I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mr. Right - Part I

Not very long ago, I promised someone that I would blog on the topic of Mr. Right. Not that I'm Miss Know-It-All (far from that!), but I guess, all she wanna know was my personal take on it.

For the longest time, I have been a delusional girl. Someone who lost her father at a very young age and ever since then, would constantly seek and crave for the attention and love that she has lost so tragically.

Boys after boys, relationships after relationships. They come and go like the shoes in a woman's closet. But every time, I somehow managed to convince myself that the boy I was dating at that particular point in time, was Mr. Right.

I liked him. He liked me. Some very much in fact. We were happy together. So how wrong could it be?

Then the feeling sizzled. The conflicts began. The lies were weaved and the fights were ugly. The breakups were painful and the tears were heartwrenching. The memories were bitter and the pain was lingering. But no matter how I try, I just couldn't get out of the vicious cycle of rebounds and breakups - and always thinking I have found Mr. Right.

My friends have always asked me this same question- How would you know when you have found your Mr. Right? How would you know it's HIM when he appears?

I'm telling you girls - I am no love guru and I don't know the answer. I really don't. If I do, I wouldn't have to go through those many failed love auditions in my life, do I?

But those failures have rather, taught me some very important lessons.

For one - I've learnt to identify all the Mr. Wrongs. Don't you think that would be the one most important step to finding your Mr. Right? I would say it definitely is! Golly, it's a simple process of elimination, for heaven's sake.

The bad guys who thrill us.
The ones who always break their promises.
The ones who make our hearts flutter crazily one day and left us high and dry, pinning for their attention and love which will never come, the very next moment.
The ones who slept with your best friend or the leggy mini-skirts he picked up at a club.
The ones who abused you - emotionally, sexually, financially, physically and psychologically.

It's not that hard. They are the ones that your mother probably warned you about, but you were too smitten to realize. The challenge of snaring such a man was too sinfully irresistible.

My first advice - If you want to know where and who Mr. Right , you gotta first purge all these trash out of your lives and social circles for a start. Clean Up, Grow Up and most importantly - Wake Up. These kind of men will never ever be Mr. Right. You don't need an IQ of 400 to know that. You don't even need me to tell you that.

This is gonna be a long and meaningful discussion. I shall let your eyes rest for the moment - and take some comments, if any - and shall continue this in my next post.

.......to be continued.


Richard said...

I suppose one of the interesting things that can be asked is: "Did you have a choice in the way you behaved?" (sorry the question of free-will is still on my mind – likely will be for a while).

There are rationalizations you can make - but are they the same as cause? I have listened to many women's stories and find that I really don't understand their motivation (let's be honest I am no further ahead on understanding guys either). A typical first love story goes something like this: guy professes to girl that he has been observing her for a long time, always afraid to approach her, she is beautiful, she is special. She dances on cloud nine ("He called me special"), 3 years later the relationship is over and girl is broken hearted cause the guy was not really very nice.

I think the need for companionship, the need to belong, the need to feel of worth, is a very strong one in humans. I used to go through life wondering why people were so strongly drawn to "being part of the crowd" - now I wonder instead why I wasn't.

This is why I ask, "Did you have a choice?"

If you had to live your life over again, do you imagine you would do things differently, given different circumstances? For myself, I cannot imagine myself doing things differently. I realize now that I would have been wiser to have done some things differently - but I cannot imagine myself doing things differently under almost any other circumstances (except for certain extreme cases) because who I was wouldn't be different.

Does the thrill go, the magic, that special quivery anticipatory feeling? Yes. It gets replaced with mature confidence. However, that does not mean the love is gone. Love, for me, has always meant a commitment - just finding a girl to be attractive or exciting was not sufficient for me. I needed to believe that this was a person I could build a future with. I've mentioned it before, I was looking for someone who could be a good friend, a good wife and a good mother for my kids. Perhaps I had an easier time than most because I always see things as an outsider anyway, or maybe I have missed some wonderful moments in my life.

Of course, commitment is important. No matter how much you want to believe the relationship is a perfect fit, there are going to be problem days, weeks, and months. And it requires commitment to work through them.

One of the sad things I find is as women get older (later 20s) and had a few relationships that have ended, they start to say things like, "Never say forever." They start to view relationships are temporary: maybe 1 year, maybe 15 years.

Of course, guys are no different, they just express it differently. Guys who come from broken homes may say they don't want to get married because they don't want to be a statistic. My answer is, "It is your choice to be a statistic, or to actually work on the relationship."

We can imagine that life was better in the past, commitment meant more. Formaing bonds based on the notion of "love" is fairly recent. Previously, relationships were based on social class, economic unions, etc. So, I am pretty sure there were unhappy people back then too.

One thing for sure is that we need to start treating one another better, with respect and dignity. Valuing the worth of each person and not just saying they are special, but treating them as if they were. Be honest with people and don't use them.

Sunflower said...

Elimination process is definitely one of the process of getting the Mr Right!

I found mine after a very bad relationship on the expense of my O level result too!

Cavalock said...

But how long would it take a person to ID Mr Wrong? A week, a month or a year into a relationship….usually by the time you realize he’s wrong for you, you would already have been in a relationship with him. Its only in a relationship, that a guy would ‘reveal’ more about himself. Before that, you most likely wouldn’t see any of his ‘dark’ side.

serendipity said...

well perhaps that leaves only the nerdy boring guys....heh.

cept for my guy...tho he had several failed r/s before but i hope he's the right one for me =)

Jay "21-Year Old TV Set" Walk said...

I felt the need to add to cavalock's statement that it cuts both ways as far as gender is concerned i.e. "it is only in a relationship that a girl would 'reveal' more about herself. Before that, you most likely wouldn't see any of her 'dark' side."

Still, the key phrase here is "Don't Give Up" on 2 counts.

1) If it takes a thousand frogs (and toads) to kiss in order to find that Prince, then by josh you have no choice but to do it if you want one. Problem is that nobody knows the exact number before the right one finally shows up. Lagi problem is that you see some of your friends getting it right on the first try while you are on your 9,621,124th attempt.

2) In the age of disposable consumerism, we tend to give up on something far too easily when things don't go right. Gone are the days where we call the TV repairman to come take a look at our TV. Same goes for marriages where it is all too convenient to just seek a divorce.

If a marriage is now so easy to get out of, what is there not to say for a mere relationship?

Again, key phrase is "Don't Give Up". As long as both parties are still committed, there is still that chance of getting it right (although no 100% guarantee).

Give up hope and your chances of resolution plunges straight to zero (and that's a guarantee).

Good luck!

Ole' Wolvie said...

Delusions is a powerful motivation.

Tigerkiller said...

Girls do NOT want Mr Right.

They are only attracted to all the WRONGS. Bad boys are what girls want. Not the ones that treat them with respect and promises to take care of them forever.

Women are fickle.

Women are rarely satisfied.

Women love to carry baggages to the next relationship.

Richard said...

Cavalock and Jay:, I would say that people jump into relationships too quickly. There is a lot you can discover about a person before you start dating them. I knew pretty much everything I needed to know about Sofia before I started dating her - so I pretty certain she all I wanted.

I think too many people put the cart before the horse, getting into a relationship and then learning about the person - only to find out a year or three later that this was a mistake. Better to learn about the person first, get into the relationship later.

Although, I have been told that my approach was impractical, since girls make up their mind quickly and are not going to wait around several months while you make up your mind. I always replied that I was not interested in someone who was rash in their judgement.

As well, there is a group of people who view a relationship as something to pass the time until Mr or Ms Right comes along. My counter argument is how can you in be in a good faith relationship while still looking. In my mind that makes you faithless - how can I trust you.

In South American culture there are 3 types of relationships: (1) friend (2) boyfriend / girlfriend, (3) novio / novia (vernacular translation would be fiance). The bf/gf does not imply love, it simply implies a relationship that is more intimate than friendship. The novio / novia relationship implies love and fidelity is a more serious consideration at this point. Fidelity in relationship (2) is a nice to have, but not necessary thing - since it is a intimate, though non-committal relationship. Of course (2) may transform into (3), but there is no expectation that it will. When you are in relationship (2) no one will really think badly of you if you are still looking around.

Tigerkiller: there is some truth to what you say. Certainly, it was a common complaint among my male friends that girls seemed to like "bad boys" over "good boys". Blinky Mummy had an interesting post about why girls don't like nice guys. Basically it boils down to: girls want a guy who makes them feel special and since nice guys treat everyone respectfully, they don't feel special enough. So they go with a guy who makes them feel special and treats everyone else like dirt.

An said...

Yap. It goes both ways, and it sometimes funny when u see a person who knows all these, yet continues with being with the other "bad" party. That's why they say love is blind.

Prince Romp said...

Cos love is blind ..heh
he or she could be an Alien

But you just cant see it,
No matter how big your eyes are...

before your Mr Right comes along..
just enjoy it with the wrong ones.

Take it easy dude..
other option: Take me..take me..!

sevenspell said...

Elimination is really the word. After each relationship ends, I always realize something new that I wouldn't want in my Mr Right.

But that's so sad, isn't it. I'm looking at people's bad points instead of paying attention to their good ones. But that's just the way it is, I guess.

I also always used to ask people how they know if he was THE ONE or not.

I don't have the answer, but what I've realized is this:

If you're asking this question while in a relationship, he isn't the one.

Sassy Lady said...

Well Elvina, the question to who's Mr Right will be a never ending story...

When he comes, he comes..like what I said in my blog earlier..I do have the same kind of scenario with one of my girlfriend..

Well, I did lay out a few points for her to read..guessed you missed it

airhole said...

Sassy Lady.. won't you say that, when he comes, he goes "ahh!"?

here's an interesting notion, u are attracted to the things that are different about him with regards to you. But when the fire sputters, it is the differences that causes the fights.

Merv Kwok said...

And all the guys who read this would be asking "Am I the right one?"


There's a comment somewhere here about geeks being boring. Hey! Not all of us geeks are boring! I think. :P

Sassy Lady said...

to airhole..thank you for enlightening me on that issue...haha

auratia said...

Elimination is the key, I agree. But that would mean looking out for bad points when one starts dating and to be honest I wouldn't call that falling in love anymore. I was telling a girlfriend of mine just a couple of hours back, I've never really known anyone to be in love AND rational at the same time. It just doesn't work that way.

luvphobia said...

Well, my take on this is;

After every failed relationship we go through, we learned to appreciate the next person that comes into our lives better. Vice-versa, if that person doesn't appreciates you back, that's a Mr/Miss Wrong you got.

Vicious cycle, true. But we're all lonely creatures, aren't we?

ps: me agrees on the 'badboys addiction'. But girls do grow up to ladies, and that's when they fall for 40s - 50s balding gentlemen with a paunch (being loaded is a plus). LoL!

Anonymous_X said...

The quest for Mr./Ms. (Yeah) Right is a never ending one. Why else people stray even if they're already married?

Righteous said...

Check out Kurakat's blog, and see whether what kind of person are you in his newest "sleep-testing" post. It's worth checking out.

NJS said...

The value of "Mr Right" is highly overrated if such a person exist at all...

Maybe its more common to see an UFO or visited by an alien than meeting with the "Mr Right".

Don't think the elimination proccess really work that well, unless you got a lot of time... As it takes time to know the charactor of a man, not a proccess to find the filament for the invention of light bulb where you can test many samples at one time concurrently under different conditions. However much a lady can outlive a man in terms of years, her life-span(marriable) is shorter than man.

End of the day, you just have to depends on your luck. Pick the best with your intuition and hope for the best! Hope you strike the "lottery"(Mr Right). He is that elusive. Chinese got a saying,"Ke3 Yu1 Bu1 Ke3 Qui2!"
"A bird in hand is better than ten in the tree".

Ladies, Happy Searching...

the tooth fairy said...

There's also the thing about "timing". Someone's Mr Wrong might turn out to be someone else's Mr Right, somewhere down the road. Unfortunately,the two of you just met at the wrong timing, under the wrong circumstances, and started out on the wrong foot.

Nonetheless, I've sorta abided by this mantra of mine...

"Never fall in love with a man who is so much more in love with himself than he can ever be with you".

Each time I deviated from it, there was bound to be heartache :( So I'm guessing..it's probably the way to go.

busybee said...

NJS said... The value of "Mr Right" is highly overrated if such a person exist at all...

I do agree with NJS. Like what a 15-year-old blooger said:

Each person not the perfect friend (or Mr/Ms Right) for me to suit my needs.
Yet with the 4 of you (close friends), it can be met....
Maybe there is "no Mortal PERFECT Friend".
But in a group, with different ppl to turn to, somehow your needs can be met.

I guess we will never find Ms/Mr Right on earth. If we continue to seek for such a person, we might be be wasting our time. Perhaps it's wiser to know early that we need someone to fill ONLY ONE aspect of our needs rather than ALL aspects. We still need other friends to fill the rest of our needs.

Just my thoughts.

welcome to wallyworld said...

Hey Elvina! You into Vlogging? We're looking for a Singapore girl to join us and become a daily Vlogger. Check out our new site (just getting up to speed) There are Six of us from around the world - Paris, Sydney, Michigan, Tennessee, London, New York but we need an Asian presence - http://inyourfaceforbreakfast.squarespace.com

senbai said...

I constantly ask myself what is wrong with me that girls seem to ignore me. There are times when the evil me jump in joy when they were dumped by their guy.

nu ren zhen mar fan....

Good luck in your search.

Prince Romp said...

Where is your part ll ?
I had all my popcorns..
and now still waitinggg...

DelorumRex said...

Hey LOve! Good to see you still settin' the trends..
I have a question?
Do you have time for another project?
A friend (Crazy Aussie stuck in Paris) has a new Vlog idea.. gonna be bigger than big!
You can see it's beginnings at In Your Face For Breakfast
It is a semi news service, video blog kinda thing.. and well, we need a smokin hot lady from Singapore!
We are joking that we're going to get Tammy NYP.. but lets face facts she's yesterdays news.. and a kid too.... so I have been talking about you!
We need you!
and I mean NEED!
Reena.. please come save us from ourselves!
Go to that site and drop Mal an eamil.. he'll give you the details..
Love ya,

Pip said...

Elvina, my boo and i split for real. Am taking it very hard, share with me your experiences on how to get through it? when you are free of coz...

KuraKat said...

Perhaps the only way one can console oneself after so many failed auditions is that for every jerk that is rejected today, there is one else to eliminate tomorrow.

I pray that one day you will really find him, and snare him for good when you do, if you have not already snarled someone. =)

soorange said...

IMO, those people who think that Mr. Right has to be perfect will never find their Mr. Right. Everyone is bound to find things that they do not like or maybe even hate about each other along the way. It's the willingness to work things out that matters.

To me, Mr. Right (or Ms. Right) is the one who will never desert you.

Shewin said...

Aiyah Reena,

Marriage is not so Simple, it takes alot of courage and Patience. VERY MUCH IN FACT. Alot of Tolerence, From everything, bills, work, kids, in-laws and Out-laws.

Remember, the Mr Right now may not be the Mr Right 5-10 years down the road. The Mr Wrong now, May be the Mr Right in the end too.

More importantly you have to learn the Art of Acceptance. and the Art to Forgive and Forget. Many forgive, but they never forget.