Toxic Verbal Diarrhoea

Sometimes I wish I can just blog whatever's on my mind. You see, whenever I feel strongly about something, I get afflicted with "verbal diarrhoea". If I don't get it out of my system, I feel constipated. And that feeling really sucks - cos you'd feel as if you have a whole lot of shit stuck inside you, which you cannot purge. Extremely toxic for the body to store it inside infinitely.

Then again, there are people to consider. Feelings that I would have to be sensitive of. Personal issues that may be too private to reveal. Because I know whatever I write here will be read by the whole wide world, and that it will significantly affect or impact someone's life.

Hence, I am constantly filled with toxins - loads of shitty stuff that I cannot expel out of my heart and soul. Maybe that's why Yen always say I'm full of shit. :P

Many of my friends say I tell great stories and that one day I should pen it all down into a novel. I always tell them that if I ever write about all the stuff that has happened to me - I probably could churn out a trilogy. Or probably a slew of books like the Parry Hotter series. I kind of like the name Parry Hotter - cos I 've been told that I'm quite hot. Or rather, I would like to think that I am (getting slightly delusional here at this point).


Anyway, here's a story about a guy who checked into Hotel Solace recently. His name is Joe and he used to be a special guest at the Hotel many months ago.

One day he disappeared without a trace. Six months later, he reappeared at the lobby of the Hotel.


One unique thing about Hotel Solace is - guests always come and go, and some like Joe, vanishes without any reason. Most hotels will adopt a policy of turning such escape artists away. But Hotel Solace, being what it is, took him back in as a guest - with all past trangressions forgotten.

He claimed he has resolved his issues, and had came back a stronger person. Nothing could make him falter. But apparently, it was quite premature for him to say that. This time round, the issues got more complicated, and he realised he wasn't as strong as he thought he could be. Once again, Hotel Solace started to catch glimpses of Houdini practising his disappearing act.

The thing is, Hotel Solace could never stop anyone from leaving - nor does it has the right to. But it becomes disturbing when it happens once too often. Joe wanted to puruse a passionate dream and was adamant not to stick around and waste time. Yet he expects Hotel Solace to be opened 24/7 - to always reserve a special room for him whenever he's tired of escaping. Should the Hotel be unwilling to accede to his request of keeping him in mind, Joe would rather he never hear from the Hotel again. "Why bother?", he said.

That's pretty unsettling. He's got no intention to stay as a permanent guest at the moment , but he wants to be treated as one. He wants to be missed. He wants to be in the Hotel's top of mind. He badly wants to be detached from the Hotel, but yet he could not stay away. He enjoyed some of the Hotel's "VIP privileges", but ran away when it got too much for him to handle. "Confused" is the word Joe used to describe himself and how apt that is, I feel.

What can the Hotel do? The best thing to do is to let him go - so that he can pursue his ultimate passion. But he would have to be treated as any other guests that came and left. It's not fair of him to take advantage of the Hotel's VIP privileges, and disappear again simply because he does not want to pay the price of being a VIP, but at the same time, expects to be treated like one. Normal guests are normal guests. VIPs are VIPs. The distinction should be as clear as day.

But I guess many times, lines are blurred and people often cross them without realising it. There could never be absolute black or white, but probably lots of grey.

Maybe that's why, even when Hotel Solace got snubbed by Joe for its lukewarm reception to him, it could not turn him away. It could only hope that Joe knows his stance - and know what his rights are as a Normal guest in the Hotel.

To end the story, Hotel Solace believes that there are still many good Christians around, and that not all women are evil or crap. Maybe what Joe and other habitual escape artists really need is a rehabilitation center to help them get over years of bitter, pent-up emotional issues. Hotel Solace could never be the ideal place for them until they've learnt how to face up to their problems instead of running away.

Thank you for staying with Hotel Solace.

We look forward to seeing you soon.

Snow Wolf Lake

I cannot believe that Vivienne actually had free tickets to Snow Wolf Lake. I've always wanted to watch it, but I find it too expensive. When she asked me earlier this afternoon if I wanted to watch it tonight, I was delirious with joy! If she's in front of me right then, I would have hugged her breath out of her! (*kish the ground that viv walks on*)

THANK U BABE!!

Back to the musical. Jacky Cheung no doubt - is THE King of Mandarin Pop. His voice resonated the entire indoor stadium. Hearing him sing gave me goose pimples, cos he's really that good. However towards the end, his voice went hoarse. For those of you who don't know, he's got a problem with his throat. This should be his last musical - and probably his retirement masterpiece.

The musical, I felt, was pretty disappointing. Maybe I went in with too high expectations, after hearing all the rave reviews of this show. To summarize, it was draggy, corny at some parts, and boring to a great extent.

The cast was inconsistent - in terms of their performance. Delivery was awkward, and they re-used the same set for the entire performance. Songs were repeated throughout the musical and there wasn't one song that particularly stood out.

The final letdown was the ending. It really sucked. Being the cynic that I am, I could not help but wonder - love is really such a joke. Brings back to mind something Jade said - All good things must come to an end.

In short, Jacky swore to love a girl forever and ever. She died shielding him from a gunshot, fired by her jealous husband. The next scene, Jacky lived happily ever after by marrying her older sister, who had a crush on him for the longest time.

"Till death do us part"? Men and women of today have made a mockery of that vow. Marriage has only serve to become an institution - a contract sealed on paper and as easily breached as any contract on earth. Divorce is the ultimate and perfect escape clause for any failed partnership.

With that, allow me to share something I wrote once on this very issue. Be enlightened, and enjoy.....

I DON'T BELIEVE

Two lonely souls met, fell in love
For one moment in their lives, time freezes
He gave her flowers, sweet and blue
Each petal speaks of a love, so true
She wrote him letters, made him gifts
Her world revolves around this man, for eternity

He claimed he'd die if she goes,
His heart would love no other, no more
If he leaves her, tears would flow
She can't live without him, any more

One day it happened
He got sick
Turning his back for another
Love ceases
Her tears of pain
Were in vain
He's tired and just wanna
Walk away
Her heart was ripped
Shred to bits
Her knees on the floor
Begging him
But when love ends
Cruelty sets in
The petals bloom for another girl
Not she

Going through the days
Her soul withering
Abandoned by fate, forsaken by destiny
Who cares?
She opened her eyes
To face reality
Picking up her life to start anew
Forget him

So what is love
You tell me
He didn't die without her, but left her
He did

So what is love
I don't believe
She still lives on when he left
Didn't she?

Heaven on Sea: My Little Accident

Well, the stoopid accident was really no fault of anyone but my own.

It was raining very heavily in the early evening and got too dark to read. Feeling bored, I decided to entertain myself with Karaoke.

Big mistake.

It's as if all laws of Physics eluded me that particular moment. I had gone for a swim earlier that day - and was too lazy to change out of my damp clothes /bikini. Amidst the rumbling thunderstorm and the threatening lightning streaks that were slicing across the dark ominous sky, I actually mindlessly decided to sing.

The karaoke machine has to be powered by electricity right? I was holding on to the microphone, crooning to the songs in my wet clothes.

Everything happened so suddenly. Apparently there was this mega lightning, and before I knew it, I felt a shock running from my fingers right up to my neck.

Out of reflex, I flung away the microphone and my hand flew up to my neck to contain the pain. Eugene and Andy were shocked and quickly ran to my aid. I was immobilized for a full half hour because there was a sharp numbing pain in my neck.

Eugene later told me that my neck might have been affected because I was wearing a silver chain - and yes, metal + wet clothes + microphone connected to electricity = SUPERB CONDUCTOR! haha...... I must be suicidal.

Fortunately, after applying some hot towel treatments on my neck, I felt much better. Went off to sleep after that - probably "traumatized" by the shock.

And that's my little accident at the Kelong. Totally freaking bimbotic.

Quidamania

The feeling of waiting for something wonderful is especially exhilarating. Your heart yearns for the day to arrive, and when it does, there is this unexplainable rush through your blood which completely fills you with joy.

That's how I felt when I stood looking up where the magnificent Cirque du Soleil Big Top tent stood. Bright blue and yellow stripes splashed across the skyline, and the place was buzzling with kids, families, ang mohs, couples, and all sorts of people big and small.

I took in the postcard-perfect scene, and marvelled at the colours, the enchanting Cirque music piping in the blackground, and the colourful tents of different sizes spotting the landscape.

Waited for my friend for 20 mins! Darn - and I took a cab some more so that I wouldn't be late. Prices of the snacks there are horrendous. A bottle of mineral water costs $5! I could have bought 6 from Fairprice at the price of 80 cents each! Geez. Daylight robbery in a colourful "black" market.

Finally the girls came - Hanae and Cheryll. Hanae came with a friend called Michelle - who works in MINDEF as an admin assistant. Hanae is Cheryll's friend, a Japanese girl who got married recently to a funny Indian chap called Sham. Sometimes, Cheryll and myself will practice our jit-deh, jit-deh Japanese with her. I learnt two words yesterday - onaka suida desu (I am hungry) and and onaka ippai desu (I am full). :)

Speaking about MINDEF, I did consider joining them some time back. I am turned on by men in uniform and I always thought it will be such a divine fantasy to work among the guys from Air Force, Army and Navy. haha......

Sorry - I detracted. Anyway, coming back to Quidam, it was a great show. Like all Cirque's production, the acrobatics were stunning, the music stirring and the mood was magical.

I love watching people who work for their passion. The crew in Quidam put up their best efforts every time, for every performance, every day. Their execution of all stunts and acts are flawless, and have been mastered to perfection. I am awed and humbled just by looking at them - having a great time on stage, entertaining those who are below, and getting one hell of a support from those behind the scenes.

And when I see them dancing, running, twirling, flying and somersaulting all over the arena and the stage, I realise they must have put in their entire life, heart, soul, years of sweat, tears and pain and of course, unconditional love into this performance. This is their entire life. Their job. Their reason for existence. And this is what I call passion. Real Passion.

I came out of the show - not fully gratified however. Maybe that's because I was totally blown away by Alegria three years ago, and Quidam unfortunately paled in comparison. Alegria was more colourful, the stunts absolutely mind-blowing and the music was exquisitely sensational. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before and I was hoping Quidam would do the same for me. But somehow, when you have seen the best, everything else falls short.

Having said that, I want to reiterate that all Cirque's productions are really worth watching, not for anything else but for the people behind it who gave their all for this show to entertain. And for that, I salute and respect all of them with this photo blog of their wonderful performances.

Heaven on Sea: Part 2

Many of you must be wondering where I have disappeared to for my secret getaway.

I was at Sibu, Malaysia, soaking in the sun and the sea right in the middle of the ocean, up on a quaint authentic Kelong run by a group of young hot-blooded men – who named their fishing resort operations – HOT BOYS FISHING.

The Kelong is situated along the East Coast of Malaysia and is thus far away from any fault lines, earthquake zones and tsunami disasters. The Kelong itself has been around since 1990 which is a testament to its stability and safety. In fact, one of the young bosses told me that the best period to come would be the monsoon season, ‘cos that’s when you may be able to catch some of the best fishes!

My first fishing experience

Speaking about fishing, I for one have always thought of it as a very boring hobby. Expensive too as one has to invest in the fishing equipment, baits and all. I once joked to my friend that I have the best and cheapest hobby of all. Writing needs no other investment apart from your linguistic skills and a creative mind. All other hobbies require some form of investment – be it reading (books), singing (KTV), cycling (bike), swimming (trunks/bikini, goggles), photography (camera, prints) etc.

However, being at the kelong allows me to sample the experience of fishing, without having to fork out any money. Andy, the marketing manager at the kelong practically shoved the fishing rod to me when he heard that I have never ever fished in my entire life.

Holding the fishing rod right by the side of the kelong felt surreal. Andy helped me cast my first bait, taught me how to feel if a fish is tugging at it, and how to reel my catch in when that happens. It was quite an exhilarating and gratifying moment when I caught my very first cuttlefish. We caught two more that night.

The experience of fishing, was so simple but yet - so very extraordinary. It lingered on even after I left the place, forming unforgettable memories that I would cherished for as long as I lived.

Yummy Food!

The second day, I have my fill of mouthwatering food: Sambal sting ray, fried fish (fresh from the sea!), chicken curry, stir fry vegetables, eggs, soup and fried bee hoon. Besides fishing, reading and chatting with the staff, I have been eating non-stop ‘cos that's basically what a kelong retreat offers! I hope I have not put on any more fats around the waist!

Royal Treatment

One thing that truly touches me about the kelong is the staff. Knowing I was there by myself, they spent lots of time chatting with me, engaging me in fishing and telling me funny stories about the kelong. I have not laughed so hard in a long time.

Besides Andy, the young Kelong boss Eugene, was especially warm and hospitable. He made me feel like a Princess throughout my vacation – making sure that I eat, that I am having fun, and that I am not left alone.

He was concerned that I would feel bored - and would rope me in whenever they were playing mahjong or singing karaoke. He even took me out swimming with all the other guests at a private beach. The great thing about this is that only guests from Eugene’s kelong get to enjoy the beach because it is exclusively owned by Hot Boys Fishing. Privacy guaranteed!

I spent 4 hours sun-tanning and reading the Da Vinci Code at the kelong yesterday morning. The air was extremely crisp and fresh when I woke up at 7.30am. With the breeze stroking my hair, and the warm sun on my skin, I completed at least 30 chapters of the book! I hardly have time to do something like this – and the simplicity of it all made this moment an extremely special form of luxury.

Well, maybe you think I am bias right? So why don’t you read what other people have to say at this forum: http://www.fishingkaki.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3819

Boring? Definitely NOT!

The tranquility of being at a kelong right out in the middle of the sea would be the best reason to be here – because it gives you all the time in the world to chill out and get away from all the irritating hustle and bustle of city life.

But if you are the restless kind, and feel that you would not be able to just read and fish, then Hot Boys Fishing has set up other kinds of facilities that can help you while your time. Just so you know, including Hot Boys, there are a total of four kelongs in that vicinity. Other than the adventure and experience of rustic living, Hot Boys Fishing is the ONLY one that offers a variety of other facilities to keep their guests totally entertained.

FREE Activities

· Fishing @Kelong (guaranteed catch!)
· Swimming (at the private beach)
· Mahjong and Card Games
· Carom Board Game
· Cable TV with a full range of channels
· Island Hopping / Swimming
· Beach soccer / Volleyball

PAID Activities

· Karaoke by the sea in a private room with a computerized system containing 10,000 songs! - RM15 / Hour
· Pool Table - RM15 / Hour
· Play Station - RM5 / Hour
· BBQ (one week notice required) – RM25 / head
· Canoeing (seasonal)
· Snorkeling (seasonal)
· Boat Fishing (maximum of 7 persons per boat) – RM80 / Hour

Sounds fun?? You bet!

If you are on a shoestring budget, then try this unique getaway for less than S$100. Here’s how.

What’s the price tag?

2 days I Night Kelong Getaway

Adults – S$71 (inclusive of S$2 jetty entrance fee)
Extension – S$38 per night
Children – S$38 (regardless of how many nights they stay)

You will get:
· Lodging;
· Meals – 5 meals a day, namely basic breakfast, fresh seafood lunch; fresh seafood dinner and simple supper;
· Jetty entrance fees;
· All sea transport
· Free flow ice and sotong bait;
· Free flow coffee, tea and water; and
· All of the “Kelong Activities” mentioned above which are free of charge!

** Please note that a 50% deposit is payable on confirmation of your booking.

How do I get there?

Land transport to Hot Boys Fishing Kelong is provided by their third-party transport vendor, and subject to availability.
· Private Car – up to 3 pax @ S$135 per car
· Minibus – up to 10 pax @ S$270 per bus
· Minibus – up to 12 pax @ S$320 per bus
· Coach – up to 42 pax @ S$850 per coach

The abovementioned prices are for 2-way travel. The transport can pick you up from any location in Singapore and send you back thereafter! How convenient right?

Driving?

Should you wish to drive up on your own, the route is straight forward and easy. Hot Boys Fishing offers its own private car park, complete with security gantry, parking space and guards on 24-hour patrol. Ask Hot Boys Fishing for directions and map!

Details to Note

You should try to reach Tanjung Lehman Jetty by 9.30a.m. Which means – you have to get all your lazy asses out of Singapore around 6.30am, taking into consideration the causeway jam and traveling time of about 2 to 2.5 hours.

The kelong is a 25-minute ride from the jetty. Personally, I love the bumboat ride because you can really soak in the panoramic view of the vast ocean and let the cool icy breeze massage your face and hair. Super turn on, I must say...... Haha...

Who do you call?

Hot Boys Fishing la, not Ghostbusters!

Just in case you wanna go there on your own for a secret rendezvous, you can contact Hot Boys Fishing at:

Phone: 98803436

Email: hotboys@kelongfishing.com

Website: http://www.kelongfishing.com/ (Some of the info has not been updated yet. My blog is the most updated – at this point in time! :P)

Online booking: http://wilkit/kelongform



Kelong Getaway anyone?

So – after reading all that wonderful stuff that I have written above, are you guys itching to go already? Maybe I should organize a Bloggers’ Kelong Getaway next weekend!

Well, drop me a note and let me know if you are keen. If we can round up 10 people, here’s how much it will cost per person:

2 days 1 Night Bloggers’ Kelong Getaway for S$98 ONLY

S$71 + S$27 (transport: $270/10 pax) = S$98

A holiday for less than $100, as promised! If you would like to extend one more night, it’s only going to cost you a total of S$136 (extension at only S$38 per night)!

Meanwhile, watch this space for my story on the little accident I had @the Kelong.

…to be continued

Where Have I Been?

Many friends and readers of this blog have been asking this question. I've received many requests to re-open Hotel Solace. I have somehow created a cult following of fans - who has an insatiable appetite to know more about my life and my stories, without knowing it at all. I must be doing something right...

Took a break to relook at my life. myself. my friends. my doings and undoings. Over the last few weeks, I've heard many things. I've seen many things. I've done something.

With each experience, I've grown even more weary. Just in case you are wondering, I am not depressed. Neither am I emotional. I am just - tired. I am exhausted by work. I am drained by my family. I am burdened by friends' tragic stories. Most of all, I am disappointed by people.

I have been staying out late because I could not find the solace that I need at home. This week alone, I went home around 5a.m. for three consecutive days. I seem to take comfort in surrounding myself with people who make me laugh. Laughing is pure medication for the soul. It lifts me up, and toxins are purged through the laughter and the smiles.

Somehow, I still find it hard to blog today. But for everyone's sake, I shall try. However, this will be a really special blog. It ain't gonna make sense. For the first time since I started blogging, I have no idea what I wanted to write about. So I am just going to list down random thoughts that are swirling in my mind right now - because many many things have happened since the last time I blog, and I cannot explain everything.

For those who know me, it will make sense to you. For those who don't, maybe one day - you will know too, if you stay long enough that is.

Random Thoughts

1. "I like you, but I don't want you." Que Sara Sara. Ditto.

2. I cannot give us a chance. I cannot give you a chance. I don't think all men are scumbags. Fundamentally, we are already incompatible. I will never convert and could never reciprocate.

3. You won't be back till March 2006. That means no Christmas, birthday or New Year celebrations. I can't call you. You hardly write anymore. You are leaving for London in Oct. I think - this is really the end.

4. Thank you for the lovely blue roses and lilies. The crystal vases are absolutely gorgeous. They really resonate clearly - like you said they would. Thank you too for just being there.

5. I read your blog, girl. Men call girls "sweetie", "dearie", "love", "sweethearts", "darling" all the time. Most of the time, they use it to replace your name (which they probably cannot remember) so that it will sound like music to your ears. In short, they don't mean anything.

6. Mary Ann, Laura and Karyn. Welcome to our club. Hope to see you babes next week. :)

7. Many of you may not know, I truly love hugs and kisses. It's my Archilles' heel. And if I get hugged from the back, I'd melt.

8. My sleeping pills are running low. So is my libido.

9. Stress creates geniuses. I am highly stressed.

10. Time is Money. Money is the root of all evil. So Time is pure evil.
That's why I always have to find ways to kill it.

11. I'd lost count how many people have told me I've got a beautiful and lovely smile. I guess I should smile more because that's about the only asset I have.

The Randomness shall stop here. Can't go on...for sleep has come.

Good night my friends.

Heaven on Sea: Part 1

The view from the bumboat is breathtaking. The vast sea stretched endlessly over the expanse of the horizon and beyond, like yards and yards of silky blue linen. The water bubbled under the boat in mini frothy waves, as it chugged faithfully towards the rustic fishing resort on wooden stilts.

My heart quickened in anticipation as the structure loomed into view. This is the first time in my life that I have ever been to a kelong.

I could hardly contain my excitement as I stepped onto this no frills yet complicated infrastructure. The wooden planks creaked under my feet as I explored the authentic resort. Double-decked beds wrapped in bright colours of orange, yellow and blue bed sheets dotted the main dormitory. Plain round tables were spread out near the dining area for yummy meal times. Up against the wall is a small counter selling fishing hooks, sinkers and other fishing accessories – for those who wanna try their hand at fishing. How absolutely quaint!

Towards the far end on the left is a simple kitchen, its shelves decked with spices and seasoning of sorts, as well as all kinds of raw food which will eventually end up as piping hot food once the cook is through with them. If a guest manages to catch something from the sea during the day, the cook will even help to conjure a nice little meal out of their prized catch. Yes, it’s indeed as fresh as it gets.

As the sun began to retire into the horizon, a dark black cloak stealthily shrouded the entire sky, slowly erasing all traces of light. Almost instantly, the sea was transformed into one big mass of ebony liquid. Small lights from the neighboring kelongs speckled like silver jewels in the distance, creating a picture-perfect view.

Dinner was served – and boy, I was not expecting a feast on an isolated kelong like this. We had fried eggs, breaded prawns, stir fry vegetables, fresh steamed fish from the day’s catch, bean sprouts with salted fish and a huge bowl of soup. The spread was even more lavish than what I usually eat at home – and it’s quite mouthwatering I must say!

I spent an hour reading The Da Vinci Code on my chosen bed, which is tucked away in a cozy private corner of the dormitory. Dan Brown is quite a writer. I could hardly tear myself away from the book.

As I wasn’t really that fanatic about fishing – I decided to snoop around the kelong for a quiet spot. All I wanted to do was to sit by the edge of the platform with my laptop, giving free reign to my thoughts as I typed out this entry with my MP3s playing in the background.

The much-needed solitude, the gentle cooling breeze from the sea and the stars winking mischievously from above – came flawlessly together to provide the perfect relaxing time out for me.

Even the rhythmic lapping of the waves was amazingly therapeutic – as I sat swinging my legs by the edge of the kelong, looking out towards the sea.

Yes, I am shamelessly loving every single moment of this natural indulgence – many miles away from the highly strung city life. Out here in the middle of the ocean, you are almost totally cut off from civilization.

And that’s the intrinsic beauty of it all.



......to be continued

DECONSTRUCTION

THIS PAGE IS CURRENTLY UNDER DECONSTRUCTION.

It’s been a while since I took a break.
Thanks for staying with my blog and coming this far.

For those who stayed with me, rooted for me, and did not leave me to my own devices, I thank you - for not letting me rot by myself. Your words, time, support and encouragement were invaluable.

Herbie, Syphon, Fireborn, Bee, Matilda, Isabel, Jade Falcon. Thanks for staying by me all the way, in both good and bad times. My days and nights have been so much more bearable because you were here.

As for the others who are waiting for me to 'recover' before they could talk to or spend time with me, thanks for being there during the good times. Thanks also for showing me how far you can retreat during the bad ones. Retreated you have, and there you shall stay. The door to Hotel Solace shut behind you the day I was left behind, alone to sort myself out.

For those who stuck around - till we meet again, smile and be happy. :)

Who I Am In Your Eyes

Yen told me an interesting thing last night. Apparently, there was an article in this month's issue of Her World, where a guy claims that sweet girls make him diabetic. He added that in a recent research, for Singaporean men, "sweet and demure" top their Most Wanted list for girls.

I think I know why. The sweet and demure girl somehow never fails to melt your heart, with that vulnerability in their eyes, their smile, their words, their actions and most importantly, their saccharine sweet looks.

I have a girlfriend who's exactly like that. Everything from her looks to her voice, from her giggles to her words, from her behaviour to her personality, from her dressing to her nail colour, every part of her screams "SWEET & DEMURE". At one of our Social Networking Nights, out of a group of 5 guys who met her for the first time, 3 were completely swooning over her.

Knowing I could never be sweet and demure, I hence decided to embark on a little survey, with a completely unrepresentative sample size.

So, in my pursuit of uncovering the awful truth, I cannot help but wonder - what do guys really think about me?

Without disclosing the identities of those who took part in this li'l survey, here's what I found out about myself:

(1) Melancholic
(2) Opinionated
(3) Strong willed
(4) Sensitive
(5) Emotional
(6) Expressive
(7) Loving
(8) Sweet
(9) Attractive
(10) Magnetic
(11) Comfy (I was told that I exude comfort; very comfortable to be with)
(12) Caring
(13) Cheerful
(14) Hardworking
(15) Carefree
(16) Friendly

Some others pointed out other traits of mine - such as: Stubborn, Ambitious, Sensual, Intense, Loyal, Confident and yes, not forgetting FUNNY.

Somehow I feel they use those lovely words above because they are simply too sweet to me tell the brutal truth about myself. Put the above traits together, you may actually get a very desirable woman! But that is so far from the truth, painted by such poignant words from very forgiving friends.

I do appreciate all these beautiful and politcally correct comments. I am sure there are more, and if you want to contribute to the infamous list above, let me know. I will put it up and ponder over it. I am not even totally sure that those attributes mentioned above belong to me. As much as they can boost one's self-esteem, they also made me wonder if I really do exhibit these traits - consciously or otherwise.

Hence, I searched my soul once again for an answer, looking into the depths of my heart.

No answer lies there.

Heartbreak Hotel

If every year is an episode from a sitcom, 2006 for me would be titled "Hurting Men".

I have no idea why it is so, but in a span of 8 months, I met 3 of such men. Has the Lord send them my way for a reason, a season or a lifetime? What was the purpose of placing me in their paths - to be a friend in need, a listening ear, or a passing cloud? Or maybe, a solace-filled resting stop?

James was first in line. He's got 4 girlfriends, who left him for one of two reasons. It's either his job, or for some other men. The last one was a single parent with a kid. He was with her for 5 years, gave her all his time and heart, took care of her kid and loved him like his own. She dumped him for an Aussie and totally crushed him inside out. When I met him, he was still reeling from the pain. I could only provide a listening ear, and a place for him to rest and heal without having to feel obligated to me. And so I did, before he checked out for Qatar.

Then I met Ronin. I call him an educated Ah-Beng. He's so not your sensitive new age guy like James. He's gruff, he's nonchalant, he's got a whole slew of Hokkien profanities in his vocabulary. But he also speaks very well, is effectively bilingual and has a kind heart. He's funny too, but beneath all that, his hurt ran so deep that he became totally non-commital to anyone. He came home from work one day, and saw his best friend and his girl friend making out in his house, in his bedroom, on his bed. Triple betrayal. What can I say? Ronin, unlike James, hardly confides. He puts on this air of nonchalance, and takes life each day as it comes. He does not need love nor a listening ear. He just wants company. And he found Hotel Solace in me - checking in and out whenever he pleases, for a good laugh or a simple dinner.

Hotel Solace received a 3rd guest recently. Danny checked in many months ago, with baggages loaded with issues. The struggles rendered him hopeless, and he checked out the day after, dragging with him the burdens that he came with and did not appear again until a few weeks ago. He faced similar issues as the two men above, and needed to take a vacation, but Hotel Solace proved to be quite a challenge for him. Or so he claims. Why? Because I am Hotel Solace, and in this case, it would be easier for him to rise beyond his problems if I was just a passing cloud. Checking in for a second time, his suitcase seems lighter. But I've got a feeling - a hunch, that his issues are yet to be fully resolved. I can feel his angst beneath his tough exterior, and the hopelessness in his smile. Somehow I know, that those issues are merely swept under an expensive pool table. But if that is his form of closure, who am I to question?

I will just be the friend in need, standing by the reception counter - for him and all other hurting men that the Lord has placed in my life. Why? Like I said before - I have no idea.

Fairytale

I love Faeries. They exude a sense of peace, and are always surrounded by an unseen aura of sensuality and serenity. An epitome of beauty - and silent strength.

At times, I feel like the faerie in the picture above. My wings are tired from flying. My soul weary, my spirit ebbing away and I feel naked and pained. I want a resting place, even if it meant perching on top of a toadstool. The resting place is not as important as the act of resting itself.

Then there are times I feel spirited, my wings spread to take on the world. I can soar above all heights. I feel the winds beneath my wings and the moonlight on my back, lifting me higher and taking me further and further away from everything that is holding me back.

Faeries usually hang out in the woods, far away from the sight of men. Which is not a surprise, considering how we corrupt the world.

I felt cold, but the moon showered warmth tenderly over me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I was trying to heal, but the wounds no longer hurt. I almost wish I could live my life again, but i have no regrets.

And like the faerie, I am hiding in the enchanting woods right now, basking in sweet solitude - and waiting to hear the songs of the trees.

American Soap

I was chatting with a guy 8 years my junior recently - about relationships and stuff. He was lamenting about how he feels stifled when his girlfriend gets upset whenever he spends time with his pals.

I stopped at that point to take stock of myself. Have I ever been like that to my ex-boyfriend (s)? Was I possessive? When will we ever learn to love someone for who they are instead of trying to change them the moment we become a couple?

My friends asked if I am going to get myself a date soon. Having been single after a heartwrenching breakup four years ago, I could not bring myself to answer. Not that I have the answer anyway.

I expressed my concerns about relationships. I felt that I have wasted my time on that relationship four years ago - because it ended anyway despite all the time, efforts and feelings that I've so painstakingly invested. His view however, was that if one has not invested 100% feelings into a relationship, it will be doomed for failure right from day one.

The thing is, for me, investing 100% in a relationship may not necessary yield satisfactory returns. Like any other investments, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes, as in my case, you lose heavily. But unlike money, you cannot earn those feelings back. Once they have been invested, they're probably gone forever once that relationship ends.

My cynicism on ever finding any true relationship which I can invest 100% of my love is further heightened by the fact that I have many friends who were cheating on their partners. I cannot help but wonder - if love is what completes a person, why is it a worthy investment for some, and a losing bet for others?

Didn't these people marry out of love? Didn't they vow till death do us part? Life as one entity has barely begun and they were already starting to contemplate the "D" word.

On the front, they seemed like the perfect couple - which I always felt only exist in Hollywood movies and fairytales. But like a scene from The O.C. and Desperate Housewives combined, things are not always what they seemed.

I guess that's why I am still single. :)

Giggles of the Day

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

I Should Be So Happy

I usually like to pride myself for being an optimistic pessismist. I am pessismistic by nature - but have over the years learn to take things lightly, laugh over my mistakes, make a fool of myself to make my friends laugh and to just enjoy life each and every day - no matter how hard life has been to me.

I have also learnt that the most effective way to stay contented and happy even though you are down in the doldrums is to praise the Lord all the time, for everything that's happening in my life. That way, even when I am having an extremely trying day, I am still grateful.

Hence, over the years, I've developed some Rena's "life philosophies".

1. Don't let anyone who does not mean anything to you bring you down. Hence, I would only feel hurt if someone dear to me let me down - i.e. close friends, family, boyfriend etc. Any other extras who fall outside of this category can do whatever they want to me, I will just refuse to accord them the power to hurt me. The more they try, the more I shut them out.

2. There's no such thing as a bad day. Bad days to me, are actually "character building" days. So if I'm going through a rough patch today, it's definitely a character building day. Lord works in His ways to polish and refine me to something better.

3. Alcohol and cigarettes are depressants. Music and friends are spirit boosters. Pick your poison.

4. When you feel extremely depressed and discouraged, remember that there will always be someone who's ten times worse off than you. Life still goes on for them, so why not you?

5. Courage is not a lack of fear. It is the act of facing up to your problems even in the presence of fear. Be positive about yourself - what do you have to lose anyway?

I can probably go on and on to create an ala David Letterman's Top 10s. But you probably got the gist. Life is short - so work smart, play hard and count your blessings more than your misfortunes. You will soon discover more reasons to smile...

Thank You For The Music

Music is a great healer. Not only is it hailed as a universal language (next to sex), it is an amazing antidote to many life's challenges.

When I wanna express how much my girl friends mean to me, Michael W Smith serenaded me with an apt rendition of Friends.

The day my ex walked away from my life, I cried to the beautiful sounds of Expose - I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.

When the going gets rough, I was comforted by Hacken Lee's upbeat Canto pop Red Sun.

My pent-up angst and frustration was released as I screamed through Linkin' Park's In The End.

I Will Survive brought me out of days filled with frustration and agony.

And no matter what happens, Over The Rainbow will always calm my edgy soul.

There is always a song for any chapter in my life. The good times and the bad ones. Music has been an integral part of who I am - because it speaks volumes of feelings that I cannot otherwise express, and tales which I can never tell anyone.

Music describes my emotions, my moods, my sufferings, my joys and whatever I was going through at a point in time. I feel moved, understood, loved and comforted - and a mixed bag of other feelings all at the same time, and words cannot describe how music has healed me over the years when I was struggling, grappling and gasping - for a less painful life.

All I can say is - Thank you for the music.

My Secret Sanctuary

If there's anything that I love doing more in the world than sleeping, it would have to be writing.

A writer, like any other person with artistic abilities, is temperamental. Eccentric. Creative. Highly emotional. Sensitive.

These are the qualities that I can live with. Because I love to create something out of nothing.

Spin a fairytale where I can escape into and live happily ever after.

Pen a poem when I am inspired, or when words elude me verbally.

Write a masterpiece to influence the lives of some - and touch the hearts of others.

Vent my feelings and let the emotions flow so that I may be released from the complex thoughts that are constantly plaguing whatever's left of my mind.

I write because the words in print mean that my inner most secrets and treasures can be immortalized in a physical form.

I write because I cannot suppress an outburst of my ideas. I write because people, things and events around me inspire me.

I write because I feel and because I emphatize.

I write because I have been touched, and because I am grateful.

I write because I am filled with love, or otherwise drowned in sadness.

I write because I can affect you, or because you've made an impact in my life.

I write because I can and because I want to. Read my writings and hope they'll inspire you. Welcome to my secret sanctuary - The Starlite Cafe.

Faith In The First Degree

I read an article on the Spirit of Faith. Faith, according to the Scripture,...is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses] (Hebrews 11:1).

I think this is a very powerful message. How many times, I wonder, have I allow my faith to dwindle every time I face an obstacle in life? Did I give up? Did I perservere? When I gave up, was it with an open heart or was I embittered?

It's never easy to have faith when you are down and out, broken and hurt, discouraged and disappointed. But I do believe that faith restores a person, and it's really up to us how we can perpetuate this into our lives - no matter how rough the going is.

The article pointed out the tremendous importance of not only believing God's Word, but also speaking God's Word. The type of words we speak determines the type of power that influences our lives!

What many people did not realise that by speaking and repeating negative words of discouragement, despair, defeat, and the like, we get into agreement with the devil and open the door for him to produce the very conditions of the words we are speaking.

But when we consistently and persistently speak the promises of God, we get into agreement with Him and open the door for His promises to become reality.

"We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak." - 2 Corinthians 4:13

If you are feeling lost, down, and totally worthless at this point in time, I hope this poem of mine can be of help. If it touches you, drop me a comment. :)

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."

BELIEVE

Believe that Love heals everything
And takes away all pain
Believe that Grace has been given
So that we can live again

Believe that Hope keeps you going
Whenever you feel low
Believe that Faith will take you there
‘Cause in your heart it grows

Believe that Peace is bestowed upon you
To give your soul some rest
Believe that Joy is yours forever
So live life to the best

Believe that people happen for a reason
Some to make your life complete
Believe that the Lord is near always
And He knows just what you need

© 2005 Rena Tan. All rights reserved.

Vitamin "V"

It's been a super hectic week. I have been given a new portfolio at work - and since Monday - I have been working my fleshy ass off. But the work's really exciting, and I cannot wait to start on the projects that I have been tasked to do. From movie premieres, to concerts, from award shows to branded parties such as ZoukOut and Ibiza, I can envision lots of adrenaline-pumping events ahead!

But of course, that new portfolio comes with a new formula.
More work = Sleep deprivation x more severe insomnia + more sleeping pills.

Valium has become my daily dose of vitamin. I seriously need to sleep more.

Which I will be doing today, so my blog will be short and sweet. From tomorrow onwards, I will be transferring all my past ravings from an old blog to this one. Why would one need two blogs anyway? Might as well show all aspects of moi in one secret sanctuary.

By the way, I love great people like C.S Lewis, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller and many significant others - simply because they all have one thing in common. They have the ability to dish out life's little idiosyncracises in the simplest form - many of which can keep me wide awake at night sometimes.

Here's a cute little sample "parting shot" for you to mull over before I return soon with more of my life's saga.

"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends." - Benjamin Franklin

Testosterone Overdose

Friday night. August 12, 2005.

I was awfully sloshed that night. It's been a year since I organized such a large party.

The last time I drank myself silly was my farewell party when I decided to leave MTV. Alan from Shin Bar kept the drinks coming and we were swimming in mixers, shots, tequillas, martinis etc. I was in such high spirits that the moment I got home, I heaved my foot up into the kitchen sink with the intention of washing it there. That should be the highlight of my mundane life.

Friday night was equally memorable. The party @Barnone was initially hinged on one great purpose. I planned to introduce a pretty single babe friend of mine, to an equally charming guy buddy. But it would be awkward if there were only three of us. So I started inviting some guys and my regular group of single babe friends (which I may introduce in another blog soon!). The guys started bringing friends and all hell broke loose.

From an initial group of 7 guys and gals, the party exploded to a party of 11 guys and 6 girls. How did that happen - I seriously don't have a clue. But I must admit, it was one great party with all that testosterone swirling around us girls.

The guys' hitlist includes:
1. Roy (my MSN friend) with his three friends, Kevin, Winston and Steven
2. Gary (my fav male buddy!!) and friend Justin
3. David (a marketing partner) and friend Kim Min
4. Jin (my colleague from Nighspots dept - he got us the table at Barnone) and Jeffery (whose last day at STB was that Fri)
5. William - Jin's friend
6. Jack (my closest male buddy)
7. Joshua (someone who's been hanging out at my Exclusive Singles Babe Club in recent weeks. Lucky bugger!)

I was quite amused by this interesting mix of men. One guy spent the whole night tucking himself into the corner of the wall, obviously shy with all the girls around. Another bloke was so caught up with some big business - busy sms-ing throughout the night to some imaginary hot chick. The rest of the predators were milling around the girls, chatting them up, offering drinks, and shaking their butts to the music of Douglas O.

Yes. It's one wild party MINUS the orgies. Plus a little drama thrown in as well for good measure, but I won't be recounting that because it's not meant for public consumption. :P

So being the hostess and 'mamasan', I flitted around performing my duties of introducing everyone, drinking as I go along. Whiskeys, red wine, shots, beers - they somehow found their way into my glass. Before I knew it, my knees went weak. And yes, that very night, I adorned the beautiful marble floor tiles of Marriott Hotel lobby with a beautiful, reddish puke pattern. Quite ingenious I must say.

My friends told me later that they totally enjoyed this "singles" night out. I may seriously consider doing a few more of such "Singles NetPartying Sessions".

And maybe this time, I might learn to stay sober.

No Laughing Matter

A strange phenomenon has been happening to me, and has become more pronounced in the last couple of months.

In recent times, I realised that most guys I hang out with for the first time, would come to a natural conclusion about me by the end of the date. For the umpteenth time, including tonight, I hear a guy say to me,"You are funny. You make me laugh."

"You make me laugh?" What kind of comment is that? What am I? Jerry Seinfeld reincarnate? Do I look like a walking joke dispensing machine?

The guy went on to say it was amazing that I wasn't attached. I asked why. He claimed that many guys would love to be with a girl like me, someone who brightens up their day and make them laugh.

Sorry dude - I seriously beg to differ. Which girl in the right mind would be flattered by the comment "You make me laugh"? Since when is it more desirable than "You make my heart flutter?"; "You make me melt" or even something as simple as, "You are very sweet".

Gone were the days when men say that to me. Now I am like a clown to them. I told the guy that when men make women laugh, women fall for them because they think the guy is witty, funny, and can see life in a lighter vein. It puts women at ease.

When women make men laugh, men see them as a great girl buddy to "hang out" with. Someone who they can talk cock to, openly crack dirty jokes, gossip and laugh heartily - knowing that the girl would not be put off. So which men would seriously start seeing me as a romantic interest if all they feel about me is that I make them laugh??

So tragic. I am so in deep shit. No wonder I am so very single. Now that we have demystified everything - why am I not feeling any better?

Why Me?

If I had set up a practice listening to people with relationship problems, I would have been a millionaire by now.

I seem to be a magnet for these people. I wonder why? Is it because I have a problem with relationships myself? Or maybe, I exude that aura of being a guru in relationships? But if I am really that "experienced" to warrant a steady stream of heartbroken souls seeking my advice, why do my own relationships fail?

Maybe that's the REAL answer. I keep failing in relationships so that I can garner enough pain and heartaches to help people through theirs.

But somehow I come to realise that more often than not, people come to me not because they really needed help. Very often, most people with relationship problems already know the answer to what they need to do. They just want someone to verbalize it for them. And I so happen to be universally recognized as the VERBALIZER.


Many times I feel helpless. Time and again I see my friends walking towards the edge of a cliff, and before they leap into a hopeless love abyzz, they want to hear what I have to say. I am usually brutally blunt, and painfully honest. After they've heard what I feel they already know, they went ahead and jump anyway.

Why is it when I say that a guy is not good for you, he's an asshole, he's a player, he will hurt you - and all of you know it, but you still allow yourself to sink deeper into it anyway? I really wonder what value add does a verbalizer like myself bring to the table.

I can list down all the strategies and mind games that the men are playing with my girlfriends; I can accurately articulate their fears and their desires; I am able to predict the outcome and forewarn them of the consequences, armed with evidence of all the danger and warning signals. And yet, after all that halabuloo, the victims continue to allow themselves to be tortured endlessly by the love that they seek.

They come to me in pain. I comfort them and offer them good solid advice. I tell them the truth and paint them the reality. They see the light --- and then they dive headlong back into the dark side. WHY?

What do they get out of confiding in me anyway? And where do all my opinions and viewpoints end up in if they do not play a part in influencing their decisions? And why do I keep doing this if the conclusion is always the same?

I really wonder.

My new TOYS!

I have been terribly sick for the last few days. Urinary tract infection, high fever, flu, splitting migraine, and a parching sore throat.

Went to see a second doc at Raffles Medical Group @Causeway Pt....and got MORE medication. I am now basically a walking medicine cabinet. Feeling frustrated, I walked over to the Samsung store. I have always wanted to change my mobile phone...it's been acting up and I can hardly hear my calls. And I think I am the only one left on the face of this earth without a camera phone.



Fell in love with the E730 at first sight. Its sleek ebony cover beckons to me - and fits snugly into my palm. Without a second thought, I traded in my cranky Motorola for it and topped up $550 for this beauty. Quite a hefty investment, but nevertheless... I think it's extremely worth it. Yes my dear friends, I would rather spend all my savings on techie stuff than an LV bag - that's the gadget geek in me.




My new toy comes with an mp3 player, a FM radio, a 1.3 megapixel camera (check out the photo below that I took in my sickly state!) and many other super duper cool functions.

Then the sales assistant whipped out a stack of about 50 mini-perforated lucky draw cards. Top prize was a Samsung laptop. I was like so cynical - one will usually get a "Thank you for your participation" kind of response, so I was quite nonchalant when I drew my "lucky" card. Lo and behold! Turned out that I won a Samsung P250K super slim DVD player!

I mean - how blessed can I be? I have always wanted to buy a DVD player for my room last month, but decided against it because I needed the money for the new phone. All I know is that the Lord's generosity has no boundaries and no words can express my surprise and utmost gratitude!

Matt 6:8: For your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings...... I may be poor, but I am super rich in the Lord! :P

Anonymous

James has only been gone for four days, but it seemed like four years.

We both know that any relationship between us now is impossible, and we both know that we have to move on.... because none of us can guarantee what the future holds.

So there goes one of the rarest relationship I ever had in my entire life. One that started and ended on the same day. Someone who needs me, but does not want me. Yet? Or maybe ever. No one knows. As of last night, I learnt that he may not come back after all.

So I am back into the dating game. How tiresome. My friends keep setting me up with guys - whom I could never click with. I don't even know why. All I wanna do is curl up with a gripping novel, a glass of iced cranberry juice, some great jazz music playing in the background - and do some serious reading on my soft comfy bed.

Or I could start blogging regularly - and start updating other parts of my life besides James, the foregone conclusion. Since we are on this topic of blogging, I begun to realise in recent weeks that I have received many anonymous comments. One from a girl, two from guys. I kinda know who they are - especially one who particularly likes to leave his "holier than thou" comments. He thinks he knows what he is talking about, but he's got more serious issues that he does not know of. So he's projecting them onto me - and I really wish he would get over it.

But enough about this boy. Enough said.

I don't mind anonymous comments really. But I find it funny that people leave anonymous comments thinking I do not know where they are from, or who they are. I do know, but I choose not to make a fuss out of it. All I can say is - well, thanks for reading my blog people.

If you ever have the courage to face me, do leave your name and contact number behind. Or at the very least, allow me to email you back -- to thank you for the time and effort that you take to read this load of shit. :)

Have a sensational day.

The Sunday That Changed Everything

It's been more than two weeks since my last entry. I couldn't believe it myself, but I was spending time with James almost every day.

It started from the day I've decided to let go of everything and anything to do with this guy. It's too painful to like someone and not have him, so I guess it's better to give it up than hold on to a hopeless relationship, friendship - whatver he may call it.

I deleted his handphone number. I deleted all his emails. I practically removed any possible channels of reaching this guy, because I know if I don't do that, I will keep contacting him. It's like I needed to be totally cut-off - so that I can be rid of this senseless addiction.

Anyway I was really tired. I was the one who always took the initiative to message him or call him. It seemed that he never felt the need to do the same for me. I guess after a while, I get tired for being taken for granted. So I decided to stop myself from losing my dignity completely. No friendship or relationship should ever be a one-way traffic.

Sunday came and went. I surrounded myself with friends and activities and got home around 12am. There were no messages or calls from him the entire day. My heart sank. This is it. It's a good thing I chose to gave up, cos this guy completely has no place for me in his heart.

12.05am. A message came through. It was him. He told me he had been thinking about me. I was caught off guard, cos I always thought he never cared. We talked, and cleared the air. And since then, we met up every day for lunch, even the day before he left for Qatar.

Those dates were memorable and very beautiful. He bared his heart and feelings in those 2 weeks like never before, as if he had been bottling them up since the day we met.

I knew he had to go. I knew he could not give me any promises. I knew he may not come back so soon. But I also know I have a place in his heart. And I guess that's good enough for me - for now.

The Purging Ritual

I woke up feeling groggy. Must be the sleeping pills I took last night to help me get to sleep.

But I can feel it in the air. It would be a great day today. After an irrational, moody evening yesterday, and a purging of frustrations through my tears, I felt --- cleansed. It was as if I have finally managed to put down those awfully heavy bricks that I have been carrying in my heart for the last two weeks.

Today I felt light. And I felt the chains break away, releasing me from bondage. Sabrina's MSN message struck me -- "We should learn to let go of the things we fear of losing." How very apt and timely.

My friends thought that I was feeling blue over a relationship. Actually, I wasn't. Many times my depression was not a result of ONE event. I don't blame them for not being able to understand. A complex person like myself has multiple layers, and each layer is more difficult to decipher than the next.

It was not about the person anymore. Even the person himself misunderstood that I was holding on because I fell too hard and too fast. I had to explain, but then again, I realised maybe like all others, they hear me, but they do not listen. And even if they do, they would not be able to comprehend the depth of my emotions and how my mind works. I am probably a schizophrenia.

And hence I proceed to elevate myself out of the rut, because I knew no one could help me ever. Like shares in the stock market, I will allow myself to plunge into the lowest possible point, so that the only other way after that would be up.

And that's why the ordinary people would not be able understand the form of my depression.

It encompassed my state of mind then. Plus the events that surrounds it, the past that binds it, the future that inhibits it, and the present that amplifies it. Every time I get blue, it will never be about just one person, one thing, one event - but rather, it will be about the life I am leading, in relation to that person/thing/event. My life looms larger than anything else and takes precedent over every other issue.

Last night was the turning point for those emotional shares. It can only go up today - and I am feeling detached already. Sometimes I amaze myself for being able to feel so passionately one day, and totally cold the next. And the people around me cannot understand the transformation. They just could not believe that it is possible to switch emotions like that.

I could only laugh.

Like what the people at Adidas say, "Impossible is nothing."

It looks to be a wonderful day, and yes, I am so going to enjoy my weekend. :)

The Road Less Travelled...

...is often one that is fraught with obstacles, challenges, dangers and many unforeseen circumstances that may arise when you are on the path. It is also one that is lonely, even in the brightness of the day. It may even be one that takes a much longer time than any other roads.

I feel an urge to liken my life to the road less travelled. My girlfriend joked once that my life is a series of unfortunate events, very much like what Lemony Snickets would love to write about.

I earned my first salary when I was 12. When most of my friends were enjoying the school and public holidays, I would be working the 10-hour shift for my next school fees.

All my close friends got their degrees right after JC/poly. I waited 7 years to start mine because I needed to save for it.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14, and had countless of relationships after that, none of which were fruitful till this very day. My closest girlfriends had no more than 3 relationships and were now happily married with kids.

I know of girls who married their first loves, just like it happens in fairytales. Peers who never have to worry about making ends meet. Friends who have warm, happy family gatherings many times a year to look forward to.

And through it all, I saw that I was standing on the road less travelled. I am alone. The days are bleak and awfully long, and the nights are damp and cold. I see many huge boulders in the way. Gigantic fallen trees. Rotting logs. Poisonous ivy. Quicksand.

It's been one long, difficult road. And it's not getting any easier.

There are times when I thought I have reached the end of the road, and I dreamt of fields of lavender stretching like a vast ocean before me.

But it was not to be so.

My walk with the Lord has been nothing less than fulfilling, enriching, nurturing, but nevertheless, very very painful. I chose the road less travelled, and with that, I allowed myself to be tested at every turn.

I have to learn that sometimes giving up something I love for the Lord, may rip my heart apart, but it is nothing compared to Him giving up His only Son for me. I must believe that whatever I went through and suffered, was so I could keep relying on Him for His love, to sustain me on the road less travelled. And I must trust - that whatever He took away from me, He will give it back to me tenfold.

And all I have to do is Believe....and Wait. And so Lord, I wait.

Goodbye

My emotions are awfully raw today. I could not focus - and I felt like I am in a perpetual daze. I never thought a heart could weigh so heavy. It was practically lying unmoving at the pit of my stomach and there was nothing I could do about it.

Last night I had dinner with James. Supposedly the "goodbye" dinner. He's leaving for Qatar next week, and he may not be coming back. We cleared the air on how we felt about each other, and agreed that it's best we remain friends.

The long distance, the time difference - ain't just gonna work. All we could feel last night, was an extreme sense of loss and pity. It's that feeling where you have finally found something that you really like a lot, have been searching a long time for, and it's right before your eyes - only to realize you have no choice but to let it go.

Not meant to be. Really not meant to be. The right person, the right place, the right feeling, but the wrong time.

Like a sad Korean romance/drama series, James and I are two people who could have been so happy together, but are forced to go our seperate ways. The sense of helplessness and loss is overwhelming.

But then again, he may not be ready for me, even if he's not leaving. He's got issues with his life, his career, his past - and I may merely be someone who happened to fill that gap for now. Everything about us is uncertain. So maybe it's best we leave it unexplored, and say goodbye for now.

Take care James. I will miss you.

"Lord will show the way. All you have to do is --- Believe."

Broken Hearts & Trampled Souls

Another lousy day...
My girlfriend broke up with her guy of three years over the weekend. The same evening where I had a soul-baring chat with James.

In a span of 24 hours, she became single again, and I made a new friend - whom I think nevertheless, may not be hanging around for very long.

It's a depressing situation. Her tears broke my heart. Brought me back to the day I was dumped over the phone. Same thing happened to her. I have never seen her so sad - trying so hard to supress her tears when she related what happened.

My heart ached for her terribly. I do not know what to say, except that I totally understand what she is going through right now. I am not in the best position to offer any comfort, as I am a helpless wreck myself.

But her pain now - I believe - is more acute than mine. At least for this moment. It tears me apart to see couples breaking up, after investing many years of time, effort, love and sacrifices. Why would love die so pre-maturely? Why wouldn't it last? What killed love?

I guess there are many reasons, most of which may end up looking suspiciously more like excuses to end a relationship. Looking at her sobbing with such sorrow, my faith in love and relationships leapt headlong into the depths of the hopeless abyzz.

We went for drinks after our Japanese lesson. Gave her my best listening ear, and tried to make her laugh. Told her I will be with her every night if she wanted company - since I am dateless, steadless, boyfrenless and loveless as well. We would keep each other company, and maybe find a great place to go man-spotting every night. Hopefully by giving her my time to help her heal, I can help myself in the process. I want my friend to be happy, and I know it takes more than my company to achieve that.

But at least for now, this is the best I can do, and I'll continue to pray for God's divine intervention - not only for her, but for me as well. I feel both of us need a significant amount of healing - cos the heart is one uncontrollable, irrational and rebellious organ.

I Am A Total Wreck

Some years ago, I had a boyfriend of three years. We broke up because we had major communication issues - and we felt that the relationship was not going anywhere. The next guy that came along broke down my defences by declaring, "I will never hurt you like he did." My heart completely went out to him and I have never loved anyone like that ever since. By the end of the second year, he broke up with me on the phone, long-distance from Sydney. I had been replaced by another girl. The irony is, this one guy has managed to inflict a pain and hurt of such magnitude, that even I could not imagine that it is possible. How did one man accomplish that? I am still reeling badly from the pain - and that relationship had ended 4 years ago.

What then had triggered me to write about it?

I met this guy recently - let's call him James. He reminded me so much of Leon before he gave me up for someone else. A guy like James - I feel - is a subject truly worth studying. He is extremely patient and nice, well-mannered, intelligent, sentimental, loving and sensitive. Probably more so than your typical SNAG. Don't ask me why he is single - cos that's another story altogether - and I don't think it would be right to repeat on this blog.

So James and I met up twice and went out for drinks. Both dates were wonderful. By the first date, he knew more about me than many of my other friends - and vice versa. By the second date, we were chatting from 10.30pm till 6am in the morning, by the riverside at One Fullerton. The chats were definitely an eye-opening experience for me. What are the chances of a person meeting another - with whom you can truthfully bare your heart and secrets to - on the very first date? It may not mean anything to some of you, but it meant a great deal to me.

By the second date, we were truly comfortable with each other. Felt like we have known each other for years. I guess we could go on and on, if not for the fact that we needed rest like any other humans. I have not opened up to any guy since Leon, and I must credit James for having that ability to make me come out of my broken shell. I am really, really grateful. He touched me with his patience and understanding. He said I make him laugh. It's a wonderful start to a great friendship, I thought. I feel liberated, as if the burden I had carried with me, had been slowly eroded by these open chats with James.

Over the weekend, I was suddenly immobilized by a wave of nausea and panic. I could not understand why, and that made it worse. What I felt was liberating, gave way to an acute sense of vulnerability. I realised I have revealed so much of myself to someone I hardly knew - and my heart was once left wide open. The bleeding had not stopped, but the wound was re-opened once again. As much as I was thoroughly enjoying James' company, I was subconsciously keeping him out by encouraging him to leave the country for better prospects, but consciously letting him in through sharing my life story with him.

I felt as if I had enthusiastically digged up all the awful past in my excitement to share, and it is now lying in a messy, sickening pile in front of me. It hit me suddenly that James has seen it all, but soon he would not be around to help me pick up those pieces at all. I am left all alone with that ugly mess, and I wondered how long it would take me to re-bury all of them again. The problem is, in my own self-destructive way, I had also gave James many reasons not to be there. He has his priorities and own set of problems to worry about, and all I could do was convince myself and him that it would be better for him to be away.

Therein lies my problem. I seem to have a knack for self-sabotaging. James is not the issue. The issue is that I have a deeply-rooted psycho/emotional blockage that made me inflict pain on myself over and over again. I gave myself hope, and I killed it with my own bare hands the very same day. I am so self-destructive that I allow the past, the present and the future to hurt me. I cannot explain what this meant, but I know it is something I could not control.

I shared because I needed to - so badly, then I withdraw immediately because I felt so vulnerable. This is closely followed by feelings of fear, depression, and the need to escape and forget - and the ridiculous desire to get away from any one who came near. Anyone who potentially has the ability to trample on my broken spirit - like what Leon has done. I loathe this part of me, really I do.

The saddest part of this whole realization is that, I am not even angry with the guys that came into my life. I don't hate any of them. In fact, I even want to love some of them. But I could not because I am constantly destroying myself - intentionally.

Irene sent me this verse earlier today, after I almost broke down just thinking about what a total, screwed up wreck I am. She said I might need help because it's been 4 years, and I'm getting worse - instead of getting better.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

Lord, help me please.

It's Raining Men

Women are highly pressured in today's society. Any idea why?

When I was in my teens, I was warned to stay off boys. The rebellious me started dating at 14 anyway. Since then, I couldn't remember a period where I didn't have a boyfriend. Until four years ago that is - when some philanderer broke my heart.

Fast forward to 2005 - age 29. I get to know new people. After revealing how "young' I am, I received a barrage of mindless comments like - "You are not young anymore leh. Aren't you afraid?" or "Don't you want to settle down? You'll be left on the shelf cos you are not getting any younger." or worse still - "Why are you not attached? Too choosy ar? High expectations?"

So much for tact. Such presumptuous nimcompoops.

These people are simply asking for it. What happens next is they will receive a whole lecture from me on why I think women should not get married just because societal dictates that it must be so, or that it must happen within a certain age/time limit.

Most ridiculous don't you think?

I do not want to be pressured into marriage just because I am getting OLD. I do not believe couples should rush into marriage because they have received the keys to their new flat. I object violently to the notion of marrying someone just because all my friends are already hitched. And the thought of marrying just for the sake of fulfiling societal standards (set by parents, friends, relatives, and other nosy parkers otherwise known as "KAYPOs") is simply APPALLING.

Marriage - I believe - should still be fundamentally based on compatibility and a lot of respect and love. And if I cannot find anyone who I can respect greatly, love deeply or even have the slightest tinge of compatibility to moi (and my idiosyncracies), then I am better off alone wouldn't I?

Why would anyone want to get married and be stuck in a loveless relationship, in which you disregard your partner and where both personalities are so conflicting that the only way out is to sleep in seperate beds? Or maybe the fastest way - which most young couples are so keen to take on right now - is to sign your name off and divorce yourself from your so-called "loved one".

How convenient. Machiam grocery shopping. You find a flaw in your product, you reject the goods and ask for refund.

So to all out there who's fond of laying the guilt trip on single women like myself, and demanding to know WHY we aren't throwing ourselves to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry that tumbled from the sky, LAY OFF.

Men that we wanted to marry do not sit pertly on supermarket shelves waiting for us to pick them up. Neither are they available in the window displays of shopping malls - for us to grab and drag down the aisle the very same day.

Marriage is not the solution to all single women's problems. In fact, they may jolly well be the beginning of our sorrows. You'd never know, would you?

Kaya Toast and Eggs

Met Debbie for tea today. We had Ya Kun kaya toast and eggs. It was like the old times.

I've known Deb since we were in Primary 5. That makes us friends for what - 18 and a half years? Just like kaya toast and eggs, we go so well together. She has seen me at my best, and been there at my worst.

When we were single, we met at least once a month for dinner, or to celebrate special days such as birthdays, holidays, Christmas, New Year etc. A year ago, she got married - and her baby came a few months later. Since then, we hardly meet and boy, do I miss her.

Of course, marriage and babies do play a part in the shift of priorities. I have learnt to accept that after a few more friends took the steady-marry-baby route. It's only natural that you will start spending less time with your friends.

Meeting her today brought back memories.
Of the days we spent in school.
Of the nights we spent out partying till the wee hours of the morning.
Of the guys we used to fall for.
Of the silly things we used to do when we were giggly young girls.

It feels great to have friends like that. It feels even better to have them after so many years. And though we may not spend as much time now as we'd love to, we are still pretty connected on an emotional level.

As one grows older, I realise our circle of friends shrink - significantly. Keeping friends, and keeping IN TOUCH with them - takes a lot of time and effort. I may not be the best friend ever to any of my friends, but I do know they mean a lot to me.

And as age catches up with me, I try to catch up with these buddies of mine - because good friends, as they say, are as rare a find as faithful husbands.

No Money No Talk

This has been a really challenging year for me. In fact, the last three years have been extremely trying.

I was working and studying at the same time. When I told my friends that I have not taken leave for three years, they thought I was exaggerating. But it's true. I used up all my leave to cram for the examinations. I had to skip classes for work. Sometimes I even had to bring my notes to read on the plane or in the hotel when I am posted for overseas assignments.

Of course - now that I have completed my studies, I can breathe much better. But this is when the strain is being transferred to yet another critical part of my life. From time poverty - to real poverty.

My family depends so heavily on me to bring home the bacon. I have bills to pay, own expenses to take care of, as well as other "inevitable" expenditure that occurs from time to time - friends' weddings, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. Adding on to that is a huge amount of loans that I have incurred in pursuit of my degree - and which I am now servicing on a monthly basis.

I am so heavily laden with this financial burden that sometimes - my mind just slipped into oblivion. I try to keep this from my family - cos I would not want my mum to worry. But you know, there were times when I really felt that it's just too much to bear - all by myself. It can get pretty depressing when you are living from hand to foot every single month.

But I do try to be optimistic about this dismal situation. Just spend less, wait for bonuses to clear some of the smaller loans, stay home on weekends, and spend most of time sleeping - so that I don't have to eat so many meals a day! Hahaha...

But seriously, I do pray for a release out of this quandary, so that I would not be chained to this financial bondage. And I have faith that my prayers will be answered really soon. :)

A Divine Demonstration

Talked to a pal from IRC just now. He was sharing with me how disillusioned he was with love. I could understand why. Out of four relationships - three of his girlfriends cheated on him. One of them ran off with his BEST friend.

Though I have heard many of such stories in recent years, these tragic love stories never cease to amaze me. They keep happening, and I watch The O.C. being replayed in real life time and again.

He went on to say that he would rather invest his time in his work, than on relationships - which he has somehow lost the ability to trust. I could truly relate to that - having been a victim of such betrayals myself. Commitment phobia kicked in the day LC left me for another girl.

Disbelief swept all over your entire being when you finally realize how much of yourself you have sank into the relationship - your heart, soul, time, days, nights, tears. Only to end up with nothing again. It hurts.

However, I know that being a Christian, though I may lose faith in men, I should never lose faith in the Lord. Irene sent me an article recently, and it truly humbled me. Let me share it here on this very blog - and pray that anyone who feels the same as my friend and I, would be comforted by these words.

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A Divine Demonstration of Love
By: Dr. Charles Stanley

We all have some idea of what we think love is. But when we talk about God's unconditional love, what do we mean? Just what is this love?

We have difficulty understanding divine love when we try to define it by its opposite - false "love," which sets limitations and always withholds something. This so - called love clings to control and gives only in order to manipulate. It is emotionally detached and unwilling to be vulnerable.

Genuine love, on the other hand, means loving people for who they are, not for what they have to give. It means understanding who the other person really is and loving without restriction. If you must be in control and your heart is not 100% in it, you don't understand what true love is all about.

Looking at the love of Jesus Christ at the cross, I see the most perfect demonstration of love to be found anywhere. The Savior showed us how unlimited His love is - He gave us Himself and withheld nothing! (Romans 8:32) He also let go of the control that was rightly His. He did not give His love to manipulate us, but rather He gave us a free will so that we could choose to accept or reject Him.

And He loved us with vulnerability, already knowing His love would be rejected - even ignored or mocked. In loving with His whole heart, He was willing to be turned down and hurt.

If you want to know what love is all about, look at the Cross. Jesus gave His best - His all - to love us so that we could become children of God. (1 John 3:1)

Renew, Recharge, Revive

I felt a great sense of accomplishment today.

I actually did a makeover to this blog page. Gave it a new template. Edited some stuff using HTML code (I am so not into HTML editing cos I know nuts about it) and changed my photo. It's as if I've experienced a sense of Renewal through this process. This blog has been neglected since July - and boy, was I stricken with guilt. I'm never one to do things halfway, and it should not start with something as personal as my blog.

My leave starts today and I am given official approval to laze around and do nothing till next Tuesday. So I have decided to sleep as late as possible, not wake up till dinner time, play online games, watch CSI, The O.C, The Practice and other cheesy American dramas, chat on IRC, play mahjong and just do lots of other mindless stuff. That's what I call Total Recharge.

Which brings me to my last thought for the day. Revive.

I felt dead. A living dead. I smile when my heart aches. I laugh when I am on the verge of tears. I cry when I feel happy. And I held on to a love - even after it has died. It's not funny anymore. I want to believe, but I have no courage. I want to move on, but I feel discouraged. I need something, anything, anyone, to bring about a revival in me. But it's not easy. I still feel dead - even when I am breathing.

Sometimes I feel that I have so many secrets I actually do need a walk-in closet for all my skeletons...