Sleep

Image by `pyros

People have always wondered why I sleep so late. Some even believe that I don't ever sleep. I used to tell them I work better at night. My productivity and efficiency levels are interestingly much higher after the sun sets on everyone else's ass. Of course, I didn't convince that many people with that crappy excuse.

Then I explained that because I have a regional portfolio and report to our HQ in London, I actually have to work two shifts. Hence, when everyone has knocked off for the day, my 2nd shift would have started as that's the time when London clocks in at work.

That went down better with the skeptics - and I was let off the hook for a while. It wasn't long before people started to question if my bosses were barbaric tyrants, and my story was starting to make them look like unreasonable assholes.

Eventually I realised that I am in fact trying to maximise my waking hours as much as I can - with the objective of living my life to the fullest. I want to stay awake as long as possible so that I can do all the things I really want to do (which I can't when I am at work) - be it blogging, Facebooking, surfing the net, downloading (whatever), watching TV, gyrating to Xbox Kinect's Dance Central, listening to music, reading my favourite book or planning a party.

Every hour I spend sleeping is an hour of opportunity cost - at least for me and all the things I want to occupy my life with. If time is not a perishable commodity, I would have loved to store it in my cookie jar to be used at a later date. But precisely because it's not at my disposal to use as and when I want to use it, I am compelled to consume as much of it as I can whenever I am awake.

The funny thing is - I do love sleeping as much as I love staying awake. I am such a walking dilemma.
 

“Soon will I rest, yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twilight is upon me, soon night must fall.” ~ Yoda

Tolerance

Image by ~benchsketch

Many people have told me that I have a pretty high tolerance level. I guess when you have lived and interacted with unreasonable people for over 30 years, you will probably develop tolerance as a force of habit. To illustrate this: Assuming a normal human being is typically tolerant 50% of their time, my tolerance level will at least be at 200%. At least.

Some people do not know their limits. They will keep pushing all the buttons just to set me off. I am someone who can be pretty calm and collected, even under the onslaught of extreme pressure. But there will come a time where I will retaliate - and when that time comes, I shall show the antagonists no mercy.

I am like a rubber band. You stretch me a little, I tend to propel very far. You stretch me too much, I will snap. I will snap back so hard that you will feel a stinging slap to your face. I may even draw blood, if I snap back hard enough. Which I will, especially when provoked.

You wouldn't want to see that.

Everyone has his/her boiling point. Mine's probably a tad higher than the normal Jane and John Does, which is why it usually takes a hell lot to break me. If I am in a forgiving and reflective state of mind , I may allow myself to sink into self-pity and depression. I will probably even beat myself up for allowing people to step all over me, treating me like shit.

But should I be in an unforgiving mood, I will withdraw and shield my heart with a humongous block of ice. I wouldn't let you see my pain or my seething anger. All you will get from me is my utter disdain. When that happens, you will finally realise what it means to be disregarded by yours truly. I will flick you off my shoulder as if you are an irritating, contemptuous pest. I will have you know that you are not even worth a milisecond of my precious time.

I am not trying to be petty, malicious nor vindictive. I just want to make a point that if you keep chipping at the same rock, it will wear thin over time and eventually, there will be absolutely nothing left. Works the same way for patience and tolerance too. So you can piss me off once, twice and many times over. If I've tolerated you even after the 100th time, you are probably someone I care a great deal about.

But even then, if you keep hacking away at my pride and leave me with nothing, you can rest assured that you will receive nothing from me in return. Absolutely nothing. Not even a glance, a nod or even an acknowledgement of your pathetic existence.

As what I have updated on my Facebook today - "I may have a high tolerance level, but that doesn't mean I have to maintain it."

You have been warned.

Losing hope

Image by ~d1kobraz

I finally understood now why JadeFalcon is such a cynical person - and why he would always rather choose to think the worst of people instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, I found out things about my friends which threw my life off balance. Though a self-proclaimed cynic, there are still some individuals in the world I tend to have a soft spot for. Despite all the selfishness and callousness I see going around in the world, I continue to harbour a tiny hope that there are others who are different.

Whenever I watch BBC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the overwhelming outpour of love, support and humanity from the community - helps fuel that hope. Maybe that's why I couldn't stop watching it -  I need to sustain my faith in humans.

What happened with my friends - the incident came dangerously close to snuffing out whatever little hope or faith that I have left. I was greatly disappointed and couldn't understand how self-centred they have become. I never realised. What compels a person to think only for himself/herself? How could a reasonably intelligent person have no qualms indulging in wrongful acts, totally oblivious to the hurt and pain they will eventually inflict upon others? Why do people allow themselves to sink deeper into sin, not once but again and again? And why do they eventually only see their own pain but not their flaws when they are rudely exposed? Whatever happened to guilt, remorse and repentence?

Over the last two weeks, I asked myself those questions over and over again. I couldn't help but wonder - if they were not my friends, could I have been so understanding, tolerant and forgiving? Would I have taken a much tougher stance? Would I have discounted my own values and tried to see the situation from their point of view?

Maybe not. Most likely not.

So I stayed and listened even when I felt so let down. Couldn't bring myself to walk away. It grieved me to see them falling apart, but it hurt me even more to realise they are no longer the friends I used to know. Subconsciously, I find myself keeping an emotional distance - so that I can remain objective and not play judge and jury. 

Somehow I feel that I have lost them forever - although they are still around me. Then again, I never really knew the "real" them.

I can almost hear JadeFalcon say, "I told you so."

“Love never dies a natural death.

It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

~ Anais Nin quotes (French born American Author of novels and short stories, 1903-1977)

Chris Medina made me cry

For those who have watched American Idol, you would know who Chris Medina is. He was the guy who made me cry and broke my heart when he shared the story of how his beautiful wife-to-be suffered a traumatic brain injury after a terrible car accident. He was the one who made me cry again when he was ousted from the Top 24 in American Idol. I teared again when I heard his latest heart-wrenching single, "What Are Words".

Could anyone love the way he does? Where does he get his strength from to go on day after day - taking care of his now handicapped girlfriend? How will his life be from this point? How long can he hold on to his love for her? How long can he wait for her to recover - assuming that is even possible? He is but only 26 years old....

At the American Idol audition, Steve Tyler went up and gave Chris' girlfriend Juliana Ramos an emotional kiss before saying to her,"Hey girl, I just heard your fiance sing and he is so good cause he sings to you all the time. I could tell… That’s why he sings so good because he sings to you."

My eyes stung with tears and it absolutely broke my heart to hear that. I was overwhelmed with deep sadness for both of them. Times like these, you wonder if God was testing their love. Times like these, I count my blessings and treasure my loved ones even more. Times like these, I pray that the Lord will not put me through such ordeals - because it will be too much for me to bear.

If this was indeed a test, I pray that the Lord will have mercy on this young couple, and make Juliana Ramos whole again.

The Blog Rant

Photo by Catch 22

I have not blogged in a while. A long, long while.

I guess it's always easy to use "I am busy" as an excuse. Looking back, that was a pretty lame excuse. I seem to have time for every other useless activity in the world such as updating my status on Facebook, checking in on FourSquare and microblogging on Twitter.

I have become such a lazy slob.

I used to think that blogging is such a therapeutic exercise for me. I used to love the fact that people really liked reading my blog, and frequently engaged me with their comments and feedback. I used to enjoy blogging about stuff that was going on in my life - and verbalising my opinions and thoughts via this online platform.

Somehow, work killed all of that.

Perhaps the perfectionist in me is standing in the way between me and my blog. I am always looking for the perfect reason to write, as I want every post to be meaningful. I often struggle between blogging for the sake of having something on this page everyday, and writing about something that matters to me or the people around me. Gradually, because I couldn't find a good reason to write, I stopped blogging.

Another lame excuse I agree.

Perhaps as I grow older and older, I start to withdraw more into that little private space inside the shell. I become less willing to share my views, and more hesitant to baring my soul. I don't want people to know too much. I probably don't care either.

Perhaps I am too hard on myself. My boss told me I needed to have more faith in myself, and that I should stop putting myself down. I didn't even realise I was doing that. I always think people around me deserve better. Don't ask me why - I just feel so.

Perhaps I lack discipline. I have left this blog to rot and gather dust the same way I have let my health slip, and my weight to balloon. I am so good at lamenting, but damn lousy at making the changes that will make me a much happier person.

Perhaps I think and worry too much. Perhaps I am lost and still not found. Perhaps I am just exhausted from carrying so much weight on my shoulders for so long.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps all I need to do - is sleep.