Checkin' Out of Heartbreak Hotel

Artwork by ~shadrad

A blogger friend asked recently how she should nurse a broken heart when she loses someone whom she loves very much.

Where matters of the heart are concerned, unfortunately, one cannot subscribe to a response/reaction template or formula. It differs from time to time, and varies from circumstances to circumstances.

When I was younger (young and hot by the way!), breakups are common. Guys checked in and out of my life, and I thought it was just a process of growing up and finding myself. I hardly beat myself up over it because I knew there will always be someone else. Losing someone was awful no doubt, but I'd never allowed it to take precedent over other aspects of life - such as friends, work, family, school, hobbies etc. I figured it was not that I was being flippant, but rather, my priorities were somewhere else, something else.

If a guy leaves me for whatever reasons, he could always be replaced by someone who may be more loving, less argumentative, more financially well-off, less clingy, more understanding, less unreasonable, more sensitive, less promiscuous.....and the list goes on. I've always felt an unsupressable need to move on, either as a way to cope with the temporal pain/heartache or as a form of self-justification that it wasn't really my loss, but his.

I also convinced myself that grieving over lost love for too long was a waste of time. I wanted to make the best use of my time because I am one who believes strongly that time is perishable and once I miss today, I could never relive it again. Today only happens once in your lifetime. And that goes for every other day in your life too.

Then I grew up and something changed inside me. Relationships began to matter much more. I took it more seriously because I wanted to stop moving from one fleeting love to the next. It became more tiresome to start from scratch every time - getting to know someone and allowing him to understand you back. It became harder and harder to let go as you grow older. The need for stability and finding a person you can entrust your feelings to forever (if forever exists) became more pronounced.

I am actually not the best person to give an advice on how to move on, having been someone who has wallowed in a pity party alone for four years before breaking out of a self-induced imprisonment. It was torturous to say the least. But I needed time. Time off to think about the self-destructive relationships that I put myself through all the time. Time to gain my confidence back. Time to know what kind of guy I really want in my life this time. And I needed time to thoroughly heal the heart that refused to stop bleeding.

If there's one thing that can help you check out of Heartbreak Hotel, it's not your conviction to forget. It's not who you date after that failed relationship. It's not how much you cried your heart out and how many people you talk to about it. It's not about sticking needles in a voodoo doll with his name on it, or hating him with all the blood in your veins.

It may sound corny, but time does really heal. It is amazing how in the moment of pain, that concept is almost unbelievable. But unknowingly, the pain lessens. The hurt diminishes. The feeling of betrayal fades. And all the pent up anguish and misery - become more and more undefinable. It will come a point when you wake up one day, and realise you have absolutely ziltch feelings towards that person who has hurt you so bad when he walked out of your life. And you begin to wonder where all that excruciating pain went.

Time is undoubtedly, the best healer of all wounds - both physical and emotional. Give yourself time and space and allow your heart to mend itself. By forcing yourself to forget about it would only amplify the damage, slowly but surely.

Though for me, writing can be strangely therapeutic. And hence, I write, I blog, I rant. Somehow it catalyzes that healing process.

"Time heals what reason cannot."

~ Seneca (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD)

"Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." ~ Thomas More

"Healing takes courage, and all of us have courage,

even if we have to dig a little to find it. ~Tori Amos

Mr. Right II

There's a need to clarify that when we talk about Mr. Right here, we are not referring to Mr. Perfect. Besides the fact that he doesn't exist, it's also impractical to demand that of someone when we are so dotted with imperfections ourselves. I strongly believe that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Since we ain't talking about Mr. Perfect, the main discussion on Mr. Right is not about how good or how loving, romantic, understanding, rich, tall, dark and handsome he must be in order to qualify as Mr. Right.

Mr. Right is a guy whom a woman feels is the right fit for her life. He may be so utterly flawed, but for her, just for her, he is what she wants. Or maybe, in a more realistic concept, he is who she can accept as a total package - imperfections and all.

Going by that definition, if you find a guy, who despite your attempts to accept and overlook the things you really do not like about him, isn't someone you can accept whole-heartedly, then probably he is not the guy.

I have many girlfriends who go through this process of self-abuse and torture, where they keep flogging the dead horse of whether the one in their life is Mr. Right.

"I know he loves me. I do love him, but I can't trust him."

"If not for the fact that he is so flippant when it comes to relationships, he is really the guy I want to spend my life with."

"I know he has feelings for me, but maybe he's just not ready."

"It's always better to find a man who loves me more than I love him. If I miss this bus, I may never find someone like him again."

Sounds all too familiar? Have you been defining Mr. Right based on those self-authored standards? Why is there such a pressing need in us to force fit someone into the Mr. Right mould, even when there's a hint of nagging doubt tugging at the back of our mind? How often do we have to try and convince ourselves the man we in our lives is really the guy we desire and love?

The issue to this topic is "convincing". If I ever come to a point in a relationship where I have to justify why a man is Mr. Right, he's probably not the one at all. Once, I asked an ex-boyfriend what he loved about me.

Instead of giving me typical answers that men would usually give (i.e. your beautiful smile, your wonderful personality, your smothering kisses etc...), he asked,"Why is there a need to justify my love? If I tell you I love you because you are awfully sweet, and one day if you stop being so sweet, does that mean I should stop loving you? Should there be reasons for loving you? If those reasons cease to exist, would I have to withdraw my love too?"

Since then, I have learnt that when you love someone, you love him - just because you do. There could be 1001 reasons why you are attracted to him, or why you are so enamoured to everything that he says or does. But they could never be the reasons for loving him. You love someone because you want to, and because you just do.

Some of you may not agree that elimination is the key to sieving out the Mr. Rights. Some of you may even feel that Mr. Right, like Mr. Perfect, doesn't exist. There is no right or wrong notions to this. But there are proven stories that may support how Mr. Right can really exist, and only if you want him to.

You may never realise that throughout your entire life, you'd have performed millions of elimination activities either consciously, sub-consciously or even unconsciously. That's how you get to know what's your favourite food, color, music, artist, places, people, fashion style, hair color etc. The things that define you and your world are established through a constant cycle of trying and elimination to narrow down what makes you tick.

Why should it be any different with the man of your life? However I do admit that for some girls, love seems to be less picky. These women are the ones who marry the first man they ever loved. I have one such friend. Her husband was her first and last love. She does not have to eliminate a whole slew of Mr. Wrongs to find him.

For the rest of us victimized love-struck fools, you don't really have a choice. You gotta go through the cycle of life to zoom in to a person you know will define your life, just like the other personal choices you have made in your lifetime.

Personally, I've sincerely treated each and every guy I have dated as a potential Mr. Right. The nagging feeling's always there, and many times like what some of you have mentioned, I wanted to run away. I wanted to give up because I could never be sure. I am tired of going through the motions of loving and failing, and I do not know how to trust anymore. I probably wanted a Mr. Right so much that I am actually fearful of losing him after I've found him. I would even go into a self-destructive mode and do things to intentionally test or rip apart a relationship.

But that's self-defeating, isn't it? I think we need to start believing Mr. Right is there, and if he is the one destined for you, you don't really have to work that hard to snare him. Even if you feel like running away, even if the nagging feeling is so strong, and even if you very much want to throw everything you have for this guy away - you will realise, you can't. Real love can bind two imperfect people together and make them right for each other.

I am not saying Mr. Right will never ever quarrel with you. I am not saying Mr. Right will be the epitome of the Perfect Husband and Boyfriend - and that he will be exactly what you dream of and desire.

But rather, he will be the one you love despite all your doubts, your fears and your insecurities. Most importantly, he loves you just as much despite having those same doubts, fears AND insecurities too. When the days are rosy, your love grows. When days are bad, you fight, you hurt each other, you tear each other apart, but at the end of the day, both of you try to right everything again and mend the love as you go along. It takes a hell lot of work to be the Right person for each other.

Mr. Right is the man who is willing to go through that with you.

A wise woman once said,"The happy moments you see in a loving couple are always captured in photo albums. But what you will never get to see in those photos are the painful and heartbreaking moments that they went through to be together."

Swinging in Sydney

Hi dearies....

Sorry for the long absence. I have been caught up since last Tuesday 'cos I have finally started work in my new office!

My colleagues were very warm and friendly, and my boss was extremely funny and endearing. My work as a marketing manager for this executive recruitment company is fantastic as I am the only and first marketing manager to be hired for the job. No precedence - means I get to set all the rules and direct how the marketing, branding and communications of the company is going to go.

That made me feel really important. Haha... :)

I am taking charge of the Asia markets - namely Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong. Expansion plans are underway, so you can be sure that I will have more on my hands than ever.

Right now, at this moment, I am blogging from my Sydney office. YES! I am nestled in Down Under. Arrived on Sunday evening and started my first round of training under my marketing director in Sydney yesterday.

Weather: Freaking cold, wet, windy and I am freezing to my toes!

Sydney is great. The pace is much slower, the city sights are beautiful and the people are generally friendly. Maybe I may eventually retire here when I am old and sagging.

My office is another one of Sydney's greatest wonders. Perched on the 47th floor of the Citigroup skyscraper, one steps out of the lift to be greeted by a huge reception area, surrounded by full length glass windows. The office overlooks the Darlin Harbour and the view is simply breathtaking.

I did not bring along my super duper camera 'cos it wouldn't fit into my luggage which was stuffed with thick winter wear, but I will try to capture some shots from my trusty li'l phone. :P

I know I owe you guys Mr. Right Part 2 to Part Infinity, and I promise I will write about it once I get back. I am now quite into the groove of my new job, so it's not that hectic anymore.

As for the comments on the inaugural Mr. Right post, thank you all. You have given undoubtedly given me more inspiration and ideas to include in my next Mr. Right rambling.

As for Pip, I understand what you must be going through right now. I promise I will write something about it and hopefully, it will lift your spirits up a little.

Meanwhile, for the rest of ya, do continue to envy me for having a swinging time in Sydney.

I am going shopping tonight.