If I Were A Man

I often wondered how it would be like to be born a man. Too many times, I've been told that I'm very "man". Something of a faux pas, it seems.

I think they are not referring to the physical attributes - because thank heavens - I believe I still possess some similarities to the fairer sex. What makes me so "man" is probably the way I think, behave, feel, speak and possibly react, under certain circumstances.

Case in point (1):
After a fruitful meal, I stood up and was about to walk across the wet field to get to the car park. It was a much shorter walk really. I was reminded by my boyfriend that most girls would choose the concrete walkway, rather than aim straight for the muddy fields. "Only guys do that!" he'd exclaimed. Girls will be worried about getting their shoes wet and their feet muddy, and of course, the idea of trudging over the grass wouldn't really that appealing and oh-so-unfeminine.

Can you be just a little bit more "girly"? he asked.

Case in point (2):
It was another one of those days when I could never seem to get a waiter's attention. Normally, I would simply wave until someone spots my wobbling fat arms. Sometimes, however, my impatience gets the better of me and a sharp, shrill whistle would escape from my lips. The last time I did that, I was awarded five horror-stricken looks from my friends at the table.

Case in point (3):
Once I was celebrating a romantic occasion with a guy. I created this whole amazing race concept where he had to retrieve a rose from the restaurant staff and crack a code in order to find his seat. When we finally met at the table, he was visibly upset and embarrassed. I found out later that he was extremely uncomfortable being the focus of attention and the unwilling recipient of the rose.

"That's what a man will do for the woman, not the other way round!" he shrieked.

I wish I was a man sometimes.

1. I would command a larger share of voice in the boardrooms.
2. I would be able to romance a woman - and feel good about it.
3. I would be able to flirt shamelessly and get away with it. (Women who do the same are sluts.)
4. I could pee standing up. Best thing is, I don't have to queue outside the cubicles.
5. I could sit with my legs open and still look cool.
6. I could smoke, holler, and talk with my mouth full all at the same time.
7. I don't have to cover my mouth when I laugh out loud.
8. I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
9. I am free of sanitary towels and tampons.
10. If I do get to the top, it is LESS likely that I get there by sleeping with the boss.
11. I only have one thing on my mind all the time and it starts with "S" and ends with "X".
12. I am not expected to multi-task.

This list is of course, by no means exhaustive. I am sure some of you would have more outrageous reasons why it is so wonderful to be a man.

Meanwhile, I think I should just go paint my nails.

"The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman
is for the desire of the man.” - Madame de Stael