my soccer jersey

I must be really bored. I don't even watch the World Cup. The only thing I know about soccer is David Beckham, Michael Owen and Pele. So why the hell do I need a jersey?

But I love the number 33 and I thought it would look really cool on a soccer jersey.

Actually, what really got me all "excited" about this little boys' game was that I've been tasked to organise an inter-bank soccer tournament in May. The thought of 10 sweating men grunting and shoving each other on the field, trying to cajole a little black & white ball between the hairy legs of another grown man into a gaping net - is quite arresting indeed.

So with that powerful image in my mind, I went about my day selecting trophies that will embellish their win, and reaffirm their mastery of The Ball & The Net.

Then I tried to redesign the jersery, spending a brainless afternoon moving the tournament logo all over the shirt and trying to decide on the one perfect spot where it would look great, and not just "good". Yes, I am THAT anal.

With that out of the way, I decided to take a break from all that testosterone stuff and design my own cute jersery. Which leads us to the beginning of this blog entry.

I must be really bored.

it's been a long week

..or rather a really long month.

too much work. not enough sleep. brain dead. feeling a little lost. and i think age has something to do with the way i feel.

physically and emotionally.

getting fat. metabolic rate is declining faster than the US stock market. energy levels at all time low. water retention. feeling bloated.

don't feel so good about myself. strange. I was never that self conscious. Somehow, people's remarks about how bad i look now are getting to me. I hate it and I am fighting it, but it's wearing me out.

sometimes i wish people will leave me alone.

People will always fail you...

Artwork by ~DannyPhantomFreek

....and that's a fact.

I am surrounded by quitters. It's so disheartening that I can't even bring myself to talk about it.

I am not one to quit easily. I always believe that as long as we keep trying - things will work out the way we want it to. Having faith is so important - but I am slowly losing it. It's hard to cling on to faith when everyone seems to have no qualms hacking it away from you with their negativity and bitterness.

Can't help feeling defeated. And sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time. And the feeling of sadness - feels like a disease that eats away at your heart, bit by bit, until it finally stops beating and begins to rot and fester.

God am I tired.

Elvinalogy 4.0

Time for more insights on Yours Truly. Speaking about time....check this one out. Snitched it from Richard's blog.

What Time of Day Are You?

You are 10:02 a.m.

You are breakfasty, like a pile of pancakes on a Sunday morning that have just the right amount of syrup, so every bite is sweet perfection and not a soppy mess. You are a glass of orange juice that's cool, refreshing, and not overly pulpy.

You are the time of day that's just right for turning the pages of a newspaper, flipping through channels, or clicking around online to get a sense of how the world changed during the night. You don't want to stumble sleepily through life, so you make a real effort to wake your brain up and get it thinking.

You feel inspired to accomplish things (whether it's checking something off your to-do list or changing the world), but there's plenty of time for making things happen later in the day. First, pancakes.

I feel delicious already....

Which Movie Superhero Are You?

You're Superman

You sometimes feel like you're different from everyone else on the planet, but you don't mind, because you like these Earth people! You consider it your duty to keep them safe. Like Superman, you're comfortable wearing colorful, attention-grabbing outfits in public. If you see someone breaking the law, you'll swoop in and correct the problem. Your family, friends and coworkers appreciate how dependable you are, even if they don't realize the full extent of your powers.

I do feel like him sometimes. Expected to save the world, yet grossly undervalued. Why do people always take me for granted?

Failure

Artwork by ~zurih

I came across an article recently which asked these interesting questions:

1. What would you do if you know that whatever you do, there will be absolutely no chance of failure?

2. What kind of challenges/risk would you take on knowing that the element of judgement is removed?

3. What is stopping you from pursuing this goal right now?

The fear of failure, as you can see, is an overwhelming force. It paralyses you - and hinders you from reaching your potential. It stops you from reaching from your dream. Most of all, it compromises who you are - so that you left with "who you could have been".

Now - they even have a name for this condition. Atychiphobia.


Would the fear of failure lead to more failures? Because missed opportunities may not come by again. Because the consequences of not taking the leap of faith may outweigh whatever you are trying to save yourself from. Because you only live once.

No one describes this state of mind better than Alexander Sergeievich Pushkin:

I've lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all that's left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust

Heck. I could have so been a CSI.

memories of London

As promised, here are the long awaited photos from my London trip. It's a really lovely place, and I would like to visit it again sometime. Haven't had that much time for sightseeing this time, which explains why I didn't take that many photos. :P

Click to view more photos from my London trip!

"The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express." ~ Francis Beacon, Sr.

Time Filler

Artwork by =andaria

A girlfriend of mine asked me today: "What do you make of a guy who messages you every day, calls you up to chat every night, but never ask you out?"

"He's bored at that point in time, and is probably taking a break from whatever has been taking up his time before he called/messaged. In other words, I think you are his time filler." I rationalised.

So how do you tell when you someone is taking you as his time filler? Here are some tell tale signs...


1/ He calls you at his convenience - even it that means in the middle of the night.

2/ He is more caught up with updating you about his life than asking about yours.

3/ He hardly asks you out, but when he finally does, it's out of the blue when he's got nothing else on to distract him.

4/ When he's with you, he's only got one thing on his mind and it starts with S and ends with X.

5/ He wants you to understand when he is busy, but he kicks up a big fuss when you have no time for him.

6/ He wants to know who else you are seeing; but he keeps his dates a secret

7/ He says he misses you whenever he calls - but his calls are so infrequent you wonder if that was true.

8/ He calls you to chat when he is drunk.

The list goes on - but these are the ones I always hear about.


So ladies - if you don't wish to be taken as a time filler, recognise these signs and purge these men out of your life. They are toxic and detrimental to your emotional well-being.


You definitely deserve better.

My Resolutions for 2008

Artwork by ~Marendigell

Somehow I find it easier to achieve the gruelling KPIs of my work, then my yearly personal resolutions. It's as though I have taken myself for granted.

Fortunately for me, I am quite a goal-oriented person. Once I've set my mind on something, I will work towards gettting there. Maybe for personal goals, it will take me a while - but yeh, I will get there. :)

And here are my resolutions for 2008. Check back again with me at the end of the year - and we will do an audit of how far I would have come.


1. Exercise regularly.

I have been pretty sickly last year - and have been told by my numerous concerned friends that maybe I should get out into the sun more and move my lazy ass. Exercise helps improve blood circulation and sleep, boosts the immune system, and of course, keeps my ballooning weight in check.

I don't seem to have a choice if I want to reduce the number of days I have been on sick leave. So I resolve to take NO medical leave this year! <== Big Fat Hairy Resolution

On to the treadmill!


2. Lose 6 kg in 6 months.

This is an unfortunate consequence of not exercising at all whilst I was stuffing my face with food. I will write more about this in my next post - but for now, I need to cut off some fats at strategic parts of my body, gain and tone some muscles and stop looking pregnant. This practically means, Resolution (1) is necessary for the successful completion of Resolution (2).

Damn.

3. Blog regularly.

My blog seemed to be frozen in time in 2007. Yes, I admit I had other distractions - but that shouldn't be an excuse. I absolutely love writing. Blogging helps to keep that rhythm, and disciplines me to materalise my thoughts, opinions and emotions in words. It oils the writing engine and more often than not, reduces the down time - more commonly known as writers' block.

I want to be able to share like before and let my entries touch people in ways that I might not be able to do so in person. But most of all, I don't want to stop writing and lose sight of the one true passion of my life.


4. Make a will

Life is so fleeting - and totally unpredictable. I see people dying around me every day, and the fatalistic part of me sometimes wonder when will I be next to go. You would never know, would you?

So I was thinking, if I do expire one day, I want to leave behind a legacy to bless those whom I care about. When there's a will, there's a way.

How corny.


5. Develop the outline of my book.

That's pretty achievable, don't you think? I have to start somewhere you know - and writing that very first chapter seemed even harder than conquering Mount Everest. It seems that many writers are inflicted with this numbing disease called Writophobia - the fear of writing because one feels the finished work will never be good enough.

I figured if I start working on the outline of my book and list the topics/chapters that I would be writing on, the next step to writing that first chapter would be less daunting.

Or am I deluding myself?


6. Clear my debts.

Credit cards - the bane of all evil. I want to be debt free - or at least credit card debt free by end of 2008. Banks are legitimate loansharks. They seduce you to take their products, entice you to use them regularly (for everything and anything), and blind you with all sorts of promotions and member privileges. And suddenly, you are totally duped into using the money that you don't have in the first place.

Behind the scenes, they start to pile up the interests, which escalate every month to alarming levels. And before you know it, you are neck high in a pile of shit and gotta try to stay afloat and not to drown in the tsunami of bills.

So I am getting meself a mighty pair of scissors to cut away those plastics the moment I cleared the shit out of them. That's what me gonna do.


7. Start saving.

The lack of savings is an unfortunate consequence of servicing credit card debts. Which means Resolution (7) is dependent on the successful completion of Resolution (6). Don't you just hate it when your resolutions overlap like this?

I want to be able to put aside a significant amount of savings each month. I want to be less dependent on plastics and loans and have a healthy amount of cashflow. I want to fatten my bank account and be able to swim in wads and wads of bills.

Well I can dream, can't I?


So there we have it - seven simple resolutions for the new year. Nothing fanciful - but extremely significant to me. I am hesitant to have more than seven resolutions because as it is, it takes a hell lot of determination and discipline just to achieve one. I am being Ms Realistic here - so that I will not be driving myself insane just to tick a laundry list of resolutions off my checkbox.

Now - what are YOUR resolutions for 2008?

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~ James Agate

happy birthday to me

Artwork by ~polawat

one year older
one year none the wiser
forget the candles
scrap the cake
less is more, remember?

from girl to woman
like a flower blossomed
what's innocence
where I'm from
it's literally non-existent

so it's another year
another day
another reminder
oh, come what may

so much love today
i feel faint
greetings poured in
like summer rain

well my friends
thank you for everything
life's been great
absolutely divine
almost heavenly
so just for today
happy birthday
to me

christmas in London

Yes - I am in London!

I have been invited by my HQ to visit the London office - and meet up with my marketing counterparts. It was also a perfect opportunity for me to attend our company's Christmas party that's happening in about 30 minutes time. I am blogging from the members' area at the Natural History Museum - a gorgeous work of art - where the black tie event is being held.

Here's a sneak peek of this awesome architecture and the lovely skating rink outside it.

London is freezing cold right now - and the average temperature in the night time hovers between 0 to 2 degrees.

But it's great fun and absolutely quaint - and the weather...mmm..it is a wonderful change from the hot and humid Singapore. Just last night, I took a stroll down Oxford Street with a cup of warm steamed milk in one hand, and shopping bags in the other.

I will put up some more pictures when I am back.

Meanwhile, for all my friends in Hotel Solace - Happy holidays and have a blessed Christmas.

I Am Not Going To Think About Her

Break ups are hard - and I have seen different people cope in different ways. This guy however, has a really unique way of doing it. Extremely creative too. I totally dig the script.

If you are going through a similar situation now, nurse your heart ache by watching this clip. Even if it can't heal you, I hope it would at least bring a smile to your face.

However, if you are the one dying to get away, this dude gives you tips on How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps.

I am beginning to think he may need a psychologist to untie all the knotted angst.

For more of his wit, humor and cynicism, check out his webpage - Tales of Mere Existence.

Quirky.

my world of warcraft

Thought I would show you guys an example of what I do on World of Warcraft. The little gnome -Sheerlock - in pink ponytails is me - killing an elite dragon boss with nine other members from my guild, each with different special abilities and powers.

Have fun viewing!

the three questions

Artwork by ~sora-ko

Once upon a time, there was a king, who is quite a philosophical man. He had three burning questions on his mind, which he had no answers to. The three questions were:

1. Who is the most important person in the world?
2. What is the most important thing to do in the world?
3. When is the most important time to do it?

The questions were posed to his ministers, but none, including his wise sages, could give him the answers he was seeking. Feeling frustrated, the king decided to venture out of the palace and take a walk in town.

As night began to close in, the king decided to put up at a little hut, situated on the outskirts of town. The hut was owned by a hospitable old man who lived alone.

In the middle of the night, the king was awakened from his deep slumber by a loud commotion. Someone was banging hard at the door and shouting for help. The King got up just in time to see the old man opening the door. A young man came rushing in, his clothes torn and stained with blood. More blood was dripping down his forehead and his eyes were filled with desperation and fear.

The young man begged the old man to shelter him from his pursuers, who were hot on his heels. Without another word, the old man agreed and quickly hid the young man out at the back in a shack, where it was dark and isolated. Not long after, soldiers came storming into the house, demanding to know if the old man has seen anyone passing through his grounds.

The old man denied and feigned ignorace, and the soldiers left him to continue their manhunt. The young man finally came out of his hiding place, washed and cleaned up his wounds, thanked the old man and went on his way.

The King was stupefied at what unfolded before his eyes, but kept his composure. The next morning, he asked the old man:

"Why did you agree to help the young man last night? Why did you not even bother to find out who he was? What has he done? Or where is he going?"

The old man look the king in the eye and replied:

"The most important person in the world is the one who needed your help most. The most important thing to do is to offer whatever assistance you can in his time of need. And the most important time to do it is right then and there - immediately."

The king was stunned for a moment, and it finally dawned on him that the answers he has been searching for for so long, were actually right before his eyes. The old man had taught him the most important lesson he needed to know.

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself." ~ Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642)

enough is enough

Artwork by ~RusRed

why is it so
when things go wrong
the burden to bear
is always mine
and when i've done right
you, not me
are the one who shine

maybe i am easy
maybe i don't mind
but maybe, just maybe
you think i'd be fine

why does one think
when friendship ends
they play no part
in the tragedy
and when pain sets in
it's all me
who caused the misery

maybe i am innocent
maybe i am nice
maybe, just maybe
i look like the bullying kind

enough is enough
betrayal is finite
take your curses
and beat it
get the hell outta my life

your vile intentions
your malicious lies
enough is enough
good riddance
and goodbye

i am back

it's been a while, a long while. i guess the chaotic pace of my work and other distractions - didn't help either.

i was also going through a writer's block. i stared for hours on this screen, trying to pen my thoughts but i couldn't.

not too long ago, i typed in Blogger's URL, but i was blocked. couldn't figure out why. since i have nothing i wanted to update, i gave up trying to log in.

then came one mail. then two. then a couple more.

friends of this blog started writing me, asking me if i am ever going to blog again. people i don't know emailed me telling me how my blog has impacted them in ways i cannot understand. long lost readers messaged me to say they missed my posts. everywhere i turn, someone will remind me of Hotel Solace.

and i have to say -- i am indeed very touched. i am sorry i have been gone for so long. i do want so much to touch lives again, and i hope i can still remember how to do it.

i have retreated into a space that doesn't need me to feel that much -- and that helped brought some stability and sanity back into my otherwise dysfunctional life. for a while, this blog has been that hotel solace for me, and many others. but the emotions that checked in here daily were mostly raw, and very, very real. i needed a solace of my own and i found it interestingly, by not blogging.

but it feels good ...to be back.

it feels wonderful to know u guys are still checking in.

and it feels liberating to be able to crack the stupid privacy code that's preventing me from logging into blogger.

and yes, i do miss you too.

Got this in my email today...

I should be feeling cheesed off, but on the contrary, i found it really amusing. Made me smile at least.... =)

==========================================================================


This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


Alright girls. Repost this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, repost it.

Men, repost this because you have balls.

bad tidings

I have been thinking about many things.

God. People. Love. Hate. Faith. Truth. Reality. Friendship. Work. Life.

I get overwhelmed sometimes by the many things I know, the stories I hear, the actions I see. Sometimes I wish I wasn't aware...it would make life much easier.
I guess there's a reason for everything - but I am not sure at this point what it is, or what it was.

It has been an emotionally charged period - not so much for me, but for many of my friends. People I like, people whom I am fond of, people who I truly care about. I see and hear so much pain over the last few months, it felt almost like my own.

They came to me - pouring their heart and soul out - seeking comfort, a listening ear or for some, maybe even a resolution. I don't have all the answers - and the burden of truth weighs so heavily on me some times, I am not sure what advice to give anymore so that I would not come across as merely paying lip service.

The stories unfolded with heartwrenching scripts. Depressing to say the least.

A woman who married her first boyfriend 20 years ago picked up her divorce papers today. A victim from years of child abuse, she is now undergoing treatment for manic depression. Her husband found love in the arms of a nightclub hostess recently and left her in shambles, in debt and in a big freaking mess. Of course, the plot goes much more complicated than that, but it takes a very cold, unfeeling heart to do what he has done to my friend.

Someone who I hold very dear lost her baby last week. I couldn't hug her cos she wouldn't allow me near her. I understand she needed time alone, but it kills me inside knowing that she is going through hell alone without me by her side.

My colleague had a nervous breakdown. I have always known him as a happy-go-lucky, optimistic and highly positive guy. I learnt once again not to judge a book by its cover when I saw the despair in his bloodshot eyes. No one knew but me. I wrote him a note to encourage him for I know not how else to help.

A casual chat with an ex-colleague last week led to yet another counselling session. This time, money was the key perpetrator. Her desperation to have a better life for her family streamed down her face, and scorched my heart like acid. I could only listen - helplessly.

There were more, and I try my best to take each one as they come. I listen. I speak with deliberation, tip-toeing over the raw sensitive areas. I offer my most sincere empathy, and whatever help within my means. But the obstacles surged like towering infernos, consuming and destroying everything within sight, and I felt nothing I do could put out the raging flames.

I keep wondering why people come to me, even strangers - unloading their baggage and sad tidings with ease and trust, even though they know they may walk away with nothing to gain from me. Most of the time I can offer nothing more than me - and my time.

I couldn't stop anything from happening.

And I'm sorry I couldn't help more than I wanted to. I have never felt more helpless than I am now.

a unique farewell note

My marketing executive is leaving today. As his manager, I need to do the necessary note to the whole office to announce his departure. Wanting to avoid the run-of-the-mill type of thank you and goodbye letters, I decided to send a press release in the spirit of Marketing.

Totally cracked everyone up. Here it is for your reading pleasure.

XX MARKETING DIVISION SUFFERS RECORD LOSS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MAY 10, 2007

The marketing division of XX suffered its greatest loss ever with the resignation of its Marketing Executive, Benjamin Tan Ande. Benjamin, 25, will be grazing on greener pastures over at leading global financial services provider ABC Bank to purse a high-flyer career in banking.

"I don’t know what to feel. As his manager, I am absolutely devastated to see him go, but as his friend, I am happy to know he’s scaling greater heights," said Rena Tan, XX’s marketing manager, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Benjamin joined XX as a marketing executive in Nov 2006, and was responsible for rolling out various marketing and events initiatives including HTML mailshots, career seminars and other strategic media partnerships. He was also instrumental in developing many long term strategic partnerships and alliances with many educational institutions and corporate associations.

Well loved and pampered by many ladies in the office (including office auntie), his departure was a great shock to the company.

One of his greatest fans, Elicia Loo expressed her deep sorrow when she heard the news. "He is such a pleasant, humble, responsible and down-to-earth boy who has no qualms about helping anyone out – that’s what I feel. I am very sad to see him leave."

"Aiya, I will miss him very much one, how?" the office auntie lamented.

Christina Ng from the banking and finance division almost choked on her Merlot upon receiving the news last night at Novus’ launch party. However, she managed to regain her composure and chirped positively, "Can’t believe he is going ABC Bank but not through us! But we still love him nonetheless as he will be giving us a phone list once he is there. =) But seriously, he has been such a proactive and hardworking guy, will miss him."

His lunch kaki and good buddy Jeremy Loy was spotted sobbing in the pantry. He said chokingly,"Benjamin is a cheerful, responsible person. I will no longer have his company for lunch any more. This is such tragic news!"

When asked about how he feels about abandoning the happy family at XX, the wildly popular Benjamin said with quivering lips,"I feel sad to leave the company because of the people who have treated me so well over the course of 6 months. I will be forever grateful for this company for providing me this memorable experience. On the other hand, I am looking forward to starting my career in the finance industry."

Benjamin’s last day with XX is May 11, 2007. He would be making his rounds and accepting hugs, kisses and fan mail from all well-wishers.

The good people at XX wish Benjamin all the best in his future endeavours and would like him to know that he will be dearly missed.

For more details on this groundbreaking news, please contact the Benjamin Tan Helpline at ext. 289. Counselling will be provided for distraught employees.

- ENDS -

sheerlock

sheerlock


just want to update some of you that i am already a level 70 warlock
in the World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade.


And this is how cute i am.


be afraid.

be very afraid.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt
to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.