Some years ago, I had a boyfriend of three years. We broke up because we had major communication issues - and we felt that the relationship was not going anywhere. The next guy that came along broke down my defences by declaring, "I will never hurt you like he did." My heart completely went out to him and I have never loved anyone like that ever since. By the end of the second year, he broke up with me on the phone, long-distance from Sydney. I had been replaced by another girl. The irony is, this one guy has managed to inflict a pain and hurt of such magnitude, that even I could not imagine that it is possible. How did one man accomplish that? I am still reeling badly from the pain - and that relationship had ended 4 years ago.
What then had triggered me to write about it?
I met this guy recently - let's call him James. He reminded me so much of Leon before he gave me up for someone else. A guy like James - I feel - is a subject truly worth studying. He is extremely patient and nice, well-mannered, intelligent, sentimental, loving and sensitive. Probably more so than your typical SNAG. Don't ask me why he is single - cos that's another story altogether - and I don't think it would be right to repeat on this blog.
So James and I met up twice and went out for drinks. Both dates were wonderful. By the first date, he knew more about me than many of my other friends - and vice versa. By the second date, we were chatting from 10.30pm till 6am in the morning, by the riverside at One Fullerton. The chats were definitely an eye-opening experience for me. What are the chances of a person meeting another - with whom you can truthfully bare your heart and secrets to - on the very first date? It may not mean anything to some of you, but it meant a great deal to me.
By the second date, we were truly comfortable with each other. Felt like we have known each other for years. I guess we could go on and on, if not for the fact that we needed rest like any other humans. I have not opened up to any guy since Leon, and I must credit James for having that ability to make me come out of my broken shell. I am really, really grateful. He touched me with his patience and understanding. He said I make him laugh. It's a wonderful start to a great friendship, I thought. I feel liberated, as if the burden I had carried with me, had been slowly eroded by these open chats with James.
Over the weekend, I was suddenly immobilized by a wave of nausea and panic. I could not understand why, and that made it worse. What I felt was liberating, gave way to an acute sense of vulnerability. I realised I have revealed so much of myself to someone I hardly knew - and my heart was once left wide open. The bleeding had not stopped, but the wound was re-opened once again. As much as I was thoroughly enjoying James' company, I was subconsciously keeping him out by encouraging him to leave the country for better prospects, but consciously letting him in through sharing my life story with him.
I felt as if I had enthusiastically digged up all the awful past in my excitement to share, and it is now lying in a messy, sickening pile in front of me. It hit me suddenly that James has seen it all, but soon he would not be around to help me pick up those pieces at all. I am left all alone with that ugly mess, and I wondered how long it would take me to re-bury all of them again. The problem is, in my own self-destructive way, I had also gave James many reasons not to be there. He has his priorities and own set of problems to worry about, and all I could do was convince myself and him that it would be better for him to be away.
Therein lies my problem. I seem to have a knack for self-sabotaging. James is not the issue. The issue is that I have a deeply-rooted psycho/emotional blockage that made me inflict pain on myself over and over again. I gave myself hope, and I killed it with my own bare hands the very same day. I am so self-destructive that I allow the past, the present and the future to hurt me. I cannot explain what this meant, but I know it is something I could not control.
I shared because I needed to - so badly, then I withdraw immediately because I felt so vulnerable. This is closely followed by feelings of fear, depression, and the need to escape and forget - and the ridiculous desire to get away from any one who came near. Anyone who potentially has the ability to trample on my broken spirit - like what Leon has done. I loathe this part of me, really I do.
The saddest part of this whole realization is that, I am not even angry with the guys that came into my life. I don't hate any of them. In fact, I even want to love some of them. But I could not because I am constantly destroying myself - intentionally.
Irene sent me this verse earlier today, after I almost broke down just thinking about what a total, screwed up wreck I am. She said I might need help because it's been 4 years, and I'm getting worse - instead of getting better.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)
Lord, help me please.