I'm a simple girl with a li'l dream, of seeing her humble works in exquisite print, to share with all who feels for words, written with
an unsupressable urge. So indugle in my fantasies, and plow your way through my memories, greatly appreciated you will be,
if you can leave your comments here for me.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Broken Hearts & Trampled Souls

Another lousy day...
My girlfriend broke up with her guy of three years over the weekend. The same evening where I had a soul-baring chat with James.

In a span of 24 hours, she became single again, and I made a new friend - whom I think nevertheless, may not be hanging around for very long.

It's a depressing situation. Her tears broke my heart. Brought me back to the day I was dumped over the phone. Same thing happened to her. I have never seen her so sad - trying so hard to supress her tears when she related what happened.

My heart ached for her terribly. I do not know what to say, except that I totally understand what she is going through right now. I am not in the best position to offer any comfort, as I am a helpless wreck myself.

But her pain now - I believe - is more acute than mine. At least for this moment. It tears me apart to see couples breaking up, after investing many years of time, effort, love and sacrifices. Why would love die so pre-maturely? Why wouldn't it last? What killed love?

I guess there are many reasons, most of which may end up looking suspiciously more like excuses to end a relationship. Looking at her sobbing with such sorrow, my faith in love and relationships leapt headlong into the depths of the hopeless abyzz.

We went for drinks after our Japanese lesson. Gave her my best listening ear, and tried to make her laugh. Told her I will be with her every night if she wanted company - since I am dateless, steadless, boyfrenless and loveless as well. We would keep each other company, and maybe find a great place to go man-spotting every night. Hopefully by giving her my time to help her heal, I can help myself in the process. I want my friend to be happy, and I know it takes more than my company to achieve that.

But at least for now, this is the best I can do, and I'll continue to pray for God's divine intervention - not only for her, but for me as well. I feel both of us need a significant amount of healing - cos the heart is one uncontrollable, irrational and rebellious organ.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I Am A Total Wreck

Some years ago, I had a boyfriend of three years. We broke up because we had major communication issues - and we felt that the relationship was not going anywhere. The next guy that came along broke down my defences by declaring, "I will never hurt you like he did." My heart completely went out to him and I have never loved anyone like that ever since. By the end of the second year, he broke up with me on the phone, long-distance from Sydney. I had been replaced by another girl. The irony is, this one guy has managed to inflict a pain and hurt of such magnitude, that even I could not imagine that it is possible. How did one man accomplish that? I am still reeling badly from the pain - and that relationship had ended 4 years ago.

What then had triggered me to write about it?

I met this guy recently - let's call him James. He reminded me so much of Leon before he gave me up for someone else. A guy like James - I feel - is a subject truly worth studying. He is extremely patient and nice, well-mannered, intelligent, sentimental, loving and sensitive. Probably more so than your typical SNAG. Don't ask me why he is single - cos that's another story altogether - and I don't think it would be right to repeat on this blog.

So James and I met up twice and went out for drinks. Both dates were wonderful. By the first date, he knew more about me than many of my other friends - and vice versa. By the second date, we were chatting from 10.30pm till 6am in the morning, by the riverside at One Fullerton. The chats were definitely an eye-opening experience for me. What are the chances of a person meeting another - with whom you can truthfully bare your heart and secrets to - on the very first date? It may not mean anything to some of you, but it meant a great deal to me.

By the second date, we were truly comfortable with each other. Felt like we have known each other for years. I guess we could go on and on, if not for the fact that we needed rest like any other humans. I have not opened up to any guy since Leon, and I must credit James for having that ability to make me come out of my broken shell. I am really, really grateful. He touched me with his patience and understanding. He said I make him laugh. It's a wonderful start to a great friendship, I thought. I feel liberated, as if the burden I had carried with me, had been slowly eroded by these open chats with James.

Over the weekend, I was suddenly immobilized by a wave of nausea and panic. I could not understand why, and that made it worse. What I felt was liberating, gave way to an acute sense of vulnerability. I realised I have revealed so much of myself to someone I hardly knew - and my heart was once left wide open. The bleeding had not stopped, but the wound was re-opened once again. As much as I was thoroughly enjoying James' company, I was subconsciously keeping him out by encouraging him to leave the country for better prospects, but consciously letting him in through sharing my life story with him.

I felt as if I had enthusiastically digged up all the awful past in my excitement to share, and it is now lying in a messy, sickening pile in front of me. It hit me suddenly that James has seen it all, but soon he would not be around to help me pick up those pieces at all. I am left all alone with that ugly mess, and I wondered how long it would take me to re-bury all of them again. The problem is, in my own self-destructive way, I had also gave James many reasons not to be there. He has his priorities and own set of problems to worry about, and all I could do was convince myself and him that it would be better for him to be away.

Therein lies my problem. I seem to have a knack for self-sabotaging. James is not the issue. The issue is that I have a deeply-rooted psycho/emotional blockage that made me inflict pain on myself over and over again. I gave myself hope, and I killed it with my own bare hands the very same day. I am so self-destructive that I allow the past, the present and the future to hurt me. I cannot explain what this meant, but I know it is something I could not control.

I shared because I needed to - so badly, then I withdraw immediately because I felt so vulnerable. This is closely followed by feelings of fear, depression, and the need to escape and forget - and the ridiculous desire to get away from any one who came near. Anyone who potentially has the ability to trample on my broken spirit - like what Leon has done. I loathe this part of me, really I do.

The saddest part of this whole realization is that, I am not even angry with the guys that came into my life. I don't hate any of them. In fact, I even want to love some of them. But I could not because I am constantly destroying myself - intentionally.

Irene sent me this verse earlier today, after I almost broke down just thinking about what a total, screwed up wreck I am. She said I might need help because it's been 4 years, and I'm getting worse - instead of getting better.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

Lord, help me please.