I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Losing hope

Image by ~d1kobraz

I finally understood now why JadeFalcon is such a cynical person - and why he would always rather choose to think the worst of people instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, I found out things about my friends which threw my life off balance. Though a self-proclaimed cynic, there are still some individuals in the world I tend to have a soft spot for. Despite all the selfishness and callousness I see going around in the world, I continue to harbour a tiny hope that there are others who are different.

Whenever I watch BBC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the overwhelming outpour of love, support and humanity from the community - helps fuel that hope. Maybe that's why I couldn't stop watching it -  I need to sustain my faith in humans.

What happened with my friends - the incident came dangerously close to snuffing out whatever little hope or faith that I have left. I was greatly disappointed and couldn't understand how self-centred they have become. I never realised. What compels a person to think only for himself/herself? How could a reasonably intelligent person have no qualms indulging in wrongful acts, totally oblivious to the hurt and pain they will eventually inflict upon others? Why do people allow themselves to sink deeper into sin, not once but again and again? And why do they eventually only see their own pain but not their flaws when they are rudely exposed? Whatever happened to guilt, remorse and repentence?

Over the last two weeks, I asked myself those questions over and over again. I couldn't help but wonder - if they were not my friends, could I have been so understanding, tolerant and forgiving? Would I have taken a much tougher stance? Would I have discounted my own values and tried to see the situation from their point of view?

Maybe not. Most likely not.

So I stayed and listened even when I felt so let down. Couldn't bring myself to walk away. It grieved me to see them falling apart, but it hurt me even more to realise they are no longer the friends I used to know. Subconsciously, I find myself keeping an emotional distance - so that I can remain objective and not play judge and jury. 

Somehow I feel that I have lost them forever - although they are still around me. Then again, I never really knew the "real" them.

I can almost hear JadeFalcon say, "I told you so."

“Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
~ Anais Nin quotes (French born American Author of novels and short stories, 1903-1977)


Richard said...

I feel your painin struggling to retain faith in people.

After a certain point, you can no longer dismiss peoples' failings as simple ignorance and you begin to doubt whether there ever was human goodness and nobleness or was it just a childish fantasy to make the world more bearable.

Still, no matter how disappointed I can become with people, I cannot rid myself of that depp seated faith in the inherence goodness of people.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

You are too kind too forgiving and too giving. I try not to be because it will hurt me more. Need to maintain some sanity....and balance. With expectations come disappointment - so I would rather expect nothing from people.

Anonymous said...

Hey babe, I think I MIGHT know what this is about; and I feel the same.
Sad and disappointed.
- Peoplelogic 0.1.

Niel said...

I know how you feel:). People have always let me down before and in the darkest,lonliest moments I always seem to be alone. Then again I'd like to believe that all men are capable of love. Just me two cents.

Your friendly neighbourhood druid Niel(if you remember me from WoW) miss you Sheerlock ^^

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Hey Niel - good to hear from you again!

Are you still playing WOW? I have stopped for a year plus already - and sometimes when I see Cataclysm, I get withdrawal symptoms! hahah