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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Mr. Right II

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There's a need to clarify that when we talk about Mr. Right here, we are not referring to Mr. Perfect. Besides the fact that he doesn't exist, it's also impractical to demand that of someone when we are so dotted with imperfections ourselves. I strongly believe that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Since we ain't talking about Mr. Perfect, the main discussion on Mr. Right is not about how good or how loving, romantic, understanding, rich, tall, dark and handsome he must be in order to qualify as Mr. Right.

Mr. Right is a guy whom a woman feels is the right fit for her life. He may be so utterly flawed, but for her, just for her, he is what she wants. Or maybe, in a more realistic concept, he is who she can accept as a total package - imperfections and all.

Going by that definition, if you find a guy, who despite your attempts to accept and overlook the things you really do not like about him, isn't someone you can accept whole-heartedly, then probably he is not the guy.

I have many girlfriends who go through this process of self-abuse and torture, where they keep flogging the dead horse of whether the one in their life is Mr. Right.

"I know he loves me. I do love him, but I can't trust him."

"If not for the fact that he is so flippant when it comes to relationships, he is really the guy I want to spend my life with."

"I know he has feelings for me, but maybe he's just not ready."

"It's always better to find a man who loves me more than I love him. If I miss this bus, I may never find someone like him again."

Sounds all too familiar? Have you been defining Mr. Right based on those self-authored standards? Why is there such a pressing need in us to force fit someone into the Mr. Right mould, even when there's a hint of nagging doubt tugging at the back of our mind? How often do we have to try and convince ourselves the man we in our lives is really the guy we desire and love?

The issue to this topic is "convincing". If I ever come to a point in a relationship where I have to justify why a man is Mr. Right, he's probably not the one at all. Once, I asked an ex-boyfriend what he loved about me.

Instead of giving me typical answers that men would usually give (i.e. your beautiful smile, your wonderful personality, your smothering kisses etc...), he asked,"Why is there a need to justify my love? If I tell you I love you because you are awfully sweet, and one day if you stop being so sweet, does that mean I should stop loving you? Should there be reasons for loving you? If those reasons cease to exist, would I have to withdraw my love too?"

Since then, I have learnt that when you love someone, you love him - just because you do. There could be 1001 reasons why you are attracted to him, or why you are so enamoured to everything that he says or does. But they could never be the reasons for loving him. You love someone because you want to, and because you just do.

Some of you may not agree that elimination is the key to sieving out the Mr. Rights. Some of you may even feel that Mr. Right, like Mr. Perfect, doesn't exist. There is no right or wrong notions to this. But there are proven stories that may support how Mr. Right can really exist, and only if you want him to.

You may never realise that throughout your entire life, you'd have performed millions of elimination activities either consciously, sub-consciously or even unconsciously. That's how you get to know what's your favourite food, color, music, artist, places, people, fashion style, hair color etc. The things that define you and your world are established through a constant cycle of trying and elimination to narrow down what makes you tick.

Why should it be any different with the man of your life? However I do admit that for some girls, love seems to be less picky. These women are the ones who marry the first man they ever loved. I have one such friend. Her husband was her first and last love. She does not have to eliminate a whole slew of Mr. Wrongs to find him.

For the rest of us victimized love-struck fools, you don't really have a choice. You gotta go through the cycle of life to zoom in to a person you know will define your life, just like the other personal choices you have made in your lifetime.

Personally, I've sincerely treated each and every guy I have dated as a potential Mr. Right. The nagging feeling's always there, and many times like what some of you have mentioned, I wanted to run away. I wanted to give up because I could never be sure. I am tired of going through the motions of loving and failing, and I do not know how to trust anymore. I probably wanted a Mr. Right so much that I am actually fearful of losing him after I've found him. I would even go into a self-destructive mode and do things to intentionally test or rip apart a relationship.

But that's self-defeating, isn't it? I think we need to start believing Mr. Right is there, and if he is the one destined for you, you don't really have to work that hard to snare him. Even if you feel like running away, even if the nagging feeling is so strong, and even if you very much want to throw everything you have for this guy away - you will realise, you can't. Real love can bind two imperfect people together and make them right for each other.

I am not saying Mr. Right will never ever quarrel with you. I am not saying Mr. Right will be the epitome of the Perfect Husband and Boyfriend - and that he will be exactly what you dream of and desire.

But rather, he will be the one you love despite all your doubts, your fears and your insecurities. Most importantly, he loves you just as much despite having those same doubts, fears AND insecurities too. When the days are rosy, your love grows. When days are bad, you fight, you hurt each other, you tear each other apart, but at the end of the day, both of you try to right everything again and mend the love as you go along. It takes a hell lot of work to be the Right person for each other.

Mr. Right is the man who is willing to go through that with you.

A wise woman once said,"The happy moments you see in a loving couple are always captured in photo albums. But what you will never get to see in those photos are the painful and heartbreaking moments that they went through to be together."


Cavalock said...

Interesting column, well worth the wait. I think the friends that you mentioned were all looking for Perfect instead of Right.

Also, halfway through yr piece, it seemed like you were talking about 'perfection' again.

Elvina aka LaoNiang said...

Isit? which part? I was not talking about perfection. I was talking about trying hard to make it right in the midst of an imperfect relationship.

Sunflower said...

I cannot help but to totally agree with you with this para,

"Even if you feel like running away, even if the nagging feeling is so strong, and even if you very much want to throw everything you have for this guy away - you will realise, you can't.?"

I do have the nagging feeling of walking out of my marriage before. I even find 1001 reasons for myself to run away, but I know, I can't.

For so many years, my hubby seem to be the one and only one for me! The feeling of losing him after detecting a cyst in my breast (I tht is breast cancer while waiting for my medical report) is unbearable!

I hope you can find your Mr Right very soon!

Jia You.... Cheer

Sassy Lady said...

A wise woman once said,"The happy moments you see in a loving couple are always captured in photo albums. But what you will never get to see in those photos are the painful and heartbreaking moments that they went through to be together."

Tis very true and happened to myself after we've committed to each other..the painful and heartbreaking moments were so unbearable that I almost give up n marrying my husband then..

But the love and faith kept us together until we were united as husband and wife..now with childrens...we actually broke all the 'berlin and china walls' built around us just to be together..and we've reached this far..

I've never believed in searching for Mr Right, fate has been destined for everyone of us..'he' will come knocking on your heart one day without you expecting it..

luvphobia said...

Well said. Shall direct some of my victimized love-struck female friends over here. Heh.

Now I've found love myself, I do realised.

No one’s perfect, but we both know we’re lucky to find each other to make a whole, all this while.

NJS said...

Let your Right be RIGHT...

What's the difference between perfectly right or rightly perfect?

There's a difference indeed...
The former is good and the later was good.

Thus is the Mr Right today could easily become Mr Wrong tomorrow as it only exist in the vague standard of feeling that exist in the emotional plane of a particular lady and not anywhere else.

The very void exist in everyones heart that yearns to be filled... Cause a hunger for a perfectly right relationship which can never be fulfilled. As the nagging feeling continue to nags on...

May sound like one big wet blanket here but its just my humble opinion.

For your reference only as am not trying to convince anyone of anything... :P

heather said...

hehe i like the "you love him - just because you do" :) oh there is this book "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guy" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. You should read that.. it's very funny but sometimes in a crude way!

Richard said...

Love is about commitment (very important part), it is also about sharing, about wanting the best for the other person and together.

There is no perfect relationship, but judging from what I have seen, many seem to suffer truly horrible ones in the hope it is the right one.

Of course, another problem is getting involved too quickly and letting emotions override any rational thought process.

Overall, a good read.

I should point out that things which might be small annoyances when you are friends, easily become HUGE issues when you are married.

serendipity said...

i totally agreee with Mr Perfect vs Mr Right. Love just comes at the weirdest times.

Sometimes I look back at the crushes I had and wonder what the hell was I thinking when I liked them????

When you meet someone you love you just fall for them. That's why it's called falling in love. You do not think before you fall - you just do. And that love may be painful, or it may teach you lessons you might never learn if you never did fall. You either appreciate it and stay in there, or you regret it and climb out of it.

But sadly, unless Mr Right is not downright Mr UN-Perfect with many problems of his own, then of course, you just gotta let go of this Mr Right. Another one will come, for god knows how long, but he will.

Catherine *MeowMeow* said...

Seems like i may be one of ur gfriend u talking about, looking for my mr Perfect which explains my current solitary status.

Gal, this is one of your best writings. i cant help but agreeing to most of your words.

I AM ... NA said...

This is an interesting entry. I like it a lot, especially the concluding quote. Do you think I could I have your permission to plagiarise it in my blog? I'm a sucker for quotes, you know, so I hope you don't mind ...

Prince Romp said...

"Mr. Right is not about how good or how loving, romantic, understanding, rich, tall, dark and handsome he must be in order to qualify as Mr. Right."

Abt the above characters, i hav one particular figure dat actually crossed into my mind. Mr Bill Cosby.

As what Richard said.
This entry..overall is a good read.

Anyway..this is a woman's problem not mine cos I am always the 'Mr Right'.

Just that..those women dont know how to find me.

yvy said...

woohoo!! nice work, woman. ;)

i wrote abt mr. right too. :P o long time ago.


Anonymous said...

The heart knows reasons that Reason does not.

Appreciate the glimspe to your heart through this entry. Keep it up girl.

Uncle Chong Bin Fa said...

Hey, Booker here, I'm posting under my own name now. Haha.

Hmm. To me, there is only one fine line between Mr Right and Mr Perfect.

Mr Perfect, should be rich, takes care of you, sweet to the core, never gets angry with you and accepts for who you are. They are like your Dad in one way, a provider for you needs.

Mr Right, on the other hand, may or may not have the qualities that I mentioned above. But you will think that he is the right one for you. Its all about attraction.

And I kinda agree that you drifted into perfection again.

Anyway, I haven't seen you on MSN for a pretty long time, busy eh?

Ole' Wolvie said...

I can accept that there is such thing as "fated". For me, I can only hope that she'll be there when she's supposed to be there. But one can't really be sure if fate has someone allocated for everyone.

There seems to be people who are fated to be single all their life. I happen to know of one, and that person had just recently passed away too.

Anonymous_X said...

I think the keyword is 'accept'. Like what you wrote in the 3rd paragraph. Until one can accept the other as Mr/Ms Right, one will continue that endless hunting for the Right one.

Pip said...

I so totally agree with u, elvina, especially the part where you wrote that we love someone because we WANT to. This is so encouraging. I hope my next 'Mr Right' will be much better than my last. Life's so short, why cant guys just treasure the ones with them rather than trying to hunt new grounds perpetually?

Kampungkai said...

wow... such a meanigful and straight to the point post. I do hope i can be Mr Right to my future gf, shall try my very best.

btw, i'm kampungkai, one of the contributors in Peter Kua's MALAYSIAN ISLANDS: THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE FINEST. saw your link and decided to drop by and have a look, nice to meet u.

i bet u had a wonderful time in Sibu ya? Do come visiting again. :)

senbai said...

the more important questions for you are....how much longer can you endure? how many more people do you have to eliminate before you feel right?

I agree with Richard. friendship is a much more comfortable relationship compared to mating-motivated relationship.

The most important thing in life is being happy doing what we think makes us happy now. Nothing else matters.

Mickell said...

Happiness is a choice. We have to constantly choose to be happy instead of fuming and sulking over people who cross us.

ethan said...

I enjoyed this post, the kind of post that make one think more and deeply.
Another quote I remember is "How your partner make you a better person."

MR Right..... said...

Years ago, I asked God to give me a spouse, "You don't own because you didn't ask" God said. Not only I asked for a spouse but also explained what kind of spouse I wanted. I want a nice, tender, forgiving, passionate, honest, peaceful, generous, understanding, pleasant, warm, intelligent, humorous, attentive, compassionate and truthful. I even mentioned the physical characteristics I dreamt about.

As time went by I added the required list of my wanted spouse. One night, in my prayer, God talked to my heart: "My servant, I cannot give you what you want."

I asked, "Why God?" and God said "Because I am God and I am fair. God is the truth and all I do are true and right."

I asked "God, I don't understand why I cannot have what I ask from you?"

God answered, "I will explain. It is not fair and right for Me to fulfill your demand because I cannot give something that is not your ownself. It is not fair to give someone who is full of love to you if sometimes you are still hostile, or to give you someone generous but sometimes you can be cruel, or someone forgiving; however, you still hide revenge, someone sensitive;however, you are very insensitive...."

He then said to me: "It is better for Me to give you someone who I know could grow to have all qualities you are searching rather than to make you waste your time to find someone who already have the qualities you want. Your spouse would be bone from your bone and flesh from your flesh and you will see yourself in her and both of you will be one. Marriage is like a school. It is a life-long span education. It is where you and your partner make adjustment and aim not merely to please each other,but to be better human beings and to make a solid teamwork. I do not give you a perfect partner, because you are not perfect either. I give you a partner with whom you would grow together"