da agonising aunt

not long ago, I posed some questions here which interestingly generated many heartwarming responses. they are also sincere, extremely sensible and solid advice from some of you here.

my take? since i am the only one who carries the burden of the full story behind each of these questions, I shall answer them the way i know best, and the way I know how.

what would i say...

1) ...to a guy friend who ask you what a man must do to make the girl he loves happy?

many times i know of men who do things they think will make the girl happy. many times i have tried telling men that's not the point.

don't do the things that you think I like. do the things I really like.

but first of all, do you know what I like?

making a girl feel loved isn't really rocket science. don't give her roses when she likes cactus. don't give her chocolates when she doesn't have a sweet tooth. don't take her out to watch horror films if she prefers comedies. don't give logical solutions to issues that she's worried about, when all she needs is an understanding ear.

A girl would be presently surprised if a guy takes time to learn more about her - her preferences, idiosyncracies, habits, soft spots, favourites etc.

She will feel extremely pampered if you can 'read' her mind, pre-empt what she wants to say or do, or say the things she wants to hear. She will be truly flattered if you know exactly what she wants from the menu; which song to put on the CD player; when she needs a massage; or how many spoonfuls of sugar for her cuppa tea.

And all it takes is a little more observation; a little more probing, and a little more attentiveness.

2) ...to a girl who is in love with someone she does not really trust?

i would give you all the advice you can take. but i realised after going through so many rounds of heart-to-heart talk sessions, you really don't need any advice at all. deep down inside every woman, there is a logic alarm that ticks away every time we get stuck in situations like this.

women cannot stop rationalising every single issue.

they know exactly what they should or should not be doing. but the heart wins over the mind - 90% of the time - because we are such emo creatures. they go through meaningless and seemingly hopeless situations anyway even if it hurts the hell out them.

and i realise the best advice i can ever, ever give to a girl friend is - do what your heart tells you. whatever i say will not do anything for you if your emotions have already overwhelmed your sensibility and judgement. do what you want. pursue what you desire. do everything that defies all logic so that you will never be plagued with "what ifs" and regrets 10 years down the road.

at the end of the day, if you do get hurt or disappointed, i will be here to catch you when you fall.

3) ...to a good friend who prefers to leave her life to Fate, and believes she's meant to be lonely and loveless?

if you leave your life to 'Fate', don't just leave 20% or 30% of it, simply because it seems like the best excuse you can give to yourself for a particular portion of your life that is going wrong. let 100% of your life be controlled by Fate - not just love, but money, the way you look, your behaviour, the way men treats you, your friends, your family, your work, your studies, your confidence, your sense of pride, and all your successes and failures.

there's really no need to fight for or prove anything at all. just be fatalistic all the way - and tell youself that's how your life is going to be and will never change or improve. you can't do anything about it no matter what kind of shit comes your way.

and you cannot really claim any credit to your name for all the good things that happened either. seriously, if Fate was ever in the picture, surely you wouldn't be so delusional as to actually believe that it's all your hard work, persistence and optimisim?

don't leave Fate to only control how and where your relationships will end up, but tell me you are in control for the other aspects of your life. Fate doesn't discriminate which part of your life to influence or take over. If you believe in Fate, naturally you have to accept that you simply have no choice in life. zilch. remember you don't have any control over or run it anymore.

everything is up to Fate. and so it shall be. for love and everything else. for now and eternity.

4) ...to a sister who is hurting from the loss of one love, and confused about the love from another?

do not do unto others what you would not want others to do unto you. give yourself a chance to learn how to let go, and a chance to learn how to love again. it's ok to be confused, because we are like that most of the time anyway.

but it's not ok to drag someone else into the mess when you are not ready. it's bad enough that you are hurting. it's irresponsible to disregard the feelings of the one who loves you.

if you are ever confused and hurting at the same time, what you really need is a break from relationships. i've heard the part where you need to be with another new love interest to let go of the one that soured.

take it from a seasoned woman like me - it ain't gonna work.

you will just keep changing the men till you stop hurting, and that may take a while. for me, it took many wrong and short-lived trial relationships to understand how screwed up i've become. how needy and eager for attention and company i've become. how much of my whole self-worth has been built around how much love i can get from a man. it's not healthy for your emotional well-being, and it's unfair to burden someone else with the brunt of your confusion.

in that relationship-bulldozing process, you are just going to get more dysfunctional, more confused and be constantly looking for love at all the wrong places.

confusion clouds the brain and that's as simple as i can put it. it is the corniest and oldest line in the aunt agony book - but time truly lifts those dark clouds and gives you the space you need to think. and it definitely heals all wounds.

once you start thinking, you would know what will be the next best thing to do - not only for yourself, but for the ones who love you.