I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Checkin' Out of Heartbreak Hotel

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Artwork by ~shadrad

A blogger friend asked recently how she should nurse a broken heart when she loses someone whom she loves very much.

Where matters of the heart are concerned, unfortunately, one cannot subscribe to a response/reaction template or formula. It differs from time to time, and varies from circumstances to circumstances.

When I was younger (young and hot by the way!), breakups are common. Guys checked in and out of my life, and I thought it was just a process of growing up and finding myself. I hardly beat myself up over it because I knew there will always be someone else. Losing someone was awful no doubt, but I'd never allowed it to take precedent over other aspects of life - such as friends, work, family, school, hobbies etc. I figured it was not that I was being flippant, but rather, my priorities were somewhere else, something else.

If a guy leaves me for whatever reasons, he could always be replaced by someone who may be more loving, less argumentative, more financially well-off, less clingy, more understanding, less unreasonable, more sensitive, less promiscuous.....and the list goes on. I've always felt an unsupressable need to move on, either as a way to cope with the temporal pain/heartache or as a form of self-justification that it wasn't really my loss, but his.

I also convinced myself that grieving over lost love for too long was a waste of time. I wanted to make the best use of my time because I am one who believes strongly that time is perishable and once I miss today, I could never relive it again. Today only happens once in your lifetime. And that goes for every other day in your life too.

Then I grew up and something changed inside me. Relationships began to matter much more. I took it more seriously because I wanted to stop moving from one fleeting love to the next. It became more tiresome to start from scratch every time - getting to know someone and allowing him to understand you back. It became harder and harder to let go as you grow older. The need for stability and finding a person you can entrust your feelings to forever (if forever exists) became more pronounced.

I am actually not the best person to give an advice on how to move on, having been someone who has wallowed in a pity party alone for four years before breaking out of a self-induced imprisonment. It was torturous to say the least. But I needed time. Time off to think about the self-destructive relationships that I put myself through all the time. Time to gain my confidence back. Time to know what kind of guy I really want in my life this time. And I needed time to thoroughly heal the heart that refused to stop bleeding.

If there's one thing that can help you check out of Heartbreak Hotel, it's not your conviction to forget. It's not who you date after that failed relationship. It's not how much you cried your heart out and how many people you talk to about it. It's not about sticking needles in a voodoo doll with his name on it, or hating him with all the blood in your veins.

It may sound corny, but time does really heal. It is amazing how in the moment of pain, that concept is almost unbelievable. But unknowingly, the pain lessens. The hurt diminishes. The feeling of betrayal fades. And all the pent up anguish and misery - become more and more undefinable. It will come a point when you wake up one day, and realise you have absolutely ziltch feelings towards that person who has hurt you so bad when he walked out of your life. And you begin to wonder where all that excruciating pain went.

Time is undoubtedly, the best healer of all wounds - both physical and emotional. Give yourself time and space and allow your heart to mend itself. By forcing yourself to forget about it would only amplify the damage, slowly but surely.

Though for me, writing can be strangely therapeutic. And hence, I write, I blog, I rant. Somehow it catalyzes that healing process.


"Time heals what reason cannot."
~ Seneca (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD)

"Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." ~ Thomas More

"Healing takes courage, and all of us have courage,
even if we have to dig a little to find it. ~Tori Amos

20 comments:

serendipity said...

good one.


i agree to it totally. And strangely enough, I couldn't get over my first r/s until 6 months later, even though I had been convincing myself all the while that he is not for me (which was also why I was the ONE who initiated the breakup). It wasn't him, it was the broken relationship which affected me. And true enough, I got over it after 6 months and now I wonder how stupid it was to have rushed into a r/s like that.

Mickell said...

Thank God for healing us of our hurts using time :)

the tooth fairy said...

Time definitely heals all wounds. But before that happens though, there are certain things that one can do to "lessen the pain".

1) Do NOT watch romantic movies. Action, mindless humor, cartoons are the way to go.

2) Do NOT listen to listen to love songs. Definitely no Class 95 "captain of love" shit for ya.

3) Night-time is the HARDEST part of the day to get through. Hence, hv a glass of whisky (or any strong alcholic drink) just before bed, so you can zonk out and sleep the whole night through. For teetotallers, perhaps a nice hot glass of Milo or milk will help. No sleeping pills, for obvious reasons.

4) Minimise time alone. Hang out with your best buds.. plan loads of activities. Do whatever you want.

5) Err..somehow I think the best help though is just to find someone new (and better!). What pain can a new romance not relieve??

Just my thoughts. Might not be recommended for all and sundry.

senbai said...

what about us loveless people? people who never had the chance to even check in? people who were left under the rain without shelter? in time, we lived with the pain and pain becomes us. in time, we shall unleash the pain to those who have forsaken us.

0236 said...

time heals but the scar tissue still hurts occasionally. the presence of the scar is enough to trigger off the memories really. even tho i was the one who called it quits cos nothing long term would work out due to many reasons, it didn't lessen the pain on my part.
partying didn't help. dating didn't help. trying to forget didn't help cos there's no way to forget half a decade of my life.
time helps but some things u can't forget. or is it cos u don't want to?

Life is Beautiful said...

Yipee, you're blogging again...
When will you be coming back? =)

NJS said...

The Heartbreak hotel is definately not cool...

Elvina definately still fairly young and hot!

Heart brokeness is truly unbearable, but is inevitable unless one has a wooden heart!

Passage of time can cure all woes...

Sassy Lady said...

Definitely definitely true...

Time plays an important part and has the most important role in anything..from finding love to being heartbroken..everything involves time..

How I wish I could turn back the time and mend my first heartbreak...

Now...I dont get brokenhearted or going to break anyone's heart...found my 'heart; and keptit in a 'safe'

Pip said...

Oh dear , dear Elvina, was this meant to help me get over my breakup? Such consolation. I am slowly picking up the pieces and trying to move on by diverting attention onto other stuff. It hasnt been easy though slowly but surely, i am working my way outta the hole. Once I return his stuff to him next week, I would be taking the next flight out for a holiday, hopefully it would mend some broken pieces and allievate some of Life's fatigue. Thank you, sweet. you are such a NICE lady.

welcome to wallyworld said...

"Time heals all wounds" - remember that. It's true. You think you'll never get over it but you do. Sometimes leaves a hole in the heart but you can get surgery for that!

Elvina...you up on this? - http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/front-page/2006/6/22/sidekick-thieves-get-just-deserves.html

NJS said...

Pip:

Good to take a break from everything and start all over again...
Have a good Trip. Cheer up!

Richard said...

I think you are better qualified to give advice on this matter than I am.

Time is a necessary component of healing. As well as being rational when getting into a relationship. I think too many people want a relationship and get into something even though it might not be quite right (The optimistic hope of finding a charming prince beneath the gruff beast's exterior, or in a frog's skin).

I think this cynical definition from Ambros Bierce's Devil's Dictionary might hit the spot:

LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage


I can feel for senbai too. I remember wondering why so many really nice girls ended up dating jerks (actually, a number of my male friends also had the same thought).

Love the quote from Seneca - one of my favourite philosophers. I highly recommend reading Letters from a Stoic - if only for the literary style.

Pip said...

NJS:

thanks, i will cheer up. It's a pre-req for happiness, isnt it?

e said...

time heals all wounds.. but what if some pain never does get healed...? almost a year and i'm still... broken..

jerry said...

Hey elvina:) Haven't been reading your blog for some time and up pops so many nice entries!

Its wonderful to hear about all these good things happening to you; got a new job, great working place, new country to stay in. Wow. And this determination to check out of heartbreak hotel. Life is good huh? ;p

"It is amazing how in the moment of pain, that concept is almost unbelievable." This sentence struck a tender chord in me. It was really exactly as you put it. Its as if the whole world was wrong about time heals all wounds, and only you yourself know for sure the pain won't end. I think people who have trouble moving on should be able to draw some strength from there..

For those who are feeling lonely and unloved after a breakup, my prescription would be for Friends. Here's a favourite quote from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice: "Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

May all the occupants of this hotel, me included, stay no longer.

Starless said...

What if day and nite, all that's playing your mind is how he dump you, left u after toying with you, went back to his gf, brought her back to U.K.. and forgot all about you. And what you gave was really love that you lost and unable to get it back.
Everytime the images of them comes to my mind, I'll hit myself.
When will such pain go away...

Kampungkai said...

laughter the best medicine, time the best vitamins?

老星洲 said...

Blog what you want because you are what you are.

Mr right said...

Just a word of caution,

The mind moves much faster than the heart.

Sometimes when you think you may have gotten over someone, you may have looked thru the lens of your mind.

and as you start your next relationship, the hurts of the previous engagement will serface, putting unnecessary stress and friction.

Always remember for the next in line, The reason we want to be with that someone is that we are HAPPY and we want to be HAPPIER.

not lonely and depressed, needing support. For that I recommend a Crutch...

Cheers

HARD GAY said...

ok ok ... To help the one who is heart broken.

Go to "www.youtube.com"

under search, type in "HARD GAY"

pick from the range of Video.

It's nothing Dirty, but you'll Definately Laugh till you Peng SAN...

Trust me 100%.... PURE laughter.

tips: click on the one with the ramen store, and the one where he Goes to yahoo Japan.

If there is english subs, the jokes are even more hilarious.