DECONSTRUCTION

THIS PAGE IS CURRENTLY UNDER DECONSTRUCTION.

It’s been a while since I took a break.
Thanks for staying with my blog and coming this far.

For those who stayed with me, rooted for me, and did not leave me to my own devices, I thank you - for not letting me rot by myself. Your words, time, support and encouragement were invaluable.

Herbie, Syphon, Fireborn, Bee, Matilda, Isabel, Jade Falcon. Thanks for staying by me all the way, in both good and bad times. My days and nights have been so much more bearable because you were here.

As for the others who are waiting for me to 'recover' before they could talk to or spend time with me, thanks for being there during the good times. Thanks also for showing me how far you can retreat during the bad ones. Retreated you have, and there you shall stay. The door to Hotel Solace shut behind you the day I was left behind, alone to sort myself out.

For those who stuck around - till we meet again, smile and be happy. :)

Who I Am In Your Eyes

Yen told me an interesting thing last night. Apparently, there was an article in this month's issue of Her World, where a guy claims that sweet girls make him diabetic. He added that in a recent research, for Singaporean men, "sweet and demure" top their Most Wanted list for girls.

I think I know why. The sweet and demure girl somehow never fails to melt your heart, with that vulnerability in their eyes, their smile, their words, their actions and most importantly, their saccharine sweet looks.

I have a girlfriend who's exactly like that. Everything from her looks to her voice, from her giggles to her words, from her behaviour to her personality, from her dressing to her nail colour, every part of her screams "SWEET & DEMURE". At one of our Social Networking Nights, out of a group of 5 guys who met her for the first time, 3 were completely swooning over her.

Knowing I could never be sweet and demure, I hence decided to embark on a little survey, with a completely unrepresentative sample size.

So, in my pursuit of uncovering the awful truth, I cannot help but wonder - what do guys really think about me?

Without disclosing the identities of those who took part in this li'l survey, here's what I found out about myself:

(1) Melancholic
(2) Opinionated
(3) Strong willed
(4) Sensitive
(5) Emotional
(6) Expressive
(7) Loving
(8) Sweet
(9) Attractive
(10) Magnetic
(11) Comfy (I was told that I exude comfort; very comfortable to be with)
(12) Caring
(13) Cheerful
(14) Hardworking
(15) Carefree
(16) Friendly

Some others pointed out other traits of mine - such as: Stubborn, Ambitious, Sensual, Intense, Loyal, Confident and yes, not forgetting FUNNY.

Somehow I feel they use those lovely words above because they are simply too sweet to me tell the brutal truth about myself. Put the above traits together, you may actually get a very desirable woman! But that is so far from the truth, painted by such poignant words from very forgiving friends.

I do appreciate all these beautiful and politcally correct comments. I am sure there are more, and if you want to contribute to the infamous list above, let me know. I will put it up and ponder over it. I am not even totally sure that those attributes mentioned above belong to me. As much as they can boost one's self-esteem, they also made me wonder if I really do exhibit these traits - consciously or otherwise.

Hence, I searched my soul once again for an answer, looking into the depths of my heart.

No answer lies there.

Heartbreak Hotel

If every year is an episode from a sitcom, 2006 for me would be titled "Hurting Men".

I have no idea why it is so, but in a span of 8 months, I met 3 of such men. Has the Lord send them my way for a reason, a season or a lifetime? What was the purpose of placing me in their paths - to be a friend in need, a listening ear, or a passing cloud? Or maybe, a solace-filled resting stop?

James was first in line. He's got 4 girlfriends, who left him for one of two reasons. It's either his job, or for some other men. The last one was a single parent with a kid. He was with her for 5 years, gave her all his time and heart, took care of her kid and loved him like his own. She dumped him for an Aussie and totally crushed him inside out. When I met him, he was still reeling from the pain. I could only provide a listening ear, and a place for him to rest and heal without having to feel obligated to me. And so I did, before he checked out for Qatar.

Then I met Ronin. I call him an educated Ah-Beng. He's so not your sensitive new age guy like James. He's gruff, he's nonchalant, he's got a whole slew of Hokkien profanities in his vocabulary. But he also speaks very well, is effectively bilingual and has a kind heart. He's funny too, but beneath all that, his hurt ran so deep that he became totally non-commital to anyone. He came home from work one day, and saw his best friend and his girl friend making out in his house, in his bedroom, on his bed. Triple betrayal. What can I say? Ronin, unlike James, hardly confides. He puts on this air of nonchalance, and takes life each day as it comes. He does not need love nor a listening ear. He just wants company. And he found Hotel Solace in me - checking in and out whenever he pleases, for a good laugh or a simple dinner.

Hotel Solace received a 3rd guest recently. Danny checked in many months ago, with baggages loaded with issues. The struggles rendered him hopeless, and he checked out the day after, dragging with him the burdens that he came with and did not appear again until a few weeks ago. He faced similar issues as the two men above, and needed to take a vacation, but Hotel Solace proved to be quite a challenge for him. Or so he claims. Why? Because I am Hotel Solace, and in this case, it would be easier for him to rise beyond his problems if I was just a passing cloud. Checking in for a second time, his suitcase seems lighter. But I've got a feeling - a hunch, that his issues are yet to be fully resolved. I can feel his angst beneath his tough exterior, and the hopelessness in his smile. Somehow I know, that those issues are merely swept under an expensive pool table. But if that is his form of closure, who am I to question?

I will just be the friend in need, standing by the reception counter - for him and all other hurting men that the Lord has placed in my life. Why? Like I said before - I have no idea.

Fairytale

I love Faeries. They exude a sense of peace, and are always surrounded by an unseen aura of sensuality and serenity. An epitome of beauty - and silent strength.

At times, I feel like the faerie in the picture above. My wings are tired from flying. My soul weary, my spirit ebbing away and I feel naked and pained. I want a resting place, even if it meant perching on top of a toadstool. The resting place is not as important as the act of resting itself.

Then there are times I feel spirited, my wings spread to take on the world. I can soar above all heights. I feel the winds beneath my wings and the moonlight on my back, lifting me higher and taking me further and further away from everything that is holding me back.

Faeries usually hang out in the woods, far away from the sight of men. Which is not a surprise, considering how we corrupt the world.

I felt cold, but the moon showered warmth tenderly over me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I was trying to heal, but the wounds no longer hurt. I almost wish I could live my life again, but i have no regrets.

And like the faerie, I am hiding in the enchanting woods right now, basking in sweet solitude - and waiting to hear the songs of the trees.

American Soap

I was chatting with a guy 8 years my junior recently - about relationships and stuff. He was lamenting about how he feels stifled when his girlfriend gets upset whenever he spends time with his pals.

I stopped at that point to take stock of myself. Have I ever been like that to my ex-boyfriend (s)? Was I possessive? When will we ever learn to love someone for who they are instead of trying to change them the moment we become a couple?

My friends asked if I am going to get myself a date soon. Having been single after a heartwrenching breakup four years ago, I could not bring myself to answer. Not that I have the answer anyway.

I expressed my concerns about relationships. I felt that I have wasted my time on that relationship four years ago - because it ended anyway despite all the time, efforts and feelings that I've so painstakingly invested. His view however, was that if one has not invested 100% feelings into a relationship, it will be doomed for failure right from day one.

The thing is, for me, investing 100% in a relationship may not necessary yield satisfactory returns. Like any other investments, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes, as in my case, you lose heavily. But unlike money, you cannot earn those feelings back. Once they have been invested, they're probably gone forever once that relationship ends.

My cynicism on ever finding any true relationship which I can invest 100% of my love is further heightened by the fact that I have many friends who were cheating on their partners. I cannot help but wonder - if love is what completes a person, why is it a worthy investment for some, and a losing bet for others?

Didn't these people marry out of love? Didn't they vow till death do us part? Life as one entity has barely begun and they were already starting to contemplate the "D" word.

On the front, they seemed like the perfect couple - which I always felt only exist in Hollywood movies and fairytales. But like a scene from The O.C. and Desperate Housewives combined, things are not always what they seemed.

I guess that's why I am still single. :)

Giggles of the Day

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

I Should Be So Happy

I usually like to pride myself for being an optimistic pessismist. I am pessismistic by nature - but have over the years learn to take things lightly, laugh over my mistakes, make a fool of myself to make my friends laugh and to just enjoy life each and every day - no matter how hard life has been to me.

I have also learnt that the most effective way to stay contented and happy even though you are down in the doldrums is to praise the Lord all the time, for everything that's happening in my life. That way, even when I am having an extremely trying day, I am still grateful.

Hence, over the years, I've developed some Rena's "life philosophies".

1. Don't let anyone who does not mean anything to you bring you down. Hence, I would only feel hurt if someone dear to me let me down - i.e. close friends, family, boyfriend etc. Any other extras who fall outside of this category can do whatever they want to me, I will just refuse to accord them the power to hurt me. The more they try, the more I shut them out.

2. There's no such thing as a bad day. Bad days to me, are actually "character building" days. So if I'm going through a rough patch today, it's definitely a character building day. Lord works in His ways to polish and refine me to something better.

3. Alcohol and cigarettes are depressants. Music and friends are spirit boosters. Pick your poison.

4. When you feel extremely depressed and discouraged, remember that there will always be someone who's ten times worse off than you. Life still goes on for them, so why not you?

5. Courage is not a lack of fear. It is the act of facing up to your problems even in the presence of fear. Be positive about yourself - what do you have to lose anyway?

I can probably go on and on to create an ala David Letterman's Top 10s. But you probably got the gist. Life is short - so work smart, play hard and count your blessings more than your misfortunes. You will soon discover more reasons to smile...

Thank You For The Music

Music is a great healer. Not only is it hailed as a universal language (next to sex), it is an amazing antidote to many life's challenges.

When I wanna express how much my girl friends mean to me, Michael W Smith serenaded me with an apt rendition of Friends.

The day my ex walked away from my life, I cried to the beautiful sounds of Expose - I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.

When the going gets rough, I was comforted by Hacken Lee's upbeat Canto pop Red Sun.

My pent-up angst and frustration was released as I screamed through Linkin' Park's In The End.

I Will Survive brought me out of days filled with frustration and agony.

And no matter what happens, Over The Rainbow will always calm my edgy soul.

There is always a song for any chapter in my life. The good times and the bad ones. Music has been an integral part of who I am - because it speaks volumes of feelings that I cannot otherwise express, and tales which I can never tell anyone.

Music describes my emotions, my moods, my sufferings, my joys and whatever I was going through at a point in time. I feel moved, understood, loved and comforted - and a mixed bag of other feelings all at the same time, and words cannot describe how music has healed me over the years when I was struggling, grappling and gasping - for a less painful life.

All I can say is - Thank you for the music.

My Secret Sanctuary

If there's anything that I love doing more in the world than sleeping, it would have to be writing.

A writer, like any other person with artistic abilities, is temperamental. Eccentric. Creative. Highly emotional. Sensitive.

These are the qualities that I can live with. Because I love to create something out of nothing.

Spin a fairytale where I can escape into and live happily ever after.

Pen a poem when I am inspired, or when words elude me verbally.

Write a masterpiece to influence the lives of some - and touch the hearts of others.

Vent my feelings and let the emotions flow so that I may be released from the complex thoughts that are constantly plaguing whatever's left of my mind.

I write because the words in print mean that my inner most secrets and treasures can be immortalized in a physical form.

I write because I cannot suppress an outburst of my ideas. I write because people, things and events around me inspire me.

I write because I feel and because I emphatize.

I write because I have been touched, and because I am grateful.

I write because I am filled with love, or otherwise drowned in sadness.

I write because I can affect you, or because you've made an impact in my life.

I write because I can and because I want to. Read my writings and hope they'll inspire you. Welcome to my secret sanctuary - The Starlite Cafe.

Faith In The First Degree

I read an article on the Spirit of Faith. Faith, according to the Scripture,...is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses] (Hebrews 11:1).

I think this is a very powerful message. How many times, I wonder, have I allow my faith to dwindle every time I face an obstacle in life? Did I give up? Did I perservere? When I gave up, was it with an open heart or was I embittered?

It's never easy to have faith when you are down and out, broken and hurt, discouraged and disappointed. But I do believe that faith restores a person, and it's really up to us how we can perpetuate this into our lives - no matter how rough the going is.

The article pointed out the tremendous importance of not only believing God's Word, but also speaking God's Word. The type of words we speak determines the type of power that influences our lives!

What many people did not realise that by speaking and repeating negative words of discouragement, despair, defeat, and the like, we get into agreement with the devil and open the door for him to produce the very conditions of the words we are speaking.

But when we consistently and persistently speak the promises of God, we get into agreement with Him and open the door for His promises to become reality.

"We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak." - 2 Corinthians 4:13

If you are feeling lost, down, and totally worthless at this point in time, I hope this poem of mine can be of help. If it touches you, drop me a comment. :)

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."

BELIEVE

Believe that Love heals everything
And takes away all pain
Believe that Grace has been given
So that we can live again

Believe that Hope keeps you going
Whenever you feel low
Believe that Faith will take you there
‘Cause in your heart it grows

Believe that Peace is bestowed upon you
To give your soul some rest
Believe that Joy is yours forever
So live life to the best

Believe that people happen for a reason
Some to make your life complete
Believe that the Lord is near always
And He knows just what you need

© 2005 Rena Tan. All rights reserved.

Vitamin "V"

It's been a super hectic week. I have been given a new portfolio at work - and since Monday - I have been working my fleshy ass off. But the work's really exciting, and I cannot wait to start on the projects that I have been tasked to do. From movie premieres, to concerts, from award shows to branded parties such as ZoukOut and Ibiza, I can envision lots of adrenaline-pumping events ahead!

But of course, that new portfolio comes with a new formula.
More work = Sleep deprivation x more severe insomnia + more sleeping pills.

Valium has become my daily dose of vitamin. I seriously need to sleep more.

Which I will be doing today, so my blog will be short and sweet. From tomorrow onwards, I will be transferring all my past ravings from an old blog to this one. Why would one need two blogs anyway? Might as well show all aspects of moi in one secret sanctuary.

By the way, I love great people like C.S Lewis, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller and many significant others - simply because they all have one thing in common. They have the ability to dish out life's little idiosyncracises in the simplest form - many of which can keep me wide awake at night sometimes.

Here's a cute little sample "parting shot" for you to mull over before I return soon with more of my life's saga.

"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends." - Benjamin Franklin

Testosterone Overdose

Friday night. August 12, 2005.

I was awfully sloshed that night. It's been a year since I organized such a large party.

The last time I drank myself silly was my farewell party when I decided to leave MTV. Alan from Shin Bar kept the drinks coming and we were swimming in mixers, shots, tequillas, martinis etc. I was in such high spirits that the moment I got home, I heaved my foot up into the kitchen sink with the intention of washing it there. That should be the highlight of my mundane life.

Friday night was equally memorable. The party @Barnone was initially hinged on one great purpose. I planned to introduce a pretty single babe friend of mine, to an equally charming guy buddy. But it would be awkward if there were only three of us. So I started inviting some guys and my regular group of single babe friends (which I may introduce in another blog soon!). The guys started bringing friends and all hell broke loose.

From an initial group of 7 guys and gals, the party exploded to a party of 11 guys and 6 girls. How did that happen - I seriously don't have a clue. But I must admit, it was one great party with all that testosterone swirling around us girls.

The guys' hitlist includes:
1. Roy (my MSN friend) with his three friends, Kevin, Winston and Steven
2. Gary (my fav male buddy!!) and friend Justin
3. David (a marketing partner) and friend Kim Min
4. Jin (my colleague from Nighspots dept - he got us the table at Barnone) and Jeffery (whose last day at STB was that Fri)
5. William - Jin's friend
6. Jack (my closest male buddy)
7. Joshua (someone who's been hanging out at my Exclusive Singles Babe Club in recent weeks. Lucky bugger!)

I was quite amused by this interesting mix of men. One guy spent the whole night tucking himself into the corner of the wall, obviously shy with all the girls around. Another bloke was so caught up with some big business - busy sms-ing throughout the night to some imaginary hot chick. The rest of the predators were milling around the girls, chatting them up, offering drinks, and shaking their butts to the music of Douglas O.

Yes. It's one wild party MINUS the orgies. Plus a little drama thrown in as well for good measure, but I won't be recounting that because it's not meant for public consumption. :P

So being the hostess and 'mamasan', I flitted around performing my duties of introducing everyone, drinking as I go along. Whiskeys, red wine, shots, beers - they somehow found their way into my glass. Before I knew it, my knees went weak. And yes, that very night, I adorned the beautiful marble floor tiles of Marriott Hotel lobby with a beautiful, reddish puke pattern. Quite ingenious I must say.

My friends told me later that they totally enjoyed this "singles" night out. I may seriously consider doing a few more of such "Singles NetPartying Sessions".

And maybe this time, I might learn to stay sober.