I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

da agonising aunt


not long ago, I posed some questions here which interestingly generated many heartwarming responses. they are also sincere, extremely sensible and solid advice from some of you here.

my take? since i am the only one who carries the burden of the full story behind each of these questions, I shall answer them the way i know best, and the way I know how.


what would i say...


1) ...to a guy friend who ask you what a man must do to make the girl he loves happy?

many times i know of men who do things they think will make the girl happy. many times i have tried telling men that's not the point.

don't do the things that you think I like. do the things I really like.

but first of all, do you know what I like?

making a girl feel loved isn't really rocket science. don't give her roses when she likes cactus. don't give her chocolates when she doesn't have a sweet tooth. don't take her out to watch horror films if she prefers comedies. don't give logical solutions to issues that she's worried about, when all she needs is an understanding ear.

A girl would be presently surprised if a guy takes time to learn more about her - her preferences, idiosyncracies, habits, soft spots, favourites etc.

She will feel extremely pampered if you can 'read' her mind, pre-empt what she wants to say or do, or say the things she wants to hear. She will be truly flattered if you know exactly what she wants from the menu; which song to put on the CD player; when she needs a massage; or how many spoonfuls of sugar for her cuppa tea.

And all it takes is a little more observation; a little more probing, and a little more attentiveness.


2) ...to a girl who is in love with someone she does not really trust?

i would give you all the advice you can take. but i realised after going through so many rounds of heart-to-heart talk sessions, you really don't need any advice at all. deep down inside every woman, there is a logic alarm that ticks away every time we get stuck in situations like this.

women cannot stop rationalising every single issue.

they know exactly what they should or should not be doing. but the heart wins over the mind - 90% of the time - because we are such emo creatures. they go through meaningless and seemingly hopeless situations anyway even if it hurts the hell out them.


and i realise the best advice i can ever, ever give to a girl friend is - do what your heart tells you. whatever i say will not do anything for you if your emotions have already overwhelmed your sensibility and judgement. do what you want. pursue what you desire. do everything that defies all logic so that you will never be plagued with "what ifs" and regrets 10 years down the road.


at the end of the day, if you do get hurt or disappointed, i will be here to catch you when you fall.


3) ...to a good friend who prefers to leave her life to Fate, and believes she's meant to be lonely and loveless?

if you leave your life to 'Fate', don't just leave 20% or 30% of it, simply because it seems like the best excuse you can give to yourself for a particular portion of your life that is going wrong. let 100% of your life be controlled by Fate - not just love, but money, the way you look, your behaviour, the way men treats you, your friends, your family, your work, your studies, your confidence, your sense of pride, and all your successes and failures.

there's really no need to fight for or prove anything at all. just be fatalistic all the way - and tell youself that's how your life is going to be and will never change or improve. you can't do anything about it no matter what kind of shit comes your way.

and you cannot really claim any credit to your name for all the good things that happened either. seriously, if Fate was ever in the picture, surely you wouldn't be so delusional as to actually believe that it's all your hard work, persistence and optimisim?

don't leave Fate to only control how and where your relationships will end up, but tell me you are in control for the other aspects of your life. Fate doesn't discriminate which part of your life to influence or take over. If you believe in Fate, naturally you have to accept that you simply have no choice in life. zilch. remember you don't have any control over or run it anymore.

everything is up to Fate. and so it shall be. for love and everything else. for now and eternity.


4) ...to a sister who is hurting from the loss of one love, and confused about the love from another?

do not do unto others what you would not want others to do unto you. give yourself a chance to learn how to let go, and a chance to learn how to love again. it's ok to be confused, because we are like that most of the time anyway.

but it's not ok to drag someone else into the mess when you are not ready. it's bad enough that you are hurting. it's irresponsible to disregard the feelings of the one who loves you.

if you are ever confused and hurting at the same time, what you really need is a break from relationships. i've heard the part where you need to be with another new love interest to let go of the one that soured.

take it from a seasoned woman like me - it ain't gonna work.

you will just keep changing the men till you stop hurting, and that may take a while. for me, it took many wrong and short-lived trial relationships to understand how screwed up i've become. how needy and eager for attention and company i've become. how much of my whole self-worth has been built around how much love i can get from a man. it's not healthy for your emotional well-being, and it's unfair to burden someone else with the brunt of your confusion.

in that relationship-bulldozing process, you are just going to get more dysfunctional, more confused and be constantly looking for love at all the wrong places.

confusion clouds the brain and that's as simple as i can put it. it is the corniest and oldest line in the aunt agony book - but time truly lifts those dark clouds and gives you the space you need to think. and it definitely heals all wounds.

once you start thinking, you would know what will be the next best thing to do - not only for yourself, but for the ones who love you.

19 comments:

Andrew said...

1. spend money
2. ask him to spend money
3. spend money on retail theraphy
4. spend money on retail theraphy

Ask Josephine, she knows all abt money and how to best spend it.

Btw, is she still calling for me?

NJS said...

1. I been through this and a experienced friend's advice is this:" If the girl likes you, She will be happy with whatever effort you put forth. But if she dun like you, you can try all you can but don't expect too much. Atleast you be happy."

2. Trust is part of love- if its mutual. How to love someone you don't trust? There's no foundation to that.

3. Fate. IMHO, no (wo)man should be an island. No life partner is better than having a bad life partner. Singlehood doesn't equate to lonely and loveless life- get yourself a pet, surround yourself with nice friends like elvina etc.

4. Time will heal your wounds. All the best for future endearvours...

Anonymous said...

Dump the gal, want elvina only. :P

Cavalock said...

1. give the guy a break. he's gonna make a couplea mistakes first before getting what she wants/likes.

2. "Do what your heart tells you" ...wtf?!? Wouldn't that be what got ger into all this heartbreak mess in the first place? Use your heard, never let your heart do the thinking for u.

3. Gawd, i sure as hell hope that's Reverse Psychology 101 u using...

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Andrew: No she doesn't call anymore. When are you passing me the money for my retail therapy?

NJS: Thanks for the sweet compliment at the end of your advice.

Anonymous: Do I smell a stalker? haha

Cavalock:
(1) One day you will come to realise, no matter how much a girl loves you or claim to love you, she will still expect to be loved the way she WANTS to be loved, and not the way a man think how she should be loved. The way you express your love means everything - and even if you do it your way, it doesn't mean true bliss for her unless you give it to her - her way. Mistakes are fine, but not if they persist. Otherwise, both parties should just talk instead of assuming.

(2) One day you will also come to realise that you can spend hours, days, weeks, months, years talking to a girl who has certain relationship issues - and every time you will offer the same good advice to her broken heart. The next time you comes to you, you find yourself repeating the same words of comfort.

Nothing gets in when a woman is feeling this way. No matter how logical, how true, how objective and how useful and valuable your advice can be. You can tell them 1001 million times, they will come back lamenting about the same issues.

I learnt to let go and tell them - you are an adult. You make your own life choices. I've given you advice, but if you persist in doing things your way - please go ahead. Most important thing is never live your life with regrets. if you have to go through pain and hardships to learn that it's not worth it, then u gotta go through it.

The only thing i can do for you is be here, when that happens. Because you will come to realise no matter what you tell them NOT to do, they will still go ahead and do it and hurt themselves. This is woman for u.



(3) Reverse psychology? Maybe. I don't believe in Fate - because to me Fate is absolute. So my close friends would know I am speaking the truth in this post, and if they take the time to think about it, they will realise I am just being a realist. Either you are fatalistic or you are not. I cannot put it more clearly than this.

You cannot conveniently assign Fate to certain parts of your life. It just doesn't work that way.

Maybe it'd be easier for me to swallow if they have said it's in the Lord's plans. But then again, who are we to know?

A good friend doesn't just tell you all the nice and sweet things you want to hear to make you feel good. A friend who truly cares, will do her utmost to help and give another perspective to an otherwise hopeless situation.

At this moment, I cannot find a better way of talking people out of fatalistic mindsets, except to use pure logic. If you have a better way to advise, do share with me.

DJ-Archangel said...

Elvina...

Just detected some inconsistency with your answer...


For your answer in Qtn 3.

You encourage people to leave their life 100% to fate, yet in paragraph 3 you contradict by saying don't leave fate to only control how your relationship will end? so Konfusing leh....

my take:
If you leave your life to fate, generally you will be like a boat being tossed by waves, going nowhere.

Fate usually throws you situations you never thought about aka Circumstances. End of the day, It's the choices you make that determines your life and outcome.

For me, I'm More PRO-Choice than PRO-Life.

Andrew said...

Where my dinner date?

Then we can talk retail theraphy money.

Gary Lim said...

Just do whatever it is that your heart feels is the right to do or say.

Nothing bad ever comes out of actions that come from the goodness of the heart (although it may seem otherwise at first).

=)

Anonymous said...

No, I hope not(to be a stalker)... No intrusion... just a silly fantasy that i could do those things for you... hahaha... :P

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

dj archangel - you are confused cos you don't understand what I was trying to say. read more and u will realise and see the light.

andrew: ask josephine

gary: maybe. i am more cynical.

CrimsonWolf said...

first time here...
when a guy tried his best to understand what she wants and needs..
but she didn't appreciate...
loads of chances were given..
on the verge of falling off the cliff..
she tells how much she loves the guy..
but when the guy asked a simple question..
what do you understand about me?
she was dumbfounded..
do you think it's fair for the guy to give another chance of false happiness again?

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

crimson: my advice? This girl is not for you. a girl who truly appreciates who you are, what you do and are willing to do the same, deserves your attention more.

They are few, but they exist. Just open your eyes a little bigger and start noticing people who may not be startling beautiful on the outside on a first glance, but will sweep you off your feet with what they possess inside.

Gary Lim said...

Aiyah, dun think so much liao.

Hope you all had a nice lunch this gloomy (and hazy...) afternoon.

Eh Laoniang, the porridge at your place today not bad =P

J said...

Hey girl, long time no leave comment :)

So I heard someone is ROMing soon? haha!

Donny said...

1) Don't try to please her too much but just enought to wet her appetite, and keep the flame going.

2) If you need to get burnt to learn your lesson then go ahead. But if you come back crying then my shoulder is ready for you to wet.

3) If you believe you can't, then you really can't. And so you will be lonely and loveless.

4) Let's go watch Ace Ventura again :)

Josephine said...

ANDREW. YOU DARE TO MEET ELVINA AND I WILL KILL MYSELF LET YOU SEE.

Kurakat said...

Hi Elvina,

Long time no see your blog. When I come back, I was even more impressed than b4 by what I see.

May I repost this entry on my blog? Think some of my readers can really benfit from your entry here! =)

I will acknowledge you as the source, of course =)

Have a nice day!

Colin said...

Hi, I do believe in fate :)

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Kurakat: Please go ahead and post it. Glad that you like this entry.

Colin: Good for you. :)