I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Above All

26 July 2004, Monday. This insignificant date marks one of the most significant turning points of my life.

After spending 8 long, fruitful, challenging, exhilarating years in MTV Asia, I've decided to end my illustrious career on this date. Looking back, I drew a ragged breath and marvelled at how far I've come. From producing my very first show on MTV, to interviewing celebrities like Jeff Chang, Vivian Chow, 5566, to launching various MTV branded consumer products all over the world...and i think to myself - this is it.

I literally grew up with the company. It was my life, my inspiration and whatever I stand for. As I looked around and saw the stuff I've created, the people I've met, the ideas I've developed - I felt a sense of loss gripping me. Intense loss. I am leaving all these behind - all the stuff that made me - ME.

But the Lord calls unto me - and shewed me a new path. He said I needed to go for He's prepared a life for me outside of MTV. Letting go of whatever you have now does not mean losing everything, He said. It only means - that you are giving me back all that I have given unto you. The Lord went on to explain, "Now I want to give you something more - and you need to go get it. And when you have done all that you can with it, I shall take it back from you again - and give you something better."

Ain't that wonderful? The Lord makes letting go - an almost heavenly task. No pain - but tons of gain. He took away the baggages of burdens, regrets and misgivings, and in their place, He put packets of joy, thankfulness and anticipation to prepare me for the road ahead.

Hence, when you leave something behind, you don't have to feel sad. Let it remain a legacy, a memory, and a personal piece of work that is perfected in the Lord - and to whom it shall be returned to.

At the end of the day, all I need or want - the Lord will provide. For everything belongs to Him, and comes from Him. Thus I came with nothing. I own nothing. And I leave with nothing. From whence it came, thence it shall return.

I may be poor - but I've been so richly endowned with blessings overflowing that I have no idea what to do with the excess. And above all, I rejoice in my loss, and revel in my poverty.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Thank you for the Rain

I love the rain.

When it falls through the trees and onto the ground, it creates a constant humming and rustling sound.  The falling rain - in a subtle way - reaches into the depths of my heart. Each and every rain drop whispers to me - and gives me comfort like a good friend does.

The rain listens - silently but steadily. The comfort brings an odd sense of calm - and there I remain, protected by the rain's sanctuary. When it trickles, it makes a  jazz-like music on the window pane, the pavement, the car and everything it comes into contact with.

I smile. That's what friends are for isn't it? The rain drops by occasionally - like a good pal. Patiently - it embraces my heart, soothing it with its melodious voice, and washes away the pain.  And there I see remnants of my past slipping away, twirling into oblivion.

Sometimes when the rain comes, I can feel its burden.  That's when i sit by my bed, and listen to the tender and aching sound of the rain. It brings with it the Lord's tears - He was saddened by the uncaring world, sinking deeper into sin.  He was worried when He saw my struggles, and was extremely concerned that I do not bring them up to Him.  He even cries when He saw me hurting. The rain tells me so, in her soft little way.

So there I was on my kness.... my head bowed. I am both consoled and humbled by the rain and what it tells me.  I poured out my grief to the pouring rain - hoping it will carry the beat of my heart to the Lord.

The rain, comes and goes - fleeting as it seems - but its loyalty to me and the Lord is unquestionable. It heals. It comforts. It soothes. It listens. It emphatizes. It understands. It brings the Lord to me, and me to Him. 

I thank Him for the rain.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Love - Option, Necessity or Inevitability?

Sometimes I wonder why people are constantly preoccupied with the notion of Love. Besides the family, love often takes precedent over many things in life - i.e. friends, hobbies, personal life and values and even work. It seemed that love and love alone - somehow manages to make up for all the other bits and pieces that form one's life. Many a time, you hear stories of some love-struck humans live, eat, breath and dream about love - an unknowing victim of Cupid's arrow.

I believe that people do hold different notions of love. So the question now remains - is love an option, a necessity or an inevitability?

If love is an option - life would be much easier isn't it? When you choose to love, you offered your whole heart and soul. When love dies, you simply pack all the lovely memories into a small pouch called "heart", and you move on.

When love is all rosy, your loved one seems beautiful. Her smiles, her touch, her voice brings tingles to your heart. Everything about her gives you a reason to love. The day love rears its ugly head - when your loved one lost her beauty, her smiles, touch and voice no longer excites you - you may find that you could not bring yourself to continue loving her. On that day, love becomes an option.

If love is a necessity - you will go all out to seek true love, find it and never let it go - regardless of whether you really want it. It becomes your life, your soul and the reason for your existence.

When you find yourself needing love to sustain your life, prove your desirability or validate your existence - then love becomes a necessity. For without it, you feel incomplete. If your friends can find true love, so can you.

If love is an inevitability, it will appear when you least expect it. You may meet him across the street, at a cafe, at the popcorn stand, or in school. He may even be a faceless virtual friend that you chatted with last night. No encyclopedia in the world will be able to tell you why that kind of love strikes you like a lightning bolt; or why the attraction is instant or how to unravel those intriguing, unfathomable knots that bind the feelings of two people.

When you find that you no longer have control over your feelings, and that even if you aren't looking for it, it comes knocking on your door. And the more you try keeping it out, the more persistent it will be trying to get in - then love becomes an inevitability. You don't have to search for it - it just comes. It does not care if you need it, if you want it. When the time is right, it wriggles its way into your heart and starts to take root before you even realise it.

Everyone would have probably gone through all the above stages. Hence, the question would be - where are you right now?

Tuesday, July 06, 2004


Life has never been a straight line. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, you will even come to the end of the road where there's no other way out.

I have been plagued with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices big and small. Easy ones. Mind boggling ones. Difficult ones. Painful ones. Spiritual ones.

At the point when I am penning this blog, my life came to a crossroad. Four paths going in four different directions. Right in front of me there was this brand new road. It was smooth, brightly lit, and a solid white door at the end which opens up a whole new world of opportunities, and probably uncertainties. Who knows what lies beyond that beautiful door?
My new job maybe?

Behind me was a war-torn battlefield. It's fraught with obstacles and littered with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles, a reeking stench hanging in the air. What used to be glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected have been reduced to nothing more than ashen rubble. This is where my struggles have taken root right now. My job of 8 years.

To my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. There wasn't a soul in sight. Just acres and acres of white sand. A bed in the middle of it all signifies the resting place for my tired soul. It feels lonely, and gets a wee chilly at night. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I lay there often, with my eyes looking up to those stars winking with limitless optimism, and I ponder over my single status right now.

On the left, I see beds and beds of champagne lilies - its beautiful petals basking in the warm hue of the evening sun. Love's scent filled the air, embracing me in its subtle passion. It rained kisses on my fatigued soul, and nudged me gently to indulge in this lovely haven. I hesitated - because nothing's permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. I have no way to avoid them, and yet I cannot make them. I feel like I'm in a mudslide sinking deeper by the day.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Stepping Out

Geez. I stopped keeping a diary of my thoughts since I was 15. I used to pen poision thoughts about my mum, and wished with all my heart that she would die, because she was abusing me not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It was so bad that I was almost drive to suicide, not once - but twice.

A few years later, it hurt me to read those venomous stuff that I have written in my diary. I tore the whole book up with bare hands, and told myself that I would never allow myself to write down such vengeful thoughts, ever again.

Recently I got to know a friend, who kept a blog, and updated it religiously. I really envied him. I always had a flair for writing - and I am better at expressing myself in the printed word. I had a dream to write my own book one day. But I am caught in time poverty like everyone else around me, and had to shelf my dreams for writing.

Then came the evolution of online blogs like these, and friends like Petty Boy who possess a constant commitment to keep his blog updated - for one and all to read his thoughts, his feelings, his life. I remembered that I started one such blog not too long ago, but gave it up halfway 'cos I became too busy, too lazy, and too scared to share my thoughts.

Well, here I am - stepping out once again to try the blog the again. I will slowly share and unravel my life with anyone who cares to read, and maybe, one day...these collections will form part of the book that I will be writing some day. And maybe, each of you who have read this would be a contributor to this book as well - should that day ever come.

Meanwhile, the best you can do for me - is read this blog and share your feelings with me....if any.