. I do not believe couples should rush into marriage because they have received the keys to their new flat. I object violently to the notion of marrying someone just because all my friends are already hitched. And the thought of marrying just for the sake of fulfiling societal standards (set by parents, friends, relatives, and other nosy parkers otherwise known as "KAYPOs") is simply APPALLING.

Marriage - I believe - should still be fundamentally based on compatibility and a lot of respect and love. And if I cannot find anyone who I can respect greatly, love deeply or even have the slightest tinge of compatibility to moi (and my idiosyncracies), then I am better off alone wouldn't I?

Why would anyone want to get married and be stuck in a loveless relationship, in which you disregard your partner and where both personalities are so conflicting that the only way out is to sleep in seperate beds? Or maybe the fastest way - which most young couples are so keen to take on right now - is to sign your name off and divorce yourself from your so-called "loved one".

How convenient. Machiam grocery shopping. You find a flaw in your product, you reject the goods and ask for refund.

So to all out there who's fond of laying the guilt trip on single women like myself, and demanding to know WHY we aren't throwing ourselves to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry that tumbled from the sky, LAY OFF.

Men that we wanted to marry do not sit pertly on supermarket shelves waiting for us to pick them up. Neither are they available in the window displays of shopping malls - for us to grab and drag down the aisle the very same day.

Marriage is not the solution to all single women's problems. In fact, they may jolly well be the beginning of our sorrows. You'd never know, would you?

Kaya Toast and Eggs

Met Debbie for tea today. We had Ya Kun kaya toast and eggs. It was like the old times.

I've known Deb since we were in Primary 5. That makes us friends for what - 18 and a half years? Just like kaya toast and eggs, we go so well together. She has seen me at my best, and been there at my worst.

When we were single, we met at least once a month for dinner, or to celebrate special days such as birthdays, holidays, Christmas, New Year etc. A year ago, she got married - and her baby came a few months later. Since then, we hardly meet and boy, do I miss her.

Of course, marriage and babies do play a part in the shift of priorities. I have learnt to accept that after a few more friends took the steady-marry-baby route. It's only natural that you will start spending less time with your friends.

Meeting her today brought back memories.
Of the days we spent in school.
Of the nights we spent out partying till the wee hours of the morning.
Of the guys we used to fall for.
Of the silly things we used to do when we were giggly young girls.

It feels great to have friends like that. It feels even better to have them after so many years. And though we may not spend as much time now as we'd love to, we are still pretty connected on an emotional level.

As one grows older, I realise our circle of friends shrink - significantly. Keeping friends, and keeping IN TOUCH with them - takes a lot of time and effort. I may not be the best friend ever to any of my friends, but I do know they mean a lot to me.

And as age catches up with me, I try to catch up with these buddies of mine - because good friends, as they say, are as rare a find as faithful husbands.

No Money No Talk

This has been a really challenging year for me. In fact, the last three years have been extremely trying.

I was working and studying at the same time. When I told my friends that I have not taken leave for three years, they thought I was exaggerating. But it's true. I used up all my leave to cram for the examinations. I had to skip classes for work. Sometimes I even had to bring my notes to read on the plane or in the hotel when I am posted for overseas assignments.

Of course - now that I have completed my studies, I can breathe much better. But this is when the strain is being transferred to yet another critical part of my life. From time poverty - to real poverty.

My family depends so heavily on me to bring home the bacon. I have bills to pay, own expenses to take care of, as well as other "inevitable" expenditure that occurs from time to time - friends' weddings, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. Adding on to that is a huge amount of loans that I have incurred in pursuit of my degree - and which I am now servicing on a monthly basis.

I am so heavily laden with this financial burden that sometimes - my mind just slipped into oblivion. I try to keep this from my family - cos I would not want my mum to worry. But you know, there were times when I really felt that it's just too much to bear - all by myself. It can get pretty depressing when you are living from hand to foot every single month.

But I do try to be optimistic about this dismal situation. Just spend less, wait for bonuses to clear some of the smaller loans, stay home on weekends, and spend most of time sleeping - so that I don't have to eat so many meals a day! Hahaha...

But seriously, I do pray for a release out of this quandary, so that I would not be chained to this financial bondage. And I have faith that my prayers will be answered really soon. :)

A Divine Demonstration

Talked to a pal from IRC just now. He was sharing with me how disillusioned he was with love. I could understand why. Out of four relationships - three of his girlfriends cheated on him. One of them ran off with his BEST friend.

Though I have heard many of such stories in recent years, these tragic love stories never cease to amaze me. They keep happening, and I watch The O.C. being replayed in real life time and again.

He went on to say that he would rather invest his time in his work, than on relationships - which he has somehow lost the ability to trust. I could truly relate to that - having been a victim of such betrayals myself. Commitment phobia kicked in the day LC left me for another girl.

Disbelief swept all over your entire being when you finally realize how much of yourself you have sank into the relationship - your heart, soul, time, days, nights, tears. Only to end up with nothing again. It hurts.

However, I know that being a Christian, though I may lose faith in men, I should never lose faith in the Lord. Irene sent me an article recently, and it truly humbled me. Let me share it here on this very blog - and pray that anyone who feels the same as my friend and I, would be comforted by these words.

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A Divine Demonstration of Love
By: Dr. Charles Stanley

We all have some idea of what we think love is. But when we talk about God's unconditional love, what do we mean? Just what is this love?

We have difficulty understanding divine love when we try to define it by its opposite - false "love," which sets limitations and always withholds something. This so - called love clings to control and gives only in order to manipulate. It is emotionally detached and unwilling to be vulnerable.

Genuine love, on the other hand, means loving people for who they are, not for what they have to give. It means understanding who the other person really is and loving without restriction. If you must be in control and your heart is not 100% in it, you don't understand what true love is all about.

Looking at the love of Jesus Christ at the cross, I see the most perfect demonstration of love to be found anywhere. The Savior showed us how unlimited His love is - He gave us Himself and withheld nothing! (Romans 8:32) He also let go of the control that was rightly His. He did not give His love to manipulate us, but rather He gave us a free will so that we could choose to accept or reject Him.

And He loved us with vulnerability, already knowing His love would be rejected - even ignored or mocked. In loving with His whole heart, He was willing to be turned down and hurt.

If you want to know what love is all about, look at the Cross. Jesus gave His best - His all - to love us so that we could become children of God. (1 John 3:1)

Renew, Recharge, Revive

I felt a great sense of accomplishment today.

I actually did a makeover to this blog page. Gave it a new template. Edited some stuff using HTML code (I am so not into HTML editing cos I know nuts about it) and changed my photo. It's as if I've experienced a sense of Renewal through this process. This blog has been neglected since July - and boy, was I stricken with guilt. I'm never one to do things halfway, and it should not start with something as personal as my blog.

My leave starts today and I am given official approval to laze around and do nothing till next Tuesday. So I have decided to sleep as late as possible, not wake up till dinner time, play online games, watch CSI, The O.C, The Practice and other cheesy American dramas, chat on IRC, play mahjong and just do lots of other mindless stuff. That's what I call Total Recharge.

Which brings me to my last thought for the day. Revive.

I felt dead. A living dead. I smile when my heart aches. I laugh when I am on the verge of tears. I cry when I feel happy. And I held on to a love - even after it has died. It's not funny anymore. I want to believe, but I have no courage. I want to move on, but I feel discouraged. I need something, anything, anyone, to bring about a revival in me. But it's not easy. I still feel dead - even when I am breathing.

Sometimes I feel that I have so many secrets I actually do need a walk-in closet for all my skeletons...

Above All

26 July 2004, Monday. This insignificant date marks one of the most significant turning points of my life.

After spending 8 long, fruitful, challenging, exhilarating years in MTV Asia, I've decided to end my illustrious career on this date. Looking back, I drew a ragged breath and marvelled at how far I've come. From producing my very first show on MTV, to interviewing celebrities like Jeff Chang, Vivian Chow, 5566, to launching various MTV branded consumer products all over the world...and i think to myself - this is it.

I literally grew up with the company. It was my life, my inspiration and whatever I stand for. As I looked around and saw the stuff I've created, the people I've met, the ideas I've developed - I felt a sense of loss gripping me. Intense loss. I am leaving all these behind - all the stuff that made me - ME.

But the Lord calls unto me - and shewed me a new path. He said I needed to go for He's prepared a life for me outside of MTV. Letting go of whatever you have now does not mean losing everything, He said. It only means - that you are giving me back all that I have given unto you. The Lord went on to explain, "Now I want to give you something more - and you need to go get it. And when you have done all that you can with it, I shall take it back from you again - and give you something better."

Ain't that wonderful? The Lord makes letting go - an almost heavenly task. No pain - but tons of gain. He took away the baggages of burdens, regrets and misgivings, and in their place, He put packets of joy, thankfulness and anticipation to prepare me for the road ahead.

Hence, when you leave something behind, you don't have to feel sad. Let it remain a legacy, a memory, and a personal piece of work that is perfected in the Lord - and to whom it shall be returned to.

At the end of the day, all I need or want - the Lord will provide. For everything belongs to Him, and comes from Him. Thus I came with nothing. I own nothing. And I leave with nothing. From whence it came, thence it shall return.

I may be poor - but I've been so richly endowned with blessings overflowing that I have no idea what to do with the excess. And above all, I rejoice in my loss, and revel in my poverty.

Thank you for the Rain

I love the rain.

When it falls through the trees and onto the ground, it creates a constant humming and rustling sound.  The falling rain - in a subtle way - reaches into the depths of my heart. Each and every rain drop whispers to me - and gives me comfort like a good friend does.

The rain listens - silently but steadily. The comfort brings an odd sense of calm - and there I remain, protected by the rain's sanctuary. When it trickles, it makes a  jazz-like music on the window pane, the pavement, the car and everything it comes into contact with.

I smile. That's what friends are for isn't it? The rain drops by occasionally - like a good pal. Patiently - it embraces my heart, soothing it with its melodious voice, and washes away the pain.  And there I see remnants of my past slipping away, twirling into oblivion.

Sometimes when the rain comes, I can feel its burden.  That's when i sit by my bed, and listen to the tender and aching sound of the rain. It brings with it the Lord's tears - He was saddened by the uncaring world, sinking deeper into sin.  He was worried when He saw my struggles, and was extremely concerned that I do not bring them up to Him.  He even cries when He saw me hurting. The rain tells me so, in her soft little way.

So there I was on my kness.... my head bowed. I am both consoled and humbled by the rain and what it tells me.  I poured out my grief to the pouring rain - hoping it will carry the beat of my heart to the Lord.

The rain, comes and goes - fleeting as it seems - but its loyalty to me and the Lord is unquestionable. It heals. It comforts. It soothes. It listens. It emphatizes. It understands. It brings the Lord to me, and me to Him. 

I thank Him for the rain.

Love - Option, Necessity or Inevitability?

Sometimes I wonder why people are constantly preoccupied with the notion of Love. Besides the family, love often takes precedent over many things in life - i.e. friends, hobbies, personal life and values and even work. It seemed that love and love alone - somehow manages to make up for all the other bits and pieces that form one's life. Many a time, you hear stories of some love-struck humans live, eat, breath and dream about love - an unknowing victim of Cupid's arrow.

I believe that people do hold different notions of love. So the question now remains - is love an option, a necessity or an inevitability?

If love is an option - life would be much easier isn't it? When you choose to love, you offered your whole heart and soul. When love dies, you simply pack all the lovely memories into a small pouch called "heart", and you move on.

When love is all rosy, your loved one seems beautiful. Her smiles, her touch, her voice brings tingles to your heart. Everything about her gives you a reason to love. The day love rears its ugly head - when your loved one lost her beauty, her smiles, touch and voice no longer excites you - you may find that you could not bring yourself to continue loving her. On that day, love becomes an option.

If love is a necessity - you will go all out to seek true love, find it and never let it go - regardless of whether you really want it. It becomes your life, your soul and the reason for your existence.

When you find yourself needing love to sustain your life, prove your desirability or validate your existence - then love becomes a necessity. For without it, you feel incomplete. If your friends can find true love, so can you.

If love is an inevitability, it will appear when you least expect it. You may meet him across the street, at a cafe, at the popcorn stand, or in school. He may even be a faceless virtual friend that you chatted with last night. No encyclopedia in the world will be able to tell you why that kind of love strikes you like a lightning bolt; or why the attraction is instant or how to unravel those intriguing, unfathomable knots that bind the feelings of two people.

When you find that you no longer have control over your feelings, and that even if you aren't looking for it, it comes knocking on your door. And the more you try keeping it out, the more persistent it will be trying to get in - then love becomes an inevitability. You don't have to search for it - it just comes. It does not care if you need it, if you want it. When the time is right, it wriggles its way into your heart and starts to take root before you even realise it.

Everyone would have probably gone through all the above stages. Hence, the question would be - where are you right now?

Choices

Life has never been a straight line. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, you will even come to the end of the road where there's no other way out.

I have been plagued with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices big and small. Easy ones. Mind boggling ones. Difficult ones. Painful ones. Spiritual ones.

At the point when I am penning this blog, my life came to a crossroad. Four paths going in four different directions. Right in front of me there was this brand new road. It was smooth, brightly lit, and a solid white door at the end which opens up a whole new world of opportunities, and probably uncertainties. Who knows what lies beyond that beautiful door?
My new job maybe?

Behind me was a war-torn battlefield. It's fraught with obstacles and littered with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles, a reeking stench hanging in the air. What used to be glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected have been reduced to nothing more than ashen rubble. This is where my struggles have taken root right now. My job of 8 years.

To my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. There wasn't a soul in sight. Just acres and acres of white sand. A bed in the middle of it all signifies the resting place for my tired soul. It feels lonely, and gets a wee chilly at night. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I lay there often, with my eyes looking up to those stars winking with limitless optimism, and I ponder over my single status right now.

On the left, I see beds and beds of champagne lilies - its beautiful petals basking in the warm hue of the evening sun. Love's scent filled the air, embracing me in its subtle passion. It rained kisses on my fatigued soul, and nudged me gently to indulge in this lovely haven. I hesitated - because nothing's permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. I have no way to avoid them, and yet I cannot make them. I feel like I'm in a mudslide sinking deeper by the day.

Stepping Out

Geez. I stopped keeping a diary of my thoughts since I was 15. I used to pen poision thoughts about my mum, and wished with all my heart that she would die, because she was abusing me not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It was so bad that I was almost drive to suicide, not once - but twice.

A few years later, it hurt me to read those venomous stuff that I have written in my diary. I tore the whole book up with bare hands, and told myself that I would never allow myself to write down such vengeful thoughts, ever again.

Recently I got to know a friend, who kept a blog, and updated it religiously. I really envied him. I always had a flair for writing - and I am better at expressing myself in the printed word. I had a dream to write my own book one day. But I am caught in time poverty like everyone else around me, and had to shelf my dreams for writing.

Then came the evolution of online blogs like these, and friends like Petty Boy who possess a constant commitment to keep his blog updated - for one and all to read his thoughts, his feelings, his life. I remembered that I started one such blog not too long ago, but gave it up halfway 'cos I became too busy, too lazy, and too scared to share my thoughts.

Well, here I am - stepping out once again to try the blog the again. I will slowly share and unravel my life with anyone who cares to read, and maybe, one day...these collections will form part of the book that I will be writing some day. And maybe, each of you who have read this would be a contributor to this book as well - should that day ever come.

Meanwhile, the best you can do for me - is read this blog and share your feelings with me....if any.