I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It's Raining Men

Women are highly pressured in today's society. Any idea why?

When I was in my teens, I was warned to stay off boys. The rebellious me started dating at 14 anyway. Since then, I couldn't remember a period where I didn't have a boyfriend. Until four years ago that is - when some philanderer broke my heart.

Fast forward to 2005 - age 29. I get to know new people. After revealing how "young' I am, I received a barrage of mindless comments like - "You are not young anymore leh. Aren't you afraid?" or "Don't you want to settle down? You'll be left on the shelf cos you are not getting any younger." or worse still - "Why are you not attached? Too choosy ar? High expectations?"

So much for tact. Such presumptuous nimcompoops.

These people are simply asking for it. What happens next is they will receive a whole lecture from me on why I think women should not get married just because societal dictates that it must be so, or that it must happen within a certain age/time limit.

Most ridiculous don't you think?

I do not want to be pressured into marriage just because I am getting OLD. I do not believe couples should rush into marriage because they have received the keys to their new flat. I object violently to the notion of marrying someone just because all my friends are already hitched. And the thought of marrying just for the sake of fulfiling societal standards (set by parents, friends, relatives, and other nosy parkers otherwise known as "KAYPOs") is simply APPALLING.

Marriage - I believe - should still be fundamentally based on compatibility and a lot of respect and love. And if I cannot find anyone who I can respect greatly, love deeply or even have the slightest tinge of compatibility to moi (and my idiosyncracies), then I am better off alone wouldn't I?

Why would anyone want to get married and be stuck in a loveless relationship, in which you disregard your partner and where both personalities are so conflicting that the only way out is to sleep in seperate beds? Or maybe the fastest way - which most young couples are so keen to take on right now - is to sign your name off and divorce yourself from your so-called "loved one".

How convenient. Machiam grocery shopping. You find a flaw in your product, you reject the goods and ask for refund.

So to all out there who's fond of laying the guilt trip on single women like myself, and demanding to know WHY we aren't throwing ourselves to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry that tumbled from the sky, LAY OFF.

Men that we wanted to marry do not sit pertly on supermarket shelves waiting for us to pick them up. Neither are they available in the window displays of shopping malls - for us to grab and drag down the aisle the very same day.

Marriage is not the solution to all single women's problems. In fact, they may jolly well be the beginning of our sorrows. You'd never know, would you?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Kaya Toast and Eggs

Met Debbie for tea today. We had Ya Kun kaya toast and eggs. It was like the old times.

I've known Deb since we were in Primary 5. That makes us friends for what - 18 and a half years? Just like kaya toast and eggs, we go so well together. She has seen me at my best, and been there at my worst.

When we were single, we met at least once a month for dinner, or to celebrate special days such as birthdays, holidays, Christmas, New Year etc. A year ago, she got married - and her baby came a few months later. Since then, we hardly meet and boy, do I miss her.

Of course, marriage and babies do play a part in the shift of priorities. I have learnt to accept that after a few more friends took the steady-marry-baby route. It's only natural that you will start spending less time with your friends.

Meeting her today brought back memories.
Of the days we spent in school.
Of the nights we spent out partying till the wee hours of the morning.
Of the guys we used to fall for.
Of the silly things we used to do when we were giggly young girls.

It feels great to have friends like that. It feels even better to have them after so many years. And though we may not spend as much time now as we'd love to, we are still pretty connected on an emotional level.

As one grows older, I realise our circle of friends shrink - significantly. Keeping friends, and keeping IN TOUCH with them - takes a lot of time and effort. I may not be the best friend ever to any of my friends, but I do know they mean a lot to me.

And as age catches up with me, I try to catch up with these buddies of mine - because good friends, as they say, are as rare a find as faithful husbands.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

No Money No Talk

This has been a really challenging year for me. In fact, the last three years have been extremely trying.

I was working and studying at the same time. When I told my friends that I have not taken leave for three years, they thought I was exaggerating. But it's true. I used up all my leave to cram for the examinations. I had to skip classes for work. Sometimes I even had to bring my notes to read on the plane or in the hotel when I am posted for overseas assignments.

Of course - now that I have completed my studies, I can breathe much better. But this is when the strain is being transferred to yet another critical part of my life. From time poverty - to real poverty.

My family depends so heavily on me to bring home the bacon. I have bills to pay, own expenses to take care of, as well as other "inevitable" expenditure that occurs from time to time - friends' weddings, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. Adding on to that is a huge amount of loans that I have incurred in pursuit of my degree - and which I am now servicing on a monthly basis.

I am so heavily laden with this financial burden that sometimes - my mind just slipped into oblivion. I try to keep this from my family - cos I would not want my mum to worry. But you know, there were times when I really felt that it's just too much to bear - all by myself. It can get pretty depressing when you are living from hand to foot every single month.

But I do try to be optimistic about this dismal situation. Just spend less, wait for bonuses to clear some of the smaller loans, stay home on weekends, and spend most of time sleeping - so that I don't have to eat so many meals a day! Hahaha...

But seriously, I do pray for a release out of this quandary, so that I would not be chained to this financial bondage. And I have faith that my prayers will be answered really soon. :)

Saturday, May 07, 2005

A Divine Demonstration

Talked to a pal from IRC just now. He was sharing with me how disillusioned he was with love. I could understand why. Out of four relationships - three of his girlfriends cheated on him. One of them ran off with his BEST friend.

Though I have heard many of such stories in recent years, these tragic love stories never cease to amaze me. They keep happening, and I watch The O.C. being replayed in real life time and again.

He went on to say that he would rather invest his time in his work, than on relationships - which he has somehow lost the ability to trust. I could truly relate to that - having been a victim of such betrayals myself. Commitment phobia kicked in the day LC left me for another girl.

Disbelief swept all over your entire being when you finally realize how much of yourself you have sank into the relationship - your heart, soul, time, days, nights, tears. Only to end up with nothing again. It hurts.

However, I know that being a Christian, though I may lose faith in men, I should never lose faith in the Lord. Irene sent me an article recently, and it truly humbled me. Let me share it here on this very blog - and pray that anyone who feels the same as my friend and I, would be comforted by these words.


A Divine Demonstration of Love
By: Dr. Charles Stanley

We all have some idea of what we think love is. But when we talk about God's unconditional love, what do we mean? Just what is this love?

We have difficulty understanding divine love when we try to define it by its opposite - false "love," which sets limitations and always withholds something. This so - called love clings to control and gives only in order to manipulate. It is emotionally detached and unwilling to be vulnerable.

Genuine love, on the other hand, means loving people for who they are, not for what they have to give. It means understanding who the other person really is and loving without restriction. If you must be in control and your heart is not 100% in it, you don't understand what true love is all about.

Looking at the love of Jesus Christ at the cross, I see the most perfect demonstration of love to be found anywhere. The Savior showed us how unlimited His love is - He gave us Himself and withheld nothing! (Romans 8:32) He also let go of the control that was rightly His. He did not give His love to manipulate us, but rather He gave us a free will so that we could choose to accept or reject Him.

And He loved us with vulnerability, already knowing His love would be rejected - even ignored or mocked. In loving with His whole heart, He was willing to be turned down and hurt.

If you want to know what love is all about, look at the Cross. Jesus gave His best - His all - to love us so that we could become children of God. (1 John 3:1)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Renew, Recharge, Revive

I felt a great sense of accomplishment today.

I actually did a makeover to this blog page. Gave it a new template. Edited some stuff using HTML code (I am so not into HTML editing cos I know nuts about it) and changed my photo. It's as if I've experienced a sense of Renewal through this process. This blog has been neglected since July - and boy, was I stricken with guilt. I'm never one to do things halfway, and it should not start with something as personal as my blog.

My leave starts today and I am given official approval to laze around and do nothing till next Tuesday. So I have decided to sleep as late as possible, not wake up till dinner time, play online games, watch CSI, The O.C, The Practice and other cheesy American dramas, chat on IRC, play mahjong and just do lots of other mindless stuff. That's what I call Total Recharge.

Which brings me to my last thought for the day. Revive.

I felt dead. A living dead. I smile when my heart aches. I laugh when I am on the verge of tears. I cry when I feel happy. And I held on to a love - even after it has died. It's not funny anymore. I want to believe, but I have no courage. I want to move on, but I feel discouraged. I need something, anything, anyone, to bring about a revival in me. But it's not easy. I still feel dead - even when I am breathing.

Sometimes I feel that I have so many secrets I actually do need a walk-in closet for all my skeletons...